on judging, again
i've been judging of smokers for as long as i can remember. back in october, i remember standing outside brewed awakening, when i saw a young student puffing away at his cigarette. i wondered - are there two ways about this? isn't smoking outright wrong? isn't it an unarguable manifestation of inner weakness? how do i find it within to respect him in spite of this? clearly, i am being judgmental. and clearly that is wrong. but how do i keep from being judgmental thus? from believing that i am somehow superior to him because i have not succumbed to the pressure of smoking that he has?
it was a dilemma i couldn't find a way out of, and i asked n for advice. he helped me awaken to the fact that as long as i was unaware of what circumstances had led him into that smoking state, i couldn't really consider myself on higher ground. for what if i had been put through the same circumstances? how was i to tell if i would have been stronger than him or not?
my mind has gone back to this conversation more than a hundred times since (i don't exaggerate). and more than a hundred times, i have instructed myself to not be judgmental because i just did not know enough. although my head was listening, my heart still needed to come around and absorb the voice of reason...
until today. this afternoon, as i left south hall and headed home, i looked around me, doing my favorite exercise of trying to step into the shoes of all those i saw. and suddenly, i saw this young student staring at the ground and smoking away. before an actively processed thought could pass through my mind, i was shocked by my gut. i found myself thinking, with naught but love and compassion, "i wonder what circumstances led him to this smoking state."
this is much bigger to me than just a change in perspective - it is a reinforcement of a somewhat shaky belief (thus far) that instinct can be trained. today, i believe it. for now i have seen it happen. a judgment i believed i was wedded to just crumbled before my eyes. a miracle, and not just an ordinary one at that. or so i believe.
it was a dilemma i couldn't find a way out of, and i asked n for advice. he helped me awaken to the fact that as long as i was unaware of what circumstances had led him into that smoking state, i couldn't really consider myself on higher ground. for what if i had been put through the same circumstances? how was i to tell if i would have been stronger than him or not?
my mind has gone back to this conversation more than a hundred times since (i don't exaggerate). and more than a hundred times, i have instructed myself to not be judgmental because i just did not know enough. although my head was listening, my heart still needed to come around and absorb the voice of reason...
until today. this afternoon, as i left south hall and headed home, i looked around me, doing my favorite exercise of trying to step into the shoes of all those i saw. and suddenly, i saw this young student staring at the ground and smoking away. before an actively processed thought could pass through my mind, i was shocked by my gut. i found myself thinking, with naught but love and compassion, "i wonder what circumstances led him to this smoking state."
this is much bigger to me than just a change in perspective - it is a reinforcement of a somewhat shaky belief (thus far) that instinct can be trained. today, i believe it. for now i have seen it happen. a judgment i believed i was wedded to just crumbled before my eyes. a miracle, and not just an ordinary one at that. or so i believe.
7 comments:
Wow.
Even after knowing the circumstances though, which are often not bad, I find I cannot be judgemental because there are plenty of pressures/temptations that I succumb to. Noone is perfect.
shruthi: am always happy to see you here :). as for the "wow" - it was a pretty "wow" situation for me. i've been thinking a lot about change and how it will only be convincing if my instinctual responses are fundamentally altered. this is one of the first really stark realizations of that.
adu: right - that's what n was also alluding to in the part about "how do i know i would not have reacted similarly or worse in the same situations?"
no one is perfect, but everyone can strive to be.
No my point is, even if you know exactly the situation and the circumstances, and you *know you would not have reacted the same way*, it is still easy to not judge, because there are plenty of non-stressful situations and circumstances where we fail to be "perfect" beings. E.g. we may not exercise even when told repeatedly that it is good for our health, we may eat croissants and fried food even when told repeatedly that they are not good for our health.
I think that keeping in mind one's own failings (even as one works on them) helps one be a more humble and compassionate person.
Besides which, different peoples' notions of "perfection" may differ.
ok, i understand what you meant now. and yes, i agree.
people's definitions of 'perfection' are indeed all different. i don't think any two people could agree 100% on one definition. so what that definition is is not really what's important. what's important (imho) is the process of striving for whatever one thinks *is* perfect.
exactly -- what's important is striving towards one's own definition of perfection, *and* imo, not judging other people for their definitions because in the end noone really knows the truth value of any absolutes.
not judging goes without saying... but i wonder if n would have something to say here.
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