writing down the bones

maitri, karuna, mudita, upeksha - all exist in this moment - as i lie on the dried leaves and grass outside vlsb, by the strawberry creek. my backpack propped against the large tree behind me, my head on the backpack, i type.

is this a meditative moment? probably not. contemplative, yes, meditative no. i look up at the many vast branches of the tree above me... some thin, some thick, all covered with leaves - some yellow, some green, some orange, ready to fall. and they do fall... one by one. some inches away, drifting slowly in the breeze, some meters away... they all fall.

three other students sit nearby. all reading. i see the tree i sat under years ago, before my shakespeare class in fall 2000... this tree has been here several years more than me... it looks old, but in this season especially, perhaps. spring will come and it will look healthful and prosperous again.

there was music playing in the background.. old english music, and it sounded heavenly. it is gone now, replaced by the voices of a myriad students. i hear the rustling of the paper the girl next to me reads... the wind gets cooler, as more leaves fall... the sun gets warmer as it burns into my skin. the sky is a bright blue... no chance of rain, unlike the forecast a little while ago.

and the music starts again... slow and steady, it gets louder. the girl next to me closes her books and puts them in her backpack. i suppose she gets ready to leave... there are other things to do on a friday evening. and me? i shall stay a little while longer and feel the sun seep in some more, before i am ready to say goodbye to this moment.

how many moments do i need such as these to be "there"? in a day there are 24 hours... how many days make a life?

a dog with a leash runs across the lawn... students walk back and forth... they all have someplace to go... the guy next to me - in his orange chacos - lies on the ground enjoying the music... a wasp comes close... but i am not afraid. how can i embrace nature yet not in its entirety? in this moment there can be no fear. the shadows of the leaves move playfully on the bark of the tree... they look like birds flying... now slow, now fast... the wind causes the branches to sway...

i wonder... as i record... are my senses alive this moment? can i feel the moment in its entirety? i feel my feet in my shoes and on the grass, on the leaves. i feel my back rubbing against the grass and the dead leaves... i look up and think -

this is beauty, this is life. i am grateful to witness this sight... to hear the rustling of the leaves, the swaying of the branches, the voices of these people, the laughter in the distance, the creek nearby, the music playing... the wind gets stronger... the leaves get louder... i breathe in each change.

and now i hear footsteps... high heels... did the guy leave? his bike is gone. someone skates past on a skateboard...

i can feel my breathing grow deeper... i can feel the breathing out and breathing in... as two more leaves fall from above and land near me. i wonder what it will take for a leaf to fall on me... with what probability, do you think? the wind is stronger still and the leaves on the ground roll towards the creek... a leaf falls an inch away from my left shoulder... it doesn't touch me.

it's a warm day, and in my turtle-neck i can feel droplets of sweat form... soon i know i shall have to leave... for discomfort will creep in, and time will pass, and i will have to say "enough now, life must go on..." but my heart is here - right here right now. and i wish to stay... till all the leaves have fallen. some will fall on me, won't they?

the campanile in the distance... i do not see its hour hand that is covered by the branches of a tree in the distance. i do see the minute hand and it turns to 11. soon, indeed, it will be time.

another leaf falls... another not on me... flies... a girl in the distance sits with her earphones and highlights in her book. she shuts her highlighter and puts her notes into her backpack. she pulls out her mp3 player and... a couple walks past... pulls out her notes and puts them back in... a leaf falls... she pulls out her earphones and rolls them up... another leaf and with a thud... she puts a box into her pack and zips it up... she gets the dirt off her feet and puts on her shoe... not all the dirt comes off, so she takes it out to dust it again. she gets up, rubs the dirt off her clothes, picks up the papers lying astray - torn sheets - and puts them into her pack... she walks off, checking to see if she left something... i am now alone... there is no one else here... people were... they came before me, came after me, and left.

everyone is gone... should i go too?

oooh. i try to catch a leaf that flies toward me but miss... it will soon be 2... perhaps i should go. but will i leave behind the four immeasurables as i leave?

and then too, will i find them here again? tomorrow? ever?

or another time, another day, another place?

and someday - every time, every day, every place?

there is silence... the music has stopped, and the campanile rings twice. i think it is time.