tying up the loose ends
a friend messaged me today saying, "you're not really going to die tomorrow, are you?" chances are i'm not. chances are i'm going to stick around for at least another week. and i may not even be so fortunate to know that i have one more week to go when i do have just one more week to go. but chances are that even if i do know, i won't want to spend that one week tying up the loose ends.
what are these loose ends? the list of to-dos that gets longer all the time, the unresolved threads of my existence i wish i had resolved years ago, the graceful resolutions that i have postponed indefinitely. due, in large part if not wholly, to the ego. so do i give an example, or do i let my ego get in the way and protect myself from embarrassment? an example would be good, it appears, and the ego could do with a little subversion.
not too long ago, i was a student of hindustani classical music. circumstances arose, demanding that i discontinue lessons. at first, i postponed informing my guru because i was looking for the right way (read 'being lazy' really) to tell him. and then i postponed because i had already postponed for so long. this is depressing and disgraceful behavior. and as a result, whenever there was a chance of my running into him or one of his disciples, i'd have palpitations (never with reason though). instead of an hour of difficult (but straight-forward and honest) conversation, i had chosen for myself more than a year of guilt and palpitations. incredible, is it not?
like this one (now en route to resolution, thank heavens), there are several other fears that need to be conquered. after all, if love and fear are the only substances the heart is made of, then this heart's mission is to transform every fear to love by way of peace. so that love is all there is. i do believe it is the only way to live. life is too short otherwise.
and if i were to attempt a definition of 'fear' - it would include every craving and aversion that we allow ourselves to form an attachment towards. obsession with ice cream, aversion to filling forms, craving for sunshine, dislike for eggplant - are all fears that have sneaked into my existence at some point of life and been resolved in due course of time. but there are many others - some resolved, but uncountably many that await resolution. these lasting fears and ceaseless guilt i am no longer able to suffer. i want them to dissolve, evaporate, do the disappearing act. i want to tie up these loose ends. so that tomorrow, if i were to die, all would be well with the world (from my field of vision, of course).
fear makes little sense. but when the fear is transformed to love, and the heart is filled to the brim, that love makes sense. life is tough, and i'm left without a choice than to just do it!
what are these loose ends? the list of to-dos that gets longer all the time, the unresolved threads of my existence i wish i had resolved years ago, the graceful resolutions that i have postponed indefinitely. due, in large part if not wholly, to the ego. so do i give an example, or do i let my ego get in the way and protect myself from embarrassment? an example would be good, it appears, and the ego could do with a little subversion.
not too long ago, i was a student of hindustani classical music. circumstances arose, demanding that i discontinue lessons. at first, i postponed informing my guru because i was looking for the right way (read 'being lazy' really) to tell him. and then i postponed because i had already postponed for so long. this is depressing and disgraceful behavior. and as a result, whenever there was a chance of my running into him or one of his disciples, i'd have palpitations (never with reason though). instead of an hour of difficult (but straight-forward and honest) conversation, i had chosen for myself more than a year of guilt and palpitations. incredible, is it not?
like this one (now en route to resolution, thank heavens), there are several other fears that need to be conquered. after all, if love and fear are the only substances the heart is made of, then this heart's mission is to transform every fear to love by way of peace. so that love is all there is. i do believe it is the only way to live. life is too short otherwise.
and if i were to attempt a definition of 'fear' - it would include every craving and aversion that we allow ourselves to form an attachment towards. obsession with ice cream, aversion to filling forms, craving for sunshine, dislike for eggplant - are all fears that have sneaked into my existence at some point of life and been resolved in due course of time. but there are many others - some resolved, but uncountably many that await resolution. these lasting fears and ceaseless guilt i am no longer able to suffer. i want them to dissolve, evaporate, do the disappearing act. i want to tie up these loose ends. so that tomorrow, if i were to die, all would be well with the world (from my field of vision, of course).
fear makes little sense. but when the fear is transformed to love, and the heart is filled to the brim, that love makes sense. life is tough, and i'm left without a choice than to just do it!
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