november

this was a month of love and thankfulness.

of reading and writing,
understanding and believing.
of increased knowledge,
and decreased ignorance.
of learning to let go,
but also to persist -
with strength, courage
and patience.
of duty as happiness,
and happiness as duty.
of peace
and devotion.
of looking within,
of looking beyond.
of speaking gently,
and listening deeply.
of learning to forgive
others and myself.

of smiling.
of shining.
of learning to live.

it was a month of giving love,
it was a month of giving thanks.

a bedtime prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

the power of self

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

on dharma

i had understood dharma to be that path of life necessary for one's spiritual advancement, which involves progress towards one's true self and the annihilation of individualistic pride. i now (very briefly) summarize the 'bottom-up' notion of dharma that the gita presents. i find it helps to think of dharma as the basic nature of an entity, its inherent path of duty. the dharma of a complex entity is then realized by the smooth intermingling of the dharma of each of its components. so:

the dharma of the mind is to think, to imagine, cogitate, accept, believe, value.

the dharma of the organs of perception is to imbibe the knowledge of sense objects.

the dharma of the intellect is to discern, comprehend, judge impartially, take decisions.

and the dharma of the jivatma then is to ensure that the mind, intellect and sense organs perform their dharma without hindrance and in perfect freedom so as to establish an equanimous intellect, enable the being to transcend individualistic confines, and allow the dharma of the individual to be realized, which is to be established in sat chit anand.

the gita

has been read in its entirety. it was a journey unlike any other, for i have learned much not just from the text on the pages, but also from the process of reading and digesting with persistence and in so many sittings. and yet, this is but the beginning of my sadhana. much remains to be understood, absorbed, assimilated and reflected in daily living. i will write more about my lessons from the gita in future, but today i leave you with the words of buddha:

I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill-health.
There is no way to escape having ill-health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love
are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground on which I stand.

a prayer for the day

In Sanskrit:

असतो मा सद्गमय |
तमसो मा ज्योतिर्गमय ||
मृत्योर् मा अमृतं गमय |
ॐ शांति शांति शांति ||

Transliteration:

Asato ma sadgamaya
Tamaso ma jyotirgamaya
Mrityorma amritamgamaya
Om shanti shanti shanti!

Translation:

Lead me from the Unreal to Real,
Lead me from Darkness to Light,
Lead me from Death to Immortality,
Oh Almighty! May there be Peace! Peace! Peace!

[Brihdaranyaka Upanisada 1:3:27]

medhavi

i will soon find myself at the culmination of my 1252 page journey through the gita. with today's reading, my mind dwells on the medhavi, as discussed in the translation of shloka 10 of the final chapter. the shloka literally translates as follows:

He who does not shun actions that are unpropitious and who is not excessively attached to actions that are propitious, that Medhavi, endowed with the qualities of sattva and devoid of doubt, is a renunciate.

the discussion of this shloka (in the translation i read) establishes the distinction between bhavana and medhavi, that i find particularly powerful. i document my understanding here:

bhavana is the faculty of argumentation that finds form in one's thoughts and imagination. with the aid of various illusory principles and convoluted thought processes, it finds a way to rationalize all conduct. by drawing the mind into a self-propelling descent, it attempts to prove adharma as dharma. indeed, it has limitless potential for deceit within and without.

now, if this same energy takes up the task of establishing the truth, and establishing itself in the truth, it becomes medhavi. medhavi possesses the same qualities as bhavana, except that it employs its methods to steep itself in the truth. while bhavana clouds the individual's understanding and perception, entering him/her into a web of lies, medhavi elucidates this very understanding of truth through sound reasoning and argumentation. with its diplomatic strength, it wins over the mind and infuses it with purity. with its humility, it is able to raise its voice against itself.

the non-dualistic relationship between bhavana and medhavi intrigues me in particular. one may not exist without the other, and that is key. there is not a multitude of energies that circulate within us; there is one energy - ever fluid, ever transforming. the sadhak has merely to understand this fluidity and how he/she may direct it to acquire greater knowledge.

a story

i'd like to share a story with you. make of it what you will.

several years ago, there was a guy i had bumped into at an asha meeting - a graduate student at berkeley, and more i shall not reveal. i was coordinating the berkeley chapter in those days, and found his emails to the list mostly uncalled for. shortly after, he spammed the asha list with an email that i then thought bizarre and unacceptable for tone and content (details omitted). most others thought so as well, accompanying me in expressing harsh, unforgiving criticism. the incident is long forgotten for most, i imagine. my mind has somehow dwelled on it in recent days. the incidents that stick out in our lives are often worth revisiting iteratively. with time and added wisdom, they offer a refreshing insight each time.

i don't know the details of what he did all these years and what he does now, but this unfortunate student was sent back to india shortly after he sent this mail i mention. there he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. the next few years, i recall hearing, were hard for him. about a year ago, he added me to his facebook list of friends. we haven't communicated directly, not that we'd ever shared a one-on-one interaction really, but today i had the chance to visit his personal blog (due - in fact - to the tragic turn of events in mumbai). and i was stunned.

not least because he openly acknowledged his battles with bipolar disorder. the insight and wisdom in his written thoughts was so immense. not only had he learned much from the lessons life had taught him, but here he was recording them, sharing them with the world so that others could learn from them as well. can a man's heart get any larger?

i am ashamed that i was ever so harshly critical of him. ashamed that i was too wary to add him as a facebook friend. ashamed that i was so quick to write off another human being, and one from whom i had so much to learn today. why does forgiveness come so hard to us sometimes? so the 'i' may find its fodder to declare itself superior? sigh.

and it was!

the virtues of this month are love and thankfulness. i am thankful today, for love.

i just got home from a heartwarming thanksgiving dinner with friends and family. indeed, i had not expected so lovely an evening (though i don't believe i expected anything in particular), and found considerable joy in seeing both new faces and old. there was excellent food (that i did expect), excellent singing, and an excellent game of taboo :). more than anything, i feel blessed to be surrounded by limitless love, from near and far. and so, today, i ask you god - grant me the strength to allow this same love to travel through me - uncorrupted - to all those around. may it remain so strong and so pure that it succeed in transforming the fiercest fear into lasting love.

this poem comes again to mind. thank you, cummings!

happy thanksgiving!

this is a day to give thanks, and amidst the terror and rage, let us not forget that good never ceases to exist. i thank the lord for this good that inspires greater good, dispels darkness and brings us to light. i'm reminded of a hymn i used to sing in younger days, when i was in kindergarten. the happy words (of cecil alexander) would fill my heart with joy then, just as they do today. i share them with you in the hope of multiplying that same joy:

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The good Lord made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colors,
He made their tiny wings.

The rich man in his castle,
The poor man at his gate,
He made them, high or lowly,
And ordered their estate.

The purple headed mountains,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning
That brightens up the sky.

The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.

The tall trees in the greenwood,
The meadows where we play,
The rushes by the water,
To gather every day.

He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well.

the problem of evil

after yesterday's attacks (that continue to cause suffering today), i re-read the problem of evil - chapter 3 of sadhana. there are several excerpts i'd like to record that help me conceive of this problem of evil, reinforcing at the same time the eventuality of goodness. i italicize the highlights of these excerpts (as i see them).

Is imperfection the final truth, is evil absolute and ultimate? The river has its boundaries, its banks, but is a river all banks? Or are the banks the final facts about the river? Do not these obstructions themselves give its water an onward motion? The towing rope binds a boat, but is the bondage its meaning? Does it not at the same time draw the boat forward?

The wonder is not that there should be obstacles and sufferings in this world, but that there should be law and order, beauty and joy, goodness and love. ... In fact, imperfection is not a negation of perfectness; finitude is not contradictory to infinity: they are but completeness manifested in parts, infinity revealed within bounds.

To go through the history of the development of science is to go through the maze of mistakes it made current at different times. Yet no one really believes that science is the one perfect mode of disseminating mistakes. The progressive ascertainment of truth is the important thing to remember in the history of science, not its innumerable mistakes. Error, by its nature, cannot be stationary...

... death is not the ultimate reality. It looks black, as the sky looks blue; but it does not blacken existence, just as the sky does not leave its stain upon the wings of the bird.

... our life is facing the infinite, and it is in movement. Its aspiration is therefore infinitely more than its achievement, and as it goes on it finds that no realisation of truth ever leaves it stranded on the desert of finality, but carries it to a region beyond. Evil cannot altogether arrest the course of life on the highway and rob it of its possessions. For the evil has to pass on, it has to grow into good; it cannot stand and give battle to the All.

As it is, man does not really believe in evil, just as he cannot believe that violin strings have been purposely made to create the exquisite torture of discordant notes, though by the aid of statistics it can be mathematically proved that the probability of discord is far greater than that of harmony, and for one who can play the violin there are thousands who cannot. The potentiality of perfection outweighs actual contradictions.

For we feel that good is the positive element in man's nature, and in every age and every clime what man values most is his ideals of goodness. We have known the good, we have loved it, and we have paid our highest reverence to men who have shown in their lives what goodness is.

For will is the supreme wish of the larger life, the life whose greater portion is out of our present reach, most of whose objects are not before our sight. Then comes the conflict of our lesser man with our greater man, of our wishes with our will, of the desire for things affecting our senses with the purpose that is within our heart. Then we begin to distinguish between what we immediately desire and what is good. For good is that which is desirable for our greater self.

This moral sense of man not only gives him the power to see that the self has a continuity in time, but it also enables him to see that he is not true when he is only restricted to his own self. He is more in truth than he is in fact. He truly belongs to individuals who are not included in his own individuality, and whom he is never even likely to know.

So in order to claim the aid of truth, selfishness has to be unselfish to some extent. A band of robbers must be moral in order to hold together as a band; they may rob the whole world but not each other. To make an immoral intention successful, some of its weapons must be moral.

And the teaching of Buddha is to cultivate this moral power to the highest extent, to know that our field of activities is not bound to the plane of our narrow self. This is the vision of the heavenly kingdom of Christ. When we attain to that universal life, which is the moral life, we become freed from the bonds of pleasure and pain, and the place vacated by our self becomes filled with an unspeakable joy which springs from measureless love. In this state the soul's activity is all the more heightened, only its motive power is not from desires, but in its own joy. This is the Karma Yoga of the Gita, the way to become one with the infinite activity by the exercise of the activity of disinterested goodness.

So, if it is a truth that the yearning of our nature is for reality, and that our personality cannot be happy with a fantastic universe of its own creation, then it is clearly best for it that our will can only deal with things by following their law, and cannot do with them just as it pleases. This unyielding sureness of reality sometimes crosses our will, and very often leads us to disaster, just as the firmness of the earth invariably hurts the falling child who is learning to walk. ... Things are what they are, and we have to know them if we would deal with them, and knowledge of them is possible because our wish is not their law. This knowledge is a joy to us, for the knowledge is one of the channels of our relation with the things outside us; it is making them our own, and thus widening the limit of our self.

At every step we have to take into account others than ourselves. For only in death are we alone. A poet is a true poet when he can make his personal idea joyful to all men, which he could not do if he had not a medium common to all his audience. This common language has its own law which the poet must discover and follow, by doing which he becomes true and attains poetical immortality.

We are on our way to overcome disease and death, to conquer pain and poverty; for through scientific knowledge we are ever on our way to realise the universal in its physical aspect. And as we make progress we find that pain, disease, and poverty of power are not absolute, but that it is only the want of adjustment of our individual self to our universal self which gives rise to them.

The most important lesson that man can learn from his life is not that there is pain in this world, but that it depends upon him to turn it into good account, that it is possible for him to transmute it into joy. ... Man's freedom is never in being saved troubles, but it is the freedom to take trouble for his own good, to make the trouble an element in his joy.

It is only when we invoke the aid of pain for our self-gratification that she becomes evil and takes her vengeance for the insult done to her by hurling us into misery. For she is the vestal virgin consecrated to the service of the immortal perfection, and when she takes her true place before the altar of the infinite she casts off her dark veil and bares her face to the beholder as a revelation of supreme joy.

a prayer for the suffering

if prayer does indeed transcend physical distance, i extend an earnest prayer for the injured and their loved ones who suffer on account of the terrorist attacks in mumbai today. but also, dear lord, please shine your light on those who undergo far greater suffering - those who initiate these attacks on the innocent. and for the rest of us who grieve on account of this suffering, pray keep the spirit of hope alive.

facts vs. truth

divine coincidence or not, i find that all of my quests for greater clarity are (one way or another) addressed with surprising promptness. various trains of thought that seek greater depth find it one way or another, and every finding appears to add an iota of light within. as for the subject of this post, i've been meaning to record the quote below for a while, but had been unable to (re)locate it thus far. with all the reading i've been doing, it has (perhaps understandably) become a challenge to keep track of where which thought process was born. today i decided to re-read sadhana, and there it was - on the second page i read (though perhaps it would've been more exciting had it been the first page :)). here it is:

Facts are many, but the truth is one. The animal intelligence knows facts, the human mind has power to apprehend truth. The apple falls from the tree, the rain descends upon the earth--you can go on burdening your memory with such facts and never come to an end. But once you get hold of the law of gravitation you can dispense with the necessity of collecting facts ad infinitum. You have got at one truth which governs numberless facts. This discovery of truth is pure joy to man--it is a liberation of his mind. For, a mere fact is like a blind lane, it leads only to itself--it has no beyond. But a truth opens up a whole horizon, it leads us to the infinite. That is the reason why, when a man like Darwin discovers some simple general truth about Biology, it does not stop there, but like a lamp shedding its light far beyond the object for which it was lighted, it illumines the whole region of human life and thought, transcending its original purpose. Thus we find that truth, while investing all facts, is not a mere aggregate of facts--it surpasses them on all sides and points to the infinite reality.

a powerful expression, yes? it speaks to the repetition of posts that i wrote about yesterday. it also speaks to a thought process i had on my walk earlier today - how can life, in all its intricacies, be simplified? can it even? a friend had once said to me, "it is incredibly hard to keep life simple". at that point, i had disagreed with him, for i used to think that the people for whom life was simple simply did not choose to plunge into the reality of it, and the people who did could not possibly keep it simple anymore. at this point, i disagree with my own views then. true that there are many complexities to consider should one make an effort to comprehend 'life'. but perhaps these are the 'facts' that tie themselves together as we progress in our quest for 'truth'? perhaps life must get more complicated before it gets simple? indeed, it is incredibly hard to keep it simple. and yet, it is the only way....

retail. therapy?

i've had little desire to go shopping for a while now, but on ma's insistence, i went with her to the bay street mall. it was a great experience for all of the good music, pleasant ambience, 'fall' trees, and christmas spirit. i enjoyed it thoroughly (minus the illness which troubled me only toward the end). with every potential purchase i was amused to see how i carefully assessed my joy at the thought of acquiring it, and if i could put it aside just as well and feel no pain (thankfully, that was easy). i now own a few more things than i did before, but as my rule of sustainable consumerism goes, i now get to give away as many previously owned items.

i shall give thanks today then for having discovered a cute, little mall with everything one needs to have in a mall :). also convenient, easily exhaustible, and very cosy. i pray that you survive this economy, mall.

another wednesday

it's the day before thanksgiving, and my break has begun. it was a cloudy morning, as i walked to school. i haven't been well lately, and wondered if i could/should use that as an excuse to start my thanksgiving break early... but class was not to be missed, i decided. good decision. the roads were emptier than usual, and the birds still chirped. i attempted to keep my pace constant as i walked, uphill and down. the walk is beautiful, and one encounters all kinds of people/things as one walks. there are varied stimuli that attract us, some perhaps that repel - can we keep our pace steady in light of each of these? this was my point of focus for those 20-25 minutes. it was a rewarding exercise, and offered its own insights toward the effort to treat life with just that equanimity.

the walk back was even more pleasant. the illness didn't matter, in fact it was much improved. it was raining as i got out of south hall, and i was surprised to learn that my umbrella was on me. the umbrella did happen to be red-and-white, and as i sheepishly carried it (thankful it wasn't big game week anymore), the self-consciousness attracted my attention to the abundant variety of umbrellas around. the proliferation of green, the leaves on the ground, the cobbled paths wet and cleaned - all these sights were brilliant and rejuvenating (are there no limits to rejuvenation, i wonder?). as i tend to on some of my more cherished walks, i let the air 'go through' me. it was blissful.

but what is it that brings about that blissfulness? why does nature enthrall me so? why do i find such joy in the cracks on the pavement, in the water that flows through the creek, in the trees that are stripped clean of their leaves, in the grandeur of the campanile, the wetness of the streets? why must my heart sing with joy as i walk through this campus, on these roads? why is there such joy to be found in the colors of the varied umbrellas? what is it, really? perhaps it is this oneness with the world that makes every encounter joyful... but that's a mere guess, i'm not really sure. thoughts, again, would be welcome. when i have a better answer, i will write in.

must get on with my life now - there are showers to be had - but i am oh, so thankful for the extended four i moments i was blessed with today. i'm just not sure where they come from, entirely....

justice and mercy

just yesterday, a and i discussed the jung typology test (that we both took recently). a question in it asks if one values justice higher than mercy. i've been thinking about this for the past couple of days. i had answered no, but wondered how i'd arrived at that answer and if i could be sure. i came to a conclusion that in the personal realm, i.e. where the situation involved my personal stance on a matter involving another being, i valued mercy higher than justice. (there is also a question about what justice means in the personal realm in the first place.) however, when one enters the social sphere, where there are certain laws in place, certain rules that society would like us to conform to, i do value justice higher. that is, if person x steals my car, for instance, i consider it worthwhile to forgive x for doing so. if the law states that x be put in prison for a month for that act, then from the social perspective, i would wish for that law to be enforced. does dichotomizing one's values thus make sense? is there even a dichotomy? i will continue to ponder, but any thoughts are welcome.

as always, i consider it a divine coincidence that just as i wondered about justice and mercy, i unintentionally stumbled upon the following. thank you, n, for adding so much perspective to my life :). portia's speech to shylock in merchant of venice:

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew,
Though justice be thy plea, consider this,
That, in the course of justice, none of us
Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy.

the good, the bad...

chapter 11 of the gita talks of the glory and the terror of lord krishna's form, as he reveals it to arjuna. a asked me yesterday: "what does this mean for us as living beings?" indeed a pertinent question to ask - for everything that we read and attempt to learn - what do these teachings mean to convey to us that we may incorporate in our lives in order to progress on our path of dharma?

all wisdom is entirely welcome, solicited even. here is my humble take on answering a's question - that the lord is (in) both the good and evil alike. and what does that mean? the way i see it is three-fold: first, this helps us learn to forgive the 'evil' around us by accepting that god exists in the evil as well as the good; second, when we encounter troubled times, we learn to accept that god is with us in that strife; and third, when we feel the 'evil' forces of anger, jealousy, etc., we need not give up hope of self-improvement, because god is with us in these emotions as well.

a's next question was, "what is the need to make the distinction between good and evil?" i see two sides to that answer: first, it is helpful to recognize the good and the evil within us, especially for those commencing on their spiritual journey, so they may learn to focus their energies on their 'higher' nature, and not on 'baser' emotions. for example, i find it is helpful to recognize anger, jealousy, etc. that i may learn to transform destructive energies into more constructive ones. second, if one is so spiritually evolved so as to no longer need the distinction (please allow me to escape lots of writing to explain what i mean here precisely), they need merely continue along their path with the knowledge that there is no good, nor evil, only maya.

the hardest question for me to answer was, "how do we know what is good and what is evil?" my best attempt involves a summoning of the inner consciousness. i cannot articulate my meaning here, but there exists an inner self that just knows. this inner compass can guide us in the 'right' direction, and it knows to differentiate between 'good' and 'evil'; between the 'higher' and 'lower' natures, if you will. the real task, then, is to bring out this inner self and make room for it to live, breathe, and voice its thoughts. if each of us can build a healthy communication channel whereby we can speak to our inner voice and hear its response, i am confident that we will find ourselves on our 'intended path'.

this is as far as a's and my conversation went, so now would be an appropriate stopping point. (otherwise, i might have gone on forever :).)

thoughts on reading (and writing)

the last few days were spent thinking about various things. one among them was the 'repetition of posts' :). do my posts repeat themselves? hopefully, because there is only one truth :). since i am not at the truth yet, however, it manifests itself in isolated and segmented trains of thought that yearn for cohesion. slowly, steadily, they aim toward it. at this point, can i ask for more? no, of course :).

reading the gita, i wonder the same - do not several shlokas repeat the same ideas? again, yes, because is there not only one truth? but if multiple spiritual texts advocate the same ideas, is there a point to reading them? indeed, is there a point to repetition? i believe there is. first, because every text (and every author) has a different thought process to offer, wherein we may discover different perspectives we may not have considered. second, and more importantly, it is one thing to read, but quite another to internalize. and one never knows when one will discover a point of view that will suddenly hit home and bring about an epiphany. i have found insights and means of internalization in several different (and sometimes the most unexpected) places. so - read much as you can - is my mantra. there will be repetition; in fact, there should be, but read regardless. and chew until the thought has been fully digested.

rediscovering emily dickinson

more coincidences, more lovely poems to read. here's one. (i think the personification adds greatly.) (also, the more you read it, the more it clicks, and the more it resonates.)

The farthest Thunder that I heard
Was nearer than the Sky
And rumbles still, though torrid Noons
Have lain their missiles by --
The Lightning that preceded it
Struck no one but myself --
But I would not exchange the Bolt
For all the rest of Life --
Indebtedness to Oxygen
The Happy may repay,
But not the obligation
To Electricity --
It founds the Homes and decks the Days
And every clamor bright
Is but the gleam concomitant
Of that waylaying Light --
The Thought is quiet as a Flake --
A Crash without a Sound,
How Life's reverberation
Its Explanation found --

the jung typology test

i'd been meaning to take this test again for a while, just to see if - in the eyes of the test - i have changed/grown at all. the last time i took it, i'd come out as an enfj. today, i'm an infj (56 88 12 56). stark change from moderate e to moderate i. stronger n. weaker f. hmm.

apparently, mahatma gandhi is an example of the infj type - 'counselor idealist'.

the value of waiting

[i've been meaning to post on this for a while now, but sometimes posts do take their time to form, and it is always advisable to allow for that. indeed, there is value in the wait :).]

my dad often says "jaldi ka kaam shaitaan ka". literally, this idiom says that a task done in a rush is the task of the devil. perhaps an english idiom that conveys similar meaning would be "haste makes waste". i have pondered over this off and on for some years, but since it is only now that i am learning to see it only begins to find effect in my daily life now :).

although it may be easy enough to see, a word on why this is true: when we act without thinking, or act in desperation, our mind has not had/taken enough time to communicate with our inner voice. our mind could be hurt, angry, jealous, or afraid, and if we act in this state, we are more likely than not to cause another suffering as well. indeed, as soon as there is enough time for the mind to touch base with the inner self, we regret our actions immediately. true, yes?

so my question, as always, is how do we incorporate this understanding into daily living? again, i believe that all it takes is mindfulness. when we learn to accustom ourselves to and recognize our inner calm so well (through practice) that any disturbance stands out like a 'sore thumb' (what does this simile really mean?), then the task is much simplified. as soon as we detect a disturbance, we must leave all else aside (including the 'irresistable' urge to act) and devote our inner self to resolving this disturbance. again, as the mother drops all her other responsibilities and rushes to take care of her crying child, we should abandon all our responsibilities to take care of our suffering mind. i do not mean that one must stop all one is doing and meditate until the knot is untied within, but i do mean that we should exercise strength and self-restraint (however phenomenal the need) to disallow any action that stems from a suffering mind. the act of desparation is indeed the act of the devil (tie in reiki etc.).

practically, for instance, we should refrain from writing emails to and/or calling people when our mind is hurt or angry on account of them. in fact, all communication with another should be conducted with purity in one's heart (tie in gibran, fourth mindfulness training, emailing with care, reiki etc.). these days, my concerted effort is to act/speak/write out of calm alone, when there is no irresistable urge. in fact, when there is an irresistable urge, however harmless, my rule of thumb has become to let the urge pass (before i take any action). this may take a couple milliseconds sometimes, and sometimes hours or days, but the outcome is (no surprise) always positive. this transformation (to begin with) does require a leap of faith, for we must believe that our urge will eventually translate to wholesome and suitable action. but the self-propelling positive feedback loop kicks in again, and all is well with the world :).

happy birthday!

today is my darling nephew's seventh birthday. remember when he turned six? again, i couldn't wish him in person this year, but i pray dearly that a fantastic year lies ahead of him, that he continues to grow stronger (this year has been tough for him, on a few occasions) and continues to fill the hearts of those around him with joy and wonder.

"i knew we would be friends"

and if i could explain why it were, i'd be the wiser for it... but i have no idea why or how poetry goes so deep. a chord was struck as i saw this poem, posted by c as a comment to another's post. again, a magical find:

I Knew We Would Be Friends
-Hafiz

As soon as you opened your mouth
And I heard your soft
Sounds,

I knew we would be
Friends.

The first time, dear pilgrim, I heard
You laugh,

I knew it would not take me long
To turn you back into
God.

stanislavski

in class today, we talked about personas and scenarios. how do we create scenarios such that we can effectively communicate the usefulness of a new product? this was the main question the lecture sought to address. one of the lecture slides had a quote by stanislavski on it. before i write the quote, stanislavski (for those of you who do not know) was a russian actor and theatre director (who died in 1938). his views on acting are still honored by the artists of today. here's the quote:

“. . . all action in the theatre must have an inner justification, be logical, coherent and real.”

when i saw this quote in class, i wondered, "and why not off-theatre just the same?" if for every second of reel life one must have a "why", indeed why should it be any different for real life? i don't believe it should, but there is hardly enough time to do so, given the pace at which we live our lives. more the reason that we need to slow 'it' down, so we can inculcate the habit of acting only when our action will satisfy the above-mentioned requisites.

reiki etc.

a while ago, an anonymous reader had posted a comment on my blog about reiki. i am glad i allow anonymous posts on my blog because i continue to be grateful for that post and think about it almost daily. also a while ago, i read a comment posted by n and c's friend about praying every morning and, in fact, spending the day with a prayer in one's heart (i bet my recall is entirely inadequate - please correct me if you can).

i've been thinking about both for a few days, and it seems to me they relate to each other considerably. when i am grateful to every object - animate or inanimate - i think and feel with a sincerity towards it. i have tried to incorporate this habit into my daily life (it is not difficult to do, i encourage you to go for it) and find it keeps me more at peace. i fold my towel and clothes neatly when i am done with them, i put on and take off my shoes unhurriedly, putting them in their place when i'm not wearing them. i also toss trash into the garbage gently, and am careful while i open and shut doors so as not to slam them. feeling grateful towards each of these inanimate objects (needless to say, this transfers to animate objects as well) involves a sincerity that is not much different from the sincerity i feel within as i pray. the heart, then, is 'emptied of all but love' (ref). this practice has greatly aided my effort towards the goal of carrying a prayer in my heart through the day. it brings further affirmation that peace comes from making every action, every activity a spiritual practice. no?

on labels

and by the way, to make life a tad easier, i've decided to add labels to my posts. however, i am taking a class this semester on information organization and retrieval, which (contrary to popular belief) does not make categorization easier. after learning all the reality of information organization, i struggle muchly to think of words that might work well as tags. any help would be appreciated. so far, i have "gita", "gandhi", and "pome" :). i then decided to get a little more general and added "excerpts" but it felt a little impersonal, so i think i'll get rid of it now. thoughts you'd like to share? (please don't let this remain a "0 comments" post!)

on food, sort of

i've been thinking about my consumption (i.e. wrt food) habits lately, ever since tnh, in one of his books, mentioned briefly that anger may result from unrestrained eating. then today, i stumbled upon these verses from the gita (chap 6: 17-21) that speak to this thought.

But for earthly needs
Religion is not his who too much fasts
Or too much feasts; nor his who sleeps away
An idle mind; nor his who wears to waste
His strength in vigils. Nay, Arjuna! call
That the true piety which most removes
Earth-aches and ills, where one is moderate
In eating and in resting, and in sport;
Measured in wish and act; sleeping betimes,
Waking betimes for duty.

When the man,
So living, centres on his soul the thought
Straitly restrained - untouched internally
By stress of sense - then is he Yukta. See!
Steadfast a lamp burns sheltered from the wind;
Such is the likeness of the Yogi's mind

i own two versions of the bhagavad gita, and have been deeply engrossed in the newer version which is written in painstaking detail (good for the likes of me who, for instance, would not know what "Yukta" meant). the old one (by sir edwin arnold, quoted from above), i found today, is also the one that mahatma gandhi refers to in his autobiography. this was indeed a special discovery since i just quoted from his translation not knowing that i owned it. life is just brimming with divine coincidences, is it not? :)

sweet darkness

perhaps you can tell, poetry has a special place in my heart. it speaks to me more clearly than prose, most often, and awakens parts of me deep within that have been dormant for a while. c, in her usual kindness, shared this poem with me (what seems like) a long time ago, and every time i read it, my understanding goes a step deeper. i hope that it brings you as much joy.

Sweet Darkness
- David Whyte

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

virtuosity

is not always innate. there is indeed goodness that we are born with. it may be in our nature to shower love and affection on those around us. it may be in our nature to empathize, to listen with a caring ear, to generously give to the poor and the needy. are there characteristics not in our nature that may be acquired? i used to wonder if that was indeed possible. can we become someone we aren't born as? as an earlier post quotes - if we truly believe and act with diligence, the heavens will not stand in the way. no, i do not have proof, but i do believe. it is important - to believe. something gandhi wrote also speaks to this train of thought, and i quote -

A variety of incidents in my life have conspired to bring me in close contact with people of many creeds and many communities, and my experience with all of them warrants the statement that I have known no distinction between relatives and strangers, countrymen and foreigners, white and coloured, Hindus and Indians of other faiths, whether Musalmans, Parsis, Christians or Jews. I may say that my heart has been incapable of making any such distinctions. I cannot claim this as a special virtue, as it is in my very nature, rather than a result of any effort on my part, whereas in the case of ahimsa (ahimsa), brahmacharya (celibacy), aparigraha (non-possession) and other cardinal virtues, I am fully conscious of a continuous striving for their cultivation. (pp. 243)

(nb: yes, i know virtuosity is not the apt word to use, but it should be - no?)

- gandhi

as i continue my reading of gandhi's experiments with truth, i'd like to share with you some of the thought-provoking sections of it:

If anyone doubts the infinite mercy of God, let him have a look at these sacred places. How much hypocrisy and irreligion does the Prince of Yogis suffer to be perpetrated in His holy name? He proclaimed long ago: 'Whatever a man sows, that shall he reap.' The law of Karma is inexorable and impossible of evasion. There is thus hardly any need for God to interfere. He laid down the law, and, as it were, retired. (pp. 215)

Man and his deed are two distinct things. Whereas a good deed should call forth approbation and a wicked deed disapprobation, the doer of the deed, whether good or wicked, always deserves respect or pity as the case may be. 'Hate the sin and not the sinner' is a precept which, though easy enough to understand, is rarely practised, and that is why the poison of hate spreads in the world.

This ahimsa is the basis of the search for truth. I am realizing every day that the search is vain unless it is founded on ahimsa as the basis. It is quite proper to resist and attack a system, but to resist and attack its author is tantamount to resisting and attacking oneself. For we are all tarred with the same brush, and are children of one and the same Creator, and as such the divine powers within us are infinite. To slight a single human being is to slight those divine powers, and thus to harm not only that being but with him the whole world. (pp. 242)

precedents

so often our mind rationalizes prejudices we form based on precedents. precedents are really the attachments the mind has formed and refuses to let go of. why? i wonder. when more often than not, they bring us only fear - the fear that things will not change. but they do, and they will - for change is the only constant. it only takes one chance to break the jinx, no? more the reason to do something than to not do it, so as to step out of a precedent and into the new, beautiful and changed world.

nonattachment, again

the definition that works best for me, at present, is as follows: i know i am attached when a subject of joy, when taken away, causes me pain. conversely, i know i am not attached when i am happy about an aspect of my life, but were i to lose it all of a sudden, i would not be miserable on account of it.

(definitions are for you, a!)

at berkeley high

i was at berkeley high today; j and i were to interview some kids in the college career center for our class project. j was delayed on account of a doctor's appointment and i didn't know what the kids looked like, nor did i know their last names. i asked o (who was coordinating the activities in the career center) and he didn't know them either. i do not know if he was a senior at school or if he just volunteered at the center, but he came across as a most responsible young lad, and my heart warmed to see him conduct himself with such sincerity. he was on crutches because of a broken leg, but that didn't stop him from walking all over the center, without a pause.

after i had waited a while, he asked me if i'd like to help tutor while i waited for my friend. the idea had not occurred to me, but i said "sure, why not?" (wondering if i'd know enough to do a good job at it), adding that i'd do it until j came by. and that's when j came by (bummer!), so o asked us if he could help our cause in any way. we told him we needed esl students and he said he'd try to find us some. he found us one, and the kids we were to interview showed up right then as well.

after our interviews were done (and they were most interesting, i must add), we went up to o to thank him. he then said that they were often in need of tutors at the center, and if we could volunteer there, it would be of great help. my first reaction was one of surprise, for volunteering at a high school career center in the u.s. had not been something i had ever considered. i asked him for details anyway (though i wonder if that was more out of politeness and the incapacity to say an outright no), and he gave his email address to me saying i could just email him to find out more, but anytime during the week that i could spare some time at the center would be appreciated. we thanked him again and left.

after i'd said bye to j, i thought more about that entire experience. do these things really just happen by chance? everything is so intricately connected, it seemed. had j not had her eye exam, i wouldn't have taken the time to get to know o better, nor had the time to learn to respect him. had i not, he may not have known to help us out, nor would he have talked to us perhaps. and had he not talked to us, this opportunity would not have presented itself. just yesterday, a and i were talking about the joy of volunteering, and the immense peace it brings to be of service in a way that can be of use to someone. as i walked back home from the school, i marveled at the series of events and how they had aligned themselves to offer me this chance to build good karma :).

as i think more and more about how unexpected this entire set of circumstances has been, i am left with little doubt that we are all tied together, and that there is a god who looks after us, come what may.

to add to the list

as i walked up the hill to attend my 9am class, i realized i wasn't carrying a water-bottle with me, but was getting increasingly thirsty. i usually get a tea from the student lounge downstairs, but this morning there wasn't enough time (or i'd be cutting it close :)). then i thought of stopping at the water-fountain on the first floor, since the one on the second floor is always broken. but for some strange reason, just as i reached the first floor i was distracted and kept walking up to the second floor, immediately lamenting the fact that no water was to be had until i got out of class 1.5 hours later. with all these thoughts in my head i reached the second floor and found that the water fountain was no longer covered in black plastic. it was working! for the first time in the last several months! isn't that cool? the first time i needed for this fountain to work and it did, after non-operation for months?

slowing it down

i find that the most positive change my life has experienced in recent times (and of course, the 'most' part is from this moment's perspective, and it may change the next :)) is the slowing down of its pace. no it didn't 'just happen', i had to work hard to make it happen. i had to shake myself by the shoulders each time i over-committed myself, each time i found myself stressing about getting late, each time i felt rushed out of leaving things to the last minute. i trained my inner consciousness to become acutely aware of the "i'm getting rushed" feeling.

i decided to give myself more time. consciously. indeed, that's all it took. i knew that walking to school took 20 minutes if i cut it close, but i decided to give myself 30. i always made it to class/meetings early, but i kept at it regardless. i knew that if i stepped up my pace a tad bit, i'd make it across the street before the 'hand' stopped blinking, but i consciously decided not to let my pace depend on the street signals. i taught myself to schedule 3 things for the weekend instead of 5. and then 2 instead of 3. as a result, i found time to spend several blissful hours by lake elizabeth last weekend. and what a reward that was!

the rewards permeate their way through to the week's existence. i find i have much more time. all the time. i have time to sit on my favorite bench by the campanile and to "pause and reflect" (as the bench says to do). very literally, i have found myself time to stop and smell the flowers. the benefits are endless, and i discover them afresh every day.

so slow it down, gentle reader! and see what it does for you.

on web accessibility

today's lecture was on web accessibility. yesterday, our professor had sent out a mail asking if any of us could wait at the ischool entrance to allow in the guest lecturer who was visually impaired. although i wanted to, i was tentative at first - i had never interacted with a visually impaired person before, and wondered if i would 'do the right thing'. as soon as i detected this fear on seeing the professor's mail, i wrote back volunteering to do it. i would figure out what the 'right thing to do' was.

i waited outside the ischool until the golf cart drove in and i received her and led her into the classroom. i cannot begin to describe the joy that short-lived experience brought me. i understand now just what tnh means when he talks of loving someone as they need to be loved. it fits right in. it was not difficult at all to 'do the right thing', because the inner self had found its way out.

class was also really amazing. i saw the computing world from the perspective of the visually impaired. i also felt immensely grateful that technology could step into the lives of these people and allow them to lead a more independent life. (there was a discussion, also, on webpages that were accessible and those that weren't, and i need to do something quick about mine.)

thank god for walking!

life reveals its lessons to us in such quaint little ways. today as i walked to school, i took a different route so as to stop by the post office on the way (my nephew turns 7 this week, and i had to mail some cards :)). as i passed by the congregational church on durant, i saw a poster with the following quote:

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.
- Gracie Allen

i had to repeat this line in my head several times to even begin to grasp its full import. with each iteration, i found myself uncover a deeper meaning. how many times do we believe we 'know' god's intent? in a day, even? how many times do we accept defeat and lose the will to carry on? we shy away from the uncertainty of life every day, when we could just as easily accept the certainty of life that there is uncertainty in life :).

as i crossed a road while the light was red (for the drivers), i thought to myself - "there is no way i can tell how long this signal will remain red. it could turn green this second, or the next, or the next, but there is no way for me to tell when. especially when i don't know how long it's been red when i looked at it first." if we expand this experience to a larger time scale, we realize it is akin to many others that we face on a daily basis. like a prospective student i got to know today asked me, "what will you do when you graduate?" i smiled and thought, "you know, i have no idea. i don't even know what i will do an hour and a half from now." (i did present her with a potential outcome though.)

from a state of fear of this inescapable uncertainty, i am slowly coming to embrace it with hope and faith. true that we could lose everything we have in the very next instant, but it is just as true that our lives could change remarkably for the better in this very next instant. why is one way of thought better than the other? it isn't; it is only fear/attachment that make it so. our life exists only in the present moment. not to say (at all) that one should not have a path one treads on, but we only live in the now, not in the past or future. therefore, pain or excitement for the past or the future has no meaning. the present holds within it limitless joy; we need only open ourselves to receiving it.

the ego

i read recently (where and what exactly, i can no longer remember :() that while many spiritual texts talk of the ego as being undesirable, it is not always 'bad', and has its purpose to serve in the maturing of a human being. as an infant grows into a child and a child grows into a young adult, several changes take place within. the infant must learn to walk, to speak, to eat, thereby understanding the realm of his/her physical existence. the child must learn to acquire knowledge, to construct social ties, thereby understanding the role that he/she plays in a familial, social, and cultural context, and developing slowly into an adult who possesses a functional understanding of the world. in each of these processes, it is the ego that allows the individual to gauge and understand his/her sphere of existence, indeed to collect data points from this world and form a worldview that is his/her own.

at this point, however, the ego has served its purpose. data has been collected, it must now be analyzed. when is there enough data? when is it time to analyze? i don't believe there is a correct answer to these questions, but there comes a time when one knows it is time. and then must commence a breaking-down process, whereby all notions held dear to heart must be brought under the magnifying glass and reconsidered. lama surya das refers to this as a deconditioning and reconditioning process that we must go through, to abandon egoic attachments and discover a deeper truth. the truth that love is all there is. that love is all there need be.

my prayer today is that we all undergo this process, and that the time comes sooner rather than later. may god enlighten all beings.

thankfulness

i have kept myself from adding this poem in here a long time, to save myself some guilt from lifting off of bright butterfly's blog every so often. now that a fair bit of time has passed since her post (or so i decree :) and my thankfulness is none reduced, i think it is time. i give thanks, also, to her for introducing me to this masterpiece that resonates deep within.

i thank You God for most this amazing
-e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

the weekend that was

this was a weekend filled with learning, and so it must be documented. friday was a dear friend's birthday celebration, and i made an effort to comprehend the challenge of meditating amidst a crowd. later, i came across lama surya das's thoughts on this subject, and i quote:

Stillness and calm is not the ultimate state of mind, but is a good place to start and try to develop. Yet don’t mistake mere silence or quiescent stillness for inner peace and contentment, which is beyond the polarities and dichotomies of noise and quiet, stillness and movement, action and inaction, etc. The Great Peace of awakened awareness-wisdom when realized is available amidst any activity, at any decibel level, anywhere and anytime… It’s beyond any of us yet imminent in each of us and in every moment, every place, every finite thing. The whole may move and change is the law, yet mysteriously enough each part is as if totally still.

a difficult ideal to achieve, but the effort is ongoing. the celebration was heartening nevertheless, for it is always heartening to be surrounded by those one loves and those one is loved by - regardless indeed of word or sound.

this saturday was third in a row of music-filled saturdays. we performed on the same stage we had first come together to perform on as a group. it was a joy to see how far we had evolved since that glorious day in november three years ago. what made the evening special for me, personally, was that i had initially intended to leave right after our performance. as i brought myself to question my reasons, i experienced a liberating desire to transform all inhibition. and when performances i believed i'd have scarce interest in turned out to be amazing or informative nonetheless, the (seemingly obvious but brilliantly fresh) realization struck that every experience adds to our life in a unique, irreplaceable way, that it may not be dismissed as unneeded or superfluous. do i make sense? an osho reading i encountered today spoke to this never-ending desire the ego has to say "no" when the soul often voices a "yes". in every no, the ego finds separation and identity, but the soul only experiences alienation. sometimes, it may be worthwhile to ponder over this urge to say no and to see what happens when we alter that to a yes.

the finale performance was mindblowing then in many ways. of course, it was just plain good. but it quickly became symbolic of all experiences i shied away from - for dislike, pride, or ignorance (zukav would label each of these 'fear'), but found pleasing, moving, and peace-inducing (or 'love'-filled) nonetheless. a lesson in life, no doubt.

several hours this sunday afternoon were spent in the company of zukav, seagulls, and much, much peace. as i sat on my own on a bench by lake elizabeth, i marveled at the bikers who completed several loops, the runners who ran panting and in spite of the hot sun, and the varied ages of the passers-by. also the varied languages they spoke, though none more than the universal language of the smile. my greatest moment found itself in the ability to cheer on a woman - a stranger - as she struggled to complete her run. all it took was a hearty "good job" to transform her look of extreme pain to a smile. sometimes, indeed, that is all it takes.

in this weekend i also experienced a love for dogs i haven't known in all my years thus far. so much so that even my aunt and mom were forced to remark on it. how did that happen? did love win over fear?

and then, i drove. and now, i must devote all attention to the wizard of oz. it's the first time i'm seeing this, and indeed, it was just this morning that i had expressed desire to see it - also the first movie i've wanted to see in a few months. and now it's on tv. and i found it. connections? :)

a lesson from driving

as i drove on the freeway today, i wondered (more than once) what would happen if i suddenly let the car veer from its path. chances are it would (and i would) escape unscathed. but the higher likelihood is that we wouldn't. what keeps us in our own lanes? the body's (or mind's) aversion to pain/injury? and so is there the path of dharma that the soul knows it must traverse. what keeps us forever prone to veering off this path? mustn't we act against the pain, the injury of our soul just as well? just a thought.

the seat of the soul

gary zukav has written a book called the seat of the soul that i read today. he breaks down the human emotional system into two elements: fear (the negative forces) and love (the positive). while fear stems from the mind or the personality, love finds its roots in the inner consciousness, or the soul. this is the crux of the book, which discusses the leaning of the personality and that of the soul, and how awareness is supremely important to align the two. i like the definition he gives of temptation:

Temptation is the Universe's compassionate way of allowing you to run through what would be a harmful negative karmic dynamic if you were to allow it to become physically manifest. It is the energy through which your soul is given the gracious opportunity to have a dry run at a life lesson, at a situation that, if you can see clearly, can be removed and healed within the confines of your private world of energy and not spill into a larger energy field of other souls. Temptation is a dress rehearsal for a karmic experience of negativity.

the soul then progresses along its ordained path only when the personality is able to learn its lessons from temptation and allow the soul to take control. i like the simplicity of this thought. temptation is our well-loved friend, and we cross paths with it on numerous occasions even on a single day. each of these occasions is a chance for our soul to win over our personality. each of these occasions is a shot at coming closer to our soul's purpose. we never run out of chances, but the more we avail of, the stronger we build the habit of availing of them. the beauty is limitless when this becomes a self-propelling loop. then with every moment of awareness we find ourselves closer to God, and thus, closer to the goodness fundamental to our being.

more excerpts

am now reading gandhi's autobiography which documents the following excerpt from the gita, translated by sir edwin arnold. poetic and beautiful.

If one
Ponders on objects of the sense, there springs
Attraction; from attraction grows desire,
Desire flames to fierce passion, passion breeds
Recklessness; then the memory - all betrayed -
Lets noble purpose go, and saps the mind,
Till purpose, mind, and man are all undone.

in the chapter that follows, nirbal ke bal ram, gandhi writes the following:

I did not then know the essence of religion or of God, and how He works in us. Only vaguely I understood that God had saved me on that occasion. On all occasions of trial He has saved me. I know that the phrase 'God has saved me' has a deeper meaning for me today, and still I feel that I have not yet grasped its entire meaning. Only richer experience can help me to a fuller understanding. But in all my trials - of a spiritual nature, as a lawyer, in conducting institutions, and in politics - I can say that God saved me. When every hope is gone, 'when helpers fail and comforts flee,' I find that help arrives somehow, from I know not where. Supplication, worship, prayer are no superstition; they are acts more real than the acts of eating, drinking, sitting or walking. It is no exaggeration to say that they alone are real, all else is unreal.

Such worship or prayer is no flight of eloquence; it is no lip-homage. It springs from the heart. If, therefore, we achieve that purity of the heart when it is 'emptied of all but love', if we keep all the chords in proper tune, they 'trembling pass in music out of sight'. Prayer needs no speech. It is in itself independent of any sensuous effort. I have not the slightest doubt that prayer is an unfailing means of cleansing the heart of passions. But it must be combined with the utmost humility.

succinctly put, as i wonder myself how God saves us - when hope is gone and comforts flee. in one form or another, He manifests Himself as a savior - in thought, word, or action - suddenly and miraculously. and on miracles, i am in complete agreement with walt whitman (and do check out the entire poem, at leisure):

...to me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same;
Every spear of grass--the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women, and all that concerns them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles...

true story

succinct and perfect. from buddha is as buddha does:

Buddhist masters of almost every school say that we are all Buddhas by nature; we only need to realize that fact, in an authentically integrated, whole-mind-and-body way. This is the core meaning of pristine awakened awareness. It is so close to being possible for us that we tend to overlook it. It is so clear and ever-present for us that we're inclined to see right through it. It is not outside of ourselves, so we can't grasp or obtain it as much as we continue trying to do so. It seems too good to be true, so we don't let ourselves believe it. Awareness of the true nature of our heart-mind answers the questions "Who am I?" "What is real?" "What is the meaning of life?" and all of the many other inquiries we might have about God, the soul, the afterlife, the material world and our place in it, or our purpose in life. However, it doesn't necessarily answer these big questions in any way we would have imagined it might.

on being wrong

a simpler realization i'd like to share. i've found that often the mind tricks us into believing we are oh, so right about a thought process, a stance, when really we are only terribly mistakenly attached. we don't give up no matter what. at such an occasion, i have found rather serendipitously, the most liberating of all feelings is to be had by allowing oneself to say to the other: "you are absolutely right".

(nb: do so only when your wits are about you and they recognize somewhere deep down that the other is indeed right :).)

on email

as i thought more about what tnh and gibran (and other sages) advocated about talking and communication, i wondered about my use (and abuse) of email. what was my desired behavior on email? no doubt i was happy to use it for the fact that the world has shrunk considerably as a result. but how much use was too much use? and did it do more harm than good? did it allow us more freedom to hurt/to say more and think less? did it do enough good to balance that effect? as these questions filled my mind, i became more and more concerned about what seemed like an entirely unnecessary advancement of technology. gosh, how wrong.

with great power comes great responsibility, yes? (thank you, uncle ben!) true here just as well. email does give us great power. we can say anything in the world we wish to practically anyone in the world we can think of (practically...). wow. but then comes the responsibility part, and it is up to us to be responsible in our use of the medium, just as it is up to us to not light our neighbor's house on fire, yeah? phew.

a deeper and more satisfying realization came when i thought of email and how it aligned with my spiritual goals. with email, one has a so-much-better chance to express so-much-more love towards the world. why this was obvious to a all along but not to me - beats me. the newness of this realization still amazes - for the immense beauty in the ability email grants us to think meditatively about a person, focus our energies on them, and then write to them with all our love and attention. yes, as long as we do all of that each time we write. and to varying degrees, it is so totally doable. that's the beauty of it.

change

• is it possible?
• is it desirable?
• is it inevitable?
• can it be directed?

the power of prayer

i am currently reading buddha is as buddha does and was moved by this story:

A young American journalist moved to Israel and rented an apartment that had a view of Jerusalem's famed Wailing Wall. Every morning before leaving for work, she looked out her window at the sacred wall and saw an elderly man standing there wrapped in his prayer shawl and praying with great zeal. Every noontime she returned home for lunch and saw the same man there, intensely praying. Every evening she came home after work, and there the same man stood, rapt in prayer.

After several months of noticing this fervent soul, the young woman went outside and waited for him to pause in his prayers. When he did, she introduced herself and asked him, "How long have you been praying like this, every day, and what is it you pray for so earnestly?"

The man told her, "I have come to this spot every day for more than twenty-five years. In the morning, I pray for world peace, and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home briefly for a cup of tea, and then I come back and spend the rest of the day praying that there will be no more illness, disease, hunger, or suffering in the world.

The young woman was astonished at his answer. She asked, "How do you feel, after coming here for twenty-five years and praying for these things?"

The elderly man looked at her and said, "Just imagine how much worse it could have been without these prayers."

moving. a thought to consider each time we wonder if our prayers are being heard. each time we are discouraged and tend towards losing faith. i pray that we believe....

yes, what are the chances?

mom and i played a game of scrabble today. it was a great game and most fulfilling. what amazed me was that each of us ended up with 394 points at the end of it. i have never tied a game of scrabble. no really, what are the chances?

(perhaps my mathematically advanced friends can comment?)

what are the chances?

when the inner consciousness is awake, strange and fascinating things happen. really, if you only believe, you'll see what i mean. chatting with c, i was trying to share with her my epiphany for the day (documented in the previous post). but the chat conversation was confusing my train of thought and i needed to write it all down. so that's what i told her i'd do. in what seemed like a comfortable passage of time, i wrote my post, edited and uploaded it. i immediately proceeded to let her know that i was done. only to find out she was reading it already. nope, she didn't get an email or rss feed about the post. she just checked randomly - within a minute of my posting it. really, what was that? of course, there's such a thing as a coincidence, one could argue. something tells me there's more to it though....

on meditation

we had a discussion on meditation on this blog about a month ago. in this time, i have meditated on the subject some more :) and arrived at the following thought process: at first, i was convinced that meditation was a very personal thing. it was something we did by ourselves and for our own sake - to become more aware, to introspect, to focus our energies, etc. as i was caught in that limited understanding, i found myself a tad in conflict. i continued to meditate, but when i wasn't meditating, i would wonder - how does such an intensely personal activity performed in isolation tie in with spiritual growth and with oneness? when i am meditating, i am by myself. even if i am amidst the world, i am by myself. i have to pull myself away from people, its things, from nature, its bounty. how does meditation bring me more in line with them when it seemingly only separates?

in the last few days, the conflict has appeared to resolve itself. the knot is now untied with the clarity that just as life cannot be about non-meditation/non-introspection alone, it cannot be about meditation alone. there must be a balance, as always. we go out into the world, interact with people - with friends, with strangers, with nature, with life. we breathe in the impurities of this world and allow our impurities to be brought out as well. but these impurities need to be cleansed, and mental formations need to be resolved. this is where meditation comes in. it helps us destroy these inner and outer impurities, recharges us, and makes us ready for the world again - in all our fundamental goodness.

i am also intrigued that just as my thoughts on this subject were nearing articulation, i decided to postpone writing this post until i was done reading wild mind. and here are the last four lines of this book:

Jack Kornfield, a vipassana teacher, said last week up at Lama, "You meditate by yourself but not for yourself. You meditate for everyone."
This is how we should write.

whether it really is how we should write or not is not my source of intrigue. well, not my current source of intrigue. one, i loved the quote, and two, was the unconscious anticipation of stumbling upon this quote what kept me from posting earlier? indeed, when one believes....

on accepting ourselves

natalie goldberg writes (on accepting ourselves as writers) in wild mind:

Write the truth. And remember what I whispered in that kid's ear at the beginning of the chapter: "Keep going. You're doing fine. Don't think. Don't cross out." Develop a "sweetheart" inside yourself who whispers in your ear to encourage you. Let's face it. You who have created the editor are also capable of creating the sweetheart, that kind coach who thinks what you do is fine. "But what I do isn't fine." Says who? The editor? Have you murdered anyone in the last day, week, month, year, decade? Probably not. Then don't worry about it. Give yourself a break. You're probably a really fine person. Call up the sweetheart and let him or her give you some compliments.

i loved this part. writing is hard, and unless we're in 'the zone' when we're writing without thinking and fully immersed, we're constantly worried about the quality of our writing. (yes, another one of those occasions where we worry constantly about being good, when all it would take to be good would be to not worry at all!) but no matter what it is we do - write, dance, sing, act, be - the editor remains. if we are mindful of it, we will see how desperately it tries to take over our lives. all the greater the need for the sweetheart. let it live and die with the editor. it will aid us towards understanding and accepting ourselves better. until such time that the inner consciousness has found its voice that can stand on its own - editor or no editor, sweetheart or no sweetheart.

on being tested

while talking to a friend friday evening, i shared with her my experience of the four i's. she asked me if i was being tested in that hour. was it not worthwhile to experience them if i wasn't being tested, i wondered? that was my mind thinking. at first, i didn't think i had been tested. then my mind conjured up tests it thought i was experiencing outside of that moment, deciding that i was being tested after all (and that it was all good).

well, whatever. that was an instance of the garbage my mind magnanimously generates sometimes. here's a more honest attempt to analyze:

first, experiencing the four i's in any moment is of immense value. it is hard and it is an achievement. if there is but a second in a day that we can find ourselves brimming with love, compassion, joy, and equanimity toward the world, it is a precious, precious moment. savor it. make it last. as long as possible. period. don't ask yourself whether it is an achievement or not, whether you're being tested or not... or whether you're good enough or not, strong enough or not, worthy enough or not, making enough progress or not... it's the mind that wonders these things. drop it.

second, if we do experience the four i's, by definition there can be no test. nor can there be any pain. in that moment, we are pain-free, attachment free; indeed we are alive! we create a positive energy field around us and feel ourselves radiate this energy outward, affecting others positively as well. our inner consciousness finds its way out through the cracks and we shine.

third, and this holds regardless - if our mind chooses to feel tested it will, unless we forcefully block its way. sometimes this is hard, sometimes this is harder, but anytime the mind has its way, it will put us to the test. we have to stop it from exercising this power. in fact, we have to stop it from assuming this power in the first place. at first, this task will seem monumental, but gradually, as the walls fall and our inner consciousness acquires greater strength, it will find greater success in defeating the 'monkey mind' (as natalie goldberg calls it). to allow our inner consciousness a moment to breathe, a moment to be, there is a leap we have to make. our mind will do everything it can to stop us (and so the tests will sometimes seem grave and serious), but once the leap is made, it is made. everything pales in comparison to the moment of liberation, if fleeting.

ultimately, we must realize that on most occasions that we feel 'tested', there is no real test. in the comfort of our homes, in a classroom, on a walk, while eating dinner, ask yourself if you are being tested. if the answer is no (as is more likely to be the case than not), then consciously tell yourself - "in this moment, there is no test". just that thought has often helped me make the necessary leap to peace and strength. short-lived, perhaps, but no longer as elusive.

so that leaves us with the non-peaceful occasions when the mind has won and we answer "in this moment, there is a test". given the infinite nature of time and the finitude of these occasions, they are not of significance. it suffices to tell ourselves that "this too will pass". easier said than done, but the sole truth, if there was one.

photography warms the heart

seeking another four i moment, i headed to campus on sunday afternoon with my camera and book. goals of photography, reading, peace, and fulfillment were successfully achieved - as i went up the campanile and drank in the sunlit sights, walked through my favorite parts of campus for some captures, and finally settled to read amidst the leaves. (the photos are now on smugmug of course.)

sunday afternoons are fairly unbusy on campus, giving it a different and rare kind of appeal. it feels as though the children have headed out for recess but will be home again soon... i could only barely pull myself away from the campanile and its seductive charm, but the leaves, the trees, the grass, the people, the squirrels came a close second. am reminded again of the auguries of innocence.

is the same joy to be found without camera in hand? entirely. as i found today on my walk through lafayette.... walking on a trail is a joyous experience. indeed there is natural beauty in abundance, but also - those who walk or cycle past appear to share a unique bond with you - if for a moment. is this the one place where your eyes meet all others and smile? perhaps. is it not a moving realization that a smile knows no boundaries? that across nations, across cultures, across beliefs, a smile is a smile and holds the very same meaning? is a smile alone not proof enough for interbeing? (rhetorical questions, all.)

the auguries of innocence

i read this poem again a few minutes ago, inspired by the inspiration for my previous post, and it spoke to my thinking for this day. william blake was indeed a great poet. don't you agree?

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

A Robin Red breast in a Cage
Puts all Heaven in a Rage.
A dove house fill'd with doves & Pigeons
Shudders Hell thro' all its regions.
A dog starv'd at his Master's Gate
Predicts the ruin of the State.
A Horse misus'd upon the Road
Calls to Heaven for Human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted Hare
A fibre from the Brain does tear.
A Skylark wounded in the wing,
A Cherubim does cease to sing.
The Game Cock clipp'd and arm'd for fight
Does the Rising Sun affright.
Every Wolf's & Lion's howl
Raises from Hell a Human Soul.
The wild deer, wand'ring here & there,
Keeps the Human Soul from Care.
The Lamb misus'd breeds public strife
And yet forgives the Butcher's Knife.
The Bat that flits at close of Eve
Has left the Brain that won't believe.
The Owl that calls upon the Night
Speaks the Unbeliever's fright.
He who shall hurt the little Wren
Shall never be belov'd by Men.
He who the Ox to wrath has mov'd
Shall never be by Woman lov'd.
The wanton Boy that kills the Fly
Shall feel the Spider's enmity.
He who torments the Chafer's sprite
Weaves a Bower in endless Night.
The Caterpillar on the Leaf
Repeats to thee thy Mother's grief.
Kill not the Moth nor Butterfly,
For the Last Judgement draweth nigh.
He who shall train the Horse to War
Shall never pass the Polar Bar.
The Beggar's Dog & Widow's Cat,
Feed them & thou wilt grow fat.
The Gnat that sings his Summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the Snake & Newt
Is the sweat of Envy's Foot.
The poison of the Honey Bee
Is the Artist's Jealousy.
The Prince's Robes & Beggars' Rags
Are Toadstools on the Miser's Bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the Lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so;
Man was made for Joy & Woe;
And when this we rightly know
Thro' the World we safely go.
Joy & Woe are woven fine,
A Clothing for the Soul divine;
Under every grief & pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The Babe is more than swaddling Bands;
Throughout all these Human Lands
Tools were made, & born were hands,
Every Farmer Understands.
Every Tear from Every Eye
Becomes a Babe in Eternity.
This is caught by Females bright
And return'd to its own delight.
The Bleat, the Bark, Bellow & Roar
Are Waves that Beat on Heaven's Shore.
The Babe that weeps the Rod beneath
Writes Revenge in realms of death.
The Beggar's Rags, fluttering in Air,
Does to Rags the Heavens tear.
The Soldier arm'd with Sword & Gun,
Palsied strikes the Summer's Sun.
The poor Man's Farthing is worth more
Than all the Gold on Afric's Shore.
One Mite wrung from the Labrer's hands
Shall buy & sell the Miser's lands:
Or, if protected from on high,
Does that whole Nation sell & buy.
He who mocks the Infant's Faith
Shall be mock'd in Age & Death.
He who shall teach the Child to Doubt
The rotting Grave shall ne'er get out.
He who respects the Infant's faith
Triumph's over Hell & Death.
The Child's Toys & the Old Man's Reasons
Are the Fruits of the Two seasons.
The Questioner, who sits so sly,
Shall never know how to Reply.
He who replies to words of Doubt
Doth put the Light of Knowledge out.
The Strongest Poison ever known
Came from Caesar's Laurel Crown.
Nought can deform the Human Race
Like the Armour's iron brace.
When Gold & Gems adorn the Plow
To peaceful Arts shall Envy Bow.
A Riddle or the Cricket's Cry
Is to Doubt a fit Reply.
The Emmet's Inch & Eagle's Mile
Make Lame Philosophy to smile.
He who Doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you Please.
If the Sun & Moon should doubt
They'd immediately Go out.
To be in a Passion you Good may do,
But no Good if a Passion is in you.
The Whore & Gambler, by the State
Licenc'd, build that Nation's Fate.
The Harlot's cry from Street to Street
Shall weave Old England's winding Sheet.
The Winner's Shout, the Loser's Curse,
Dance before dead England's Hearse.
Every Night & every Morn
Some to Misery are Born.
Every Morn & every Night
Some are Born to sweet Delight.
Some are Born to sweet Delight,
Some are born to Endless Night.
We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro' the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to Perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light.
God Appears & God is Light
To those poor Souls who dwell in the Night,
But does a Human Form Display
To those who Dwell in Realms of day.

immerse...

just finished reading natalie goldberg's writing down the bones. as you may guess, it is a book about writing. more specifically, it treats writing as a zen practice, as a way of being, of channeling one's energy in a meaningful fashion, of attaining oneness with the world, of finding peace.

for some, it may be about writing alone. but really, it could be any activity you are able to immerse yourself in. while writing is immensely fulfilling to me as well, i find that photography helps me be, just the same. to be a photographer, one must see the world as is, and then see the world as it can be seen - in its greater glory. both require intense observation power, meditation if you will. if i cannot focus on the minutiae of a blade of grass and find myself one with it, i do not see its beauty. if i do not see its beauty, how can i photograph this beauty? i could point my camera at it aimlessly, but i do not know what i will get. i may luck out, but it is more likely that i may fail.

photography is surrender - accepting the world as it is - this, and nothing more. because i cannot photograph what isn't, i must train my mind to accept that this is all there is. and yet, there is more. because in immersing myself in what is, i find that i discover limitless beauty. in observation with energy and with focus, i see more. this too is a practice tnh, natalie, and indeed many others talk of in zen. a sheet of paper exists not merely as a sheet of paper, but encompasses within its limited physical existence a variety of beautiful things. the truth is no longer only what our eyes see, but what our inner consciousness can be brought to perceive. correction: what we can actively bring it to perceive. i am reminded now of william blake, as his words attain new meaning:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

and so it is with running. as with any activity that brings us to the moment so that we can truly be. and so i urge you, gentle reader, to immerse yourself. do whatever brings you joy, and lose yourself in it. be it writing, photography, running, or smelling the flowers, cooking, washing dishes, walking, surfing, you name it. frequently indulge yourself, so you may allow your inner consciousness the space it needs to breathe, the space it needs to emerge, so that it is no longer in the background, no longer suppressed beneath layers... the results will reward not only you but everyone around. it's your easiest shot at peace. and when you should choose to seek, you shall find.