the good and the bad

today is one of those days i could do without, yet really do with at the same time. as long as it comes about once a decade. thought of change was prime in my mind, and as i revisited my utterances from the past, i realized how deeply grateful i was to have outgrown many things. the evolution from immaturity to maturity, as far as it may be identified, is a blessing. it really is. the afore-mentioned fear of stagnation, and that of non-irreversibility of positive and constructive change, have left my vicinity. and this is why it helps sometimes to step into one's past. this is why it helps one thus to learn.

as i read, i found myself repeatedly experience goose-flesh. it seemed not to end. words are preserved as is, thanks to technology. a wonder, in fact, that phone-calls and in-person conversations haven't found visual penetration into our lives yet. as i read thoughts, words, sentences, mails, my reflexes took me through a roller-coaster ride of sadness. i wanted dearly to go back and undo all the harm done, all through my living years. i wanted to heal each wound with boundless love, transform every tear to a smile, give not take, you get the picture. i was even so generous (ahem, bargaining here) as to grant that i would willingly be brought back to my present state of affairs, where the karmic laws still act based on my original unworthy actions, if only i could undo. alas, this is not to be either. what this leaves one with, after one does the math, defines regret. this is the bad.

but there is more, with this regret, in the ability to regret. and this is the good. as i turn back the pages of time, i realize that my lessons lead me seamlessly to where i stand today. that i can look back and feel that penetration of sorrow, that i can find my eyes grow wide with shock as i read the words that came so naturally once, that i am discerning enough to count on multiple hands the multiple levels i was faltering on, i am oh, so grateful.

and so i accept.

i accept the path
i had to tread,
there was no other way.
blind i walked
where i was led,
my vision 'twas astray.
too bad, too bad
my soul does cry,
alas, what can be done?
the past is gone,
but oh, my friend,
tomorrow brings the sun.