on stepping out

our little votm club has been through six virtues - love, gratitude (or thanksgiving), unity, generosity, happiness, and sacrifice. and i've been patiently awaiting april's virtue a long long time. yep, you guessed it - it's patience :). although the goal has been to focus a month on each, i find that i invariably focus a month on all. can one be sacrificing without patience? can one find unity without love? indeed it is true that if i go through to the core of each, i find that they all share a common center. but it has taken a while for me to come to that understanding.

practicing each of these virtues has driven home one point in particular - that to practice well, and no matter what, one has no choice but to step out of oneself. it's all about the stepping out, isn't it? i cannot love if i am too full of myself. to be grateful, i must learn to appreciate that which lies beyond me. and how can i recognize my oneness with this world if i don't step out? to give is to focus less on oneself and more on others. happiness is a choice to take oneself a little less seriously, and sacrifice is the giving up of one's self. this april then, i shall learn to be patient, as i practice stepping out.

march

this was the month of sacrifice.

of giving up,
of giving in,
of giving.

of recognizing
that the more there is,
the more there isn't.

of loving
others more,
myself -
a little less.

of striving
to be
a better person -
everyday.

of leaving behind
a little of the lower
for a little of the higher.

of listening
to the inner voice
that knows...

facebook quizzes

are silly, agreed. but so very giving of entertainment :). today i saw one of my friends take the "which mathematical function are you?" quiz. the 1% of a nerd in me was tempted to take it, and it turns out i'm the exponential function. questions ask how one feels when one is integrated or 'derivated' :). also how one feels when one is at zero :). i cannot assure that i was honest each time. i've never felt derivated before, after all.

and here's what it means to be an exponential function (copying/pasting):

Yes, you are a very striving function. You are running to the infinite the fastest way of all elementary functions. You tell how the population will growth, or how much money we get from bank. And your child is the e^x, which cannot be "defeated" by derivation or integral.

pet peeve #3

hmm. this is an example of how we evolve. my pet peeve #3 is that i had pet peeve #2. or that i had pet peeves at all.

there will be no "pet peeve #4" :).

"i hear god laughing"

i was back at pegasus today, where i purchased two more consolidated works of hafiz. have i mentioned just how amazing pegasus is? another time, perhaps. for now we'll focus on hafiz. "would you think it odd?", he asks:

Would you think it odd if Hafiz said,

"I am in love with every church
And mosque
And temple
And any kind of shrine

Because I know it is there
That people say the different names
Of the One God."

Would you tell your friends
I was a bit strange if I admitted

I am indeed in love with every mind
And heart and body.

O I am sincerely
Plumb crazy
About your every thought and yearning
And limb

Because, my dear,
I know
That it is through these

That you search for Him.

these words sound magical to me, especially because i was on this mission not too far back. if there is one discovery that could be called the discovery of my india jaunt in the winter, it is that which is encompassed in this poem. thank you, hafiz. once again.

on anonymizing niceness

Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

yesterday, when i drove from fremont to foster city, i was elated to have the chance to pay the toll. not only for myself, but for the person behind me as well - a 'random act of kindness' i'd been waiting to do for ages. but she did find out, even if she didn't know me. is the point lost, then? that doesn't sound right :), for there would be no other way for her to know that she didn't need to pay toll herself.

the point, rather, is that be they little acts or large, the 'doer' isn't quite the doer, but a mere instrument. with that understanding, one is ever aware of one's humble beginnings. then it matters not who those 'people' are and whether they will find out.

anyway, i think we could all safely consider the first half of the statement - "make it a habit to do nice things," and the world will be instantly bettered. the second half can safely come second, yeah?

kind acceptance

remember what i said about giving being a privilege? and if it is for me, it is for the other as well, correct? so in refusing to take/to be given, we're depriving another of a privilege, are we not? hence it matters - to accept when another gives with a loving heart.

so that no one is underprivileged anymore.

same difference

my aunt made a keen observation on seeing the holi pictures on smugmug: "if you cover up enough, everyone's the same, and if you go deep enough, everyone's the same... the differences lie in the middle."

and most of us spend our lifetimes focusing on those differences alone. isn't it sad?

don't give up

the words of wisdom continue to inspire, and as i continue to reflect on them, i thought i'd share my reflections with you. the lines i'd italicized are the ones that resonated, because these efforts were already in motion before today. the first of these lines was -

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

a while ago, i had shared with you my exasperation over judging people. when i have a problem with my insides, i try hard - at first - to resolve it inside. i summon all of those pieces of inspiration from memory and get to work. sometimes though, i don't succeed right away, and as i continue to struggle, somehow serendipitously i read a line that makes me go "aha!". this line above summarizes my "aha!" moment (this came a few months ago).

the truth is that people can and do change. not only do they change, but from being seemingly rude, abrupt, and insensitive, they blossom into the most loving, most giving, most sensitive of beings. because insights are like ripened fruits - they're constantly falling into our lap, should we choose to notice. and if our eyes and ears are ready, then as soon as the right insight falls our way, the deed is done.

when i keep my eyes open, in fact, i see these miracles happen around me all the time. and these are the miracles that matter. and they are there for all of us to see, but first we must open our eyes.

on hugs

the words of wisdom i posted earlier today included the following:

When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

and peevee commented hilariously thus:

on a lighter note though, about the "hugging" and "not letting go first" point, have you thought about what will happen if both you and the other hugger decide to follow this?? :D

i hadn't earlier, and could only barely stifle a laugh in class when i saw your comment :). however, when i did think about it, i thought it was the most beautiful thing ever :). would not the world be a beautiful place if everyone was hugging everyone and not letting go?

ok, so maybe we'd have things to do for survival - like eat, sleep, etc. but can we not realize this sight in spirit, at the least? if only. and then i would sing with gay abandon:

i see skies of blue,
clouds of white,
the bright blessed day,
the warm sacred night,
and i think to myself
what a wonderful world!

hugs, world :).

on smile-giving

the realization that giving is a privilege hit me like a ton of bricks, and i've been reeling since (for a few months now). i succumb to whichever form of giving my limited wisdom can conjure, within the limitations that govern my life. (there's a disclaimer if i ever saw one, but i hope you get the point: i do try.)

given the above context, it pleased me no end when the insight dawned today that the easiest thing to give is a smile. (and it isn't the least desirable either, obviously.) all you need to do is smile yourself. gosh, could it be that simple?

:)

a resolve

the other day, a and i talked about setting ideals for ourselves, and how the setting of the ideal is half the work already. once the ideal is set, the heart knows where its 'head'ed. subliminal processes take care of the rest.

this comes to mind as i find one more ideal i'd like to set for myself, in the words of wisdom i just posted - to become the most positive and enthusiastic person that i know. and part of realizing that ideal is also realizing (fascinatingly) that there is no can't. i can't imagine what would/could be a more delightfully self-fulfilling cycle. the choice is up to us, to be sure.

words of wisdom

spring break is over and much work needs to be done. to start the steep climb of this week with a bout of inspiration, i offer a selection of these words of wisdom that s shared with me the other day. some of them may seem rather obvious, and others may strike as things one should be mindful of more often, but i'll leave that to you to ponder over.

Have a firm handshake.

Look people in the eye.

Sing in the shower.

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

Whistle.

Avoid sarcastic remarks.

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come per cent of all your happiness or misery.

Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

Be a good loser.

Be a good winner.

Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

Live your life so that your epitaph could read No Regrets.

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need to stay only a few minutes.

Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

Once in a while, take the scenic route.

Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

Marry only for love.

Count your blessings.

Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

(pause)

experiences are a lot fuller nowadays, blessed as they are with increasing mindfulness. the spring break that just went by is the richest i've had (in all the years of being a student). in 10 days, it took me through a whirlwind tour of so many slices of life, i cannot but wonder. these things take time to unpack, but i'm in no hurry. when it is time to immerse, i dutifully oblige. time to reflect finds its way into my life when i least expect it. it is in the nature of time to be thus.

and now, as i return to my berkeley abode and look forth to the new week eagerly waiting on the start line, it is not yet time to immerse. nor is it time to reflect just yet. the cake is in the oven, and yes it will rise, but first, the batter must be given time to bake. and so i pause.

holi '09

ticket to asha-stanford holi (student version): $13
protective 'rain'-gear for camera: $8
the photo-taking experience: priceless :)
(yes, forgive the cheese. please!)

i admit. holi is a weakness. i can't let a year go by without a holi to mark it with. so glad that holi does come back every year, phew! or so i feel today :). yesterday, i was about ready to skip this year's holi, skip the photo-taking experience, skip the colors, skip everything to stay home. brrr, the thought!

i'm oh, so glad that a agreed to go with. had she not, perhaps i wouldn't have ended up there. perhaps not that early, perhaps not so enthusiastically, perhaps... once i did get there, i realized how much i loved being there. and what holi really meant to me. the rest is now history :).

holi isn't just another festival (to me, that is). i remember when growing up, i'd always call it my favorite festival, when everyone else seemed to like diwali better (i don't know why we were ranking festivals in the first place though :). i've always loved the onset of spring, growing up in delhi. and holi was the marker for it, always. not only, it was also that one day in the year that everyone got together, and i mean everyone. everyone in the neighborhood, and even in the not so neighborly neighborhoods, would add a touch of color to their lives. and each other's. dry color or wet, warm days or cold, holi seemed always to unite against all odds.

and today, as i pretended to be invisible, to walk through people camera in hand, i couldn't help but marvel at the love that shone through. faces i ran into on other occasions smiled an extra mile at holi. we met, we talked, we laughed, then went our ways. there was naught but love to be felt, through and through. everyone was a friend, not mere stranger or acquaintance.

it was a beautiful sunny day, and it was really the ultimate luxury for me to be doing as i was doing, and in so many ways. taking pictures was bliss, of course, but also - being able to take pictures of anyone and everyone. for today, no one cared. i wish every day could be like this - i would smile at an arbitrarily picked person, point my camera at them, they would smile back, or pose even, i would click, and we would walk on. no really, every day could be like this. it is all i'd ever need.

i had given h my word that i would go today, that i would take pictures for asha. somehow, this added much to the experience, for to do the job well i could no longer favor my friends. the effort to be non-discriminating made the photo-taking that much more fulfilling, for it allowed me to forget who i was and who my friends were. forgetting who i knew/who knew me also helped. and then, the camera, myself, and the world were one. i kid you not.

i left early. not because i had to, and not because i'd filled up my memory card. strangely, there was no craving to do more and more of what brought so much joy. nor was there any aversion, at all, to soaking up the beautiful spring sunshine and indulging in my favorite exercise at my favorite venue. duh. but there was a deep satisfaction, and a feeling of having done my duty. and that was enough. the smugmug album has nearly 250 photos to show for 2.5 hours. enough, indeed. you agree?

on fasting

this month has been the month of sacrifice, and one thing that helped me considerably was the discipline of fasting. the routine of fasting twice a week has not only allowed me to rein in my senses, it's helped me slowly gather an understanding of temptation in general, and strengthened my resolve towards achieving what i know to be right. (waking up at a predetermined time continues to be a problem though :(.) the effort, needless to add, will be lifelong. in the meantime, these words by rumi resonate:

There's hidden sweetness in the stomach's emptiness.
We are lutes, no more, no less. If the soundbox
is stuffed full of anything, no music.
If the brain and belly are burning clean
with fasting, every moment a new song comes out of the fire.
The fog clears, and new energy makes you
run up the steps in front of you.
Be emptier and cry like reed instruments cry.
Emptier, write secrets with the reed pen.
When you're full of food and drink, Satan sits
where your spirit should, an ugly metal statue
in place of the Kaaba. When you fast,
good habits gather like friends who want to help.
Fasting is Solomon's ring. Don't give it
to some illusion and lose your power,
but even if you have, if you've lost all will and control,
they come back when you fast, like soldiers appearing
out of the ground, pennants flying above them.
A table descends to your tents,
Jesus' table.
Expect to see it, when you fast, this table
spread with other food, better than the broth of cabbages.

mmm... spring

late last night, b picked us up from the airport and i stayed over at their place. when my eyes opened this morning and i looked outside the window of the guest room, the sight of the sunlit leaves took my breath away. i smiled and went back to sleep, in subconscious bliss for the beautiful day that lay before me. (jumping out of bed to embrace the day may have been a more suitable reaction, now that i think of it.)

awoke later to a walk down california ave, morning coffee at the starbucks, along with half a croissant. s, b, a and i met for lunch at jing jing that filled me with warm nostalgia. the joy that comes from the company of old friends is immense, is it not? after a sumptuous meal, i headed out to run some errands. it has long been time to pick up my diploma from stanford, and i decided i'd finally take care of this. went to the old registrar's office, noted the move to tressider, walked to tressider instead, and photographed along the way. stanford, you are so beautiful (and so much more so in spring, sigh)!

at the student services center, the lady who gave me my diploma was effusively friendly. she congratulated me on my degree and expressed confidence that i would make a wonderful teacher, thanks to my smile. i regretfully admitted that i was pursuing a phd now, not teaching, but was touched all the same at her show of kindness. i did almost wish i was teaching so i could turn her words to truth.

after picking up the diploma, i walked downstairs to jamba juice and got myself a strawberry nirvana after many eons. as i walked through the once-frequented parts of campus (the school of ed. etc.) i was overwhelmed by the calm that they exuded. i strolled along, letting the sights sink in. the faces were new, but the places were old and welcoming. they knew i was no stranger to them.

somewhere along the way, i entered the bookstore. i wasn't interested in making a purchase though. there was just a desire to make my way through the aisles, letting the books know i was there (and perhaps letting myself know that the books were there). i couldn't leave before touching the poetry section, marveling at the number of poets, and reading some more hafiz :). what a world we live in, really... try as we might we couldn't run out of poetry to read!

before heading back to the car, there was one more loose end to take care of. last year, i'd taken a class in the photo department and used a locker for my equipment. of course, i never took the time to remove my stuff from there, and assumed that the lock would have been broken open by now. when i looked at locker 16, i saw a black cross taped onto it, and my blue master lock still there. thankfully, i had the key, and used it to empty everything out. phew. i was done. i'm sorry if i kept anyone from using a locker though, all this time (groan). i'm sure i did.

i ambled my way back to the car, drank in the sunshine one final time, took a couple of final shots, and resolved to make my way back to campus often enough, to keep in touch with this place that has given me so much that i cannot put in words, and perhaps do not even realize. and as i walked past a tree and wondered at its beauty, i stretched out my left hand and let it touch the bark, ever so gently. just to assure myself that it was there, that i was there. can you picture it? i cannot express the limitless joy that moment brought me. i feel as though i fully realized then what it meant to be 'in touch' with nature, and wondered why it had never crossed my mind before - why i'd always limited myself to the visual medium, why i'd kept my distance.

when i came back to a's, i helped her offer me a cup of tea :). soon enough, a called and suggested a hike up the dish. the thought enticed, and we headed there, only to find it was closed. of course, when one wishes to walk, the path makes itself clear :) and we walked a long distance on this beautiful spring evening. as always, the walk brought several insights my way (all to be shared in due time/evolution). dinner was lovely and entertaining at med wraps. and that was my day, the twenty-seventh day of march, two thousand and nine.

and as i lay me down to sleep, i thank this day for all the light it brought to my life :). i pray only that i may find it in me to best make use of it, to best learn from it.

night night!

angst-ridden?

i don't know if i'd ever used this term pre-seattle. on our drive to snoqualmie it occurred to me that perhaps angst-ridden is that one term that describes us as we are when we're distant from our inner selves. be it stress, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. that we're feeling, what we are is angst-ridden. in our desperate attempts to turn left or right, to extricate ourselves from our situations somehow, we succeed in the generation of angst alone. it is then no longer about our situation and how we deal with it - it's about our angst and how we deal with that. and when the angst within is dissolved, the world is full of beauty. on my morning walk through the sunshine, i was struck by the truth of these lines below, and they resonated within:

There is beauty in the forest
When the trees are green and fair.
There is beauty in the meadow
When wild flowers scent the air.
There is beauty in the sunlight
And the soft blue beams above.
Oh, the world is full of beauty
When the heart is full of love.
- Anon

and back

back in the bay, where it is warm and the weather seems more in control, and it doesn't threaten to rain on you any (or every) second :). the beauty of seattle is to die for, to be honest - but wait till the sun comes out tomorrow...

and welcome back to the blog!

seattling

yes, i'd planned to keep my distance from the internet while i vacationed. then realized i needed to do justice to the 'travelog' identity of my blog. so here i am again.

seattle is as lovely as it has always been. and when i say seattle, i don't mean seattle, because i haven't ventured out to seattle at all :). i mean redmond, the town center, snoqualmie falls, the snow-capped mountains in the distance... the many shades of blue and green one sees here are stunning. it is in places such as these that one realizes the immense nature of nature's bounty.

in these few days, i found myself able to reconnect with my days at microsoft. this was more important than i realized, because i'd abandoned that past somewhere along the way. it has been pulled out of locked doors and embraced duly. for the perspective it brought me (that i may not have found elsewhere), i am grateful. i also reconnected with my time at seattle many years ago - the very first time i set foot into a city entirely alone and unfamiliar with any of its residents. it was quite the summer.

i ran into faces i only barely recognized. and imagine my surprise to run into my mentor from many years ago in the parking lot of the gym! 'tis true, no goodbyes are ever permanent. our lives are just hopelessly intertwined.

one of the things i've enjoyed most in this jaunt is the chance to witness a's 'other' life :) ('other' being defined by the angle you look at it from. i am sure for the folks here, i'm part of her 'other' life too.) i've been at her workplace, seen her office, cafeteria, kitchen (where she doubtless spends most of her time). i've met her very cool friends (so now i know better who to emulate). i've seen her shine in the squash courts, i've spent time in her beautiful apartment that i wish she could take back with her. these days have given me a window into her life and helped me update myself on who she is in the larger world. as i reflect more on this, i realize how important it is to dynamically update how we see the people around us, especially those we love best, and that we accept their evolution just as well as we appreciate ours.

there is more to say. much more, i am sure. but for now, this is plenty. i will retreat to my reflection, unhindered by decisions regarding what or what not to write :). i sit before a gigantic windowed view of the mountains and the trees, with just a dash of sunlight. i do not mind the rain either, though. there is a certain charm to the city's insistence on rain, no matter what its people may incessantly ask for instead. i wonder if it laughs at our fruitless desires for it to be different.

taking leave

a lifetime ago, here is a short verse i had written:

I take your leave, as I leave to travel
There is a person I must find.
And with her, some contentment,
non-elusive peace of mind.

i was tempted to quote this verse today for its fitting first line. when i read it though, i realized that the rest made little sense. while i do take your leave as i leave to travel, there is no longer anyone to be found. and contentment and non-elusive peace of mind are no longer sought - they are choices that have been made.

spring break permits me to extricate myself from an otherwise inextricable web of mundanities. i grab the opportunity, and with both hands. thus i enforce internet-downtime on myself for the next few days. if you absolutely and urgently need to get in touch with me in this time, please call me. better yet, call a :). i'll be busy establishing oneness with the scenic wonders of the pacific north-west.

i'll miss you, world. do please take good care of yourselves until i'm back. much love.

the root cause

the whole thing started with the indecisiveness at home depot yesterday. my cousin needed a lock for her gym locker, couldn't quite decide which one she wanted, and started to get a headache thus. when we stepped out, she also told me she'd tried to decide between two sweaters the other day, and got a headache from not being able to figure out which color she wanted. this was disturbing to me, at some fundamental level. i couldn't quite break it down. i needed to understand the root cause.

today, we tried the 'pick a finger' trick. each time she was faced with choice a and choice b, i'd ask her to pick a finger. in a second the decision was made (though sometimes she thought about which finger to pick as well :), and life was blessed with swift, easy decisions for the day, thus taken. though i was holding up the fingers for her sake, i realized the wonder of it as well: we have finite energy, and we need to pick our battles with care. there's no reason to expend a half-hour's worth on whether one should wear blue or yellow! and sometimes (if not most often), these matters are trivially forgotten, never to be brought back, once a decision is made. does it make sense to deliberate unduly, then?

this afternoon, in the car from san francisco to fremont, i brought this up with my aunt. (she happens to be a clinical psychiatrist, and overflows with wisdom in general.) i knew i could ask her 'what's the root cause?' (an oft-repeated question on my lips these days) and wait for an answer that would satisfy. and so it did. (in brief) she said that indecisiveness (at least the kind we discussed) stemmed from a basic desire to be in control, to make a decision that did not need to be regretted.

[at this point, i was reminded of a's account of stumbling upon happiness. a had mentioned that the author claimed the following: humans had a basic, fundamental desire to be in control. when i asked her what the root cause of that was, a (or the author, rather) didn't have an answer. i mentioned this to my aunt, asking for greater clarity on the same.]

so why did humans have this desire so fundamental for control? digging deeper, it came down to a desire for eliminating uncertainty, an attachment toward greater certainty, and ultimately - a desire to escape the uncertainty of death. hmm. i asked her how one could work on this deep-seated fear, and she mentioned that the skill to surrender was most critical. it was also cultivable. one needed to have faith in the uncertainty somehow, and to this end, prayer was often the surest resort. things were starting to make sense... (and to tie in with the book i read today - the tibetan book of living and dying.)

the conversation went on to individuality and why it was such a basic ingredient of western culture. did american history have something to do with it? what about western schools of religious thought? don't know yet. all in all, i felt that several of my trains of thought came together in this conversation, and my understanding of human nature evolved some. i'm grateful to have such a handy resource so close at hand. too bad i didn't have the guts to become a psychiatrist (though i once did have all the heart to). i'm happy enough to be around such a giver of perspective, as things stand.

zen and the art of washing dishes

today, i was at t's place up in belmont. it was a lovely spring afternoon, and a lovely day to spend with the family. t (& co.) had invested hours of effort to put together the world's best lunch spread, and we just never stopped eating! i offered her a hand with the cleaning up, half fearful that she would bulldoze me out of the kitchen. thankfully, we struck a deal. i would do the dishes, and she would let me :). the point - a point i've been trying to drive home of late - is that i love doing dishes. a chore for some, it is one of the surest forms of meditation for me. t and i discussed this (back and forth) at length today, and she suggested this title for my next blog entry :).

is it strange that this exercise is so meditative for me? allow me to offer an explanation (and i hope it's the right one): i love that my decisions are made for me, as i wash the dishes one after another, under the soothing warm water. i find that mindfulness is ready and waiting, with the mind at supreme ease. each dish is special, and seems to call for gentle attention. gently, i pay attention to its curves and crevices. gently, i try to remove every food particle, every stain that my concentrated vision may discern. gently, i direct the water flow along the curves to nudge off the soapiness. and gently, i place the dish on the drying rack. one down, one less to go, one discrete step closer to my goal. no two ways about that.

when the last dish is done, there is a feeling of lasting contentment to find the sink empty and shining. i have done my dharma - gently and mindfully. the dishes must now do theirs - of drying off the water on them, in their own sweet time. yes, we are at peace with each other.

so if washing dishes is a chore for you, don't impose that perception on me please :). what could be more lovely than to be able to bring myself joy while i do a chore for you? now will you know never to ask me to leave your dirty dishes alone? good, thanks :).

this morning...

i think about how much i love learning from people, from their experiences, their insights, the things they like and those they don't. this stems from a fundamental belief that we are all the same. that we really very fundamentally like the same things, dislike the same things, think the same of love and hate, etc. as we share our stories with each other, we're exposed to that much more beauty in life. we learn to understand and empathize a little better. we step closer to realizing our unshakable interdependence, our oneness of being.

thank you, peevee, for igniting this train of thought with your wonderfully evocative post!

hol(e)y socks!

i have a favorite pair of socks that i've been thinking about (a lot) lately. they weren't a gift from anyone, and in fact, i can barely remember where i got them and when exactly. so it isn't the genesis that gets me. i suppose it's just that they've been with me a long, long time (perhaps 7-8 years) and continue to look just as beautiful as they did when they first came into my life. except that they have holes now :(. and the holes are pretty big. like this big:

several thought processes have found root in these holes. at first, there was resistance. i couldn't care less whether they were holey or not. they'd been through life with me - loyally and lovingly. how could i not wear them just 'cos they were holey? and what's the big deal about holes anyway, i thought. does it really matter, in the larger scheme of things, whether socks have holes or not? and then - what if my clothes had holes? why do i need clothes without holes? why do i need clothes that look good? for whom? for people who care? do i care about those who care? oh dear... we know where that strain goes.

i have been there. and there. and there. and now i am here: they're socks. i loved them. i wore them with joy, indeed every single time. but they've lived their life. and what better life to have led than a life of love, of appreciation? time it is (yes, was) to part. gracefully, and with dignity. indeed, 'tis better late than never...

to let go.

dev d.

i should have known.

i couldn't have, though.

i just got back from watching dev d. in the theater. indeed, it was an experience. to be honest, i can't quite make up my mind about it. i can't seem to call it good or bad, overall. the content isn't what i'd like to see, typically (although none of the last few films i've seen in the theater were what i'd 'typically' like to see), but the music was excellent, the cinematography quite extra-ordinary, and the direction very good. i liked the character development, i liked the twists; it was certainly masterfully done.

that sounds like it was a good movie, doesn't it? ok, it was good then. and darn, if it was that good, would i go back in time and not watch it now? mm, not really.

alright, no whining then. i'll shut up.

poetry is not

in the precious few words of the poet;
it is in the essays written within by the one who reads.

no?

phd high #1

i forgot to mention - this week saw the first phd high since i've started school. while meeting with my advisor is never an unpleasant experience, this wednesday was special. my research area changed for the fourth time, but that is fine and expected (well, in the first year :). the more it changes, the happier i am, because not only is it a sign of evolution, it is also hopefully one less change to deal with over the phd.

the funny thing is - i have no idea whence the epiphany came. it is a complete blur in my memory. i found myself writing an email to him tuesday morning, saying i was having a really hard time narrowing down my focus. it was a blatantly honest email, i just prayed he would understand. he wrote back saying we'd talk about it at our wednesday meeting. it was a nice mail, and i wrote back, telling him that in the meantime, i'd try to get my act together (i did not have the faintest idea how i'd do it though). tuesday evening, i suddenly had sketches to showcase the idea i know not when i had, and received positive feedback on them from my classmates. wednesday then, when i met him, i jumped into it straight away, and he was ecstatic. no, i do not exaggerate. he sounded the happiest i had heard him sound in the year i have known him. and he said how happy he was about a dozen times in the hour-and-a-half that we met. where the idea came from though, when it came, or how - i haven't a clue. it is just the strangest thing.

but. now. i have a plan. my phd seems to be headed in some direction. if i fail, i will learn. and if i don't, my advisor will be happy. a win-win situation :).

Becoming Human

Once a man came to me and spoke for hours about
"His great visions of God" he felt he was having.

He asked me for confirmation, saying,
"Are these wondrous dreams true?"

I replied, "How many goats do you have?"

He looked surprised and said,
"I am speaking of sublime visions
And you ask
About goats!"

And I spoke again saying,
"Yes, brother - how many do you have?"

"Well, Hafiz, I have sixty-two."

"And how many wives?"
Again he looked surprised, then said,
"Four."

"How many rose bushes in your garden,
How many children,
Are your parents still alive,
Do you feed the birds in winter?"

And to all he answered.

Then I said,
"You asked me if I thought your visions were true,
I would say that they were if they make you become
More human,

More kind to every creature and plant
That you know."

i am done reading hafiz, and the gita translation as well. 2 down and 6 to go (my reading list for the break). except, not really. both of these are works i wish to return to daily. they are fodder for the soul. this morning, as i decided to share one of hafiz's masterpieces with you, i thought, "i'm sure i could pick a page at random and it would give me a poem that i'd be inspired to share." exactly that happened. here you are, then. this is all you need to know.

isn't it?

a great need

the experiences of this day have been rich and varied. as i ready myself to turn in for the night, i am immensely grateful for the love of the world that surrounds me. wherever i look, i find angels smiling back at me. really, god, what are you up to?

here's a message from him, a great need he asks us to fulfill. i don't think we have a choice.

Out
Of a great need
We are holding hands
And climbing.
Not loving is a letting go.
Listen,
The terrain around here
Is
Far too
Dangerous
For
That.

Covers Her Face with Both Hands

What
We speak
Becomes the house we live in.

Who will want to sleep in your bed
If the roof leaks
Right above
It?

Look what happens when the tongue
Cannot say to kindness,

“I will be your slave.”

The moon
Covers her face with both hands

And can't bear
To look.

sharing this with you as the moon shines outside, in all its glory. let's never bring this light to wane.

restoration

the sather gate restoration project has been ongoing for about 6-7 months now. this gate is symbolic of berkeley. here's a postcard picture of it for you:

as i walked past it this morning, there are some parallels i drew. i noted that they were plugging back in some of the pieces (now restored). the entire gate is expected to be in pristine condition by april '09. and to last another 100 years, no problem.

restoration is at once symbolic of the old and the new. it depends on your perspective. it does indeed indicate the old-ness of a thing, and yet it reinforces the potential for and subsequent realization of change, for rebirth and renewal, for endless growth. see it as you will :).

life:school

being the professional student, i wonder how this analogy escaped me thus far: life is like school. this blog is my notebook :). education is free. and the lessons never stop.

kabira khada bazaar mein

the third kabir film (alas, only one more remains) was screened today. it brought out subtle distinctions to be kept in mind when one tries to live according to what one believes is the truth. my (brief) jottings from the viewing are as follows:

• a play on kabir is being directed and one of the scenes sees kabir protecting a young boy from being attacked by a group of hindu priests. the director mentions that he likes kabir because kabir stood up for his actions instead of intellectualizing like most sages are wont to. he appreciates that kabir's teachings are not about the abstract, but about daily living.
  
• the first step on the spiritual path involves chants, idol worship, rituals, etc. but man must go beyond that step too.
• tipanya's wife says "atma puja, phir kaam duja", that is, first one must worship the soul, then do any other task. she also adds that worshipping the soul entails serving others.
• "the one who sings, plays, laughs, listens - he goes to satlok (the fourth world)."
• one of the characters used to be a materialistic accountant, and beat up people if they did not return his money, etc. another used to be a naxalite rebel. kabir found them (and reformed them) too.
• kele ke paat paat mein paat, gadhe ki laat laat mein laat, kavi ki baat baat mein baat, hindu ki jaat jaat mein jaat (roughly: a banana has leaves within leaves, a donkey has kicks within kicks, a poet's words are nested within each other, and a hindu has castes within castes).
• "everyone has set up their shops and sells their wisdom, but the greatest wisdom of all is that which is mine own."
• "i realized this is all humbug."
  
• "till you are one, you cannot say anything."
• "a lotus only blooms in the swamps. be one of them (the common men), then rise above."
• "i have seen satlok. satlok is here, in front of me. this is what i have seen - gentleness of speech, of love. this is satlok."
• he finds kabir's words stronger than bullets... the bullet of wisdom strikes.
• a final word: "to my son sahir, for putting up with kabir" :).
  

not all is rosy

most of my posts, of late, have been high-spirited. yet there are things that bring me down. i understand gladly that to be able to offer help is a great privilege. that to give is not to be proud of giving, but to act out of love and the joy of service. these lessons have hit home, and practice shall do the rest. i am, however, guilty of attaching myself to the fruit of my labor. i feel pain and sorrow when those that i try to help are not in a position to receive. i want only to lift them out of their situations, but i'm not powerful enough. how do i deal with this?

the correct answer, as i see it, is to exercise detachment. i must do according to my dharma and allow others the right to do according to theirs. i must not be proud or egoistic with a belief that i know what is good, what is right for them, or even that i perceive correctly. and i must understand and be compassionate towards their varied circumstances, for i do not and cannot know what brings them to act this way.

oh, but this is hard. i feel weighed down with their worries, and further weighed down by my incapacity to alleviate their suffering and enhance their strength. ah, but how can i enhance their strength when i will be so weak? i beseech you, lord, to grant me greater wisdom, greater forgiveness. pray, help me find a lighter path. indeed, for us all.

the day that was

it was a busy day, and there were many thoughts that passed through me hoping to be logged. not all may end up here tonight, but here's the short of it. an autobiographic account:

i had a reading response due today - a one-page paper, a response to the class readings. my writing of it reminded me of 11th grade unfortunately, when i would write aimlessly to fill the space (perhaps also thinking that i was doing a decent job). the last time i did this for a paper, i did really well on it. it's good to know that this need not happen each time.

hafiz, in a handful of poems, added many rainbows to my morning... but you know that already.

i also got back an assignment, graded a b. instead of being disappointed (and this is what is so bizarre these days) i smiled with divine confidence (for lack of a better name) that i would now put in far more effort to regain my lost stance. the guest lecture we had today was also quite something. the speaker was a first-year phd (like me) but so confident, engaging, dignified in her lecture, i was filled with admiration. her last slide ended with a lessons learned - don't be too touchy. take your work seriously, not yourself. what a wise thing to say. wisdom doesn't only come from books, i realize. i made sure i complimented e on how brilliantly she'd conducted herself. it is never a bad idea, i think, to tell people what you love about them.

at 2, i headed down to yali's on oxford. i had suggested meeting at milano or m.o. since they were familiar ground, but j stuck with yali's. so glad he did, because my walk there and back, and my stay there, were all fantastic. i couldn't help thinking - i never learn, do i?! i wish embracing the new came much more naturally to me... i am trying. after all, it always rewards.

as i walked in the bright and beautiful sunshine, i smiled at everyone i passed. i'm not accustomed to be smiled back at, for the most part, and i just go about my business. today however, a young lady (chicly dressed so perhaps not a student) returned my smile with full gusto. i looked away and immediately looked back, as i registered the smile. by this time she was passing by me and said, "that's a great haircut!" i was reeling from the encounter for several minutes after. no, not because i was complimented :), but for the open energy that she shared in that split second. i often think these things, and would like to say them, but something always gets the better of me. i will try harder next time, though.

the meeting with j was perhaps one of the most critical meetings i've had since i joined berkeley. serendipity again, believe it or not :). he asked me several pertinent questions, shared with me some of the lessons he had learned in the course of his phd, and gave me some useful pointers. i was left with a feeling of awe for him and a feeling of stupidity within :). i had fumbled with all of the questions that he'd asked. as i felt compelled to confess that i hadn't thought about many of these things before, i realized what an immense delight it was to be pointed to the gaping holes in my knowledge. all of a sudden, i had so many avenues of growth spring up on me. and this in a meeting with someone who isn't in my field of research, isn't at berkeley anymore, i hadn't met before, and may never see again!

i walked back to school with the most joyous feeling in my heart, thus. are all spring days just as sparkling? is it berkeley? or is life always thus, i just don't see it with the right eyes? as i walked up the stairs to the second floor, i ran into a face i did not know but spontaneously uttered a 'hi'. for the next 5 minutes, my heart sang 'i did it' :).

in class, a hornet appeared out of nowhere and found its way into the folds of my scarf (luckily, the scarf was not on me but on the desk) and my sunglasses (also on the desk). as i saw its 2-inch body, telling myself there was nothing to be afraid of, i witnessed a series of chills within. my breathing sped, i found myself wish for it to leave my vicinity, and then a voice told me to be calm, to accept. it was a struggle, and i was only able to maintain an outer calm with success. yes, avenues for growth are in plenty. in another 8-10 minutes, i heard a huge slam. a classmate had brought his shoe down on the hornet. it was dead. i felt numbed.

class was over early, and since the next kabir film was in 40 minutes, i found my way to the lawns outside vlsb, found a sunny spot, lay down, and read my hafiz the entire time. yes, those minutes were minutes of bliss. i wished i could buy several copies of the gift and gift it to all my loved ones. i would soon run myself bankrupt though, and that is sad :(. i'll do what i can here, however :).

the kabir film was something else. it will have a post of its own. for today i took notes.

unbelievably, it was still light out when i came out of the film. i asked a stranger what she thought of the film, and made pleasant conversation for a fulfilling few minutes. then, after a beautiful walk home, i broke my fast with satisfaction. i may not become a spiritual powerhouse in a day, but i certainly feel the progression with every successive day of fasting.

spring break is here, folks. i can't wait to finish the 8 books on my 'now reading' list.

and that will be all for now. over and out.

sigh

i have a paper due hafiz, and you're not helping. at all. by filling my head with all these beautiful imageries that you generate with your poetry, one masterpiece after another. nor do you help by removing thoughts of the material world and filling my heart with love for the more fundamental, ethereal nature of it.

but don't go away, please. not ever. just rest awhile, and grant me a recess. let me come back to you with endless time, timeless vigor, and this heartful of love.

Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,

Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.

God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.

The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:

Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.

But when we hear
He is in such a “playful drunken mood”
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.

A Cushion for Your Head

Just sit there right now
Don't do a thing
Just rest.

For your separation from God,
From love,

Is the hardest work
In this
World.

Let me bring you trays of food
And something
That you like to
Drink.

You can use my soft words
As a cushion
For your
Head.

the beauty of hafiz's words is unparalleled, don't you think? as i read these words, i wondered - what is then 'laziness' and what is 'work'. are we sure we have them down right? if our dharma, our inherent nature leads us one way and our material existence pushes us another, which is the more natural progression? is treading the spiritual path really hard work then? is being greedy, dishonest, 'lazy' really laziness? what a beautiful thought - to think of spiritual progress as the way on which we are most naturally led. straying from this path definitely seems like a lot of unnecessary work then. thank you, hafiz!

why do i blog?

i expect i've answered this question on occasions past, but times change and we do too. i attempt to answer it again, so i may offer a more up-to-date response (indeed, for you and myself). here's what i had to say when my dear friend d, a veritable believer of the socratic method as i know him (have you also noticed the prevalence of 'veritable' in my writing of late?), asked me why i blogged:

1. the written medium works best for me. it allows me to cogitate better. in that time and space that words find their way out of my head, through my fingertips, and onto the keyboard, crystallization happens.
2. my blog transitioned from a monolog into a dialog somewhere along the way. the most meaningful moments for me and my blog have been in the comments section, and i'm so very grateful for these exchanges. they speed up my growth by a factor of 7.
3. every thought that inspires me finds its way here. that's not quite true, or humanly possible for sure, but most do. for me then, this blog serves as a handy reference to be accessed, whereby i can read and cogitate over these thoughts iteratively. indeed, i have read some posts about 72 times over to have them settle down in the deepest parts of me.
4. across time, this blog serves as a tool to track personal growth as well. if i read over some of my posts from years ago, i find a different person altogether. even in posts from the past 6 months, the evolution has been immense (as i see it).

these were the reasons i'd offered d extemporaneously. later that day, after i'd had more time to think, i realized there were more. these i offered a and they were far more critical.

1. i wish to hone my writing so that it is no longer a conscious exercise. my goal is to reach a stage where the words will pass through - from the inner self to my fingertips without needing a filter at all. i want writing to be so spontaneous that i will no longer have need to ask, ever, "is it true/kind/necessary?" so that it is always true and kind (and mostly necessary).
2. related to the point above, though subtly different (and perhaps further penetrating) - i wish to lead a life that has no qualms with being opened to the world. this is really a need to be honest, so honest that there is never a fear of too much (or overly open) expression. to be clear, this need not require my life to be an open book, but should it be an open book, may it not highlight anything i am embarrassed to highlight. no anger, no greed, no jealousy, only love.
   
3. and here i save the best for last: i have lived through the extreme joys of finding that a reading sets off a spark of a thought process within that unveils a precious understanding. these sparks are those that veritably lead to growth. these sparks, i would argue in fact, are perhaps the only facilitators for growth. and so i wish to share - share as many sources of sparks with you, gentle reader, so that you too may serendipitously experience that joy of understanding. if there is one thought i could offer to you, that would bring joy, love, clarity, or understanding to your life, then believe me, the hundreds of hours i've spent on this blog will have been indubitably worth it.
   

will you vote for me?

I Vote For You For God

When your eyes have found the strength
To constantly speak to the world
All that is most dear
To your own
Life,

When your hands, feet, and tongue
Can perform in that rare unison
That comforts this longing earth
With the knowledge

Your soul,
Your soul has been groomed
In His city of love;

And when you can make others laugh
With jokes
That belittle no one
And your words always unite,

Hafiz
Does vote for you.

Hafiz will vote for you to be
The minister of every country in
This universe.

Hafiz does vote for you my dear.
I vote for you
To be
God.

oh dear hafiz, will you vote for me? for i want nothing more than to see the world with eyes that speak with all that is most dear to me, than to speak and act only in ways that feed this starving soul, to laugh well but only so as not to belittle, to strive incessantly for greater peace and unity among all. vote for me, hafiz. your one vote may just make all the difference.

on facebook quizzes

apparently facebook users are tired of them, but i'm one of the laggards, hopping on to the bandwagon somewhat late as usual, and they positively elate me. i took a quiz two days ago that, after asking me a bunch of hard questions, decreed that i was a lovely lady. then today, i took a test that said i write like william shakespeare. again, how uncanny! i think there may be some truth to these tests after all. so far they've seen a 100% hit rate for me. wouldn't you say?

;)

the experimenter of all things

today was a big day, and i'd been anticipating it for a couple. today was the day for me to experiment with eating oatmeal. i had obtained the instructions from a; i just had to try them out. she'd included milk, honey, chopped strawberries, and bananas (bananas right? or did i make that up?) in her recipe, but i had neither honey, nor chopped strawberries or bananas at home, so i took the milk portion of it and created my own recipe as follows: take an overly optimistic quantity of milk in a bowl, mix it up bravely with only a spoonful of chocolate soy milk, boil the milk uncertainly for 50 seconds in the microwave, pour in a generous amount of oatmeal, and be prepared!

unfortunately, i skipped the last part of my recipe, and when i first tasted the oatmeal (with impassioned vigor, i might add), i wanted only to ask "what?". it took me a minute to realize that the reason this was my first sampling of oatmeal was, in fact, for the "what?" factor :). anyway, i added some sugar, and all was well with the world. next time, i shall try to stick to a's recipe more.

making a concerted effort towards experimentation has been rewarding, even if i haven't quite enjoyed some of these things to begin with. as i cultivate my relationship with the musical offering, i've brought myself to try their cappucino, cafe au lait, latte, chai latte, mocha, darjeeling tea, dragonwell green, lapsang souchong, and orange juice. i'm also cultivating an ear for western classical more and more. the music shop always has a cd on display indicating what they're 'now playing', and i've been studying them periodically. i don't remember any names now, but i hope that the names are sinking in somewhere for long-term fetching.

of course, this experimentation does extend beyond the musical offering as well. (oatmeal, for instance.) and if you, dear reader, have suggestions for more things i should try out, do please send them my way. i have a policy on recommendations - i try (as far as possible) to try them out. this applies to books, foods, movies, music, etc. you name it. i do believe that if anyone likes something enough to recommend it, and likes me enough (loosely defined to include everyone i know), there's reason enough to take them up on it. you know what i mean? i have discovered limitless beauty thus.

the story of giga de tenerife

about a week ago, you may recall, i was at freight and salvage, blissful in the company of a certain fiddle and cello duo. the tune giga de tenerife struck a special chord, and i was fortunate to find it on the cd i bought from them in the moment (um, pun intended, to be clear).

the tune left more of an impression than the others, and i came to share it with first one friend, then two more, and then another.

the first of these four to respond was my spanish-speaking bff:

just realized that "giga de tenerife" probably means Jig from Tenerife (probably a town name).

the next friend i heard from directed me to this website, and quoted it thus:

"Giga de Tenerife" - This tune was written (for lack of paper) on a plane from Tenerife to Madrid on the inside of a certain bag that can always be found in the seat pocket in front of you.

the third, almost simultaneously, shared:

The title of the tune took me by surprise. I was in Tenerife last fall/late summer - beautiful piece of land. Apparently, the tune was composed on a plane from Tenerife to Madrid :)

and when i shared aforesaid website with friend #4, he responded thus:

wow, that's amazing on so many levels:

1. that he could write an entire song in his head without instruments (i assume he didn't have a fiddle in his carry-on baggage :))
2. that the inspiration for a new song came to him while sitting in a plane
3. that he could write an entire song within the span of a plane journey
4. that the muse was so sudden and so fleeting that he grabbed the nearest piece of "paper" :)
   

as i put these separate exchanges together this morning (in the shower, in fact), i had the widest smile on my face, and for the longest time. i'd been listening to this tune for several days, but not until i had shared it with these souls and heard their lovely and varied responses, did i realize the immense good this sharing had done me: i do not speak spanish after all, and am woefully unnatural with my use of and affinity for google. the name of the tune certainly sounded exquisite, but i was just not inquisitive enough to probe further :(. i have certainly not been to spain, so to hear someone attest to tenerife's being a living and breathing part of the world's geography brought it to life for me in a beautiful way.

the insight friend #4 shared with me, however, served to penetrate deeper than i'd imagined i could be penetrated on the subject. while all four points he brought up were interesting to note, i was in fact wowed by his desire to think of them in the first place. i do not exaggerate, for it is far too easy, i find, to look where a finger points and be oblivious to the pointer himself (and this reminds me of my observation while reading siddhartha.) i am inspired by his effortless attempt to step into the mind of the artist and understand the why. and what matters not is whether any or all of the points are relevant, what matters is that one take the time to think. and to plunge directly, always, to the root.

and that is my story of giga de tenerife. i'd be only too overjoyed to share the piece with you should you be keen, at all, to hear.

zellerbach woes :)

last evening, i was at aswat - an arab music concert at the glorious zellerbach auditorium. the experience was lovely to behold. well, if i were to be completely honest, i'd say that i fell in love with half of it, while the other half demanded of me a more trained ear for the music. also, it is true, that next time i'll love it more.

while at zellerbach, i looked at the cal performances program and saw that mclaughlin and corea are performing here this saturday. my heart leapt, and i wanted to attend. in a few hours, i had decided i would indeed attend. in another few hours, other constraints had ceased to appear challenging. and another few, i was making plans. and then, when i wrote to a friend asking if he might be interested in attending, i finally took myself to the website to send him the link. the website said in no ambiguity - "sold out". my immediate reaction was a loud, internal groan :). this concert that i found out about only 12 hours ago (of music i haven't even developed an ear for yet, incidentally) had viciously transformed itself into a civil right i was now feeling deprived of. shortly enough, i stepped out and had a tremendous laugh at myself :).

i may not attend the concert, but i'm glad i've learned something from it anyway :).

the pettiness metric

i've been meaning to blog about this for a while, and the time this post has taken to materialize has only seen further evidence of its truth value.

last year, i found myself in a situation where i was unsure about which path to take and needed advice. the friend i was speaking to gave me her advice and added, "i know i'm being petty." that's where the pettiness thread started (yes, is it not amazing the way that words can change our lives, move mountains?). in these months, i have realized that one largely fool-proof and easy way to tell whether one is doing the 'right' thing or not (i.e. upholding one's dharma or not) is to ask oneself, "am i being petty?" it seems to pull me out of indecision in no time at all.

there, i just wanted to share that with you (and my future self, should there fall such need). don't be petty. it just isn't worth it.

not so nightmarish

last night i had a dream in which two people tried to kill me. no i have no idea who they were - it did not seem important :). while i've had similar and unpleasant dreams before and woken myself up in a sweat, last night was different. in my dream, i reasoned with myself - asked myself what there was to worry about. after all, my loved ones were safe, for i had already bargained for their lives with these folks who were intent on hurting me. what followed then was a philosophical discussion between the forces within - indeed, my very own version of lord krishna's famed dialog with arjuna. i (very literally) did not lose any sleep :). i haven't quite unpacked it yet, but it feels somewhat encouraging to know that i did not need to wake up to find my peace.

"to thine own self be true..."

"...then as surely as night follows day, thou canst to no man be false," said shakespeare. he was such a genius.

earlier today, a directed me to this beautiful reflection. it is so well-written truly, but would i have appreciated it just as well had i seen and read it several years ago? doubtful. so there is perhaps something to be said about the reader's ability to receive as well. unless both pieces fit in with each other, the magic is missing. and when they fit, epiphany strikes.

perhaps that is why there are poems that hit me differently than they hit you. perhaps it is the ideas and ideals that go through me that decide what i like, how much, and why. for instance, if there is one thing i want more than anything in this world - it is to love. freely, selflessly, unconditionally, unstoppably, unhelpably. given this (rather impossible) dream, hafiz's poem on the sun's love for the sky speaks to me loud and clear. just as when i sit in the dentist's chair, ogden nash comes to mind. just as when i'm graduating (a frequent enough occurrence, i suppose), kipling's "if" comes to mind.

i walk around with a soul that needs watering. each time it is watered, i fall in love. and then whether it is poem, song, quote, or cherry blossoms on a tree - it matters naught.

"beautiful!"

just had another one of those moments - of reading and (yes) gasping at the joy of words and how, by mere rearrangement and little alteration in meaning, they bring veritable showers of joy upon us. yesterday (in my inward bound post), i'd offered an analogy of the ground shaking beneath us to effect mobility and growth. the analogy did serve to express what i wanted it to, perhaps, but a's post brought me a wholly new and brilliantly positive perspective to revel in. i share it with you here:

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.
(- Beannacht, John O'Donohue)

the visual imagery generated from 'the ground shaking' and 'the clay dancing' are perhaps similar, but the two leave one with discretely different after-effects. don't you agree? leaving you to ponder, instead of imposing my own interpretations :).

on postponing for later

i realize that it's not always a bad thing (nothing is, in fact). when i was in india last, i was intent upon finishing all of swami vivekananda's complete works before my trip was over. i could only get to the 7th (of 9) though (each one is about 530 pages long). now that i return to reading his works online, i find so much joy in the realization that there is more of him to read that i have not yet read. i now take my time. i will get through the 9, but perhaps i could slow it down to a year before i'm done...

and when i am done, no doubt i will find joy in the realization that i can now begin re-reading from the beginning, and discover the lines in between then :).

oh life, do you never run out of rewarding experiences?!

this morning's hafiz

1. The Lamp that Needs No Oil

I have made the journey into Nothing.
I have lit that lamp that
Needs no oil.

I have cried great streams
Of emerald crystals
On my scarred knees, begging love

To never again let me hear from
Any world

The sound of my own name,
Even from the voice of divine thought

Or see that pen you gave me, God,
In the sun's or sky's skillful hand
Writing
Anything other than the word --
ONE.

I have made the journey into Nothing
I have become the flame that needs
No fuel.

Beloved,
Now what need is there to ever
Call for Hafiz?

For if you did,
I would just step out
of YOU.

2. Dividing God

The moon starts singing
When everyone is asleep
And the planets throw a bright robe
Around their shoulders and whirl up
Close to her side.

Once I asked the moon,
Why do you and your sweet friends
Not perform so romantically like that
To a larger crowd?

And the whole sky chorus resounded,

"The admission price to hear
The lofty minstrels
Speak of love

Is affordable only to those
Who have not exhausted themselves
Dividing God all day
And thus need rest.

The thrilled Tavern fiddlers
Who are perched on the roof

Do not want their notes to intrude
Upon the ears
Where an accountant lives
With a sharp pencil
Keeping score of words
Another
In their great sorrow or sad anger
May have once said
To you."

Hafiz knows:
The sun will stand as your best man
And whistle
When you have found the courage
To marry forgiveness

When you have found the courage
to marry
Love.

inward bound

reading several books at the same time seemed like a bad idea at first, and i wondered if i should limit myself, but then thought - why? i don't feel that way about people, do i? i don't limit myself to meeting one person in a week and then another, etc. so why limit myself thus with books? it worked, and i am now blissfully ensconced in reading all of the following (in no particular order), depending on my mood, time of day, availability of time, etc.:

• The Gift - Hafiz
• Open Secret - Rumi
• Narcissus and Goldmund - Herman Hesse
• The Bhagavad Gita (translation) - Eknath Easwaran
• Spiritual Warfare - Jed McKenna
• The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - Sogyal Rinpoche
• The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda (Vol. 7)
  

as i was reading spiritual warfare this evening, i came across a quote that i had just read in the tibetan book of living and dying. one of those coincidences that feel positively divine, if for a moment. here, i quote:

Perhaps the deepest reason why we are afraid of death is because we do not know who we are. We believe in a personal, unique, and separate identity - but if we dare to examine it, we find that this identity depends entirely on an endless collection of things to prop it up: our name, our "biography", our partners, family, home, job, friends, credit cards... It is on their fragile and transient support that we rely for our security. So when they are all taken away, will we have any idea of who we really are?

Without our familiar props, we are faced with just ourselves, a person we do not know, an unnerving stranger with whom we have been living all the time but we never really wanted to meet. Isn't that why we have tried to fill every moment of time with noise and activity, however boring or trivial, to ensure that we are never left in silence with this stranger on our own?

this quote made me think more when it was quoted than it did in its own book. (i wonder what that says about my reading. hm.) somewhere along the way, as i trudged through my life, i had lost myself in doing just that - avoiding time with the 'stranger' within, and at any cost. i filled up my time with people and things, making sure that not a minute was left vacant. i had vacuum-packed the person inside (ready to be parceled to siberia), ignorant and outwardly satisfied with the charade i had constructed for myself. ignorance is only pardonable as long as it unceasingly tends toward greater knowledge, though. when it begins to stagnate, the ground beneath must be shaken. something, anything, for movement, for growth.

thankfully, my prayers were answered (miraculously, even before they were voiced to a discerning ear, mine own included). the ground beneath my feet started to shake, the world became an illusion, and a deeper, firmer need surfaced: a need to get a good look at myself in the mirror, and not merely to catch fleeting glimpses in the eyes of others. nothing else would satisfy then.

as i gradually withdrew from 'people and things' and forced 'alone time' on myself, the joy i found came only to multiply. i remember wondering - if i can expect strangers to desire to befriend me, then why keep me from befriending myself? from giving myself the company i desire? after all, if i'm really interested in doing something i like to do, then i'm the best person to do it with, yes? (this works for unary operations anyway.) the ice was broken, and a new understanding emerged. we are good friends now, but it took some de-conditioning. well worth it, i say, because the rewards take new form everyday. and once the book has been taken down from the shelf, dusted, and opened, it's worse than the da vinci code. you just cannot put it down!

if there is one thing the rewarding experience has taught me since, it is this - there can be no room for fear in the discovery of oneself, for there is naught to fear. we hold on to our parachute for dear life when the lord has blessed us with wings. we need only let go, and these wings will carry us effortlessly through the heavens.

I Got Kin

Plant
So that your own heart
Will grow.

Love
So God will think,

"Ahhhhhh,
I got kin in that body!
I should start inviting that soul over
For coffee and
Rolls."

Sing
Because this is a food
Our starving world
Needs.

Laugh
Because that is the purest
Sound.

thank you, hafiz

when i read hafiz (i recently purchased the gift), i am filled with an overarching desire to find in me that side of him that loves all fellow beings boundlessly and with utter selflessness. that truth does lie within us all, i have no doubt. and in a moment's surrender of the ego, the appearance of the world does change drastically. i wonder if reading, understanding, and meditating upon hafiz repeatedly could give birth to a baby hafiz in me? or perhaps we already all have a baby hafiz in us, we just need to find the right nourishment for him? anyway, here's a poem for you to ponder over:

Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe
Me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the
Whole
Sky.

choosing to lose

every morning brings with it a new spark... this morning - as i basked lovingly in the supreme comfort that (no matter how hard i tried) i could no longer come up with 'loose ends', i realized that these ends had been constructs of the mind as well. that if the mind decides that there are no loose ends, there are none. no forces of resistance, it becomes a matter of making that choice, of choosing to lose the loose :).

you know what i mean?

a good question, hafiz

Why
Just ask the donkey in me
To speak to the donkey in you,

When I have so many other beautiful animals
And brilliant colored birds inside
That are all longing to say something wonderful
And exciting to your heart?

Let's open all the locked doors upon our eyes
That keep us from knowing the Intelligence
That begets love
And a more lively and satisfying conversation
With the Friend.

Let's turn loose our golden falcons
So that they can meet in the sky
Where our spirits belong -
Necking like two
Hot kids.

Let's hold hands and get drunk near the sun
And sing sweet songs to God
Until He joins us with a few notes
From His own sublime lute and drum.

If you have a better idea
Of how to pass a lonely night
After your glands may have performed
All their little magic
Then speak up sweethearts, speak up,
For Hafiz and all the world will listen.

Why just bring your donkey to me
Asking for sale hay
And a boring conference with the idiot
In regards to this precious matter -
Such a precious matter as love,

When I have so many other divine animals
And brilliant colored birds inside
That are all longing
To so sweetly
Greet
You!

lighter than a bird

my heart feels lighter than a bird today, burning with love for the world outside (and in). perhaps this you can understand - there are no loose ends to tie anymore. today i am reborn with clear eyes, and a glorious and unceasing love for all things great and small. and hafiz, that great soul who has understood every other, speaks to my mind in these words:

All
The craziness,
All the empty plots,
All the ghosts and fears,

All the grudges and sorrows have
Now
Passed.

I must have inhaled
A strange
Feather

That finally

Fell

Out.

"nature lives here too"

this day was spent discovering and rediscovering berkeley, both inside and outside. s, m, and m were in town, and although we'd hoped for a bright and sunny afternoon, i don't think the cloudy skies did much to cloud our spirits.

the facts (and you're in for a visual treat as well, dear reader, because i abandoned willingly my cherished false standards and shot abundantly with my phone camera): we started our afternoon with coffee and cake at masse's, the best bakery in town - as my erstwhile favorite professor at berkeley used to think (although he is no longer my favorite, and this may no longer be his). the opera cake was fantastic (no, not the one in the first picture below - to the extreme bottom left in the second), and we had a lovely time. yes, i'll just go ahead and speak for everyone here ;).

we then drove to campus, parked at telegraph & college, and entered via the art corner. i was surprised to hear s so appreciative of what i always see as chaos on campus, as we walked through the music patch on to the natural sciences'. campus is lush green these days 'tis true, and the sound of the strawberry creek is also exquisitely charming, especially in that moment one finds to say "can you hear the water flowing in the background? that's the creek."

our path was somewhat circuitous and led us through stanley hall, pimentel, hearst-memorial, evans (where we found the 'bike' below), the n.l. spots, the campanile (the second shot below) and the benches (the ones i have oft spent a precious moment on, those that my undergraduate class financed but i was then ignorant of), south hall (and the bear, of course), wheeler, (and i'm going to say) etc. s loved the news corner and had to be pulled away from reading all the news there :). he also pointed out that the free speech movement was something to be proud of berkeley for, and i am grateful that he did - i had not known its significance. gosh. no, i cannot list the great detail we explored campus in today, and had i not been in such delightfully exploratory and inquisitive company, i would be a lesser person in this moment.



the photo booth that i've written about earlier may be seen in the photos below. the pictures i picked left quite an impression. i wonder if you can read. the first says, "i've always spoken my mind. here, it is heard and answered." the second says, "at berkeley, if you can't find it, you just make it." the third says, "nature lives here too - the path, the flowers, the trees, the creek." all of these resonate with my sense of belonging for this mecca of learning.




we turned back as the clock struck 6 and the campanile bells rang for the next 15 minutes (they play for 15 minutes three times a day). the sun was about to set, we had walked through most of campus, the bells had rung - it was time to go home. here are some of the captures from our retreat (evans isn't quite that ugly, is it?):




after our campus tour, we serendipitously discovered the berkeley hills. it was a most pleasant detour, and we discovered sights i will tell you nothing about, so that you must visit me to get a glimpse on your own :). a poor picture is provided below in order to tempt you. you must give in, really.


after going all the way up and coming all the way down, we finally ended up at the school of religion that i had wanted us to see before our detour. i remembered sunsets as being especially beautiful from there, but apparently i was wrong, for the sunset wasn't even visible from here. either that or the trees have grown since, to prevent that old, pristine view. i think this part of berkeley is most charming and princeton-ish, though the real princetonian may please pitch in if she deems otherwise. here are some more final captures, taken by the setting sun:



after this, we drove through gourmet ghetto, decided we couldn't decide on a place, and resorted to zachary's for the bay area's best chicago-style pizza. you know, as an undergrad, i was really given to being the frog in the well - people would tell me that the bay area's best thai place, best japanese place, best chaat place, best pizza place, (the list is endless, honestly) all existed in berkeley, and i blindly believed. i am tempted to grant that these places are good, and perhaps indeed the best, but in berkeley :). to say more could only aim to mislead. and i wonder if anyone's even been to every restaurant in the bay area. if even of one cuisine alone. it's equivalent, in sentiment, to saying that berkeley is the best university in the bay area. and even that some might wish to contest.

pizza was great, and as with cheeseboard, pizza isn't quite the sole point of eating at zachary's. for instance, one gets to shop at pegasus next door while one waits. and this reminds me, my newly purchased books await my attention. i shall humbly oblige, while i leave you to ponder over when your next visit to berkeley might be. adios!