@peet's

this week has been equally divided between stanford and berkeley, and i find myself confused and energized at the same time. the cultures of both places are so diverse and so beautifully enriching in their own way; i am grateful to have the privilege of availing of the best of both worlds.

i had scheduled a meeting today with my ex-advisor at stanford to tie up another loose end. it's been months since we met, and while i'd expected a meeting not entirely pleasant, for varied reasons, i found myself in a conversation that was entirely beneficial in every way. it was honest and open on both ends, and led to remarkable realizations and insights i had not expected. i had assigned myself the task of silencing any resistance that found root in the ego, and the results spoke for themselves. i heard and understood better and more clearly than i ever had. i was no longer afraid to ask questions that needed answering. i was ready to listen to the worst, but it wasn't even bad.

this is a meeting i was apprehending. for days. our last few meetings had been conflict-stricken, and there'd been no reason for this one to not be as bad as all of them put together. on the contrary, i came out awe-struck and immensely grateful at how much good being open and honest could do. for both of us. there, another wall came down, as fear was transformed. and i cannot be thankful enough for these positive reinforcements that continue to strengthen my resolve to walk only the path of honesty and egolessness, silencing the fears.

reality hits

today, i was at the musical offering again, drinking my lapsang souchong. again. at the same long table i was at when i last posted about this place. while i sat reading on my laptop, i noticed a guy sitting diagonally opposite me writing in his notebook. sometime later, the waitress came to our table and asked him if he had ordered a sandwich. i looked up, and she asked me as well. i shook my head, but this guy was quiet. seemed unsure. he finally said, "you know what. i don't know." he looked apologetic, and i laughed looking at his apologetic face. laughed, yes, but only affectionately, signing him off as one of those absent-minded, forgetful, geniuses berkeley is abundantly blessed with. and then he said to her, "the thing is i have a problem. i have no short-term memory. i have to write things down." it felt like one of those rude awakenings when you'd rather be dreaming, and i didn't know where to look, what to say. i thought about this incident a long time, and the ever-expanding space that had fallen between my laughter and my state of shock. life really is like a box of chocolates, isn't it?

to "love" or not to "love"

i had considered a post on this train of thought a while ago, then put it aside. perhaps so that my friend could remark on it yesterday and inspire me to write with renewed favor.

many years ago, prior to the (entrance of the) email era (in my life), i frequently addressed cards and letters to my friends, and always rejoiced in signing off with "love". "lots of love", even. and other creative expressions such as "pots of love" and "buckets of love" and "infinite universes filled with love". there was a gradation of course, to distinguish between those i loved more and those i loved less, and to distinguish between times of greater and lesser love. hm.

there came a time when i became more sparing with this "love". peer pressure. when i looked around, i found that no one signed off with love anymore. countries had changed, relationships had changed, and perhaps people had as well. then followed the era of "thanks", "cheers!", "best", "see you", "ciao", "tschuss", etc. "love" automatically became reserved for those i was closer to. perhaps the distinction between those i felt secure to love and those i didn't?

and to cut (quite) a long story short, i am back to loving now. and "love"-ing. 'tis a relief to shed the resistance. a loose end is tied as a wall comes down. no, i do not shock my advisor with a "love" at the end of all my mails. nor do i sign off thus when i write to those who know me little and may feel taken aback, perhaps? (love one as they will be loved, right?) but with people i can be 'un'-professional with, why allow the hesitation? i am happy to share the love. and thus, am happy to express it. especially where it may be most universally acceptable to do so explicitly - at the end of my emails.

and blog posts, sometimes. much love :).

(p.s. my name, sans the "A" sound at the end, does actually mean "love" (thanks, of course, to mom and dad). and when the "a" at the end is simply pronounced differently, life becomes rather convenient. i can then simply sign off as myself, as i tend to do most times, and in that bundle in all the love i'd like to send. but making things explicit sometimes can't be such a bad thing. words, after all, have tremendous power.)

"it's cloudy outside but sunny inside"

it isn't actually - it's sunny both inside and outside, but that's what my friend's alarm used to say every morning back in middle school. earlier today, i read the poem on a's blog that began with "morning has broken", and thought about my own post below with the line, "and morning will be here once again." as i commented to her, it is just a matter of perspective, is it not?

it is intriguing, really, how what goes on on the outside is always so different from what goes on within. is it possible, though, to make ourselves so porous that there is no outside-inside duality? that what is inside is outside, and what is outside inside? this sounds rather abstract. what i really allude to is that shield of perception that creates that 'hairbreadth of distinction', that brings us to judge, to select and reject. we can do away with it entirely, can we not?

ye haunsla kaise jhuke?

this pleasantly evocative song fills the heart with hope and optimism. a chain of emails led a dear friend and me to discuss it this morning, and when i heard it again, i heard it again and again. i share it with you here, and offer a highly inadequate translation:

ye haunsla kaise jhuke
ye aarzoo kaise ruke
manzil mushkil to kya
dhundhla sahil to kya
tanha ye dil to kya

raah pe kaate bikhre agar
uspe to phir bhi chalna hi hai
shaam chhupa le suraj magar
raat ko ik din dhalna hi hai

rut ye tal jayegi
himmat rang layegi
subah phir aayegi

hogi humein to rehmat ada
dhoop kategi saaye tale
apni khuda se hai ye dua
manzil laga le hum ko gale

zurrat sau baar rahe
ooncha iqraar rahe
zinda har pyaar rahe

how may this spirit bow its head?
how may this aspiration falter?
so what if the end is difficult to reach?
or if the shore is hazy from here?
or if this heart is alone?

even if the path is laden with thorns
i cannot but tread on it
and even if the evening is able to hide the sun
one day, the night too must be on its way

this season will soon pass
courage will bear fruit
and morning will be here once again

we will receive merciful grace
and be rescued from the rays of the sun
my only prayer is for
my end to embrace me

may strength last a hundred-fold
may this promise stand high
may every love live on

beamtimes and lifetimes

reading for classes can be rewarding sometimes :). yesterday, i started reading assigned portions of sharon traweek's beamtimes and lifetimes. an intriguing read, i highly recommend it for all lovers of physics. traweek is an ethnologist who studies the world of high energy physicists. i'm not done reading it yet, and am shocked that i have no desire to put it down even after obtaining the gist. while on the one hand, i find myself enraptured by physicists, their science (um, religion?), and how they connect, there are fascinating analogies to be drawn with the non-physics-driven world as well. i found this quote by roland barthes deep and inspiring in particular:

The origin of work is not in the first influence, it is in the first posture: one copies a role, then by metonymy, an art; I begin by reproducing the person I want to be.

@bytes

i find myself this morning at bytes cafe after many months. can barely recall the last time, but the months have made no difference. as i walked into packard and was hit by the all-too-familiar fragrance of coffee brewing, i was filled with the joy of coming back home. it is nice that, when there is a connection, the home-ness finds itself intact. a sense of timelessness seeps in. it is as though you had a dream, and in your dream you traveled the world, scaled the oceans, lived your life, but then woke up to find yourself in the same familiar surroundings you've always loved. i am reminded of this quote by coleridge i first discovered in college and loved instantly (yet another homecoming):

What if you slept? And what if in your sleep you dreamed? And what if in your dream you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?

sometimes

you may need to spiral downwards to reach the center...

the afternoon walk

was beautiful today. although the weather forecast had predicted rainfall, the sky outside is a perfect blue and the sun shines bright. the 2-3.30 slot on tuesdays and thursdays finds room in between classes for contemplation, and today i loved the leisurely walk to nefeli and back, especially the part where i unexpectedly ran into the most photogenic view of the campanile - against the blue of the sky and the green of the trees on memorial glade. spring is already here at the memorial glade, in fact, as trees burst into flowers pink and white.

sometimes, on these occasions, i wish i had a camera on me. at other times i'm just grateful that the camera has trained my eyes to see so clearly.

(technological determinism? or social construction of technology (scot)? i don't buy the former, so it must be the latter. point to ponder. for those of you who wonder what this is about - it's stuff from 203.)

even the old is new

as past impressions fade, even the old is new. and the new remains as new, even as i revisit it daily. i feel as though i had slipped into a deep and self-propelling coma, numb to my innate connection with this universe. i am infinitely grateful that this sleep cycle was broken. life is blessed with meaning. and the loose ends are slowly being tied. the steady production of loose ends is also on the decline.

yesterday, i taught myself to cook. not anything major - only pasta. it involved several 'firsts' though - discovering the pots and pans in my kitchen, using all the (3 of 4, actually) burners of my cooking range, learning to boil pasta and discovering that the pot was too small and there wasn't enough water so some of the pasta would stick to the sides, learning to boil vegetables in the microwave and either under-doing it or over-doing it, figuring out when the spices go in and what spices go in, realizing there was too much salt and resorting to milk for damage control, trying to time the ingredients right, and so on. every step felt like a new experiment, bringing with it a new discovery, and in the end, imagine my happiness to find that my first cooking experience had resulted in something edible. gosh. (there was no chopping, no sauteing, no overwhelmingly indian aromas this time. i will get there too.)

and as i cooked, i also relearned the act of putting a cd into my cd player and listening to its music, inhaling the euphoria it so graciously lent to the occasion. something in me (that i cannot find a name for) found its way out. and i came out of the experience fully intact, more fully than before even. that feeling of being enveloped in music is special. there is definitely something to the connection between music and the human soul.

another first was the visit to the grocery store. instead of rushing to get what i needed so i could get out of there as quickly as possible, i strolled through every aisle, thinking about everything that my apartment needed. of course, i willingly spent more in the bargain, indulging myself with purchases of mint-flavored dental floss, toothbrushes, a sea-blue method hand-soap, special k cereal, a large crate of clementines, a box of swiffers, whole-wheat with flax bread, and more mundanities. safeway was so loud that i could blissfully hum to myself the entire time without anyone being able to hear. to cut a long story short, i can't recall when grocery shopping was ever such a pleasurable experience.

and even the new... months ago, my eyes had first opened themselves to the meditative joy of walking to school and back. this joy remains intact. and this makes me wonder - perhaps what i'm really trying to say is that every day feels like a new day, bringing with it new lessons, new opportunities to offer for new successes, and new kindnesses to share. the walking route may be old, but the experiences are new. just as i've cooked pasta many, many times before, but the experience feels new.

although i can't be certain, i sense that much of this peace stems from my effort to 'see things as they are' this month, as i learn to distance myself from opinion and judgment, longing and aversion. as the poem i recently posted says -

When you cling to a hairbreadth of distinction,
heaven and earth are set apart.

seeing things 'as they are' is also to see them in the light of their oneness of being. the distinction is only in the mind, manifesting itself in the form of just those opinions and judgments, longings and aversions. selection and rejection only keeps us from true perception.

In the world of things as they are,
there is no self, no non self.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

isn't this a powerful poem? and now i urge you to return to the start and put yourself in place of the 'you'. can you answer the poet's questions? and how? doesn't it give an intriguing check-list of sorts? more things to do before i die?

kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

- Naomi Shibab Nye

and one more

on the art of disappearing, by a poet i just discovered - naomi shihab nye. the last lines speaks to some of my recent posts, and i thought to add them in here.

When they say Don’t I know you?
say no.

When they invite you to the party
remember what parties are like
before answering.

Someone telling you in a loud voice
they once wrote a poem.
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.
Then reply.

If they say We should get together.
say Why?

It’s not that you don’t love them any more.
You’re trying to remember something
too important to forget.
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.
Tell them you have a new project.
It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.
When someone you haven’t seen in ten years
appears at the door,
don’t start singing him all your new songs.
You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf.
Know you could tumble any second.
Then decide what to do with your time.

the oscars

i haven't even seen slumdog, but when the awards were announced yesterday, my heart was filled with joy. not for the movie that i wasn't in a place to judge anyway, but for the world that continues to grow smaller, and for the slum children who found themselves on the stage and in the spotlight. also for the music of a.r. rahman that will perhaps now touch many more souls. no matter the controversies that arose, that had to arise, the movie was destined to win. imagine the number of prayers that were behind it :).

The Mind of Absolute Trust

"the truth is to be heard, reasoned upon, then meditated upon", as swami vivekananda often said, and poetry is such a wonderfully communicative medium. so i share with you the words of seng-ts'an, a former zen patriarch who first attempted to fuse the teachings of mahayana buddhism and taoism. in these powerful words lies a glimpse of his attempt.

The Great Way isn't difficult
for those who are unattached to their preferences.
Let go of longing and aversion,
and everything will be perfectly clear.
When you cling to a hairbreadth of distinction,
heaven and earth are set apart.
If you want to realize the truth,
don't be for or against.
The struggle between good and evil
is the primal disease of the mind.
Not grasping the deeper meaning,
you just trouble your mind's serenity.
As vast as infinite space,
it is perfect and lacks nothing.
But because you select and reject,
you can't perceive its true nature.
Don't get entangled in the world;
don't lose yourself in emptiness.
Be at peace in the oneness of things,
and all errors will disappear by themselves.

If you don't live in the Tao,
you fall into assertion or denial.
Asserting that the world is real,
you are blind to its deeper reality;
denying that the world is real,
you are blind to the selflessness of all things.
The more you think about these matters,
the farther you are from the truth.
Step aside from all thinking,
and there is nowhere you can't go.
Returning to the root, you find the meaning;
chasing appearances, you lose their source.
At the moment of profound insight,
you transcend both appearance and emptiness.
Don't keep searching for the truth;
just let go of your opinions.

For the mind in harmony with the Tao,
all selfishness disappears.
With not even a trace of self-doubt,
you can trust the universe completely.
All at once you are free, with nothing left to hold on to.
All is empty, brilliant, perfect in its own being.
In the world of things as they are,
there is no self, no non self.
If you want to describe its essence,
the best you can say is "Not-two."
In this "Not-two" nothing is separate,
and nothing in the world is excluded.
The enlightened of all times and places
have entered into this truth.
In it there is no gain or loss;
one instant is ten thousand years.
There is no here, no there;
infinity is right before your eyes.
The tiny is as large as the vast
when objective boundaries have vanished;
the vast is as small as the tiny
when you don't have external limits.
Being is an aspect of non-being;
non-being is no different from being.
Until you understand this truth,
you won't see anything clearly.
One is all; all are one.
When you realize this, what reason for holiness or wisdom?
The mind of absolute trust
is beyond all thought, all striving,
is perfectly at peace, for in it there is no yesterday, no today, no tomorrow.

- Seng-Ts'an

for the sake of strangers

No matter what the grief, its weight,
we are obliged to carry it.
We rise and gather moments, the dull strength
that pushes us through crowds.
And then the young boy gives me directions
so avidly. A woman holds the glass door open,
waits patiently for my empty body to pass through.
All day it continues, each kindness
reaching toward another - a stranger
singing to no one as I pass on the path, trees
offering their blossoms, a retarded child
who lifts his almond eyes and smiles.
Somehow they always find me, seem even
to be waiting, determined to keep me
from myself, from the thing that calls to me
as it must have once called to them –
this temptation to step off the edge
and fall weightless, away from the world.

the whole world speaks - if only we can tune our ears to listen. it ceaselessly finds ways to rescue us from our own self-absorption, if only we are attentive. the poet dorianne laux asks us to respond to the fullness of experience of our humanity. i've often felt this, in moments of rapt wonder - that the world is ever welcoming us with open arms, trying to pull us away from the travails of our mind so we can look towards the gentle beauty it has to offer and immerse ourselves in it. it is we who close all doors, actively separating ourselves from this world that was always ours. and with each door that is opened, in a moment of surrender, we find ourselves bathed in the light of love and kindness. these are the words that come to me each day, as i walk to school and back.

ithaka

i remember with great fondness that my sister had sent me this poem when i first commenced my days at berkeley. i identified with it then, for there was a journey i was so obviously beginning, and it was obvious even then that the journey would be more important than the end. now, as i read this poem, i realize it holds so much more. life is a journey that allows a myriad of journeys to unfold within it, but really, it isn't about the hurdles we find on our way; it is about our ability to respond (responsibility!) to these hurdles. and as we do that, ithaka ensures that we nourish our minds and senses as well. in the end, all how we shall will it.

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon-don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon-you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbors you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

- C. P. Cavafy

tying up the loose ends

a friend messaged me today saying, "you're not really going to die tomorrow, are you?" chances are i'm not. chances are i'm going to stick around for at least another week. and i may not even be so fortunate to know that i have one more week to go when i do have just one more week to go. but chances are that even if i do know, i won't want to spend that one week tying up the loose ends.

what are these loose ends? the list of to-dos that gets longer all the time, the unresolved threads of my existence i wish i had resolved years ago, the graceful resolutions that i have postponed indefinitely. due, in large part if not wholly, to the ego. so do i give an example, or do i let my ego get in the way and protect myself from embarrassment? an example would be good, it appears, and the ego could do with a little subversion.

not too long ago, i was a student of hindustani classical music. circumstances arose, demanding that i discontinue lessons. at first, i postponed informing my guru because i was looking for the right way (read 'being lazy' really) to tell him. and then i postponed because i had already postponed for so long. this is depressing and disgraceful behavior. and as a result, whenever there was a chance of my running into him or one of his disciples, i'd have palpitations (never with reason though). instead of an hour of difficult (but straight-forward and honest) conversation, i had chosen for myself more than a year of guilt and palpitations. incredible, is it not?

like this one (now en route to resolution, thank heavens), there are several other fears that need to be conquered. after all, if love and fear are the only substances the heart is made of, then this heart's mission is to transform every fear to love by way of peace. so that love is all there is. i do believe it is the only way to live. life is too short otherwise.

and if i were to attempt a definition of 'fear' - it would include every craving and aversion that we allow ourselves to form an attachment towards. obsession with ice cream, aversion to filling forms, craving for sunshine, dislike for eggplant - are all fears that have sneaked into my existence at some point of life and been resolved in due course of time. but there are many others - some resolved, but uncountably many that await resolution. these lasting fears and ceaseless guilt i am no longer able to suffer. i want them to dissolve, evaporate, do the disappearing act. i want to tie up these loose ends. so that tomorrow, if i were to die, all would be well with the world (from my field of vision, of course).

fear makes little sense. but when the fear is transformed to love, and the heart is filled to the brim, that love makes sense. life is tough, and i'm left without a choice than to just do it!

the final frontier

can we lead our lives preparing to die? on the one hand it sounds rather morbid, but on the other it gives greater direction with respect to liberating the fears that lurk in the darkness within. am i ready to die tomorrow? this question brings with it a host of emotions. but simply, no. for there are so many fears to conquer still, and unfinished threads to resolve within. i do not wish to die with unconquered fears, and if that priority is high enough on my list of 'things to do before i die', i pray for the courage to resolve them, to check them off the list one by one. is this any different from being pulled toward the already-existent oak? perhaps not, but i do have an undefined deadline. what if i were to die tomorrow? is there a moment to spare? i must do what i can.

indeed, i have miles to go before i sleep. the question is - how far can i push the walking? there's not a moment to lose, in fact. and there is no better time. i must start now.

With that Moon Language

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."
Of course you do not do this out loud;
otherwise someone would call the cops.
Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.
Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye
that is always saying,
with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

- Hafiz

Each Moment a White Bull Steps Shining Into the World

If the gods bring to you
a strange and frightening creature,
accept the gift
as if it were one you had chosen.

Say the accustomed prayers,
oil the hooves well,
caress the small ears with praise.

Have the new halter of woven silver
embedded with jewels.
Spare no expense, pay what is asked,
when a gift arrives from the sea.

Treat it as you yourself
would be treated, brought speechless and naked
into the court of a king.

And when the request finally comes,
do not hesitate even an instant –

stroke the white throat,
the heavy, trembling dewlaps
you’d come to believe were yours,
and plunge in the knife.

Not once
did you enter the pasture
without pause,
without yourself trembling,
that you came to love it,that was the gift.

Let the envious gods take back what they can.

- Jane Hirshfield

sonnets to orpheus, part two, xii

Want the change. Be inspired by the flame
Where everything shines as it disappears.
The artist, when sketching, loves nothing so much
as the curve of the body as it turns away.

What locks itself in sameness has congealed.
Is it safer to be gray and numb?
What turns hard becomes rigid
and is easily shattered.

Pour yourself like a fountain.
Flow into the knowledge that what you are seeking
finishes often at the start, and, with ending, begins.

Every happiness is the child of a separation
it did not think it could survive. And Daphne,
becoming a laurel,
dares you to become the wind.

Rainer Maria Rilke

the need to recalibrate

i've written recently about cultivating instinct, and having given it considerable thought, i now see and understand this process and its benefits in daily living. i've also seen examples of success in my own life - some easier, some a little harder. that's all good.

today, i found myself thinking about the opposite part of the deal - about de-cultivating instinctual behavior patterns. as i walked past the rsf today, there were folks outside trying to get students to try out the a2b electric bikes. it was a beautiful sunny day, and walking by, i felt like trying out the bike - for no more than to feel the breeze in my face as i biked around the pedestrian path they had demarcated for the test-ride. it was one of those moments that found me yearning for the wind, the world to 'go through' me.

signing up, however, seemed like a monumental task. 'not worth it' was my instinctual response. i felt so much resistance toward the act of signing up that i was willing to give up (what i knew would be) the immense joy of the experience. i am embarrassed to admit this now, but i was far more embarrassed to detect this resistance then. fully aware of the positiveness i would experience if i simply let go, i did just that. i let go. how strange it sounds to make filling out six fields feel like such a big deal, but that is just how it was. until i did it.

and that got me thinking - how are such instinctual patterns to be de-cultivated? there is no fool-proof method, of course, but gradually, as we become more self-aware, and learn to disapprove of instinctual reactions when they don't align with our selected ideals, and learn to be patient with that disapproval and give ourselves time - there, in that time, change happens. and with every act of letting go, we open one more door between us and the world. my days, these days, are spent looking for the keys that will open these doors. some are easier to find than others, but how empowering to realize that i have all the keys. i just need to spend the time looking.

in some ways, i feel that if we just applied ourselves to our spiritual growth as we do to our material/worldly growth, we'd all transition into perfect people. i mean, 8 hours of diligent work gets us the promotions we aim for, does it not? if we just practised our virtues diligently for half that time, is not the sky the limit? of course, if we walk the path of karma yoga, even that isn't necessary.

Zero Circle

Be helpless, dumbfounded,

Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up.

We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we’re lying.
If we say No, we don’t see it,
That No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit.

So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.

- Rumi

a fourth candidate

so far, if you've been following :), i've attempted to prove that detachment = mindfulness = acceptance. i'd like to bring in a fourth candidate into the system: egolessness. egolessness certainly implies acceptance, for when there exists no ego, how may there be a force de resistance? what will resist? there is no 'i'. and if there is acceptance and surrender, one allows oneself to be guided entirely by divine will. there is no room for the ego to step in then, for the ego's purpose is solely to separate, to resist, to pull away instead of flowing along with.

does this work? and if it does, so? there's the question of what's really guiding me to draw these connections. well, practical reasons, for one. detachment is an ideal the gita sets forth, and mindfulness is an ideal that tnh (and zen buddhism in general) emphasizes. still far from practising these ideals every moment of my life, i find it helpful in my spiritual practice to view a situation in light of different ideals (knowing, especially, that they lead to the same outcome). in certain situations, i understand better what it means to detach, while at other times, acceptance makes better sense. when the time between a stimulus and response is short, and i need to hurry up the train of thought, it seems easier to resort to a different component of this equation. aside from practical reasons, there is also a certain joy i find in moving towards resolution and simplicity. it feels like a discrete step forward. you know?

if you have other candidates you'd like to propose, i'd love to hear. one obvious one is, of course, love. but love is everything, love is every state. it is the end and it is the journey to the end. know what i mean? so for the time being, we'll keep it outside and above all.

(nb: egolessness is substitutable by selflessness.)

on senses

oh, this is beautiful. i think every soul has a poet that best expresses its core. tagore is mine. at least until the once-existent poet in me is able to rediscover itself. i've battled intensely with thoughts on renunciation vs. thoughts on self-indulgence, trying to assess where my reason and heart lie. in these words, my core resonates.

Senses

Deliverance is not for me in renunciation.
I feel the embrace of freedom in a thousand bonds of delight.
Thou ever pourest for me the fresh draught of thy wine of various colours and fragrance, filling this earthen vessel to the brim.
My world will light its hundred different lamps with thy flame
and place them before the altar of thy temple.
No, I will never shut the doors of my senses.
The delights of sight and hearing and touch will bear thy delight.
Yes, all my illusions will burn into illumination of joy,
and all my desires ripen into fruits of love.

and on love

and this may not be the month of love, necessarily, but then - is any month not the month of love? :) i love this little treasure of tagore's. this is the ideal of love i seek to attain in every shade of this life.

By all means they try to hold me secure who love me in this world.
But it is otherwise with thy love which is greater than theirs,
and thou keepest me free.
Lest I forget them they never venture to leave me alone.
But day passes by after day and thou art not seen.
If I call not thee in my prayers, if I keep not thee in my heart,
thy love for me still waits for my love.

rediscovering tagore

in song unsung:

The song that I came to sing remains unsung to this day.
I have spent my days in stringing and in unstringing my instrument.
The time has not come true, the words have not been rightly set;
only there is the agony of wishing in my heart.
The blossom has not opened; only the wind is sighing by.
I have not seen his face, nor have I listened to his voice;
only I have heard his gentle footsteps from the road before my house.
The livelong day has passed in spreading his seat on the floor;
but the lamp has not been lit and I cannot ask him into my house.
I live in the hope of meeting with him; but this meeting is not yet.

to friendship

last night, p came and stayed over. somehow, the middle of the week allowed for hours of endless conversation and much internal fulfillment. overflowing with gratitude for the world begins to become boring after a while, 'tis true.

i also realize how slow and old my brain has become, though. i feel like it will take me a few days to unpack the insights gained from the reflections we shared, to be able to sift out the lessons learned that i would benefit from incorporating into my life, and to be able to be justly grateful for these insights and lessons :). thank god for interactions/exchanges such as these, that teach in ways that are infinitely gentle and kind. thank god for friends. and thank god for p :). here's to friendship (and to you), in the words of gibran:

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

"thanks for sharing"

in recent days, i have both heard and felt this often, realizing thus that the line has come to acquire a whole new meaning for me. we don't grow in isolation, but in our interactions with this world - the flow of knowledge that takes place between the world and us. much (most?) of this growth may be attributed to the nuggets of wisdom that our friends and loved ones share with us. as i read bright butterfly's comment on my previous post, it struck me all of a sudden how much richer my life is for the gems that have been shared with me. i consider it a divine occurrence each time a song, a poem, a thought flies past me and leaves my life (and me) changed forever.

and so, dear world, every time you hear me say "thanks for sharing", what i really mean to say is, "you've changed my life forever, with this treasure that you've shared. i could never thank you enough! sigh."

"because that's my job..."

i just heard elizabeth gilbert's speech at ted, and really - you should too. it may be obvious that i'm enamoured by her talent and persona, but as i listened to her talk, it made me love the writer in her so much more, for she comes across as exactly that realized soul that you read about in her book (eat pray love).

(and if you do take the time to listen, wait until the 14th and 15th minutes to see how she ties in creative genius with nishkama karma.)

the slow movement

all this time, i'd been waiting for the right bandwagon to come by so i could jump onto it. well, i finally found it - it's the 'slow movement' bandwagon. of course, he read my ideas (posted earlier) even before i'd articulated them, but i'm oh, so glad the movement is indeed 'moving'.

i was introduced to carl honore by a, for he's giving a talk at microsoft today. microsoft impresses. anyway, i'll leave you to read about him and his book here. a book review to follow in due time.

seeing things as they are

the other day, when i met b, one analogy stood out in particular. she mentioned it from a mechanical engineering standpoint, and i am sure i butcher it here. it did have its impact, and so i record.

when we assess the motion of an object, we need a frame of reference that is steady and fixed. only then can we truly understand its motion. if the frame of reference is unsteady, and the object is moving, it is difficult to accurately assess that motion. so it is also with us and the world - when we are aware of ourselves and steady in this knowledge, we accurately assess the world around us. not only do we see ourselves clearly, but in doing so, we see the world clearly as well. when our vision of our own self is clouded, there is no way to clearly see the world around us either.

this brings to mind another moving story that a shared with us last week. when a husband and wife move into their new apartment, the wife sees an old lady in the neighborhood who hangs her wash out to dry. the clothes look dirty, and the wife remarks that the old lady probably does not use good detergent to wash her clothes. this happens daily, and daily the wife remarks thus. the husband is quiet. one fine morning, the wife wakes up to find that the old lady's wash looks spotless! she brings this to her husband's attention, adding that the old lady probably found a better detergent to wash her clothes with. the husband then tells her that he had woken up early that morning to clean the windows.

the story was simple and quaint, but there's a lesson there for all of us, isn't there? how often do we think that the rest of the world is in need of the right detergent, without taking the time to check if our windows are indeed clean? point to ponder, yes?

as i see them, both analogies speak to the same objective - that we must clean our windows and steady ourselves in our knowledge before we attribute a flaw to the world outside. only self-purification and self-awareness can really help us get to the point where we see things as they are.

from the day's reading

i spent this morning devouring one of the pile of books i had procured at the chinmaya mission in delhi, titled conscious living. filled with deep insights, that i can only pray seep in deeper and deeper with each read, i found the following especially thought-provoking (filled with optimism at the same time):

We rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance; endurance produces character; character produces hope; and hope does not disappoint us because God's love has been poured into our hearts. (Romans 5.3-5)

binding the mind

n was kind enough to stop by this evening, and we ordered north beach pizza home for dinner. north beach used to be the heavenliest pizza when i was an undergrad. i wonder what the fuss was all about :). it's just plain old regular pizza. with jalapenos and pineapple, too.

there were several dinner conversations (or should i say question-answer sessions? ;) that entertained. one of them entailed n asking me if i was placing too many restrictions on the mind. if i remember correctly, this stemmed from my telling him about my thought experiment of imagining that when i spoke, the entire world could hear my words. (this was done with the intent of controlling my speech, in line with post below, until i was able to let go of the training wheels. i still do it sometimes, for it appears to be a foolproof means of ensuring that the kindness gatekeeper is satisfied.)

so then - is it undesirable to place restrictions on the mind? perhaps, when these restrictions curb creativity and keep the mind from healthful, wholesome growth. but i do believe that if the restrictions are placed in line with the growth process of purifying the mind, they are entirely well-suited. an obvious example that comes to mind is that i now floss instinctively every night, thanks to the constant positive reinforcement of "i love to floss" (thank you for this brilliant idea, c).

some virtues we are born with; others we must cultivate until they become instinctual. no big deal. if honesty doesn't come instinctively, can it not be cultivated? i do believe i'm an honest person, but there was a time that i would lie about brushing my teeth. is there anything wrong with having placed a restriction on my mind to practice honesty? and what about vegetarianism?

the point, i think, is this. we need to find out who we really are - in acorn form, as well as in the form of the already-existent oak. this oak then embodies all our ideals, and pulls the acorn toward itself. but the process of growing into the oak must come at a (rather low, if you ask me) price. that price is in the restrictions that we must place on our minds in the form of discipline, to get from point a to point b, that is - from acorn to oak. to begin with, this may be hard work. but habit turns to instinct, soon enough. believe it, it is truth.

about rivers

here's the thing: they all flow to the ocean.

it's beautiful when it rains

and one is indoors with no commitments to step out for the day. not that i don't have school or several other things i could be gainfully employed in at present, but my back complains and i surrender for its recovery. the good part of it is that i don't know if i've ever spent such a peace-filled sick day at home :). this morning (a rather extended morning) was spent drifting in and out of sleep. moments of consciousness were spent in meditation, peaceful contemplation, and articulation of prayer. and the raindrops falling on my window sill played their part.

i'm still reflecting on eat pray love, especially the excerpts i posted yesterday. since i am home with little to do, i shall attempt to articulate these reflections now. i'm numbering them from 1 to 25, thus referencing the 25 excerpts i just posted.

1. i've been in that state of not knowing from where (or if) the sun rose anymore. i would not wish that darkness on anyone, and yet - should you find yourself there, believe that it is god's greatest blessing. destruction is brought about for life to recreate itself afresh. the time it takes for regeneration is immaterial then. when one reaches the light, the bliss is immeasurable. it's like the hours of loneliness you feel when your friends have forgotten to wish you on your birthday, only to be given the biggest surprise party of your life!
   
2. societal norms/pressures have their role to play perhaps, but i remember a time when alone-ness seemed but a state of transience. but it is only a matter of getting to the "why?" question. while there are and always will be (touch wood) people to love us and take care of us, they cannot enter into us and lead us to our destiny. we have to make that effort on our own, alone, and perhaps that seems like a lot of work to begin with. but eventually we find that it is the only source of true peace - to know what lies within, to know who we truly are. and then again, when we are willing to subject so many others to our friendship, is it not hypocrisy to shy ourselves away from the same?
3. the ability to respond. i read somewhere recently that the questions of our existence find their answers in that space between a stimulus and a response. the quality of this response, when well-considered and inspired by our inner voice, determines who we are and who we become. spiritual growth then, as i see it, is all about honing that ability.
4. how perfect :). this shloka segment reinforces that state we are to strive for. indeed, i believe, if we repeated just this line to ourselves 700 times daily, life would transform itself into perfection itself.
5. the conversation between the author and her mind is along the lines of the conversations i have with my mind daily. it is amusing, and should you perceive it so - ever so endearing, to see how the mind wishes to pull itself away all the time. i remember reading somewhere about the fickle nature of the mind, and the ways in which to treat it so it may be tamed. i like to treat it as a mother treats her playful child, gently pulling it away from its myriad trains of thought. i feel the relationship between the mind and the intellect is thus enhanced, built on a foundation of loving kindness. this relationship, of course, is one between myself and myself, to get to myself :). right.
   
6. i loved this part. there is enough said about renouncing and not renouncing, about buddha's discoveries on the futility of self-mortification, etc. but truly, i do not have buddha's confidence :). to build that confidence within, it has helped to take turns weaning myself off all those worldly engagements i believe i could not live without - "a beginner's attempt at self-mastery" indeed. and slowly, the power to endure does build itself. "eventually, everything goes away", so what is the point of crying out of pain while it lasts? mosquitoes may be avoided, certainly, but there are other life mosquitoes that aren't quite in our control. gradually, by building the endurance, we learn to accept everything life brings us with a smile.
7. "i want god to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." how poetic and beautiful. i could not have said it better in a million attempts. i started with being a blind believer in god, in all gods, all faiths, all religions. i used to wear many symbols of god around my neck, in school. but somewhere it took my fancy to not believe so blindly. and further down, i thought it 'safe' to say, "i don't disbelieve, but i'm not sure i believe either." i feel tired of that resistance now. i believe, and believing does me good, in ways that i can understand and appreciate. i want god to play in my bloodstream thus. i am certain.
8. i like the part about prayer being a relationship, and half the job being mine. i've often found myself in the trap of saying "you know what i want, god". but i agree now that it's not enough. do i know? and if i don't, then what can guide me to that destination? so i have to do that part of my job - to think deeply about where i am and where i am headed. somewhere, the crystallization of these goals does half the work of bringing me to them. again, if one believes.
9. instinct can be cultivated, as swami vivekananda said. but the process of cultivation takes work. like the acquisition of any other skill. and in that process, one needs discipline. with regards to purification of the mind, all that is needed is positive reinforcement, and elimination of negativity. it should be an easy task, should it not? after all, are we not fundamentally drawn towards the good and the positive in life? most of the time, but not always. when our mind is overactive and the fears/the ego play up, it becomes harder to control negativity/regression. but conquering these forces is a major step towards success. and soon enough, positivity becomes instinctual. a little endurance is required, that is all :).
   
10. this realization took a long time coming for me - that god dwells within us, as us. it matters not what our personality, our likes/dislikes, our ways of living, etc. are. what matters is what lies within. and in fact, i'd go so far to say that one need not worry about outward appearances at all. it is best to simply let go and allow the inner self to manifest. if our focus is in the right place, all else falls in line.
11. i was touched by the giving-ness this sentence exuded. while i have felt thus towards people that i love dearly, to feel it for people who are, at best, strangers to you is a different thing altogether.
12. i hope to one day feel this in entirety.
13. i love these changes. indeed, their effect is uplifting. it is like being reborn, without having to make the effort to re-carve out a life from scratch. everything is new, past impressions fade into oblivion, the old life just doesn't feel relevant anymore.
14. sometimes i think what a beautiful thing this is - the ability to smile. it connects two strangers and makes them friends in a second. it is all there need be to communicate, sometimes. it is a form of expression so universally acceptable, transcending all boundaries of language, color, creed. if you're reading this, do take this moment to smile.
15. these thoughts echo within. indeed, as i take a day off from school, with much work piled up, errands to run, food to cook, etc. there is an overwhelming sense of peace. and indeed - i don't mind this... i don't mind anything these days.
16. intelligence, friendship, strength, and poetry :). how apt. i am happy to devote my life to the cultivation of these and nothing more.
17. a asked me if i felt all these things. i said yes. she called me a liar because i didn't go anywhere on my bicycle :). it's true, i'm not in indonesia. but yes, the balance exists. it sneaked in while i was sleeping, i think. and hey, berkeley is quite as beautiful. especially when it rains like this everyday :).
18. happiness is the virtue of this month, and this quote sums it up perfectly. it is indeed a constant process, and one must never be a smug mug about it.
    
19. i like the insurance idea. i like the practice of diligent joy. i like that she acknowledges that joy and happiness take work. i like :).
20. this is a nice way to tie in our own happiness with that of others. and building in service to others into our own practice can't hurt, right? after all, it is the motive behind our efforts that matters. i feel that anything we can do for the happiness of others is meaningful. if just by making ourselves happy, we can work towards that goal, what could possibly be better?
21. this was one of the sentences that wowed me, because it spoke exactly to my current state of mind. my stay in india was different from hers, true, but like her, i too found in india what i was looking for. when i'll be 'cooled down', i don't yet know, but it won't be too much longer, i can tell :).
22. i have known only angels in my life. is it a matter of perspective?
    
23. there's already a post on this below :).
24. i know there is a 'me' waiting for me, as there is for all of us. i liked the "grow! change! evolve!". there is an already-existent oak waiting for us. believe, and the rest will follow.
25. and no matter where we are, which old phase of life, time it is - to cross over.
    

the acorn and the oak tree

after considerable thought, the excerpt that really left most impact is the following:

My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well - the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.

we go through life, taking it as it comes. there is barely time, most times, to step back and think "where am i coming from?", "where am i going?", "do i really want to be here? and there?". thoughts like these wander in the background, aching to make their presence felt. but life, as it will, continues to ignore. and one way or another, if we're so fortunate, we find ourselves face to face with our present reality. the road we're on, we realize, doesn't go where we want it to. the truth is waiting. something's got to go...

i am at that place, if ever so briefly, where i can dare to say "this is who i wish to be". this is the "future tree" of the seedling i am now. it matters no more how i will get there and how long it will take. the start and the end are clearly visible; all else will follow.

eat pray love

friday evening, i received a call from a telling me to read this book. saturday afternoon, i went out and bought it at kepler's. until noon today, i ate, prayed, and loved this book. and now, i am finally done. it may not be the best book i've ever read (it still may), but i definitely understand the place the author came from, and many of her lessons learned resonated within. the book is about her journey through italy, india, and indonesia - representative of her inner evolution as she transitions from her worldly ties to a spiritual awakening, and then effects a balance between the two. if you've been reading my blog, you know. i'm going to include some excerpts here to remind myself of what i took away from this read.

When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.

Oh, Lord - responsibility. That word worked on me until I worked on it, until I looked at it carefully and broke it down into the two words that make its true definition: the ability to respond.

"This is perfect, that is perfect, if you take the perfect from the perfect, the perfect remains."

[A conversation between her and her mind.]
Me: OK, we're going to meditate now. Let's draw our attention to our breath and focus on the mantra. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shiv-
Mind: I can help you out with this, you know!
Me: OK, good, because I need your help. Let's go. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shi-
Mind: I can help you think of nice meditative images. Like - hey, here's a good one. Imagine you are a temple. A temple on an island! And the island is in the ocean!
Me: Oh that is a nice image.
Mind: Thanks. I thought of it myself.
Me: But what ocean are we picturing here?
Mind: The Mediterranean. Imagine you're one of those Greek islands, with an old Greek temple on it. No, never mind, that's too touristy. You know what? Forget the ocean. Oceans are too dangerous. Here's a better idea - imagine you're an island in a lake, instead.
Me: Can we meditate now, please? Om Namah Shiv-
Mind: Yes! Definitely! But try not to picture that the lake is covered with ... what are those things called-
Me: Jet Skis?
Mind: Yes! Jet Skis! Those things consume so much fuel! They're really a menace to the environment. Do you know what else uses a lot of fuel? Leaf blowers. You wouldn't think so, but-
[and so it continues...]

So I did it. In stillness, I watched myself get eaten by mosquitoes. To be honest, part of me was wondering what this little macho experiment was meant to prove, but another part of me well knew - it was a beginner's attempt at self-mastery. If I could sit through this nonlethal physical discomfort, then what other discomforts might I someday be able to sit through? What about emotional discomforts, which are even harder for me to endure? What about jealousy, anger, fear, disappointment, loneliness, shame, boredom? [...] When it was all over, I stood up, walked to my room and assessed the damage. I counted about twenty mosquito bites. But within half an hour, all the bites had diminished. It all goes away. Eventually, everything goes away.

I'm not interested in the insurance industry. I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.

Of course God already knows what I need. The question is - do I know? Casting yourself at God's feet in helpless desperation is all well and good - heaven knows, I've done it myself plenty of times - but ultimately you're more likely to get more out of the experience if you can take some action on your end. [...] Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention.

I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts - all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways - you may not come here anymore, either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind - otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came. That is my mission, and it will never end.

God dwells within you, as you. If there is one holy truth of this Yoga, that line encapsulates it. God dwells within you as you yourself, exactly the way you are. God isn't interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves. We all seem to get this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of character, that we have to renounce our individuality. This is a classic example of what they call in the East "wrong-thinking." Swamiji used to say that every day renunciants find something new to renounce, but it is usually depression, not peace, that they attain. Constantly he was teaching that austerity and renunciation - just for their own sake - are not what you need. To know God, you need only to renounce one thing - your sense of division from God. Otherwise, just stay as you were made, within your natural character.

Please give these wonderful people any blessings you might have originally set aside for me.

You may return here once you have fully come to understand that you are always here.

...my friends say that the changes appear only later. You may find that lifelong obsessions are gone, or that nasty, indissoluble patterns have finally shifted. Petty irritations that once maddened you are no longer problems, whereas abysmal old miseries you once endured out of habit will no longer be tolerated now for even five minutes. Poisonous relationships get aired out or disposed of, and brighter, more beneficial people start arriving into your world.

"Why they always look so serious in Yoga? You make serious face like this, you scare away good energy. To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver."

Oddly I don't mind this. I don't mind anything these days. I can't imagine or remember discontent.

The Four Brothers Meditation: The child is taught from earliest consciousness that she has these four brothers with her in the world wherever she goes, and that they will always look after her. The brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength and (I love this one) poetry. The brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance. When you die, your four spirit brothers collect your soul and bring you to heaven.

The task in Indonesia was to search for balance, but I don't feel like I'm searching for anything right now because the balance has somehow naturally come into place. It's not that I'm becoming Balinese but only this - I can feel my own peace, and I love the swing of my days between easeful devotional practices and the pleasures of beautiful landscape, dear friends, and good food. I've been praying a lot lately, comfortably, and frequently. Most of the time, I find that I want to pray when I'm on my bicycle, riding home from Ketut's house through the monkey forest and rice terraces in the dusky late afternoons. I pray, of course, not to be hit by another bus, or jumped by a monkey or bit by a dog, but that's just superfluous; most of my prayers are expressions of sheer gratitude for the fullness of my contentment. I have never felt less burdened by myself or by the world.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.

... I keep making my prayers that are really vows, presenting my state of harmony to God and saying, "This is what I would like to hold on to. Please help me memorize this feeling of contentment and help me always support it." I'm putting this happiness in a bank somewhere, not merely FDIC protected but guarded by my four spirit brothers, held there as insurance against future trials in life. This is a practice I've come to call "Diligent Joy."

... all the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people. Not only in the big global Hitler-'n'-Stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level. Even in my own life, I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me. The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself, but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.

... That some vital transformation is happening in my life, and this transformation needs time and room in order to finish its process undisturbed. That basically, I'm the cake that just came out of the oven, and it still needs some more time to cool before it can be frosted.

He [Saint Anthony] said, in his solitude, he sometimes encountered devils who looked like angels, and other times, he found angels who looked like devils. When asked how he could tell the difference, the saint said that you can only tell which is which by the way you feel after the creature has left your company. If you are appalled, he said, then it was a devil who had visited you. If you feel lightened, it was an angel.

My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well - the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.

I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wondered if it was me - I mean, this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the deck of this small Indonesian fishing boat - who pulled the other, younger, confused and more struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time: "Yes - grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!" And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago over that young sobbing girl on the bathroom floor, and maybe it was this me who whispered lovingly into that desperate girl's ear, "Go back to bed, Liz..." Knowing already that everything would be OK, that everything would eventually bring us together here. Right here, right to this moment. Where I was always waiting in peace and contentment, always waiting for her to arrive and join me.

I say: "Attraversiamo."
Let's cross over.

the old and the new

the 'back in berkeley' feeling is here again, after a lovely and eventful weekend down south. it is hard to believe that this was a weekend and not a full-fledged vacation, in that there was time enough to stop and smell the flowers :). i am quite eager to get back to my reading, so i shall quickly list the high points and bid adieu.

• friday morning's colloquium brought l back into my life. it was a pleasure to see him again, to hear him speak so well of my advisor, and to have him express his joy at my good fortune thus. after a quick lunch at home, i left for
  
• stanford. the drive was lovely and i got there at 2 something. met my old (perhaps not so old, but) trusted friend b, and enjoyed bright sun and a heavy downpour with him within a span of 30 minutes! the conversation was all too stimulating, as we discussed india, the u.s., equal opportunity, and my favorite subject - photography. went on to
  
• meet a after months of finding ourselves in online conversation alone. as i treaded the roads of palo alto, i found that we (the roads and i) were strangers once again. there began pleasant introductions, and a new relationship has come to blossom. coupa cafe is so lovely. and as the raindrops fell upon the skylight, i found myself only too grateful for the weather. a proceeded to invite me over for maggi and chai, and lovely conversation came along with. in rainy weather, what could beat that? the day continued to delight
  
• at a's place with n and c. conversation went all over, and was joyful as expected. it was another of those evenings that leaves the mind intensely stimulated, offering much potential for growth i have only begun to tap into. the evening brought much merry laughter and the love of good friends. also presents i feel blessed to receive, not all material. the next morning
  
• brought valentine's day, and truly - the spirit of love had found its way into my life ever so sneakily, while i was sleeping. i awoke to a charming breakfast of poha and coffee by a, then rushed to make my
  
• meeting with my lawyer, which went brilliantly. the weight of calm was so intense, even the thought and expectation of stress could not lift it from me. the meeting was met with honesty and presence of mind. words ceased to matter. i drove through the merry sunshine and
  
• back at a's, more conversation ensued; more thoughts were provoked; more questions found answers. we decided to venture out in the rain to the blissful cafe borrone. rain, coffee, italian food, conversation, and a table by the window. perfection indeed, to be followed by
  
• kepler's - another old but new experience. i was swept away by the magic of the books. have you ever thought of the treasure-trove of thoughts one can find in a bookstore? the blood, sweat, and tears of thousands of blessed souls find their way into our lives all in a flash. and they are never quite the same again. after a quick visit to the peabody art gallery, a and i
  
• went to see a and b, after two weeks, though it felt like ages. enjoyed the company of several others, and so it was until evening, when we went for madhavi, a play directed (brilliantly) by a friend. there is not enough that can be said about the play here, nor the evening which brought blessed sunshine through the rain, straight into my heart, making me realize that if i were to die today, my life would not be incomplete. dinner was
  
• at chaat paradise. old, old and yet so new. the sound of the rain made its way in, as
  
• i slept at a's for the night. it was still raining when i woke up at 5 and thanked the lord for the love he was filling all the cracks and crevices of my life with. it was still raining when i woke up at 8 something and began to ready myself for
  
• breakfast with b which was wonderful. indeed, it was a weekend of conversations to treasure. this was one such, as we overstayed our welcome at cafe brioche, talking for too long. we then walked up and down cal ave in the pouring rain with our umbrellas, reminding ourselves of the monsoons in india (if only it were warmer as well). many discoveries and soaked-clothing later, b dropped me off at a's, just in time to go to
• starbucks on stanford & el camino. here were spent many hours of interspersed reading and conversation. a and i sat and read the same book (well, two copies of it), although (perhaps thankfully) we weren't on the same page. i felt no hesitation interrupting her reading over, and over again. she did quite the same back to me, reassuringly :). it was time to leave just as we discussed our views on capital punishment. the discussion continued
  
• at home, until we departed for berkeley. oh, the pouring rain! my poor wipers, and my poor eyes. but we reached berkeley safe and sound, despite the limited visibility. we headed straight to
  
• jupiter's - my favorite pub, though i don't drink. it has just so much berkeley spirit in it, one could bypass the campus altogether. tea, pizza, and more conversation followed. the meal was long, the rain went on, and we moved ourselves over to
• shattuck cinemas, to watch the oscar live action shorts. the theatre was lovely and abundantly 'encushioned' (if only my back would cease to ache, groan) and i found complete bliss in sleeping through the last short. i did pay complete attention to the other four and am rooting for spielzeugland (though admittedly it is yet another holocaust story). and now, i am finally
  
• home. after the roller-coaster weekend that found my mind in a stillness more constant, more penetrating than ever before. switching gears isn't trivial, but acceptance does the trick. and now i lay me down to
• sleep, as i pray the lord my soul to keep :).
  

grooks

poetry isn't about the lines but that which lies between, and thus is ever so captivating. poetry and i lose each other from time to time, only to rediscover our evolved selves. and there, between the lines, life happens.

here are some of the grooks i enjoyed, to give you a thirst for more. (thank you for sharing the treasure, b.)

THE ROAD TO WISDOM

The road to wisdom? -- Well, it's plain
and simple to express:
          Err
          and err
          and err again
          but less
          and less
          and less.

DEAD REASONABLE
"... that reason died last night at eleven." - Henrik Ibsen: "Peer Gynt"

Sombody said
that Reason was dead.
Reason said: No,
I think not so.

LOOK AND THOU SHALT FIND

Foes
of what's cooking
see no worth behind it.
Those
that are looking
for nothing - will find it.

WHAT ARE YOU?

The way to grow grand
  is not: to demand
In life's every field
  you are what you yield.

and here's the more.

day-making news

is that a dear friend, but first a dedicated and accomplished student, was just admitted into the program of his choice. it happens also to be the alma mater of self :). i am reminded of days i was struggling to say yes to writing a recommendation letter for him last semester. a lowly graduate student, how could i possibly contribute positively to his application? i remember also coming to peace with the thought that asking me was up to him, and responding faithfully to that request was up to me. i did my best to be objective, truthful, and sincere in my recommendation letter. so now that he's in, it feels like one of those meant-to-be situations :). and it feels rather good! and no, i take no credit for getting him in at all. it is fulfilling to have been an honest instrument towards the benefit of a deserving soul. as best i see it, of course.

acceptance

there is a quaint little shop on bancroft way called avant card, where i have discovered several treasures in the past. i discovered this little rilke treasure there yesterday:

i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

it speaks to my self-embraced lesson for the week - acceptance (and/or surrender, depending on how you look at it). the more i think about it, the more i find it fits into my earlier post on the proof of mindfulness equalling detachment. i now add acceptance into the equation, and it feels like a great achievement :).

what does it mean to 'accept' - in all situations, at all times? this question has taken me all over the place. as i see it, to accept means to take whatever comes my way with gracious, well, acceptance. to acknowledge that this is how it is. to see things 'as they are'. to not wish for change, or not wish for no change - as the case may be. to look around myself and drink in my environment, the people, my interactions. to not wish for things to 'go away' or to 'come quickly'. to not look back to the past and wonder 'why' or 'why not'. to not look into the future and think 'i wish' or 'if only'....

when i accept my life the way it is, in this moment and these surroundings, with these people or those, i become one with the moment - i am mindful. there are no worries from the past, no concerns about the future. i am here. in the now. i am mindful.

when i'm not in full acceptance of my present, i want things to be different. i want a person or thing i do not have right now, perhaps. or i want to remove elements from the now. my thoughts are elsewhere, they are not here. then how can i be mindful?

was the proof that simple? so a good way to achieve mindfulness and detachment then, is to humbly, calmly, graciously accept everything as it is. here i am, in the musical offering, having finished my lapsang souchong, seated on a long table with two others who work on their respective laptops. the cafe fills with the chatter of its customers, and lovely music fills the air with happiness. people sit in solitude as they study/work. people sit with friends and share a cup of coffee and scones. the windows and the high ceiling let in buckets of sunshine. the door opens and closes every 20 seconds as someone comes in, someone leaves. in this moment, there is life, if i choose to accept it. in this moment, there is pain, if i choose not to. which is the path of peace? can you tell? i think i can.