on being tested

while talking to a friend friday evening, i shared with her my experience of the four i's. she asked me if i was being tested in that hour. was it not worthwhile to experience them if i wasn't being tested, i wondered? that was my mind thinking. at first, i didn't think i had been tested. then my mind conjured up tests it thought i was experiencing outside of that moment, deciding that i was being tested after all (and that it was all good).

well, whatever. that was an instance of the garbage my mind magnanimously generates sometimes. here's a more honest attempt to analyze:

first, experiencing the four i's in any moment is of immense value. it is hard and it is an achievement. if there is but a second in a day that we can find ourselves brimming with love, compassion, joy, and equanimity toward the world, it is a precious, precious moment. savor it. make it last. as long as possible. period. don't ask yourself whether it is an achievement or not, whether you're being tested or not... or whether you're good enough or not, strong enough or not, worthy enough or not, making enough progress or not... it's the mind that wonders these things. drop it.

second, if we do experience the four i's, by definition there can be no test. nor can there be any pain. in that moment, we are pain-free, attachment free; indeed we are alive! we create a positive energy field around us and feel ourselves radiate this energy outward, affecting others positively as well. our inner consciousness finds its way out through the cracks and we shine.

third, and this holds regardless - if our mind chooses to feel tested it will, unless we forcefully block its way. sometimes this is hard, sometimes this is harder, but anytime the mind has its way, it will put us to the test. we have to stop it from exercising this power. in fact, we have to stop it from assuming this power in the first place. at first, this task will seem monumental, but gradually, as the walls fall and our inner consciousness acquires greater strength, it will find greater success in defeating the 'monkey mind' (as natalie goldberg calls it). to allow our inner consciousness a moment to breathe, a moment to be, there is a leap we have to make. our mind will do everything it can to stop us (and so the tests will sometimes seem grave and serious), but once the leap is made, it is made. everything pales in comparison to the moment of liberation, if fleeting.

ultimately, we must realize that on most occasions that we feel 'tested', there is no real test. in the comfort of our homes, in a classroom, on a walk, while eating dinner, ask yourself if you are being tested. if the answer is no (as is more likely to be the case than not), then consciously tell yourself - "in this moment, there is no test". just that thought has often helped me make the necessary leap to peace and strength. short-lived, perhaps, but no longer as elusive.

so that leaves us with the non-peaceful occasions when the mind has won and we answer "in this moment, there is a test". given the infinite nature of time and the finitude of these occasions, they are not of significance. it suffices to tell ourselves that "this too will pass". easier said than done, but the sole truth, if there was one.