doctor of philosophy
perhaps it is one of those things that only makes sense when you're in it, not outside. why one who successfully completes a phd is called a doctor of philosophy, that is.
i came to berkeley for my undergraduate degree, and it taught me well. i asked the school for a degree in computer science and in math, and it gave without much resistance. i came out thinking i was one of those strongly left-brained people who could think only in symbols and equations, not words. i craved logic, and found it in math. i called myself a mathematician trapped in the body of a computer scientist (but as a friend later said - i was more a little girl trapped in the body of a computer scientist). thank goodness i wasn't born a genius. there would've been no escape. (although if i had been, there may not have been need for escape.)
years later, i come to berkeley for a 'doctor of philosophy' degree. again it gives. without much resistance, it slowly turns me into one of those people. the ones who find themselves at coffee shops lost in thought, in solitary walks, thinking all the time. from a heavily quantitative past, i move into a heavily qualitative, um, future. and then again, who knows. berkeley helped me fit in as an undergraduate, and it helps me fit in as a graduate. at berkeley, i have never felt out of place. and i cannot say the same for most other places i have been. is it a berkeley thing? it must be. it cannot possibly be me.
and now my mind wanders to that day in a different life when i returned home from school to find a highly coveted 'large envelope' sitting on my bed. one that was from berkeley, that said "i love you, papa" in a handwriting i love. that sight is etched within. it decided many of the courses my life has since taken.
ah, but then i was resistant. i had had other plans for myself - of going back to india, of going to the college i'd had my heart set on (the same that my sister had attended, naturally). my world was small then, and i could only aspire within the limitations i had set for myself. i had not learned to set the sky as the limit. years later, have i now? i do not know, but it is unlikely.
g's visit played a critical role then. she told me not to go back to india. she told me that if she'd been in my place, she'd have jumped at the opportunity, and that her brother (and his friends, apparently!) thought the same. i knew my parents wanted it. i decided i'd step out of myself for a change, and do this for my parents. how giving. what an imbecile i was.
and so i came, to this mecca of learning, of self-discovery, of growth. if there is one teaching that this place seeks to instill, it is to explore, to look for oneself, to follow the untrodden path, not walk in another's footsteps. everyday it humbles me, with its greatness, in my littleness. everyday i learn more, and yet everyday i seem to know less. the vastness of the space that lies ahead is overwhelming sometimes, and yet i am led.
as we all are.
i came to berkeley for my undergraduate degree, and it taught me well. i asked the school for a degree in computer science and in math, and it gave without much resistance. i came out thinking i was one of those strongly left-brained people who could think only in symbols and equations, not words. i craved logic, and found it in math. i called myself a mathematician trapped in the body of a computer scientist (but as a friend later said - i was more a little girl trapped in the body of a computer scientist). thank goodness i wasn't born a genius. there would've been no escape. (although if i had been, there may not have been need for escape.)
years later, i come to berkeley for a 'doctor of philosophy' degree. again it gives. without much resistance, it slowly turns me into one of those people. the ones who find themselves at coffee shops lost in thought, in solitary walks, thinking all the time. from a heavily quantitative past, i move into a heavily qualitative, um, future. and then again, who knows. berkeley helped me fit in as an undergraduate, and it helps me fit in as a graduate. at berkeley, i have never felt out of place. and i cannot say the same for most other places i have been. is it a berkeley thing? it must be. it cannot possibly be me.
and now my mind wanders to that day in a different life when i returned home from school to find a highly coveted 'large envelope' sitting on my bed. one that was from berkeley, that said "i love you, papa" in a handwriting i love. that sight is etched within. it decided many of the courses my life has since taken.
ah, but then i was resistant. i had had other plans for myself - of going back to india, of going to the college i'd had my heart set on (the same that my sister had attended, naturally). my world was small then, and i could only aspire within the limitations i had set for myself. i had not learned to set the sky as the limit. years later, have i now? i do not know, but it is unlikely.
g's visit played a critical role then. she told me not to go back to india. she told me that if she'd been in my place, she'd have jumped at the opportunity, and that her brother (and his friends, apparently!) thought the same. i knew my parents wanted it. i decided i'd step out of myself for a change, and do this for my parents. how giving. what an imbecile i was.
and so i came, to this mecca of learning, of self-discovery, of growth. if there is one teaching that this place seeks to instill, it is to explore, to look for oneself, to follow the untrodden path, not walk in another's footsteps. everyday it humbles me, with its greatness, in my littleness. everyday i learn more, and yet everyday i seem to know less. the vastness of the space that lies ahead is overwhelming sometimes, and yet i am led.
as we all are.
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