on anger
i did have quite a temper growing up, and somewhere along the way accepted this as an immutable character trait - a congenital defect of a kind. as i look back, i recall a number of instances where i'd lose my temper, then follow it with a 'this is who i am, i cannot help it' explanation. i did not mean ill; i really did believe there was nothing i could do about it. i wonder now if the ego played its part in giving it a warm, cushy abode to live in comfortably.
and then many months ago, i fell in love with the writings of tnh. as i read book after book, i found myself more driven, more inspired. to change, to become the kind of person i wanted to become but had not believed i could. one day, when i was at half-price books looking for more tnh books, i found anger. i bought it. i remember feeling uber-embarrassed as the cashier charged me for it, not being able to let go of the thought that she must disapprove of my need to purchase this book. i was well-ensconced in the tight confines of fear.
i read the book within the next day or so, and loved it. but was unable to talk about it for a few days. when i bravely 'confessed' my purchase to a close friend, i was greatly surprised to hear that she too was interested in reading the book because she (thought she) had an anger problem. i still remember the sense of relief when i told myself that i wasn't the only one on earth with this problem (imagine the suffering that weight must have caused!).
then yesterday, i saw this post. i found myself stunned again to discover that a person i consider to be one of the most loving, most patient, and most giving people i know ever had an anger problem. i nostalgically identified with several parts of the post - the problem, the recognition of it, the desire to transform it, and the experience of looking back upon it. it has been a journey to remember, for me as well.
this experience of transforming the anger, or rather, the several small experiences of transforming it, gradually and increasingly, have been instructive to no small degree. this tremendous journey helped me learn that the strongest of weeds can be uprooted within, the greatest of urges are mutable, and mere belief and resolve are sufficient for the cause. it helped me learn, also, that the world we see and respond to is a projection from within, and when we bring about a change within, the world changes along with. it has been a liberating find indeed that it takes a mere tuning of our inner radio to experience unconditional peace and happiness.
and then many months ago, i fell in love with the writings of tnh. as i read book after book, i found myself more driven, more inspired. to change, to become the kind of person i wanted to become but had not believed i could. one day, when i was at half-price books looking for more tnh books, i found anger. i bought it. i remember feeling uber-embarrassed as the cashier charged me for it, not being able to let go of the thought that she must disapprove of my need to purchase this book. i was well-ensconced in the tight confines of fear.
i read the book within the next day or so, and loved it. but was unable to talk about it for a few days. when i bravely 'confessed' my purchase to a close friend, i was greatly surprised to hear that she too was interested in reading the book because she (thought she) had an anger problem. i still remember the sense of relief when i told myself that i wasn't the only one on earth with this problem (imagine the suffering that weight must have caused!).
then yesterday, i saw this post. i found myself stunned again to discover that a person i consider to be one of the most loving, most patient, and most giving people i know ever had an anger problem. i nostalgically identified with several parts of the post - the problem, the recognition of it, the desire to transform it, and the experience of looking back upon it. it has been a journey to remember, for me as well.
this experience of transforming the anger, or rather, the several small experiences of transforming it, gradually and increasingly, have been instructive to no small degree. this tremendous journey helped me learn that the strongest of weeds can be uprooted within, the greatest of urges are mutable, and mere belief and resolve are sufficient for the cause. it helped me learn, also, that the world we see and respond to is a projection from within, and when we bring about a change within, the world changes along with. it has been a liberating find indeed that it takes a mere tuning of our inner radio to experience unconditional peace and happiness.
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