on being too nice
this is a topic oft visited in conversations, especially with d, and i thought it was time to lay down some thoughts. he has often called people too nice. and that raises the question, quite naturally - is there such a thing as being too nice? the truth, as always, is that we don't fundamentally disagree. we just like to use different words to articulate ourselves :).
i think it is important to be that nice. to be too nice. as nice as one can find it in one's nature to be. there is another need of the soul to be fulfilled though, that may speak to the problems that seem to arise from being 'too' nice. and that need is to be strong and sincere. as i had posted several months ago, we must act in due consideration of our hearts and intellects. love and reason must go together. of course, i could continue on this thread, but it may be a better idea to read the gita directly :). it has a lot to say on this theme.
to know to feel is important. earlier, my course of action would have been to try to curb my degree of feeling, whenever i found myself in a state of unease. now, i realize that feeling is good. it's great. i never run out of compassion, i find, as long as i keep the feeling alive. the key is to embrace reason at the same time. at all times. i like to think of it as the salt one has already added to one's cooking. if there is too little, one needs to add more. if it's just right, excellent. if there's too much, however, the solution is not to pull out the grains of salt, but to neutralize the salt through other means. the only way is to be strong in the mind and strong in the heart, at the same time.
and now for the personal touch: i too have been too nice, with a strong heart and a weak, weak mind. then entered forces into my life to tell me that i was too nice to be interesting. that my standards weren't high enough because i liked everyone and everything. that my view of the world was too naive and simplistic. (and this is what happens when the mind is weak -) i crumbled. i wanted to be a 'cooler' person. and of course, we know the power of wanting to be. in came gushing a set of distinctions, a sense of discrimination, a desire to set the self on higher ground.
imagine being pulled into a vortex, going through a heaven-help-me phase, and then being pulled out of it. that is where i stand today. and i stand with a firm resolve that i will never stop myself from being 'too' nice (assuming i am ever that!). that instead, i'll always embrace the need for greater strength of the mind.
being nice or doing good in themselves are insufficient. they must be accompanied with a conscious effort and understanding towards the goodness. that is, one's 'niceness' cannot merely be a function of one's circumstances. it must be despite one's circumstances. as children we are born with infinite capacities for love and trust. as we grow, we are exposed to challenges that make us more aware of tendencies such as greed, anger, etc. the goal then becomes to wade through it all with a sense of righteousness and reason, and come face to face with our fundamental goodness, to recognize ourselves. love with reason is strong love, harder to weaken, harder to influence. it's the kind of stuff truly nice people are made of.
i think it is important to be that nice. to be too nice. as nice as one can find it in one's nature to be. there is another need of the soul to be fulfilled though, that may speak to the problems that seem to arise from being 'too' nice. and that need is to be strong and sincere. as i had posted several months ago, we must act in due consideration of our hearts and intellects. love and reason must go together. of course, i could continue on this thread, but it may be a better idea to read the gita directly :). it has a lot to say on this theme.
to know to feel is important. earlier, my course of action would have been to try to curb my degree of feeling, whenever i found myself in a state of unease. now, i realize that feeling is good. it's great. i never run out of compassion, i find, as long as i keep the feeling alive. the key is to embrace reason at the same time. at all times. i like to think of it as the salt one has already added to one's cooking. if there is too little, one needs to add more. if it's just right, excellent. if there's too much, however, the solution is not to pull out the grains of salt, but to neutralize the salt through other means. the only way is to be strong in the mind and strong in the heart, at the same time.
and now for the personal touch: i too have been too nice, with a strong heart and a weak, weak mind. then entered forces into my life to tell me that i was too nice to be interesting. that my standards weren't high enough because i liked everyone and everything. that my view of the world was too naive and simplistic. (and this is what happens when the mind is weak -) i crumbled. i wanted to be a 'cooler' person. and of course, we know the power of wanting to be. in came gushing a set of distinctions, a sense of discrimination, a desire to set the self on higher ground.
imagine being pulled into a vortex, going through a heaven-help-me phase, and then being pulled out of it. that is where i stand today. and i stand with a firm resolve that i will never stop myself from being 'too' nice (assuming i am ever that!). that instead, i'll always embrace the need for greater strength of the mind.
being nice or doing good in themselves are insufficient. they must be accompanied with a conscious effort and understanding towards the goodness. that is, one's 'niceness' cannot merely be a function of one's circumstances. it must be despite one's circumstances. as children we are born with infinite capacities for love and trust. as we grow, we are exposed to challenges that make us more aware of tendencies such as greed, anger, etc. the goal then becomes to wade through it all with a sense of righteousness and reason, and come face to face with our fundamental goodness, to recognize ourselves. love with reason is strong love, harder to weaken, harder to influence. it's the kind of stuff truly nice people are made of.
1 comment:
Dear BFF, as I was skimming through the posts I'm far too behind on the title of this one caught my eye. I found your reflections on too niceness quite interesting.
I'm not sure that I agree that being nice is insufficient in and of itself, but I would say that all virtues must be properly balanced... at least, that stems from the fundamental belief in the importance of balance that I have gained from doing yoga.
I do think we should all aspire to being "too" nice... but from where stems the qualifier?
We must balance our niceness, as you say, with strength of character. That is, we should not allow ourselves to be trampled as we seek to be nice to others.
I also absolutely agree that true niceness must involve sincerity. I think this is where many people go wrong. They try to project an image of niceness, but it may come off seeming fake, saccharine, insincere. I probably shouldn't be judging them as such, but one can sense when someone is being sincere.
Being nice also doesn't mean being naive, because, as you say, "one's 'niceness' cannot merely be a function of one's circumstances. it must be despite one's circumstances."
I particularly appreciated your observation about this tension between being perceived as nice and uninteresting. Perhaps there's some truth to that, that many people get bored with people they perceive as being too nice. On the other hand, I could imagine a world in which everyone were nice to everyone, sincerely and strongly so... how much more time we would have for other interesting things, like the arts/sciences, etc., when we didn't have to play petty games and get caught up in backbiting. I'm also reminded of the "cool" "popular" kids in high school... how many of them were kind of nasty in how they treated others. I never really had a desire to be "cool" in that way. Why is it that to be "cool" we must make others less than ourselves, be discriminating, as you say? Maybe it's a matter of how we discriminate. I don't think being nice necessarily means being unobservant or naive about other people's negative qualities. Rather, I think it means not focusing on them and instead focusing on the really loveable parts.
There's much more I could say, but I must get going for now. I will definitely continue to cogitate on your post.
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