there is no end. or is there?

don't talk of ends. there is no end. everything lives forever. that notebook that i wrote my music notes in. the sound of the rain that fell outside the window as we sang "listen to the rhythm of the falling rain" in the main school auditorium back in seventh grade. that best friend from college i have not seen nor spoken to in years. that undergraduate degree i obtained years ago. and the camera i took pictures with when i was 8, no longer in use. yes, things do change form, but they all live forever. thoughts live forever, in a deep dark corner of our minds that we may sometimes revisit. or maybe not. people live forever - those people that we have known - even when they have departed from their physical form and left the world as we see it with our naked eye.

and yet, everything is impermanent. everything has a beginning and everything has an end. that time spent in school, time spent as a child playing hide and seek with the other children in the neighborhood. learning calculus. walking to school on snow-ridden mornings. they all began. they all came to an end. indeed, nothing is permanent.

how berkeley...

today, i left the i-house (after a most interesting first meeting with another graduate student) in the afternoon to head to a meeting at the i-school (ha ha, i-house, i-school!). it was raining and i was grateful for having carried my umbrella. as i walked, protectively pulling the sides of the umbrella so that the wind wouldn't blow it away, i saw a girl lying face-up on the stretch of grass outside kroeber hall. she just lay there in the wet grass, arms and feet stretched out, eyes closed, no umbrella/raincoat/nothing. completely unperturbed by the wind, the rain, she embraced the wetness - of the raindrops, the grass - and the windiness. me and my efforts to close myself in vs. she and her efforts to open herself out. hm.

was it just her? was it berkeley? and another reinforcement of ways in which one can be?

the fourth mindfulness training

The Fourth Mindfulness Training is about the way we communicate. Our speech can be powerful, or we can be shouting in the wind. Never in the history of humankind have we had so many means of communication - email, cell phones, faxes, television, radio, newspapers - but we still remain distant islands. There is so little real communication between the members of one family, between the individuals in society, and between nations. This is because we don't know how to listen to each other. We have little ability to hold meaningful conversation. The door of true communication has to be opened again. When we can't communicate, there's no circulation; we get sick, and as our sickness increases, we suffer and we spill our suffering on other people.

Speech can be constructive or destructive. Mindful speaking can bring real happiness; unmindful speech can destroy life. When someone tells us something that makes us healthy and happy, that is the greatest gift she can give. The Fourth Mindfulness Training also shows us that mindful speech goes together with listening deeply to others. We listen with all our attention and compassion; we are really there to receive what the other person needs to say. Our only intention is to help the other person feel safe enough to open her heart and find relief from her suffering.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Power

and the inverse

while the words of george eliot are beautiful and touching and i believe we could/should all strive to achieve their realization, we must also look at their inverse. not only should we add to the lives of people, we should also not subtract. not only should we add some good, we should not add any bad. and not only should we add a kindly thought, we should avert ourselves from adding a not-so-kindly one. that goal, perhaps, is a lot harder?

the energy of prayer

indeed, my life feels transformed by the teachings of thich nhat hanh. here is a short excerpt from the energy of prayer:

In Buddhism, we have learned that everything is impermanent, which means that everything can change. Today we are in good health and tomorrow we are in ill health. Today we are in ill health and tomorrow our ill health might no longer be here. Everything goes in accord with the law of cause and effect. Therefore, if we have a new energy, a new insight, a new faith, we are able to open a new stage in the life of our body and our mind. When we sit down to practice unifying our body and our mind, and we bring our energy of love to our grandmother, to an elder sister, or a younger brother, then we are producing a new energy. That energy immediately opens our heart. When we have the nectar of compassion and have established communication between the one who is praying and the one being prayed to, then the distance between Plum Village and Hanoi does not have any meaning. This connection can't be estimated or described in words; time and space cannot present any obstacles.

We and God are not two separate existences; therefore the will of God is also our own will. If we want to change, then God will not stop us from changing. The poet Nguyen Du put it like this:

When necessary the heavens will not stand in the way of humans.
The result of past actions can be lifted
future causes and conditions can be created.

connections?

as i walked back home from class at 10.30am today (thank you, god, for wednesdays :), and as i walked past sather gate, my mind wandered back to a long-forgotten incident. on a sunny afternoon about eight years ago, i was studying on one of the many stretches of grass in the adorable berkeley campus. a calpirg volunteer approached me and asked if she could take a few minutes of my time. i was happy to talk with her, and she explained to me what calpirg was all about. she asked if i'd be willing to donate a small amount to calpirg for the rest of my semesters at berkeley. perhaps i was feeling unduly generous then, i don't know, but i happily consented with the belief that my money went to a good cause.

i haven't thought about that incident a whole lot in the last eight years, but i thought of it today, and continued to walk through lower sproul, when a girl with a pleasant smile came up to me and said hi. my heart warmed to her immediately and i responded likewise. she asked "have you ever pledged to calpirg before?" i continued to smile, said "yes i have" and walked on, marveling at the quaint coincidences life sometimes brings our way - all too occasionally :).

to make this life worthwhile

"May every soul that touches mine, be it the slightest contact, get therefrom some good, some little glance, one kindly thought, one aspiration yet unfelt, one bit of courage for the darkening sky. One gleam of faith to brave the thickening ills of life, one glimpse of brighter skies beyond the gathering mists to make this life worthwhile. "
- George Eliot

interviewing and expressing

yesterday, in a lecture on interviewing and being interviewed, our professor asked us what our own thoughts were on both. among other things, we discussed how sensitive the interviewee becomes to the intentions of the interviewer - feeling acutely aware of their body language, their feedback to responses, etc. the professor's conclusion was that when we interview, we should give constant positive feedback to the interviewee so that they feel the positive energy and are motivated to provide energetic answers.

another one of those places where expression and positive-ness show up as uber important. life has found me a numerous set of instances in recent days that have reinforced the essential-ness of positive words, and the power they have in maintaining a sense of harmony with the world around us. i will post on that more later. tnh has some great things to share on this subject as well.

on statements of purpose

i have been to grad school so many times now, and written so so many different statements of purpose. why does god not give us homework? why is there no graduate school that he takes us into? where we each must write our own statements of purpose to get in? i am training myself now - to write my statement of purpose for life. yes, indeed it may change every month as my statements for school have. but i need a draft, no? before i can re-edit every month or year?

om namo narayanaya

for a while now, i've been thinking about the power of prayer. c posted on this today and it got me thinking. i've discovered myself that the positive vibrations generated by prayer are incredible. in recognition of our oneness, i would go so far as to say that the prayers we say for each other just as well find their way to their destinations. god listens to us all (for indeed we are one), accepting these vibrations from whence we transfer them. ultimately, it is incumbent upon us to be sincere in our pursuits, to ask deeply, ask well. to ask for direction, not outcomes. to ask for greater strength, not fewer trials. to ask that we be worthy of that which is given to us, not that we are given more than our worth. when the good lord has time at hand, he will weigh our deeds against our gifts. may our deeds win in the end, or we will have our share of suffering to partake of when the undeserved gifts are taken away. so when we pray, may we keep all these thoughts in mind and pray justly. i believe it is then that our prayers will be answered.

iqbal's poetry

1. KharadmandoN se kya poochooN ke meri ibtada kya hai
   Ke mein is fiqr mein rehtaa hooN mera intehaa kya hai
   
   
2. Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqdeer se pehle
   Khuda bande se khud pooche, bataa teri razaa kya hai

i.e.:
how do i ask the intellectuals where my beginning lies?
i am constantly in a dilemma wondering what my end will be.
make your self so strong that before every destiny -
the lord himself comes and asks - tell me, what is it you desire?

shubha deepavali

may this day bring to you all joys anew, and may it put an end to that which is best put an end to :). may we each be strong and follow our inner light - the light that hafiz talks of here (thank you c, for sharing this beautiful composition with me):

My Brilliant Image

One day the sun admitted,
I am just a shadow.
I wish I could show you
The Infinite Incandescence
That has cast my brilliant image!
I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in darkness,

The Astonishing Light
Of your own Being!

may the force be with you

at this unearthly hour, before i go to bed, i had a tremendous urge to send positive vibrations out to the world. there is a law about positive vibrations, as there is (or isn't) about love and compassion, they must be passed on as soon as they are assimilated. i send them, hence, to all those of you who read these words. may the good lord give you strength to become who you wish to become. and if only for a few moments (and certainly as long as you can) may you live up to dubois's challenge.

good night. diwali wishes are on the horizon.

i seek

answers... to questions i know not....

carbon copies?

how similar are we all? how different are we? if we look deep within, to the core of our soul, are we fundamentally identical? i can't stop wondering. is it merely that we are roughly the same, and therefore can relate to each other in moments that we understand? or is it that we are really identical on the core, and just have different ways of expressing ourselves to others?

(seeking food for thought. i.e. food for further thought, since this may, in itself, count as food for thought.)

sometimes i may forget

but truly, berkeley is beautiful. as i drove back from dropping a off at a friend's place, i allowed the sunshine and the fall colors to sink in. yeah, the streets may not be beautiful as bowdoin, but they have a very special character. the leaves have turned all colors from shades of green to yellow, orange, and red. the sunshine and the shadows it left offered a breath-taking view on this barely-10-minute drive. i am grateful to be here - in this place, at this moment in time.

as i drove, i also pondered over the power of now. humans have free will, yes, and the choice to act as we believe, according to our innermost voice. but we are limited by the fact that this action may only take place in the now, the very present moment. yet, at every moment we think so of the past that we cannot change and of the future we cannot foresee. because they matter to us so much, because we simply cannot stop thinking about them in frequent moments of weakness, we should really, deeply, think about our present and all we can do today to ensure that tomorrow we will not regret this day. and maybe when we start to do that, then we can build in ourselves the confidence that tomorrow we will not regret it, because we know we do the best we can now.

of course, we all know this is true. a countless philosophers have said this over and over again. kabir's words come to mind as well. but i am really struggling to internalize this process these days. to really understand that life is equally about introspection as it is about informed action. we must think, and we must act, but most importantly, we must unify these processes so that one may not be separated from the other. so that in our thoughts is defined our action, and in our action are reflected our thoughts.

campaign.berkeley

in the heart of campus, there is a thing called the photo booth - as you walk from sather gate past dwinelle. it is a collection of photos on a gigantic bulletin board, of folks who have been associated with berkeley over the years. this set of photographs not only evokes the deepest of emotions (at least in me) for berkeley, but the captures are phenomenal. the photographer has done a brilliant job in photographing faces/expressions that make you feel like you know the person at a far more intimate level. as i showed this artifact to some friends today, i realized how powerful these photos were. you could look really deeply into the eyes of any of them and - if you looked long enough - you would sense a connection between the photo and you. i am not sure what to amaze at - the incredible power of photography, the incredible power of connections between people, or both.

i resolve to spend a few minutes at the photo booth on a regular (almost daily) basis and get to know new people everyday, albeit through their photos alone. for the photographer has done his job.

just a thought

as i drink my morning glass of milk, i am reminded of a countless days growing up - through school and undergrad when i'd refuse to drink a sip of milk without something to give it some flavor. today, there is a supreme pleasure in drinking it unadulterated (though if there are artificial ingredients in it, i suppose i just do not see them), in its original form: white and beautiful. it is a pleasure to see that some things do change, that we do break down some walls. it gives me hope.

love begets love

and so it is with compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and all things good. a proposed that one tends to attract like-minded people, and so if one is compassionate, one attracts compassionate people. i tend to take that one step further and believe that we are all like-minded beings. compassion begets more compassion, and understanding begets greater understanding. all we need to do is open ourselves to being compassionate... indeed, it is all about doing unto others as you'd have done unto you.

wow. isn't that just an amazing concept? is not this world an amazing place? that there is no law of conservation of love or of compassion? that they can grow continuously, limitlessly?

the lamp of our self

The lamp contains its oil, which it holds securely in its close grasp and guards from the least loss. Thus is it separate from all other objects around it and is miserly. But when lighted it finds its meaning at once; its relation with all things far and near is established, and it freely sacrifices its fund of oil to feed the flame.

Such a lamp is our self. As long as it hoards its possessions, it keeps itself dark; its conduct contradicts its true purpose. When it finds illumination, it forgets itself in a moment, holds the light high, and serves it with everything it has, for therein is its revelation. This revelation is the freedom that Buddha preached. He asked the lamp to give up its oil. But purposeless giving-up is a still darker poverty, which he never could have meant. The lamp must give up its oil to the light and thus set free the purpose it has in its hoarding. This is emancipation. The path Buddha pointed out was not merely the practice of self-abnegation but the widening of love. And therein lies the true meaning of Buddha's preaching.

- Tagore, in Sadhana

inspiration

is this not so beautiful? (and so lifted, from bright butterfly's blog?)

The Day Sky
-Hafiz

Let us be like
Two falling stars in the day sky.

Let no one know of our sublime beauty
As we hold hands with God
And burn

Into a sacred existence that defies -
That surpasses

Every description of ecstasy
And love.

eucalyptus grove

today, as i walked from brewed to the bart station, i walked past the eucalyptus grove. it is my favorite portion of this routine, despite the relative unsafeness of this part of campus. anyway, so today - as i walked past it, i heard beautiful music coming out of a saxophone. there was a guy sitting deep into the grove, playing on his instrument. in that moment, i felt one with that musician, the notes he played, the eucalyptus trees, the creek below.... it was an unforgettably surreal experience, with the sun where it was in the sky, that feeling of berkeley being what it is to me, and sadhana in my heart. i felt that we made a connection as i walked past, that he played those notes for me, as i walked on, among those trees, over the bridge, listening... and soon that moment was lost to time. and yet that feeling of oneness is far from being lost.

the power of writing

i am grateful, also, for the exercise of writing and of publishing. if not for it, wise words of great beings would have been lost to us forever. and the thought is moving - that one contemplative soul wrote down his thoughts on paper about a hundred years ago, and today i read his words and find them a source of an incredible strength and sense of purpose.

proof enough?

"to gain by giving away"

Thus in order to be fully conscious of the reality of all, one has to be free himself from the bonds of personal desires. This discipline we have to go through to prepare ourselves for our social duties - for sharing the burdens of our fellow-beings. Every endeavour to attain a larger life requires of man "to gain by giving away, and not to be greedy." And thus to expand gradually the consciousness of one's unity with all is the striving of humanity.

- Tagore, in Sadhana

there was a time

when, if i looked at the table of contents and found the following -

I. THE RELATION OF THE INDIVIDUAL TO THE UNIVERSE II. SOUL CONSCIOUSNESS III. THE PROBLEM OF EVIL IV. THE PROBLEM OF SELF V. REALISATION IN LOVE VI. REALISATION IN ACTION VII. THE REALISATION OF BEAUTY VIII. THE REALISATION OF THE INFINITE

i'd have wanted to shut the book and never read it again. it would have seemed way out of my league, beyond my understanding, and certainly outside of my interest.

but things are different now. the book is sadhana, by rabindranath tagore, and it has opened my eyes to a world i didn't know existed. no, let me put it differently - to a universe i knew about in some vagueness, but the pieces had never fit as beautifully, as cohesively. i read it a week ago and loved it. today, i read it again. and each time i read a segment of it, it introduces me to a whole new meaning i had failed to grasp previously.

i am grateful for/to this book.

e.g.

the iced coffee at brewed tastes pretty bad :), but i'd never have known till i tried it.

also, if i try it enough times, i bet i'll start to love it.

walled in

another thought came to mind, as i drove today. i feel that we often construct mental walls around us, sometimes with justification, sometimes without, but always unhealthily. these walls are made up of fears and dislikes, insecurities, etc. for each dislike we engender, we build in our mind a new wall. for everything we choose to look down upon, to disapprove of, we build a new wall. slowly, steadily, we find ourselves walled in. we leave ourselves very little space to move, and in that little space, we suffocate ourselves, until 1. we take the time to introspect, dig deeper, to slowly deconstruct these walls, or 2. outside forces break them down. the latter is more unfortunate, more painful, but if we chose to, we'd see it as a blessing. the hard work is done for us, in a big way. all we need to do is learn to breathe again, in the open space, without those walls.

it's worthwhile to remember though, that not all the walls may have fallen. and once we learn to cope with those that have, perhaps we could take the cue and try to break the other walls down on our own?

it's not easy

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." - Charles DuBois

this quote was just posted as a comment by a gentle reader :). it summarizes beautifully my thought process as i drove today to san jose and back, then walked up to south hall; my daily dose of thinking was quintupled, and to good purpose. the same thought plagued me over and over - when it is clear what the right thing to do is (and sometimes it isn't, but when it is), what keeps us from doing it? the answer, as c and i agreed: it's not always easy. but there are so many occasions when we find ourselves doing the harder thing, no? i mean, we train for marathons. they're not easy, but we run them - because we realize we're doing ourselves a favor. it may not be easy to keep ourselves from eating that extra brownie, but we do it - because we know that restraint is good for us. and sometimes, even going to class is not easy, but we do it for the gain of knowledge. we even go through years of being in a difficult job, because (for some reason or other) we decide it is teaching us something. so - different tasks vary in difficulty rating - but we are the better for doing them, and so we must. yep, it's really as simple as that.

the unbearable lightness of being

today, it was time to get a hair-cut. in recent days, my hair had grown so long and hard to manage, this was the only way out. i'd thought i'd go last saturday, then sunday, and finally settled on wednesday since it's my freeest day. after finishing class, i walked to panache. alas, it wasn't there. the place i'd get my hair cut eons ago no longer existed. i was heart-broken, but realized that some things do change, and there's naught one can do about it... i walked, then, back home, and stopped by studio 19 on the way. this was not a very fancy place, certainly the hair-cut came a lot cheaper. but i'm a student now, and cheap hair-cuts are good :). the lady was kind, and cut my hair like i wanted it, in spite of her own affinity for my hair (and therefore, for keeping it long). as soon as i left the salon, i could feel the lightness of being. as though a weight had been lifted off my head (and indeed it had, quite literally). i no longer need the assistance of hairclips and rubber-bands. i feel free as a bird. yep.

midterm time!

in 5 days, i will be taking my first midterm (rather, my first exam) in a long, long time. a lot rests on this exam, because - as it happens - i am only taking the class until the middle of the term. but the feeling of "having to study" for a midterm is so alien to me now. i mean, going through lecture notes 1 through 14, one by one. is that not a strange exercise? all so that i can answer the questions on this exam well. strange feeling, know what i mean? i'd like to ask god to help me do well, but i suppose it's up to me to prepare for this test first.

to be honest, though, i'd much rather be given these tests than some others!

open/close dilemma

sometimes, in life, things are easier when we close our minds to certain options, and work within those artificial constraints. it gives our life better direction when we do so, and sometimes makes certain adjustment processes easier. but, and here's the problem - that kind of closed-ness is an obstacle for the course of spiritual development. in general, any time we close ourselves to possibilities, i think that we limit a dimension of personal growth.

so, despite the hardness of it, we should continually check ourselves when we find that we're closing ourselves to options, or closing options to ourselves. the world can only be assimilated when we become one with it - with all of it. and so it is incumbent upon us to keep our minds open - at all times, all places. it can only do us good, in the long run.

on horoscopes and astrology

for as long as i can remember, i've been skeptical about astrology and horoscopes. yet, sometimes, they seem to know things one wonders about. the way i make sense of this now is this - astrology can merely detect the forces of energy (positive and negative) acting on our lives. it does not decide our future, but may indicate times of difficulty and the nature of hurdles. and then it is up to each of us - do we act with strength and pursuit and defeat these forces? or do we succumb to these forces and let them consume us? it is a choice each one of us has. and the strength to pull ourselves forth alongwith the choice is with us too. the question then becomes - which direction is our spiritual journey meant to proceed in? the answer lies within, if we only pursue it with strength of purpose.

learning to see...

I am learning to see. I don't know why it is, but everything penetrates more deeply into me and does not stop at the place where until now it always used to finish. I have an inner self of which I was ignorant. Everything goes thither now, what happens there I do not know.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

yesterday

as i was talking to a friend, he mentioned another friend p who would pray fervently that god send his way circumstances that would test him. the rest of the conversation was entirely memorable, but i'll let that remain private. for now, i dwell on this prayer.

i am fascinated because i could never dream to pray thus. in my heart of hearts, i do not wish to be tested. while that may directly translate to my not wanting to grow, i'd rather humor myself by believing that there are other ways in which i may grow. and yet, i acknowledge that no one can truly grow from others' tests as they grow from their own. but what remarkable strength it takes for one to be so, does it not? why are most of us so far from strength of that kind? what makes us so resistant to recognizing our own avenues for growth?

and if i may,

i feel i should add these in, specifically, since my thoughts find expression in these great words (again, of thich nhat hanh):

Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every one of these precepts perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words can replace practice, only practice can make the words.

"The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon."

and another thing...

...that came up in conversation was the question of setting ideals for oneself. the question was - what is the point of setting ideals if a year later you are likely to change them? well, the goal of detachment, or rather - non-attachment, comes with an essential corollary - one must not be attached to thoughts or views either. no matter how wise we may be at present, we will never be infinitely so. and no matter how much we know, if we keep our minds open, we will find that there is more to know every passing second. indeed, this is true - because we have lived one second longer and experienced something that we now know we have experienced. the more we experience that single second, i.e. by really immersing ourselves in it, the more we know; the more we grow. the more we grow, the more we evolve, and the more we change....

so yes, we must constantly make an effort to expand our knowledge of ourselves, others, and the world. we must incessantly aim for greater wisdom. and with that knowledge and wisdom, if we introspect deeply enough, we will find our views evolving, perhaps even changing polarities, some of the time, if not all of the time. the ideal of detachment certainly includes this very essential aspect.

one of thich nhat hanh's 14 precepts:

Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout our entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.

the other 13 are here.

on passion

in conversation with a friend today, i was asked if my goal of detachment involved a desire to not feel passion. but passion was not something i had pondered over enough yet, so i hesitated to use the word and make any unintrospected claims. in a subsequent effort to make sense of it, i see it merely as a surge of energy toward a particular purpose. that purpose could be a cause, could be work, could be a person, could be a dream... just as we must (well, i feel that i must, at least) aim to channel our various energies in constructive and meaningful ways, so is it with passion. we may be passionate about a cause that is destructive... if so, may we acquire the strength to veer ourselves from it and channel that energy elsewhere and more positively. on the other hand, if we do ascertain a cause that we could constructively aim to work towards, then may we be so strong as to channel our energies such that we feel passionately towards this cause.

passion, like all other 'good' and 'evil', is good and desirable when it is for a constructive, positive cause. undesirable, otherwise.

lying in bed...

...the world feels so different. this morning, when i woke up after only a few hours of sleep, i thought of all kinds of ways to make up for this lost sleep during the day. could i come back after my field visit and take a nap before the workshop? after the workshop? should i change the rest of my plans for the day? etc. i could only barely lift myself off the bed.

half an hour later, the world looks drastically different. it's a beautiful refreshing morning, am longing to leave the house, and look forward to learning a lot today, for this day has several new experiences in store for me.

it's all about the lens one uses, right? the in-bed lens and the half-hour-waking-point lens. and that makes all the difference (ref: stopping by woods...).

more about giving

luckily this is post-midnight :).

i have a question on the subject of giving... and hopefully someone can help me here. giving of oneself, while it may be good for us, may not be good for another - correct? therefore, even if i give of myself selflessly and detachedly, what if that giving is not constructive for the receiver? what if the receiver is at greater comfort not receiving? then is the giver "wrong" or the receiver "wrong"? and yes, there is no right nor wrong really, hence the quotes :).

e.g. 1: when student x shows his answers to student y in an exam, x "gives" to y. is this the best action for x? clearly not. how does this contradict this theory of giving?

e.g. 2: when person x gives alms to beggar y, does x do the right thing? why or why not?

e.g. 3: when person x chooses to give of himself to person y in love but y wishes not to receive. how does this contradict/align with the theory?

further, if doing one's duty involves not being concerned with the result of our actions, then how does one even begin to factor the receiver into the situation?

i will go to bed now, with the hope that the answers shall come to me in the morning :).
good night, world!

in truth...

it is only in giving that we receive.

and let that be the final post for the day :).

like a mother tends to a child

i was reading the teachings of thich nhat hanh, and the section on "caring for our pain" made an impact on me in particular. as you will hopefully see, these thoughts apply to varied states of mind, varied negative energies. here, i share it with you:

So every time you have an energy that needs to be transformed, like jealousy or fear, do something to care for this energy, for this negative energy, if you do not want this energy to destroy you. Touch the seed of mindfulness, and then all of its energy will be able to establish itself in your "living room", like a mother tenderly embracing your pain. ...

When the mother hears her baby crying, she puts down whatever she has in her hands, she goes into its room, and takes the baby in her arms. The moment the baby is lifted into the mother's arms, the energy of wisdom already begins to penetrate into the baby's body. The mother does not know yet what is the matter with the baby, but the fact that she has it in her arms already gives her child some relief. The baby stops crying. Then the mother continues to offer it the energy of tenderness, and during this time the mother practices deep looking [explained earlier in the book: looking with care, attention, mindfulness]. A mother is a very talented person. She only needs two or three minutes to figure out what is the matter with her baby. Maybe its diapers are a little bit too tight; maybe the baby has a touch of fever; maybe it needs a bottle? Then when the understanding comes, the mother can transform the situation immediately.

It is the same thing with meditation. When you have pain within you, the first thing to do is to bring the energy of mindfulness to embrace the pain. "I know that you are there, little anger, my old friend. Breathe - I am taking care of you now."

even the mother that he speaks of - although she may be talented - has only learned through training. would she have known these things before she was a mother? so perhaps this is a habit that - with some effort - we could inculcate in our daily lives? what is important is to be mindful and caring towards ourselves (and this ties in with the patience-towards-the-self that i discussed earlier today).

think, for instance, of checking mail. when a mail comes in, unless i am absolutely occupied, i know i will check to see whose mail it is and what it says. if it requires an urgent response, i will also respond right away. if that mindfulness, the desire and ability to attend to a cause is present, is there any reason that we should not be able to lovingly deal with our inner weaknesses? they are our weaknesses after all - and have likely been as long a part of us as we have the memory to know. perhaps if we do inculcate the habit of lovingly tending to them, our energies will be focused positively and 'good' will win over 'evil'? it's something to think about, and not that difficult, nor abstract, to practise. no?

walking to school

when i first moved to berkeley - no - when i moved to berkeley for the second time recently, i was mildly afraid of walking to and from school. after all, the resort-like atmosphere of stanford had gotten me accustomed to a leisurely walk across beautifully manicured lawns and streets. not to put down stanford's beauty, because i still love it as much :), but walking to school these days has a different kind of richness to it. meditative, but in a different fashion.

there are all kinds of people one sees on the street. last friday, i saw a man walking in front of me pretending to shoot a basketball through the hoop. there was no hoop, there was no ball, but as he walked, he repeated this gesture several times. what was the psychology that led him to do so? who was the person, what was his past like? i wondered, but i had no answers - naturally.

today as i walked past lower sproul, i saw a homeless guy lying asleep on a bench. he had a backpack with him, and a book with "lenin" written on it was lying half-open over the backpack. i wondered how that person came to be where he was. how does intellectual curiosity not die when a person has no home to live in the comfort of? is that not inspiring?

every day, there are new people to see, to walk across. life is renewing itself every day, ever offering potential for self-exploration and further thought.

for being able to walk these streets to and from school every day, i am grateful :).

on loving

as i was just discussing with n, i believe sincerely that we mustn't love 'people', we must love the goodness in them. if we love goodness, we will love all people - because everyone has a shade of goodness to them, and everyone has potential for considerable good. indeed, there are no bad people, though some of us may need to work harder on getting our goodness to reflect outward. if we love this goodness, not only do we keep our spirit aligned with good, but we can better follow our dharma, in that we are better equipped to embrace the good and shun the evil (nb: my opinion of good and evil is in line with the post of a few days ago).

dof

it excites me no end to invent analogies that attempt to synchronize photography with life :).

in essence, we are all born with a very shallow depth of field. everything beyond what is immediately before us is blurry, unfocused. with a fixed focal length, there is little we can do except walk ahead. and when we do walk ahead, there is a little more that we can see. and only then do we realize that what we could make little out of just a step ago, we see with much more clarity now. and oh, it is beautiful!

the photo that currently serves as the header for my blog catalyzed this thinking process. on the extreme right, you can see the leaves that are oh, so sharply in focus. as you go leftward in the photo, you see less and less focus. indeed it would have taken me only a few steps to see them in focus. and yes, i know i would have been enraptured by their beauty.

now how to extend this analogy further, i'm uncertain :). should i stick with the fixed focus, or could it be made variable? well, first, we could go about understanding that our depth of field is indeed shallow to begin with. can we train ourselves to take those steps from where we are, so that we can learn to see beyond the immediate? can we try to change our fixed focal length? i don't know. perhaps. i'd like us to start with the confidence, however, that there is beauty beyond what we see in our immediate distance. all it takes a few steps. and those are only a matter of time.

the truth that binds us all

(although i'm trying to keep from blogging today) the thought just occurred to me that we, as humans, have little trouble connecting with other humans. imagine the extreme scenario where we're stuck on an island with one other person - would we not soon become best friends? would we not find a connection between us? and really, it is only a matter of space and time....

what i mean is - if we imagine that in some space or time (especially the future that we know nothing of) we can imagine ourselves in connection with another human - any other human, no less, does that not speak great volumes of the deep connection that we all share with each other? does this realization, this potential truth, not then naturally aid us in building more compassion, more empathy towards each other? and in fact, with one and all?

for those of us who need it, i think this might give the additional incentive to be kind and just to one and all. to treat with love everyone who we know and do not know. it could only do us good.

no?

on patience

as i lay in bed awake, early this morning, i had this post completely written out in my head. now i try to recreate it to the extent possible.

if virtues could somehow be ranked in an order of preference, i think patience would come somewhere close to the top, if not the very top. in fact, coming closer to becoming patient helps us acquire several other virtues that we may otherwise have trouble incorporating in our lives. so how do we go about becoming more patient?

well, we could start with our own lives. the more patient we are with ourselves, the more we allow ourselves to grow - in myriad ways. our conscience becomes clearer, we become less agitated, less desperate to make a difference. we understand our shortcomings better and learn to work with them. we do not strive for impossible changes in short periods of time, because when we are patient, we do not rush time. thus, we become more honest with ourselves, more understanding and loving, and forgiving with ourselves. this is not, of course, to say that we are excessively lenient with our faults. rather, we try to work at them as a parent must work with a child. with patience.

once we are patient with ourselves, i feel that patience will automatically extend to being patient with other people. but if not, it can be a focused effort in itself. just as we have our shortcomings, others have theirs too. not to say that we are not all always trying to become better people. but this process takes time. we must give others this time. no matter how much we may want our child to talk to us on day one of being born, it doesn't because it cannot. somehow that inability is easier for us to understand than the inabilities of other adults. somehow we are more forgiving of it, fundamentally, but that's not ideal. instead of keeping expectations from other people to behave in a particular manner, and feeling impatient when they don't, we should allow them their time to do, to grow, to know. it is always preferable to give them the benefit of doubt than to not. doesn't everything have a reason? well, they probably do too. if we are more patient with others, we embody kindness, forgiveness and understanding. they too become more inclined to being more honest and sincere. it is an upwards spiral, no doubt.

finally, it is perhaps most important to exercise patience with life - that which is outside the control of people. first, we must understand that there are things beyond our control. that these take their own time. if we are more patient with these outside forces, we come to accept that (as an earlier post says from the bible) there is a time for everything. when we understand that these forces are outside of our control, we can more easily surrender ourselves to their power. and only then can we align ourselves with them and understand what action we must take in their wake. when it rains, for instance, we may not like the rain one bit - but what would we gain at all from being impatient with it? it is best to not try to fight it, for that would be in vain. we can - instead - carry an umbrella with us and deal with rain the best we can, but only if we align ourselves and not fight it. so it is with many situations in life, small and big. that these forces exist and act upon us helps to preserve our humility (which is uber-important). that we allow ourselves to accept these forces and align ourselves with them equips us with greater resilience.

not only is patience the preferred mode of action, it is almost essential to build it into ourselves if we wish to go through lives in a joyful, peaceful fashion. the good thing is - we can take it one step at a time. further, we'll have enough instances to practise on, on any given day :).

photo capture

have i ever told you that i absolutely, absolutely love to take pictures? the exercise transports me from the finitude of reality to the infinity of beauty. and if in every few hundred pictures, there is one that i will look at again and again and feel that sigh, they will all have been worth the while. truly, how beautiful this world is... it's the most beautiful world in the universe!

(until i get to see another world, of course.)

sadhana

my task today was to read sadhana, by tagore... and i am overwhelmed. the writing is exquisite and its expression so beautiful. the text is online, if any of you are interested in reading it. the previous post has select quotes which are representative of only a few of the meaningful thoughts this work contains.

from tagore

The man whose acquaintance with the world does not lead him deeper than science leads him, will never understand what it is that the man with the spiritual vision finds in these natural phenomena. The water does not merely cleanse his limbs, but it purifies his heart; for it touches his soul. The earth does not merely hold his body, but it gladdens his mind; for its contact is more than a physical contact--it is a living presence. When a man does not realise his kinship with the world, he lives in a prison-house whose walls are alien to him. When he meets the eternal spirit in all objects, then is he emancipated, for then he discovers the fullest significance of the world into which he is born; then he finds himself in perfect truth, and his harmony with the all is established.

It very often happens that our love for our children, our friends, or other loved ones, debars us from the further realisation of our soul. It enlarges our scope of consciousness, no doubt, yet it sets a limit to its freest expansion. Nevertheless, it is the first step, and all the wonder lies in this first step itself. It shows to us the true nature of our soul. From it we know, for certain, that our highest joy is in the losing of our egoistic self and in the uniting with others. This love gives us a new power and insight and beauty of mind to the extent of the limits we set around it, but ceases to do so if those limits lose their elasticity, and militate against the spirit of love altogether; then our friendships become exclusive, our families selfish and inhospitable, our nations insular and aggressively inimical to other races. It is like putting a burning light within a sealed enclosure, which shines brightly till the poisonous gases accumulate and smother the flame. Nevertheless it has proved its truth before it dies, and made known the joy of freedom from the grip of darkness, blind and empty and cold.

When we watch a child trying to walk, we see its countless failures; its successes are but few. If we had to limit our observation within a narrow space of time, the sight would be cruel. But we find that in spite of its repeated failures there is an impetus of joy in the child which sustains it in its seemingly impossible task. We see it does not think of its falls so much as of its power to keep its balance though for only a moment.

Whenever the part, spurning the whole, tries to run a separate course of its own, the great pull of the all gives it a violent wrench, stops it suddenly, and brings it to the dust. Whenever the individual tries to dam the ever-flowing current of the world-force and imprison it within the area of his particular use, it brings on disaster. However powerful a king may be, he cannot raise his standard or rebellion against the infinite source of strength, which is unity, and yet remain powerful.

So it cannot be said that we can find Brahma as we find other objects; there is no question of searching from him in one thing in preference to another, in one place instead of somewhere else. We do not have to run to the grocer's shop for our morning light; we open our eyes and there it is; so we need only give ourselves up to find that Brahma is everywhere.

the need to zoom out

what we really need in our lives is a super wide-angle zoom lens - one that works not across space but across time. when we get overly absorbed in the details of a moment, we often tend to lose perspective. we think too much about the moment, too little about the relative insignificance of it. while i could very easily make this post a lot more complex (as i try to shut out the noise), let me leave it at this - the convenience of being able to regain temporal perspective with a swift movement of the lens would do us all much good. since there isn't one on the market though, we should really try to build one for ourselves.

numbing the senses?

i'm having a difficult time trying to arrive at a fully cohesive understanding of detachment; what it really means in varied spheres of our daily life and how it may best be practised. while the overreaching objective does make sense to me, learning how to gradually proceed toward that ideal is a different beast altogether.

today, as i read chapter 2 of the bhagavad gita (on sankhya yoga), i wondered whether numbing or dulling one's senses to our environment was indeed a step toward attaining this goal. it struck me as a step that must come much later in the process of spiritual growth. that is, if today i were to numb my senses to all the forces that act around me, i may not be the happier for it. not even eventually.

as i understand it, it is important to be fully aware of the forces that act around us and on us. once we gain an awareness of these forces, we must then attempt to understand the impact of these forces within us. and only then, when we gain an awareness and understanding of the varied reactions within us, can we attempt to grow from this understanding, can we analyze who we are, where we are headed, and where we need to go.

feelings of anger, of love and hate, envy and jealousy, sadness and dejection - are bound to plague us. perhaps we were even born that way - with every individual being at a different point on the spectrum (but all pretty close). we mustn't condemn ourselves for feeling these emotions but acknowledge that they do not aid us in our path to progress, try to understand them and where they stem from. the cause necessarily lies within us, not on the outside. and that is the important point - that we can address the cause, understand it, fight it, and defeat it. it is merely a responsibility we owe ourselves, and this life that has been gifted to us.

this is one isolated thread of my understanding.

chipotle chicken

is vegetarian, they say.

now i'm not one to go about a be-vegetarian propaganda, but if there is benefit to the animals we (some of us) eat being vegetarian, then why not to us?

birthday #4

october 14th is my niece's birthday, and i cannot but be reminded of the day that she was born, four years ago. i remember driving to the hospital after she was born, where i bought her brother a t-shirt that said "i'm a big brother" :). i remember her tiny little mouth that would open so wide when she yawned. may these images never grow dim....

in a few months she had blossomed into the most adorable little baby, and it seems to me that she still gets cuter every day. because she was the littlest one, i always felt protective towards her. now that she's bigger, she's gotten pretty tough. she can hold her own in company, and is happy to be by herself as well. indeed, it is a pleasure to simply be around her. my senses are engaged in observing her alone. interaction, of course, is just as pleasing :).

my mom celebrated her birthday at home, in india, today. i do not mind missing her birthday in the slightest if she was able to spend it with nani, with streamers and presents and icing on the cake :). my own conversation with her was short and broken, but there is a warm and fuzzy feeling inside that her birthday was suitably spent. have to think of a good birthday present for her for when i go in december.

happy birthday, little princess. may this year bring you *all* that your heart desires. (i can say that, since i'm not her mom :).

a sustainable existence

when i moved to berkeley, i was struck by the sheer number of things that i owned. thinking some more about it, i realize that although a lot of these things have sentimental attachment for me - it is an attachment all the same. i'd feel guilty getting rid of things that i've been given in the past. why? because a lot of these objects speak to me of the love/consideration/generosity that various people in my life have expressed. that i value. but what would i lose if i gave away the object. only the object, right? does not that love, that consideration, that generosity remain intact in that space and time? does not my value of that love, consideration, and generosity remain intact just as well?

i have decided to practise the following for now: for every object that i purchase, i must get rid of one. this will not be a huge achievement, given the number of things i already do own, but i think it would be a step in the direction of leading a more sustainable existence. perhaps also a much-desired move towards detachment from physical possessions, even if these possessions are valuable to me only for the memories they bring (and not their use, really).

i'm in class now, and there's more along the lines of this topic that i've been pondering over. specifically - detachment. but that's a heavy subject, and it will take me some more time to articulate on.

on good and evil

I was struck when I first read this passage:

In creation there is no evil, all is good. Certain qualities and natures innate in some men and apparently blameworthy are not so in reality. For example, from the beginning of his life you can see in a nursing child the signs of greed, of anger, and of temper. Then, it may be said, good and evil are innate in the reality of man, and this is contrary to the pure goodness of nature and creation. The answer to this is that greed, which is to ask for something more, is a praiseworthy quality provided that it is used suitably. So, if a man is greedy to acquire science and knowledge, or to become compassionate, generous, and just, it is most praiseworthy. If he exercises his anger and wrath against the bloodthirsty tyrants who are like ferocious beasts, it is very praiseworthy; but if he does not use these qualities in a right way, they are blameworthy.... It is the same with all the natural qualities of man, which constitute the capital of life; if they be used and displayed in an unlawful way, they become blameworthy. Therefore, it is clear that creation is purely good.

- Abdul Baha

truth

should prosperity befall thee, rejoice not, and should abasement come upon thee, grieve not, for both shall pass away and be no more.

- baha'u'llah

inside/outside

there is a self that exists for the world and a self that exists for oneself (and perhaps those who are very, very close). what is on the outside and easily visible to the world, most of us pay much attention to. we try to get into good schools and good jobs and develop good resumes. undoubtedly it takes much work on our parts to get there, and we mustn't begrudge ourselves this effort. absolutely not. however, just as we focus on the outside, so must we focus inward. there is much that goes on inside of us; there are many forces at play. there are virtues; there are vices; good feelings and bad; positive energies and negative. indeed there is much to understand, to get to know, to work on.

certainly, we could go on through our lives without giving this inner self a thought and not feel the rub of it. but if at all we are so aware that we can sense the goings on inside, it is incumbent upon us to make sense of the madness - is it not? just as there is a steady state to water that it ever attempts to return to, so is there a steady state of our mind that we must enable/empower it to achieve. and as there are molecules in the water, so are there different trains of thought in our mind that head in different directions. slowly, but steadily, we should address each one of these trains and bring it under our control and to steady state. perhaps we could kill several birds with one stone, though sometimes each bird may take several stones. regardless, it is critical that this process never stop. we may liken each of these little tasks to a homework assignment, and we can define our own internal abstractions of degrees and such. however we do it, we should understand that it is a project we must succeed on. after all, this is a degree we must obtain. and summa cum laude.

the ideal for growth of the self, then, should be that our inside and outside grow in unison. that, indeed, they become part of the same, not parts of a dichotomy.

losing perspective

why is it so hard for us to retain perspective, to calibrate our lives in accordance with the world around us and not just relative to our own lives across time? as i walked home from school today, i saw a man furiously moving forward on his wheelchair and wondered - what if i were him? then i saw a homeless man limping along with a walking stick and wondered the same thing. there is a hospital across the street from me, and i couldn't help but feel fortunate that i was not a patient there. my mind wandered then to incidents in my own life. i once had a car accident that gave me a back/neck problem i still suffer from. occasionally. big deal. it could have been so much worse. so then why is it such a big deal? every now and then when i suffer from a cold and cough, why does it feel like such a big deal? why can i not retain this awareness of the world around me? that there are so many worse off. that i am far more fortunate than i realize, and far more fortunate than i have respect for being.

this relates, again, to attachment, expectations, taking things for granted, lack of humility, not enough gratitude, etc. - all the things i've been giving considerable thought these days. the ideal of feeling and showing gratitude for everything i have, i fear, would be very difficult to attain. somehow i need to tie this in with my heuristics on achieving permanence and the idea that everything is a gift. (see below for both posts.) maybe those will bring me closer to the ideal, one hopes.

the old persian saying comes to mind:
i wept because i had no shoes, until i saw a man who had no feet.

must we need to see someone else's sadness to inspire our own happiness? the thought makes my stomach turn. we must constantly strive to retain an awareness of the reality of this world, and an awareness of how far up along the curve we (many of us) are. i believe that it would make us fundamentally happier beings. that i am able to sit in the comfort, peace and quiet of my home and type these lines on my laptop; that i have the intellectual capacity and skill to even articulate what i think into words; that i can - in the first place - think these thoughts - these are all very serious reasons to be grateful beyond words. and really, the list does go on.

on friends

as i read more, think more, and question more - every now and then i stumble across words of wisdom that spark off another train of thought. (at this point, it is also seeming very unsustainable because my mind is bursting with a gazillion trains of thought that i am on a mission to unify/to focus.) but coming back to friendship, the wealth of the company of like-minded individuals who provide intellectual and spiritual stimulation must simply not be understated. i have found that the power of the mind is greatly enhanced by the focus that friends do contribute towards attaining.

i am grateful.

meant to be?

amazing holocaust love story lives on

...and the men and women merely players

in conversation with n today, he mentioned an analogy that his friend had discussed with him on the political condition of today. i'd like to document this analogy for the clarity that it brought, and so that i may continue to ponder over it:

imagine that every person in the world is the member of an immense orchestra. we each have our own instruments and our own specialties, but none of us are very good musicians (though we are getting better). also, the musical score we have with us currently is not the best... and, in fact, some people have lost some of their sheets of music. and so, we are on different pages of the piece we're trying to play.

also, when we play, in addition to not being as good, we don't even have that good an ear to tell when we are off. and finally, the conductor, our leader, is a conductor not for the love of music, but because he likes being a leader.

what we really need to do is all play the right score - play together, and become better musicians, and have a conductor who conducts for the love of music, and then we would all really achieve the full potential of our capacity with each of our instruments, instead of creating a cacophony. also, if we helped each other out with learning music, and finding the right pages of the musical score, things would go much faster.

those are the politicians of today. we want leaders who wish to serve humanity, not leaders who want to have power.

that was the analogy, and i'd like to think about how it applies to us as individuals. how can i, as an individual, learn to make better music? by learning to listen better? learning from those around me who have more of a direction? not playing at all? but the goal is to make music, not to be silent.

(and how does this analogy come together with or diverge from shakespeare's analogy that the post title refers to?)

of energy innate

perhaps - it is a conjecture - each of us is born with a fixed amount of energy within. innate human energy, just like hydro-electric energy, may then be channeled in various ways, and the manner in which it is channeled determines eventual efficacy. just as a big part of learning how to swim well is to make efficient use of our energy to propel ourselves forward, so is it with life. we must use the energy we are given - channel it in ways that will be constructive to us - in order to achieve our goals better. the more energy we are blessed with, the more incumbent upon us it is to work hard in order to prevent unintended misuse. if hitler's energies could have been put to good use, would not the world today have been a very different place? when we expend our energy on aimless diversions, we have less to expend on the things that really matter. outwardly, this may affect our work, our pursuit of various interests, our relationships with our peers, etc. inwardly, we lose out on honing our energies towards becoming a better human being - and who knows what we could achieve if we only tried....

vaishnava jan to...

i have sung this song many a time, but only now - i am embarrassed to admit - can i claim to understand what the song preaches. whether i can make it my own talisman is another question altogether, but it certainly serves to inspire. i share it with you here:

in gujarati:

Vaishnav jan to tene kahiye je
PeeD paraayi jaaNe re
Par-dukhkhe upkaar kare toye
Man abhimaan na aaNe re
Vaishnav...

SakaL lok maan sahune vande
Nindaa na kare keni re
Vaach kaachh man nishchaL raakhe
Dhan-dhan janani teni re
Vaishnav...
Sam-drishti ne trishna tyaagi
Par-stree jene maat re
Jivha thaki asatya na bole
Par-dhan nav jhaalee haath re
Vaishnav...

Moh-maaya vyaape nahi jene
DriDh vairaagya jena man maan re
Ram naam shoon taaLi laagi
SakaL tirath tena tan maan re
Vaishnav...

VaN-lobhi ne kapaT-rahit chhe
Kaam-krodh nivaarya re
BhaNe Narsaiyyo tenun darshan karta
KuL ekoter taarya re
Vaishnav...

in english:

One who is a Vaishnav
Knows the pain of others
Does good to others, especially to those in misery
Does not let pride into his mind

A Vaishnav tolerates and praises the the entire world
Does not say bad things about anyone
Keeps his/her words, actions and thoughts pure
O Vaishnav, your mother is blessed

A Vaishnav sees everything equally, rejects greed
Considers someone else's wife/daughter his mother
The tongue may get tired but will never speak lies
Does not even touch someone else's property

A Vaishnav does not succumb to worldly attachments
Who has devoted himself to staunch detachment from worldly pleasures
Who has been addicted to the elixir that lies in the name of Ram
For whom all the religious sites exist in the mind

Who has no greed and deceit
Who has renounced lust and anger
The poet Narsi would like to see such a person
By whose virtue the entire family attains salvation

when things are 'meant to be'

in times of uncertainty, i have oft found myself to voice the phrase "if it is meant to be...". what really does it mean? is it something quite as abstract as magic or is there more to it? i propose, hereby, a definition: when the varied forces involved in the "meant to be" situation act independently and with their intended purpose on earth, they follow their own path. when these paths intersect, the combination is "meant to be".

this sounds a little too abstract (read poorly phrased) to me, so i shall attempt to expound: there was a time when berkeley and i had been put into that box of "if it is meant to be...". but was it solely about ordinances? i think not. in this case, my path met with berkeley's (or so i believe) because there was an intersection between my chosen path and berkeley's chosen path - independently of each other's, but in harmony. perhaps this is an oversimplification of the situation, but it makes a little more sense to me. it also involves a certain channeling of a certain energy in a certain direction. ultimately, all that is in our control is that we continue to move forward, channeling our energies with a loyalty to our purpose, to our existence on this earth. this path of our movement must be defined by ourselves alone, based on our inner compass, our morals, beliefs and ideals. once we are on this path and in touch with ourselves, i believe we can be fairly confident that what is meant to be, for us, will indeed be.

to napa and back

the day was full of warm sunshine, pleasurable driving, and not enough pictures :). i was up at napa and petaluma visiting c and her family. it was a day well spent, and i am touched to have been able to share this day with her in the first place.

as i mentioned in my previous post, i thought long and hard about striving to achieve permanence. at the end of the day, i lean toward believing that there is no single way to ascertain that we achieve this permanence; at best there are heuristics that we can use. with time and vigilance, we will hopefully be able to decide for ourselves what works and what does not. a mantra, after a day of thinking, seems hard to come up with. for now, i will humbly accept that it may not even exist. (other ideas are welcome.)

humility remains at the core of my thoughts. to be in touch with oneself, one's spiritual goals and aspirations, it is critical to ever be humble - to never lose sight of the big picture. only if we realize the largeness of life outside and beyond, can we then realize how small we really are and how much we have to learn. only when we become aware of how much ground we still need to cover, can we appreciate that we are not quite 'all that'.

how do we ensure that this humility stays with us and does not disappear when times are 'good'? i believe that for a lot of us, religion plays that role. when we believe in god, we believe in a great supernatural force that is much larger than us all. in believing that each of us is god's child, we can bring ourselves to reinforce an acceptance of how small we really are. for many of us, nature also has that effect. a tryst with nature that involves any of the ocean, the california redwoods, the himalayas, etc. leaves us reasonably convinced of the ephemeral nature of our lives, and that we are but a mere speck on the face of this earth. different beliefs that work for different people. do they work without fail?

i also considered developing a mapping between our inner vices and this humility. could we not, with some training, develop an inner response system that detects the presence of a vice - be it greed, jealousy, laziness - whatever you consider a vice - and sends an alert to the brain that processes the issue and accepts fault, along with activating a realization of humility. it seems like a rather uncomplex system, given the significant importance of the desired effect. perhaps the best thing to do is to try each one of these out, and truly assess the effect each has. this will require considerable awareness and much unending introspection... but i'm beginning to get the hang of it now.

the question for today

as my mind stumbled upon this thought last evening, i resolved to allocate my free time today to thinking about it. perhaps some of you would have wisdom to share to accelerate this thought process, and so - again - i put myself 'out there':

often, life sends us lessons - challenges that we overcome (often for lack of choice more than anything else) and learn from. there is much to be learned when we are crushed, when we are forced to embrace our humility and realize who we are within. the question is - when realization does dawn, and we understand the places we lack and the (many) things we must change in ourselves - how do we ensure that the process of growth never stops? how do we keep ourselves moving forward on the path of self-realization? in the shorter run, it is easier to translate this thought into action. when we are humbled, and made cognizant of the faults that lie within us, we strive to make a change. but to not have to repeat this learning process, to not allow a retreat into our ignorance of self, we must also strive to make this change permanent. is there a mantra for this? what's your mantra?

i will think about this on my drive to and from napa :).

renewed faith

that after the darkness, must come the sun....

there is no doubt in my mind that god - that life - is ever kind. everything has a purpose, a reason. i pray that we all learn to break down our walls of ego and self-importance, and understand this simple truth. there is a value to every encounter; much to learn, but we must first be willing. there is much knowledge to be gained, but we must first open the doors for it to enter. just as there is so much beauty to behold around us, but we must first open our eyes....

turn! turn! turn!

From the Bible, Ecclesiastes III (King James Version):

3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

on meditation

a discussion on meditation had ensued in the comments to an earlier post, meditation being "god's email response" :). as i indulged in a discussion on the "technicalities" of meditation - i.e. the what, when, how of it, i began to realize more and more that there were no real technicalities. meditation is about being at peace at oneself, a state of calm that - ideally (and that's the magic word) - we carry with us no matter where we are. perhaps in a secluded spot in the quiet of home, but perhaps in a car, perhaps in a cafe, perhaps even among a crowd of people.

a put it aptly when she talked about the use of training wheels in learning to ride a bicycle. slowly we wean ourselves off of these dependencies, so that we may bike without the wheels, walk without support, cook without recipes :). and so it must be with meditation. we start with taking the aid of the quiet and non-intervention at home, but we must strive to proceed beyond that point - to achieve that peace outside of home, on crowded streets if you will, in the car while driving, in the train, everywhere.

good luck with that, 8&20.

global warming

the problem of global warming is an interesting one. at least from what i understand, it appears to be the single problem that citizens of the world are willing to solve as one. the earth may indeed be in grave danger, but in that this problem helps to bring people together in spite of their differences - i think it does considerable good. in some form or another, we all have an ideal to achieve - to use less energy, consume less, reduce our carbon footprint. scientific reasoning tells us it's the way to go, otherwise we (or our children, or our children's children) will all be doomed.

but there are no scientific facts that tell us to become better people, and how (or are there?). nothing that tells us that kindness, honesty, or love are virtues to uphold. there are no facts that say - if we each do not love x amount each day, the earth will be in danger of destruction. are there no ways for us to quantify these things? if only so that each of us may have an ideal to strive for? to show x amount of love, y amount of kindness, z amount of forgiveness in this world? until science becomes so advanced, we must strive to answer these questions at a personal level, for ourselves. like other things we own, this life too is a gift. how may we best preserve it, and with what ideals, is really the gazillion-dollar question.

children of heaven

i saw children of heaven today - a remarkably touching movie about a brother, a sister, and a relationship filled with love and sacrifice. i would not have stumbled across this movie on my own, and am grateful to n that he introduced us to it. there were many aspects that made the movie beautiful, but what moved me most was the power of love the movie seeks to portray. the thought that love can have so strong an influence so as to help us achieve feats we may otherwise shy away from, in the fear that we may not be deserving enough, never ceases to amaze me. 'tis a lesson that we must never underestimate that power, for it may lead us to achieve great things. we should pray, then, that our love be so pure as to direct us onto the path of becoming better, stronger, and wiser human beings.

on blogging, again

every now and then, i am touched and amazed by the insights people bring to me based on my blog posts. a reminder that unless one is willing to put oneself 'out there', one could easily miss out on the beautiful thoughts that people could brighten one's life with. is this along the lines of "giving of oneself"? i think so. giving of material possessions is easy to do, easy to live with, and easy to get over. when one shares oneself with the world, with mankind, one opens a channel of communication that goes both ways. and who is to limit the lessons we can learn, then?! and perhaps, there is a chance, that what we share with the world could help them learn some of their lessons better? presumptuous, but there is a chance. we must not squander it.

blogging is essential :). hence, proved.

and on giving

while i'm on gibran still, i feel tempted to post excerpts of his other words as well. here is what he says about giving. so beautifully put:

Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;

And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving

And is there aught you would withhold?

All you have shall some day be given;

Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."

The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.

And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?

And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?

See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.

For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.

Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;

For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father.

the prophet

am reading "the prophet" right now, and some of the words of gibran go straight to the heart (pardon the effect). here is (a bit of) his bit on self-knowledge which i found especially moving -

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

a gift

i'm coming to realize that everything we have in life is something that is given to us. it is a gift. be it a person we love, a thing we love, or even an object of utility value. nothing was ours to begin with, so whatever is with us today - is a gift to be preserved and nurtured. we are the current caretakers of all that is ours today, before we hand it over to the next intended caretaker. i do not know what the right or wrong thing to do is, in each case, but in my limited wisdom - i feel that we have a responsibility toward each gift that we have in our possession today. it will not be ours forever... tomorrow we may hand it over to another, or it may be taken from us. so while we do have it, we should tend to it with great care and preservation. we mustn't abuse, nor throw away. we must value it for what it is worth, not take it for granted. a pillow, for instance, may only be an object, but it grants me much comfort when i need it - in the night. i feel i have a responsibility to treat that pillow with the respect it duly deserves. do i make sense? and so, i think, it is with all life's things. today, as they say, is a present - to make the most of or to throw away.

and then again, the goal is not to be attached in our preservation. for every object, every person in our life has a purpose. when that purpose is fulfilled, we must graciously withdraw from ownership. so that another may prosper. how to determine that the purpose is fulfilled... is another story altogether.

The Little Prince

has been reread. I loved the same parts of the book that I had loved all the previous times that I read it. It touches one deep within, I feel. I am touched as ever by the uniqueness of the flower in the little prince's life, and the story of the fox and his taming - and the color of the wheat fields golden like the little prince's hair. But must one allow oneself to be sad at the going away of a loved one thus? Perhaps it is okay...

The secret that the fox shares with the prince still gives me something to think about - it is only with the heart that one can see; what is essential is invisible to the eye. How true.

IX

...
The little prince also uprooted, a little sadly, the last baobab shoots. He believed he would never be coming back. But all these familiar tasks seemed very sweet to him on this last morning. And when he watered the flower one last time, and put her under glass, he felt like crying.
"Good-bye," he said to the flower.
But she did not answer him.
"Good-bye," he repeated.
The flower coughed. But not because she had a cold.
"I've been silly," she told him at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy."
He was quite surprised that there were no reproaches. He stood there, quite bewildered, holding the glass bell in midair. He failed to understand this calm sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower told him. "It was my fault you never knew. It doesn't matter. But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy ... Put that glass thing down. I don't want it anymore."
"But the wind ..."
"My cold isn't that bad ... The night air will do me good. I'm a flower."
"But the animals ..."
"I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies. Apparently they're very beautiful. Otherwise who will visit me? You'll be far away. As for the big animals, I'm not afraid of them. I have my own claws." And she naively showed her four thorns. Then she added, "Don't hang around like this; it's irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go."
For she didn't want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower ....

books

i made, today, a much needed visit to borders. purchased "zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" and my own copy of "the little prince". the little prince is a book that has touched my heart for many years. almost every year of high school i found that reading it revealed new insights into human nature that i had not recognized before. i read it again now, in an effort to reconnect with that self of yore, as also to ascertain lessons that i may have failed to learn in the many years that the book was put aside.

a time to remember

a and i just had a long, stretched-out conversation about ideals and purposes and comparisons and not. i cannot sum into one post the import of it all, but i do want to mark this conversation so as not to forget it. while it simply opened a pandora's box of questions and offered very few answers, i find i have fodder for thought for whenever i am bored (and perhaps for napa this weekend!). a beautiful feeling :).

the conversation started with a "what does love mean to you?". i urge you all to share with me your answers.

too bad...

god doesn't have email :(. there are things i'd like to have said....

the progression of time

i cannot believe it's october already. where did all the other months go? what about july? i hardly ever experienced july. even august is a blip. and september flew by all too quickly. this feels rather unfair! i also do not appreciate the fact that every year must come to an end. i do not want this one to. and in general, i don't think years need an end in the first place. can we not just have months go on, like user ids or social security numbers? i wouldn't mind, at all, if months went into hundreds and thousands. like this one, for instance, could simply be month 24,379. and that would be great.

and then, we could become even more advanced, and not end months either (though that appears to me to be less complicated/tedious/painful). we could just have minute 231,543,367. and then the next, and the next. what do people think?

of prayers

why doth thou tempt me thus with thy writings?

i grew up in a convent school where these prayers were oft recited. st. francis of assisi was the saint our school owed its existence to. i am surprised that i needed to be reminded of these words, and touched that i was. is it not funny and strange and absolutely fascinating - all at the same time - how we seek recognition and appreciation of our state of mind in the words of philosophers of the world and find with them deep satisfaction?

6th year in a row

today was freshers welcome. much as i had planned not to attend, i somehow ended up in it. it's one of those things you wonder about, when you think of how things turn out - how some things so unexpectedly happen because they are destined to. it's just the way life is.

i also sang today after what felt like a too-long hiatus. and one of my favorite songs too - tumse hi pyaar. how it really went, i cannot tell - am waiting to see the recording. but it felt assuredly wonderful. made me wonder how i could have kept myself away from singing for so long.

felt a deep, fulfilling feeling to reconnect with familiar faces. even people i had barely known, barely met, were a pleasure to see. even people i may not always have been terribly fond of ;). needless to say - that is not true anymore. i think that there is no shortage of beautiful people in this world. i am convinced that, with beauty, it really is as simple as - "seek, and ye shall find."

a problem

there is a problem though. i wish i could pick my fonts when i blogged. georgia and trebuchet are not bad, but certainly not my favorites (by any means). with my newly developed (though now old) font ocd, i fear my standards for fonts may have risen. but what does that mean? will i never be able to blog in peace again? isn't that a scary thought?!

on writing

there is no way, i feel, to get back into writing without really getting back into writing. know what i mean? one must just do it. write a few words, align justified, and publish post. there. that's all there is to it.