it's beautiful when it rains

and one is indoors with no commitments to step out for the day. not that i don't have school or several other things i could be gainfully employed in at present, but my back complains and i surrender for its recovery. the good part of it is that i don't know if i've ever spent such a peace-filled sick day at home :). this morning (a rather extended morning) was spent drifting in and out of sleep. moments of consciousness were spent in meditation, peaceful contemplation, and articulation of prayer. and the raindrops falling on my window sill played their part.

i'm still reflecting on eat pray love, especially the excerpts i posted yesterday. since i am home with little to do, i shall attempt to articulate these reflections now. i'm numbering them from 1 to 25, thus referencing the 25 excerpts i just posted.

1. i've been in that state of not knowing from where (or if) the sun rose anymore. i would not wish that darkness on anyone, and yet - should you find yourself there, believe that it is god's greatest blessing. destruction is brought about for life to recreate itself afresh. the time it takes for regeneration is immaterial then. when one reaches the light, the bliss is immeasurable. it's like the hours of loneliness you feel when your friends have forgotten to wish you on your birthday, only to be given the biggest surprise party of your life!
   
2. societal norms/pressures have their role to play perhaps, but i remember a time when alone-ness seemed but a state of transience. but it is only a matter of getting to the "why?" question. while there are and always will be (touch wood) people to love us and take care of us, they cannot enter into us and lead us to our destiny. we have to make that effort on our own, alone, and perhaps that seems like a lot of work to begin with. but eventually we find that it is the only source of true peace - to know what lies within, to know who we truly are. and then again, when we are willing to subject so many others to our friendship, is it not hypocrisy to shy ourselves away from the same?
3. the ability to respond. i read somewhere recently that the questions of our existence find their answers in that space between a stimulus and a response. the quality of this response, when well-considered and inspired by our inner voice, determines who we are and who we become. spiritual growth then, as i see it, is all about honing that ability.
4. how perfect :). this shloka segment reinforces that state we are to strive for. indeed, i believe, if we repeated just this line to ourselves 700 times daily, life would transform itself into perfection itself.
5. the conversation between the author and her mind is along the lines of the conversations i have with my mind daily. it is amusing, and should you perceive it so - ever so endearing, to see how the mind wishes to pull itself away all the time. i remember reading somewhere about the fickle nature of the mind, and the ways in which to treat it so it may be tamed. i like to treat it as a mother treats her playful child, gently pulling it away from its myriad trains of thought. i feel the relationship between the mind and the intellect is thus enhanced, built on a foundation of loving kindness. this relationship, of course, is one between myself and myself, to get to myself :). right.
   
6. i loved this part. there is enough said about renouncing and not renouncing, about buddha's discoveries on the futility of self-mortification, etc. but truly, i do not have buddha's confidence :). to build that confidence within, it has helped to take turns weaning myself off all those worldly engagements i believe i could not live without - "a beginner's attempt at self-mastery" indeed. and slowly, the power to endure does build itself. "eventually, everything goes away", so what is the point of crying out of pain while it lasts? mosquitoes may be avoided, certainly, but there are other life mosquitoes that aren't quite in our control. gradually, by building the endurance, we learn to accept everything life brings us with a smile.
7. "i want god to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." how poetic and beautiful. i could not have said it better in a million attempts. i started with being a blind believer in god, in all gods, all faiths, all religions. i used to wear many symbols of god around my neck, in school. but somewhere it took my fancy to not believe so blindly. and further down, i thought it 'safe' to say, "i don't disbelieve, but i'm not sure i believe either." i feel tired of that resistance now. i believe, and believing does me good, in ways that i can understand and appreciate. i want god to play in my bloodstream thus. i am certain.
8. i like the part about prayer being a relationship, and half the job being mine. i've often found myself in the trap of saying "you know what i want, god". but i agree now that it's not enough. do i know? and if i don't, then what can guide me to that destination? so i have to do that part of my job - to think deeply about where i am and where i am headed. somewhere, the crystallization of these goals does half the work of bringing me to them. again, if one believes.
9. instinct can be cultivated, as swami vivekananda said. but the process of cultivation takes work. like the acquisition of any other skill. and in that process, one needs discipline. with regards to purification of the mind, all that is needed is positive reinforcement, and elimination of negativity. it should be an easy task, should it not? after all, are we not fundamentally drawn towards the good and the positive in life? most of the time, but not always. when our mind is overactive and the fears/the ego play up, it becomes harder to control negativity/regression. but conquering these forces is a major step towards success. and soon enough, positivity becomes instinctual. a little endurance is required, that is all :).
   
10. this realization took a long time coming for me - that god dwells within us, as us. it matters not what our personality, our likes/dislikes, our ways of living, etc. are. what matters is what lies within. and in fact, i'd go so far to say that one need not worry about outward appearances at all. it is best to simply let go and allow the inner self to manifest. if our focus is in the right place, all else falls in line.
11. i was touched by the giving-ness this sentence exuded. while i have felt thus towards people that i love dearly, to feel it for people who are, at best, strangers to you is a different thing altogether.
12. i hope to one day feel this in entirety.
13. i love these changes. indeed, their effect is uplifting. it is like being reborn, without having to make the effort to re-carve out a life from scratch. everything is new, past impressions fade into oblivion, the old life just doesn't feel relevant anymore.
14. sometimes i think what a beautiful thing this is - the ability to smile. it connects two strangers and makes them friends in a second. it is all there need be to communicate, sometimes. it is a form of expression so universally acceptable, transcending all boundaries of language, color, creed. if you're reading this, do take this moment to smile.
15. these thoughts echo within. indeed, as i take a day off from school, with much work piled up, errands to run, food to cook, etc. there is an overwhelming sense of peace. and indeed - i don't mind this... i don't mind anything these days.
16. intelligence, friendship, strength, and poetry :). how apt. i am happy to devote my life to the cultivation of these and nothing more.
17. a asked me if i felt all these things. i said yes. she called me a liar because i didn't go anywhere on my bicycle :). it's true, i'm not in indonesia. but yes, the balance exists. it sneaked in while i was sleeping, i think. and hey, berkeley is quite as beautiful. especially when it rains like this everyday :).
18. happiness is the virtue of this month, and this quote sums it up perfectly. it is indeed a constant process, and one must never be a smug mug about it.
    
19. i like the insurance idea. i like the practice of diligent joy. i like that she acknowledges that joy and happiness take work. i like :).
20. this is a nice way to tie in our own happiness with that of others. and building in service to others into our own practice can't hurt, right? after all, it is the motive behind our efforts that matters. i feel that anything we can do for the happiness of others is meaningful. if just by making ourselves happy, we can work towards that goal, what could possibly be better?
21. this was one of the sentences that wowed me, because it spoke exactly to my current state of mind. my stay in india was different from hers, true, but like her, i too found in india what i was looking for. when i'll be 'cooled down', i don't yet know, but it won't be too much longer, i can tell :).
22. i have known only angels in my life. is it a matter of perspective?
    
23. there's already a post on this below :).
24. i know there is a 'me' waiting for me, as there is for all of us. i liked the "grow! change! evolve!". there is an already-existent oak waiting for us. believe, and the rest will follow.
25. and no matter where we are, which old phase of life, time it is - to cross over.