happiness

i'm home. life is good.

that's all there is to it :).

zero!

i'm sitting in the los angeles international airport lounge, listening to the sound of the planes flying by. after many an adventure (at sjc and lax) i am finally on my way home. i have my boarding pass, my seat number (8a), am through the security check, and thus - all set. i will miss all the beautiful people i'm leaving behind in the bay :)... it's good to know i'll see them in three weeks' time.

take care, world. while i go tend to my other life.

two

argh! two more days. i hate this last-minute-ness of things. the quarter had finally come in control (yes, in finals week, that too), and now i have to start packing, do last-minute errands, make random deadlines, and grade on the plane. gone are my plans to read page 24 (and more) of shantaram... :(

and in general, i'd like to scream out at the world for putting me in this last-minute phase again. i don't have a long list of to-dos. not yet anyway, 'cos i have *no* list of to-dos. all i know is what other people want to do. i have no idea yet about the things i need to get done before leaving. at some point i'll pull out a suitcase and dump stuff in. but what suitcase, where, what stuff, w h e n... i haven't a clue.

i was supposed to meet about a 1000 people this week - for lunch/dinner/tea/coffee. i don't even know who they are anymore. i need a personal assistant. will someone pleeeease apply?

five

five more days, and i'll be on my way home. never mind that there are to-dos left to be checked off, errands left to be run, courage to be mustered, and bullets to be bitten. at the end of it all, i will be on my way home, and that, after all, is everything that matters.

not that i've been away from home too long. i was there the 12th of september. so really, it hasn't even been a full 3 months. but in 3 months, as i have found, much can happen. the face of the earth was very different when i had just arrived from india. there was newness in the air, in so many shapes and forms. a quarter later, i wonder if i could have (should have?) done things differently that would have made a difference.

of course, now is not the time to introspect. it is the time to finish up my third answer for going green, to finish grading problem sets 3 and 4, before i can start to grade the final exams. here and there, other things add to the list. much as i may try, it cannot not seem like the end of a quarter. this is, very much, an end. stressful still, at that.

it's a surprise that it's still monday. i feel like it was monday days ago. when i had 3 pages of my essay to write. now i'm on to greener pastures (ha, pun intended), post walk, dinner, song, and conversation, and it's still monday. well, while i'm still on monday, i'll try and get some more done.

g'night.

and finally, 8!

in fact, the references began on the ninth page, so the paper was exactly eight. yay, i'm done!

on a more serious note, i'm amazed at how i managed to survive this class and at how much it taught me. when the quarter had just started, i felt physical pain at the thought of going to class. that i had d.school right after made up for it, somewhat. the class was required, and attendance was mandatory. luckily wednesdays were "example days" so it was mostly mondays that i had to scrape past. 

when it was my turn to present a reading in the second week of class, i thought it was the end of the world and i'd find myself just staring at the class not knowing what to say. instead, my professor wrote to me to tell me i'd done a good job. later on, c and i had to do an example for "play". we somehow pulled off mafia, and it was such a success :). then i did the hanson presentation - after going prepared for five successive classes, the final one ended up okay, and the example was a great bonus. all this while, i was shocked beyond belief that i had lasted this long in this class. so shocked that i didn't realize i was actually learning about learning :).

even the thought of the paper had killed me. eight pages seemed so long and painful. but in the end, they went by fast enough, and the paper forced me to read 3/4ths of the readings for the quarter, over a span of two days. not only that, i enjoyed writing it. it's amazing what necessity can force us to achieve, really. 

i'm tired after the paper, but in perfect awe of the world... and how it makes us achieve what we set ourselves out to, albeit with a little bit of struggle.

enormous potential

things would work really well for me if my mind could be programmed to believe that all deadlines were 48 hours before when they really were. i would ace everything. brilliantly.

sigh. life is tough.

yes, and indeed there will be time

to finish the 8-page paper i must submit by tomorrow (midnight, i'm assuming). i'm done with one page so far, but that page is just the introduction. there are 7 more to write, though if i change the font, perhaps 6.5. and if i include space for references, then 6. minus the conclusion, perhaps even 5. i've taken 3 hours to write one page, another 15 and i'll be done. there are 32 hours from now until midnight tomorrow. ah, tons of time. i could even get an extension if i wanted, no problem.

ok, time to relax. phew.

and indeed there will be time

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;	25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

this poem i revisit often, and find myself stumbling upon in thought, time and time again. the verses never made complete sense to me, but i realize now, that they will make more sense, little by little, as the years progress. like this one, for instance.

the song book

in the year 1988, my parents gave my sister a new year's diary which she used as a song book. in those years there was deadly competition between us over new year diaries. we got a handful for the house and i, being the youngest, always ended up with the worst ones. (no i'm not just being sore about it, it's true.) that year, my sister ended up with two. i'm not sure how that was fair, and i made my feelings abundantly clear (for years to come) by writing (in ink) on the very first page of her diary (no regard for saraswati, obviously) - "this is my diary. you have a very fat one."

well, that didn't make it my diary. and unfortunately, i got told off for it (as expected). the words stayed on forever because ripping the page could've caused other pages to fall out, and we just didn't have correction tape in those days.

over the years my sister added many, many songs to her diary. there were many old songs i hadn't ever heard. some were songs i had only ever heard my mom sing (albeit beautifully). and but a few i was familiar with. i remember "aaja sanam" was one of my favorites, although i had learnt it listening only to mom, and "deewana hua baadal" from kashmir ki kali. the diary was a most-loved possession, and while i understood, at some point, that i was not to hold a pen to it - i was joyous enough to sing from it. as a kid i was perennially bursting into song, and the diary was my sole companion. i would make song requests to my sister, and she would rewind/fast-forward our tape player repeatedly, until she had all the words down. she would listen to a song, write all she could, then listen again and fill in the blanks. even when i graduated to writing down words of a song, it was she alone who did the writing in the diary, for it was she who had the beautiful hindi handwriting. i didn't mind that though, all i wanted was the words... soundness and completeness were a must.

[it was at the age of 10 that i first fell in love with songs from ijaazat, and i remember asking sis to write down the words. she did so - and i first learned "katra katra". that song stuck with me forever, becoming one of my all-time favorites. i just heard it now on youtube, and it put me in a happy place. i wonder how they do that - put people in happy places - but i love that they do.]

when my sister first left home to go to iimc, i took charge of the diary. i was old enough, at 14, and had acquired a legible handwriting myself. of course, my initial contributions were frowned upon (i wrote the lyrics of "seene mein dil hai" from srk's raju ban gaya gentleman... the song in which every verse ends with "i love you". embarrassing!), but soon enough i was doing justice to the diary's illustrious past.

alas, i lost the diary in my third year at berkeley (when i was 20). that didn't hurt my sister as much, but it did hurt me a fair bit. even though it was the age of the internet, and all lyrics were available online, the book took invaluable childhood memories with it. singing, after all, had been everything. what hurt more was that it was lost irresponsibly. i gave it to a not-very-close friend... on the offer that she would lend me her rilke. rilke was precious to her, and this was precious to me. seemed like a fair deal. except it wasn't. duh. rilke was replaceable for some amount of money... this wasn't, obviously. i kept her rilke, and she kept my song book. years later when we met, i asked her about my song book, and she claimed to have no memory of it. it was lost beyond hope.

perhaps it would have no better place than my box of memories... but at least it would have that. right now, i wonder where it is. does it exist? and who else might have read it, without a realization of what that book meant to me. that, when it wasn't mine to begin with...

excuse me while i dedicate a tear.

it's that time of year

i would like nothing better than to have christmas vacation already, while it is cold and rainy outside, and slide into a cosy, warm blanket at home, to watch home alone on tv. it is my single desire, every december, to do so.

all for a ticket to ride

i do believe every day brings forth an adventure (refer to earlier post), but today was something else. i needed to visit the ai office in sf this morning, to get my paper ticket issued (for my flight next week). my only class today was at 12.35, and i figured i could start out at 6, get everything done, and be back by 10 (at the latest). then realized that the office opened at 9, and it's the ai office after all, so decided to leave at 8 instead. i thought i'd take the caltrain (one of those super-fast no-stop trains), and walk to market st. where the office was. (had considered the caltrain/bart option, but that just seemed like a lot of unnecessary scheduling, and overly expensive). last evening, however, a called to suggest dinner this evening, since he was in the palo alto office for the day. he told me he was driving down from sf at 11, and i decided to hitch a ride with him on my way back. he had a dentist's appointment at 10.30. when you add that to my class at 12.35, the inflexibility of train schedules, the processes involved in getting to a train station and parking etc., that's a lot of constraints.

this is what happened: i decided to go to bed at 10 and get up at 6, so that i could work for an hour or so, then take the train. at 10 something, k called me after months. when i hung up to go to sleep, d called me after days. when i hung up again it was past 11. pretty much 12. i woke up at 7.20, and it was raining. rain always delays the getting-out-of-bed process. got out of bed at 8.10, was showered and ready by 8.35. it was the 9.11 train i was to catch. this was at university ave, palo alto. i've only ever picked up people from there, never gone anyplace. but i couldn't possibly leave without tea, so i made some, packed my bag, debated on whether i should take the umbrella or not, and made the smarter decision (this was the smartest decision i've made in life i think, given how much of a burden it posed to me then). i carried the tea in my car (because 15 minutes to drink i did not have), and hoped for red lights so i'd be able to finish it before getting to the station. but i also hoped for green lights so i could make my train. after much confusion, i decided i'd just stop hoping, and that made things simpler. got to the train station at 9.08, yay! there was just enough time to get a ticket and make the train. but what about my car? :O :( with a sinking feeling (yes, i really felt the sink), i realized that this was the one link i had failed to consider last night, and felt like a miserable failure. i did see some parking spots, but it said "no public parking". i even debated in my head as to whether i counted as "public" or not. i mean, wouldn't one think of public being government-related? like public transportation, public schools, etc.? anyway, that was confusing. i saw buses inside and figured that meant they wanted me out :(. i went ahead, only to magically land on 82S. in another minute i could take a u-turn, but i would also miss my train. with a sigh, i kept going down 82S, and made some panic calls. it was d's turn to save the day, as he read out the caltrain schedule to me from the internet. made best sense to go to the cal ave station, where i could park in peace, and take the 9.37 train. this would only get me to the city at 10.41, but of course i had no choice. of course, if i had been smart enough to realize that the 9.11 train at university ave was also the 9.07 train at cal ave (which i could have made), life would indeed have been a whole lot rosier.

i proceeded to 220 college ave, parked my car, and headed for the train station. ran into s on the way, who showed little sympathy for the ordeal i had just been through. at least i knew how to get to the station this time. a and i have walked from the station to college many, many times now. so i got to the station. only, i needed to get to the other side. for the northbound train, that is. i couldn't see a bridge or anything, but i did see an underpass where bikers were emerging from. i felt good about figuring out that bit, and went down the underpass. came up the underpass, and felt like i was in another world altogether! it was almost like going down a tunnel, and coming up in the meadows, not kidding. i knew i was in the wrong place, and went down the underpass again. figured people would help me figure it out.

walked to the 'wrong side' of the train station, and asked a kindly looking lady how i could get to the other side. she didn't understand. i said i wanted to go to san francisco, not san jose, so i needed to get to the other side. she still didn't understand. finally when i asked if both trains came on the same track (that is technically possible, isn't it?) she understood, and told me we could just walk on the tracks and get to the other side. ha. just so simple. ha.

but i was fortunate to run into her. not just because she showed me how to buy a ticket from the machine - even if i was stumbling, i knew i'd eventually get it right :). but because she was marvelous company on the train ride up to millbrae (where she got off). her name's marlene, and she's of brazilian descent. she's been living in this area for ten years now, and has several indian friends. (she also thought i looked too young to be a graduate student. that's a lie, but it made me happy :).) she was warm and effusive, like all the brazilians i've ever met. she told me about her kids, and her husband, about her parents in brazil and how much she longs for brazil, and ways in which she doesn't. she told me how she'd love to visit home but for her fear of flying. she asked me what i was doing at stanford, and understood what i told her (which is so rare, that it warmed me to her even more). her husband just bought an olpc laptop to give for christmas, but she didn't know which country he had picked...

i'd have loved to get some reading done on the train. in fact, i had really looked forward to looking out of the train window, day-dreaming - it's been so long. but i'm happier to have met her, and to have her goodwill. and i know it will make me believe, for years from now, that brazilian people are warm and kind. who cares about half an hour of reading or day-dreaming instead.

after she left at millbrae, i was alone for about half an hour. not technically alone, because the train was filled with people, but by myself. i listened to neil halstead on my nano, and did some reading. ran into something that will form at least a page of my 8-page paper. perhaps i can then say my ride was productive as well.

it was a great feeling to reach the city - 4th & king. every time i'm in the city in the morning, i remember the days when n lived in the peninsula and i'd do monday morning commutes with her to the city, and then proceed to berkeley on the bart. every morning in the city reminds me of those monday mornings on market st. but there's enough in this post already, so i'll do the nostalgia some other time.

i felt i'd accomplished something when i spotted signs that said 4th and king. only, there was a long walk ahead - far longer than i'd imagined. i felt i'd walked for hours before i saw signs of market. thankfully a hadn't called yet, which was great, because i wasn't at the ai office yet. (i realized, as i walked, that i hadn't noted down the phone numbers for the ai office. nor had i written down the address. what if i didn't have my number memory? what then? no one could have gotten me the info from my laptop which i'd left home had i lost my way. i'd just have had to come back and then make another trip tomorrow. oh, the horror!) anyway, i reached the hearst building (#5, 3rd st.) at 11 something, huffing and puffing. the attendant didn't even wait for me to say anything, he just asked "air india office?". how's that for racial stereotyping (it's a large building with several offices, that's why)?

the air india office felt like india, and i tried hard to figure out why that was. the magazines were all over, for one. chairs sat randomly along the waiting area. there were binders sitting in the waiting area that really shouldn't have been there. there was no receptionist. there was no reception. just two large desks covered with papers haphazardly arranged. the walls just had air india posters, and an air india calendar. yeah, no wonder it felt like india. (oh, and how's that for stereotyping? :).

it took 20 minutes for zarine (i used to wish my name was zarine, when i was small) to issue me the ticket (15 minutes on 3 different calls, and 5 minutes on the ticket). a called to say he was still waiting on the dentist and maybe i should head back so i could make it to class on time. i was thinking "what? walk all that distance again to the station? are you out of your mind?". i told him that it was ok, i'd wait :).

i got out of the office and into the elevator, to find an elderly gentleman who made me look terribly unkempt :x. unfortunately, the elevator had a steel interior, and it was so clean that i could look at my reflection and feel that terrible! but i bet he would look the same if he walked from 4th & king to 3rd & market. so there :P.

since i had time to kill, and since i'd earlier spotted the sf moma shop everyone's always raving about, i rushed there. forget cafe, forget reading, forget all those things that could be done anytime, anywhere :). i liked the shop a lot, but felt that while it was a beautiful place to kill time at, it had little i could/would buy. as i looked at games and puzzles, i spotted a game called snatch. that, my friends, was the find of the day. the rules of snatch are identical to those of grab, for those of you who know what i'm talking about. and yes, it's now a registered game - produced by u.s. games (i didn't even know there was such a company). although i totally didn't need another set of tiles, i bought it to add to my game collection.

a called me to tell me he was done. two more blocks of walking, and i was at 2nd and howard, where i met him. we got indian food to-go from mehfil (trust a to know every desi restaurant in town... any town!). his car was parked at his apartment, which was another light year away. i did get to see his apartment though, and thought it was perfect. it's just the kind of apartment i'd like to live in - almost exactly, with a view of the bay in addition :).

i did think of taking my camera with me. as i'd planned things, i'd expected to have limitless time to take pictures of people walking up and down market, and the coffee shops, etc. thank god i did no such thing, or i'd have stressed myself sick about the water entering the camera, or about the pictures i wasn't going to be able to take because of the rain.

oh did i mention that it was raining *all* the time? all along the walk from 4th & king to 3rd & market. then on the walk to sfmoma, to 2nd & howard, and 1st & bryant. boy what a relief to get into a's car and forget about the umbrella for once.

the ride back was great. i ate my sumptuous meal from mehfil, talked to a when he could spare time from his conference call. (he was half listening, half talking to me, all along. there were 5 other people on the call, and a was a muted listener.) he dropped me off at my car and i rushed to my last class of the quarter, 45 minutes late.

phew. i'm done. that was the adventure for the day. though it's only 4.30 now. who knows what the evening might bring?

mail vs. entourage

although i feel fondly for entourage, and love using features i had developed in my internship long ago, i am happy and contented to now use apple mail instead. here's where microsoft fails and apple rocks:

• entourage doesn't let you subscribe to rss feeds, mail does. i'm really up to date with the headlines of the world these days (um, at least today).
  
• on the stanford residences network, the gmail smtp server won't send mail. this is not microsoft's fault necessarily, but hey - it could be.
• mail allows one consolidated inbox where you can check new mail from both accounts. it also allows two separate inboxes for stanford and gmail. all at the same time.
  
• the search feature rocks. you needn't specify a thousand things (like in entourage) before clicking "search".
• the layout is better. this might be subjective, but oh well.
• you can write notes to yourself or to others, like little stickies. this is useful for me especially, since i can now use just mail instead of entourage and stickies.
  
• mail uses half the memory that entourage does - can't argue against that one. think of all the things you could do with that extra memory!
  
• with mail, the number of new messages shows in the dock. convenient.
• messages don't pop up no matter what you're doing, as with entourage. it's embarrassing when people are looking at your laptop screen and entourage shows a message alert that's somewhat personal.
• you can hook it up to ical, which, in itself, rocks.
• i'd rather be emailing now than writing this blog post :)...
  

ufff...

i just got a compliment. must document (for the world to see) before i forget :P

i like the way you capture stories in the faces of the people... very nice :). there is never a dull moment in your albums :).

gee. thank you, m!

the f.r.i.e.n.d.s. quiz

at last i know... i'm a monica :).

man, i've been waiting for someone to put up this facebook app forever. i'm not sure how i ended up being monica though, because i didn't really put down cooking as my hot favorite activity. but i'd rather be her than anyone else i think :). here's the quiz. happy figuring out who you are...

1. How would you like to spend a Saturday afternoon?
Cooking a fancy dinner
Shopping, of course!
TV - 'nuff said
Doing absolutely nothing
Saturday's a great time to get that research done!

2. What do you consider your best asset?
Your intelligence
Your sense of humor
Your butt
Your cooking and organizations abilities
Your ridiculous tantric massage skills

3. When was the last time you had a hot date?
I don't do dates
When I met my husband/wife
Umm last night?
Would sex count as a date?
As much as I would like to, I haven't had the time

4. Where would be your dream vacation spot?
Egypt - the pyramids are fascinating!
In a far away country - like Vermont
Paris, it's so romantic!
London, it's so charming!
Uzbekistan, you know just to be different!

5. What would you be rather known as?
Someone different who made a difference
Someone who was bloody good at everything they did
Someone who hooked up with the most number of people
Someone who made a lot of money
Someone who made a significant contribution to academia

6. How would you describe your childhood?
White and nerdy
LOL
I was the kid flirting during lunch hour
Sighs! It was horrible
Shady business

7. For you, each day is...
An adventure :)
A battle to be conquered
A hangover to be conquered
Whatever
Business, as usual

8. What kind of food do you enjoy?
Meat, and lots of it!
Anything fattening
Chocolate!
The kind I cook.
Ethnic food, of course

9. How many people have you slept with in the last month?
It depends on your definition of 'slept with'
One - my partner
I don't know - Fourteen?
Five.. I mean three.. okay, fine there was this one person
Don't depress me

10. What do you think of this quiz?
Not intellectually stimulating enough
It's a waste of time.. but it's not like I'm doing anything better
It's cute and funny!
The formatting is messed up
It's too conformist and mainstream

goodbye, fall wednesdays!

i couldn't retire for the day before celebrating with you the demise of my last fall wednesday, blog. it was a busy day, completely packed in from 9am to 8pm, but finally it did come to an end. finished writing up a problem set early this morning, submitted it, then took a breather at bytes, went back for a lunch meeting at tresidder, attended 333a lecture (just two more to go, thank god), went to ideo for a field trip (which - by the way - was fantastic), rushed back to attend a treacherous seminar, and was finally done at 8. it was certainly a joyous end though, and n's being around made life seem a lot less painful. especially since she had so much work to do still :P. as for me, i'm taking the night off. just went for a long, meandering walk to take in some cool night air. i would absolutely love to snuggle into bed and read page 24 of shantaram. alas, i am fully aware that i shall have fallen asleep before the page is over.

(yawwwn)
g'night.

over

the break is over. sob. i guess there are other breaks on the horizon, so this is not a bad thing entirely. also, if this break never got over, how would i ever get home?! what a scary thought! so then glad i must be.

the last third of the break was awesome. friday was spent with a. the day started with tea and rusk, then the shopping center, spice hut in menlo park, the university art store, work at coupa, and finally dinner at cp (with a's best friends ;). saturday was a's birthday, and started again with tea and rusk. there was a surprise party to look forward to later in the evening, and it made the day most exciting :). a and i went for a walk in the evening, while the house filled itself up with a's friends. we returned (after getting lost in the wilderness and rushing back home) to find everyone quietly sitting around the living room, ready to scream "SURPRISE" when a entered. oh, what joy to pounce on an unsuspecting soul like that :D. it was the most successful surprise ever (that i can remember being pulled off :). dinner was at pasta?. (and boy, am i pleased to find that they custom-make risottos.)

since today was the last day of the break, and i had an essay submission tomorrow, it had to be ultra productive. after many many hours of work, i was done with my 3-page summary of a 100-page reading. the 100 pages were read early this morning. sigh. if only i were this productive every day. but i promise that every day until the 15th of december is going to be just this productive. or at least half. (starbucks is a great place to sit and work at, especially when you have good music and (almost) noise-canceling headphones.)

i'm ready to face the world tomorrow morning. world, are you ready to face me?

call me

i'd love to take your call, 'cos my phone has a new ringtone! it's the romeo and juliet prelude (i.e. dire straits). technology is beautiful. i can imagine no better way to be summoned to the phone than to hear my favorite guitar strumming in the world. no matter what mood i'm in, how i'm feeling... when i hear those chords, my heart smiles, and i feel perfectly in the mood to answer. anyone who adds a listen of romeo and juliet to my life deserves, at least, to be heard.

:) phone, i love you.

day 6

[first i must mourn the two-thirds of this break that are gone, forever. sob.]

today was a bright and sunny thanksgiving. i also went for my first hike, in years, with some dhwani folk. played "bang!" after eons, then attended the gcc thanksgiving dinner where i ate not-so-yummy pasta with marinara sauce. (lately, i've eaten little but pasta. dinner yesterday, picnic today, and then again at dinner.) a and i also went for our 3 point something walk, out in the chilly evening. california ave was completely deserted - i hope because everyone was spending quality time with their families.

montebello was terrific. i'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to be in the woods, to lose oneself in nature and its beauty, and to return to reality with renewed peace of mind. there may exist grander views, and more scenic trails, but the package deal of picnicking, hiking, breathing fresh green air, taking photos to heart's content, and partaking of good company, is priceless. (photos have been duly uploaded.)

oh, and i finished my 507-piece horsey jigsaw, with a little help from my friends :). primarily because i couldn't possibly sit in my living room with an excuse of an unfinished jigsaw to come in the way of work. now the only distractions in my living room are the sight of the puzzle, the mess that needs clearing, the music system, the warmth and comfort, and potential eatables in the fridge of the kitchen :). one less distraction, though, must be celebrated :).

for thanksgiving day, i am happy to have met some of the folk who make this world a special place. as for those i was unable to meet (and there are many), i'd like to thank them and the world for bringing them my way.

three more days... sigh.

today

is my nephew a's sixth birthday. he's in paris at this moment (talk about fancy celebrations), and i do not have a number to call him at. i did think of him, but thinking - unfortunately - is all i could do...

i thought of the day he was born, and then of the days before he was born. and the day my sister first told me that she was going to have a baby. ages have passed. i was in seattle that summer, and i have indelible memories of n carrying a, on the capilano suspension bridge in vancouver. the things that stick... i remember the day she called to tell me it was going to be a boy. she hadn't wanted to know, but my brother-in-law asked the doctor after the ultrasound. of course, he also shared the information with others - until n decided she didn't want to be the only one uninformed. and so i found out too, though i'd have been happier not to. (i'm reminded of the "didn't know if i would be an aunt or an uncle" joke... i knew i was going to be an aunt, don't worry.) n and i discussed how it would have been so lovely to have a little girl. but then, we both wanted the girl to have an older brother. this gave the boy purpose. ah, we liked. (lucky that the perfect little girl followed :).

a was the most beautiful, most charming baby, and i'm not just saying that. he continues to be a handsome, bonny young lad. if you've seen his pictures, you know i'm not lying. i may now be partial to my niece, but a was my sister's first child, and special to me in many ways. one of my aunts had written "now n will no longer be the youngest around the house" (not that i ever begrudged losing my place as youngest - here was someone i could boss over in later years :).

i was pleased out of my wits to have a baby to play with. "play with" is right, for i couldn't believe he was a fully functional human being at the time. on day 0, he was an amorphous mass. but on day 1, unlike most one-dayers, he was uber alert. we have a photo of him with his eyes wide open, and you wouldn't believe he was born yesterday. but then again, he's always been ahead of his years.

i don't ever run out on nostalgia, and there are memories that still bring tears to my eyes. like the day i was leaving for stanford after a weekend, and a stood at the door to watch me leave... and didn't move until my car was out of sight, as the tears rolled down his eyes (thus mine). no parting has ever been so sad, and so needlessly so :), for i was very much around.

i also remember a time when i was at berkeley, breaking down in tears due to stress over classes and graduation and what-have-you, when he (at 10 months) was sensitive enough to comprehend my tears and hugged my knees as i stood and cried before n.

this is too much tear-talk already... i'll stop. the last six years have flown by. today, i see him less frequently :(. but whenever i do, i marvel at how intelligent a child he is, and how well-informed for his age. he knows things i still haven't learned. that may say something about me, true, but there's no question that he's a rock star. but perhaps, to me, he always will be a rock star.

happy birthday, rock star!

day 5

was as unproductive really, as days 1 through 4. i'm willing to forgive myself one last time.

p and i went to berkeley today, and i spent much time at brewed. drank the mocha, but the mugs had changed. the couches are the same though, with the "men, coffee, chocolate... the richer the better" cushion. i saw plenty of familiar faces - professors from first year c.s. courses, students i knew from days at berkeley and stanford... the breezeway was just the same, and i missed our lunches at varamai. p and i had makur pad for lunch, though the management there has changed. needless to say, i was nostalgic through and through. even as i parked at a broken meter (only to be slapped with a $30 ticket!). berkeley feels like home.

a and i walked campus drive today. it was excellent - invigorating and thought-provoking. brought to mind questions i do not know that i have answers to. food for thought.

and tomorrow is thanksgiving! dhwani has a little picnic in the morning (where i get to take pictures, yay), and at 4 i will attend the gcc thanksgiving dinner. after that, i promise to work super hard. giving thanks must not be rushed though, by any means.

happy thanksgiving, world! whether you're down in india or up in the mountains, i hope you have an awesome holiday :).

a limit to friendship?

something to think about. especially in relation to this.

p.s. thank you, echo!

go green!

i've been thinking of writing this post forever, but since gaurav did such a brilliant job, i can be lazy instead.

read.

a marathon task

(p and i were talking about it this morning, and it got me thinking...)

two and some years ago, i ran my first mile (with walk breaks, admittedly). at that point it was equivalent to conquering the world. asha was training folks for the 2005 marathons, and i signed up. i still remember my chat with my friend k (who had just recently witnessed my struggle through the b2b walk) on the day of my first tracks workout. i told him i was planning to train, and he smoothly transitioned to the next thread of conversation. when it was closer to 7, i told him i had to leave for the tracks. he was shocked to learn i was serious. in fact he rudely explained how he thought i was joking, given my performance at b2b. i am shocked too when i think back to how ambitious i was. i had run, perhaps, a total of 5 miles in life. basketball may have built some stamina, but that was 7 years ago...

that first workout was on the 22nd of may, '05. what followed were the 5 most motivated months of my life, thus far. better aware of my body's limitations, i now realize the distances that my mind was able to make it run. i don't doubt for a second that i wouldn't give up the experience for anything (... anything? maybe not ;), but i have realized over time that - like my discrete math (and turing award-winning) professor would say - "it is not for everyone". just as one needs the right vocal chords to sing opera, one needs the right body/muscle/tissue type to run long distances.

i no longer blindly encourage people to train for the 26.2. i ask people to be very very careful, to go for regular check-ups to the physical medicine specialist, and to cut back as soon as their body complains. injuries still happen, though. injuries that may last a long, long time. and who knows then - will it have been worth the while? at that point it better have been, because there isn't a choice.

i loved that i was able to run for the first time in my life. i loved that my asthma had ceased to be a limitation. i loved that first run down the stanford dish, though it was short and downhill. i loved every run that followed, and i remember each one. i soon reached a point where injuries kept me away from running, altogether. the next year when it came time to train, i had to drop out due to a hip injury. i ran three times after my marathon - 24th november '05, 21st december '05, and 29th march, '06 - when the pain was finally too much to bear. i wish i knew when i'll be able to run again, pain-free. perhaps if i had still been running a mile or two, i'd have been able to run sustainedly all this while. but perhaps so many things...

the ipod i would listen to my music on, as i ran, hasn't been touched since my marathon. in fact, i haven't even checked to see what songs are on it, lest i find the playlist i had programmed in for the big day. when i hear any of them in another context, i am transported to a world that feels alien to me now.

all this sounds sadder than i feel though, in truth. i am happy to share 'marathon bonds' with folks who know what i'm talking about. it's also the first time i found how powerful love and support can be, and what it means to be really able to lean on someone. i can't forget how i kissed my knees after my infinitely torturous 16-miler :). i now recognize the complexity of the human body better, and how many different parts of the body can (with so little effort) revolt to screw one's peace.

i still can't believe that i trained for and ran a marathon, in life, and every reminder is a constant source of confidence and encouragement. i display my medal conspicuously in the living room so that i never forget my realization then, that the possibilities are endless - there are no limits to what the mind can achieve.

is there a conclusion then? (or am i just rambling as usual?) i guess i'll end with saying - i won't push you to train for or run a marathon. if you decide to take on the task though, i'll be there to support you and encourage much as i know to. but please learn, along the way, to listen to your body. and whenever you need it, i'll be happy to say a little prayer for you.

ironically, they put a photo of me on the '06 and '07 publicity flyers :). considering how much i've run in the last couple of years, that's pretty funny :D. ok ok, back to econ!

day 4

is feeling the pains of getting back in the groove. i was productive in some ways today. smugmug has now been updated with photos taken in the last month. i also vacuumed (if that counts).

days are getting shorter, and it's dark before we know it. the good thing is, though, that nights last longer than expected. it's still dark even after dinner and walk, and not yet time to sleep. the last few days have seen long, satisfying walks. all the way down to college terrace and cal ave, then back up - college, el camino, serra, etc. yesterday was 3.3 miles and it didn't feel like much at all. our goal is to do 4 next.

the break feels so wonderful that i'd love for it to stay. unfortunately, assignments are soon going to be haunting my sleep. sometimes we wish time would stay, not move, and sometimes we want it to swiftly fly by. walking in memphis is such a masterpiece. siiigh.

(i feel like i'm getting boring as hell these days :(, and these posts have become boring, mundane diary entries. unfortunately, all other material is classified and may not be displayed here... so you'll just have to bear with, or give up.)

the food of love

life has revolved around my music system downstairs, ever since it was set up two days ago (that it's thanksgiving break does help). suddenly i seem to have all these cd's i haven't heard in ages. especially assorted ones that i am now rediscovering. people have been so kind to share their music with me over the years. it's a wonderful warm and fuzzy feeling to listen to it all.

thanksgiving break then is defined by these songs -

• walking in memphis - marc cohn
  
• someday out of the blue - elton john
• simple things - jim brickman
• don't stop me now - queen
• austin - shelton blake
• a matter of minutes - shawn colvin (though i can't find the cd)
• just like a woman - bob dylan
• one more day - diamond rio
• andrew lloyd webber's greatest hits
  

and more... a break could not be more beautiful.

siiiigh.

day 2

of thanksgiving break. it's cloudy outside but sunny inside - as i listen to cd's that haven't been touched for a while. alw made some great music. it's rare to listen to a cd and like every song that comes on. i can't wait to go home - just 4 more weeks! also, i went through paperwork and paid my bills weeks before they were due, so life - in all - feels most satisfying.

n sent out an article by shoba narayan titled "one family's journey to america and back". it made for highly evocative reading. the images that the article generates - about both the u.s. and india - are easily identified with, and make you feel right at home (admittedly more with one than the other). must read.

achievement

today was a productive day if there ever was one. my stuff is finally home, from g's and a's places. i can now see movies if and when i choose, and listen to my cd's in the living room. i can sit on my futon, and use my old dresser. also, i found my green jacket that i'd been hunting down for ages. home feels like home to me, finally. home with a little less walking space :o.

i don't want to go upstairs and sleep because the living space just feels too cosy. you have to see it to believe it ;).

grading woes

(if you're mrg, please don't read this)

the last few days have been grading hell. i would wake up and start grading, just as i would start other days with checking email. i would fall asleep grading, dreading another morning of grading... i would grade every free minute i could fit grading into during the day. it was tough. but i did get it done. 9 problems for 70 people over about 3-4 days, 15-17 hours.

i was also able to become pretty efficient at the process. for instance, instead of opening a file, grading it, closing it, and then opening the next, i started opening batches - a to c, d to h, i to m, and n to w, and then the html files (six in number). i also learnt how to gauge whether the student knew what s/he was talking about (somehow) by picking out five words out of fifty. i cannot guarantee 100% consistency, but i'd say i came close. (though perhaps that was 'cos most people got a 100% on most problems :P) there was tons of copy/pasting going on, and i became an expert at the apple+v, apple+s, apple+w sequence (that's paste (the grade), save, and close).

i have to say that the joy i felt when i sent the mail saying i was done with my part was entirely unparalleled. with 3 class presentations tomorrow, i was still quite in the mood to celebrate. did so with a 2 mile loop around escondido, discussing siblings and no siblings, and rear window. that was fun. indeed.

cute

tagline on radio ad:

the perfect memory for perfect memories

clock towers

i love clock towers. while at berkeley, i had resolved not to go to grad school that didn't have a clock tower. columbia didn't have one. i didn't go. :P

class starts at 1.15 but i'm here early. the clock just struck 1, and the bells rang their four little bars to say that it was the end of an hour. the sound is just out of the world.

the stanford walking club

yesterday, p, a, and i ventured out for a walk to compensate for the amazing pakodas that p made for us (that's p1 and p2). after a point, we were a little lost, but we continued to walk until we reached the top of a hill that gave us a glorious (and very distant) view of campus. hoover tower seemed so far away, that we decided to retrace our steps back home. google maps told us we had walked 1.4 miles out.

but it really didn't feel like 3 miles. not only was the walk invigorating (it was 48f/9c), it was lovely to walk by beautiful faculty housing, to realize that the earth was round, and to stop and smell the roses :). at one point we saw a bright spot in the sky and decided it was mars, because it looked kinda reddish. it was just a matter of time before we realized that it was only an airplane :(. we were even going to call a and ask him which planet it was. good thing we waited for it to move a fair distance.

there is something about conversations on a walk... perhaps because of the constantly changing surrounding environment, though at a pace that one can talk comfortably... topics of conversation change rapidly. things get introspective sometimes, casual and entertaining at other times, and are overall stimulating. it's also about sharing an experience we all find positive and desirable...

anyway, it was good fun. we're planning on doing this regularly, especially come thanksgiving break. if you'd like to join, ping me for an application.

how 'berkeley' am i?

berkeley today was a charming experience. the sun shone, over the sunday morning campus quiet, and brought to mind many moments spent in the sun generations ago. as i waited for m to appear, i retraced my steps to all those years when berkeley was it.

not surprisingly, i no longer think it is it. i must be fair to other contributors of 'it-ness' in my life. however, this post is not to question how special berkeley will always be (well, to me). it's about the life that exists off-campus.

as i drove from soda to viks, i took the same path i'd have taken eons ago - the much-disputed 'shortest path' that went down cedar all the way. the center of the universe was - at some point - cedar street (not for me, for people who drove me back then :). my surroundings felt very different from how they'd feel in palo alto. there is no element of elitism. it is, after all, berkeley. people are socially conscious, poorer in general, but working and hoping hard for a better world, if you know what i mean. this is not the 'feel' that the affluent and manicured lanes of palo alto generate in me, where i feel rather out of place and 'temporary'.

whether it's a function of berkeley vs. palo alto, or that of my deep-set berkeley-ness roots, i wonder. i'd love some perspective if you have some to share.

yay! it's diwaliiiii!

happy diwali, world!

i thought diwali was over, after the lunch, dinner, and puja yesterday. it's lovely to wake up to mom and dad wishing me diwali from home. i could imagine everything as it would be at home for diwali, just that i wouldn't be there :(. it was still lovely to hear about it though. after a point, pleasant thoughts are enough to make one feel warm and fuzzy inside :).

it's great to be around people who feel the same way about diwali. it was really quite awesome that everyone wanted to do lunch and dinner and puja yesterday. i do so wish that i could bring home here or take here home, but we achieved a fair approximation yesterday. may today be the same. and may all of you have a beautiful diwali once again.

chhoti diwali

today is chhoti diwali, and apparently deepavali in the south. (i almost wrote that sentence the other way round and then rediscovered my loyalties... :P)

well, no matter the day - i wish you all much peace and contentment in the coming year. and may you be joyful and prosperous all year long.

170?

gosh. when i think of the number of people i know in the world, i would think maybe 50, maybe 70, but not much more. i'm really off. there are 170 people on my friends list on facebook. now some of you may have a lot more and some of you may have a lot less and overall i don't believe it means much, but 170 is just a huge number. i mean, i could put them all in a classroom and i would need a really large classroom to fill. 170. sheesh! and to think this doesn't even include half my friends and family. well, i don't know about half, because i'm so off numbers right now, but a lot...

ok that's all. i'm over it. 170 is not that much. not if you consider that there are 18-20 people associated with my program, that there are about 18-25 people from dhwani, that there are hopefully 20-30 close friends i've accumulated over the years, that there are a few family members on there - perhaps 3-5, that i went to high school in two different places, and each place has at least 10 familiar faces. then the 5-8 folks i met over the summer. and then the 5-8 coworkers i have on my list. and oh, the friends of friends i've said hi to are probably 20-30.

nope, i'm still off. i give up. 170's just an unimaginably huge number.

so confused

there are so many siddharthas in this world, and it's so confusing. i just received mail from one, and felt the excitement i would feel to have received mail from a different siddhartha, but alas - it wasn't the one. some of them even have identical last names, and that makes things all the harder to track. for instance, i know a few siddhartha agarwals - one of them was a coworker, and one a family friend. i know neither of them all that well, and it is therefore impossible to know which one i am reading messages from. i think the world has enough siddharthas in it already, i think we should move on to newer, trendier names.

no offense, sid :).

and that could just be any sid i was referring to :).

and...

in case you happened to wonder - the reason i'm posting so many times within the space of a couple of hours is because i have a very difficult essay to finish before i go to bed, that is about 2/3rds done, and still awaits further analysis. make sense, yeah?!

oh, ego...

sometimes i wonder that we don't get completely bogged down by the weight of the ego that we must force ourselves to carry at all times.

(come to think of it - maybe that's what causes my back to ache...)

revelation

i feel embarrassed and ashamed to be such a link-o-phobe. i was looking for a reason to avoid checking out a link a friend just posted on my facebook wall, decided i had none, and clicked on it. it was beautiful. just like most links are, in fact. i have hope, then, that i might yet learn. in the meantime, you can check this out. it struck a chord. f major :).

The Green Finger

make it stick

today at the d.school, chip heath (professor at the gsb, stanford) gave a presentation on sticky ideas - on what makes them stick. it was a great presentation, though i've already read much of the book he wrote. we all discussed news stories that had struck a chord/conversation for us, and why. for the most part, it's because they are unexpected in nature. unexpected = crazy, though. our team came up with the britney story, from not too long ago. another group came up with a news item about the death of a politician in delhi on being attacked by monkeys. did this really happen? yet another was about a serial killer who went about killing 60 people because he was mad that he had lost his dog.

when you hear these kind of stories, and think about what's making them stick, you really wonder, don't you? :) it was sticky enough (for me) that pakistan's in a state of emergency. my group-mates didn't think so, but i guess they're not indian.

did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? well no, not really. it's an urban legend, but gosh - a good one, don't you think? 90% of our class had heard of it!

the stickiest story i could think of in the news was that of pluto losing planet status. it made me sad. that struck a chord.

f minor.

alarm-ing

there was much discussion on alarms today, and we came up with a design for the ideal alarm. alarmingly (please to excuse), the idea has been patented already - it is called a random offset alarm clock. life is so unfair. especially mine :P.

time changes today, and we fall back an hour. this means an extra hour to sleep, yayy! i will get to it soon, since tomorrow is a long day at the alma mater.

g'night.

perfect saturday

although saturdays are usually perfect (by definition in fact), today is particularly so because of the sun shining in its ample glory (outside and inside). we started the morning with much singing, in preparation for the big show this evening. stage rehearsal is in 1.5 hours, and it's nice to bask in the afternoon sunshine, listening to the radio. music is such a godsend really. life would be so depressing without.

week 6 is over.

inauguration day

i now have a backpack. this is great, because until now i'd been forced to minimize on what i carried to school, given the limitations of my sling laptop bag. i no longer need to carry my reader in hand, since it has a large backpack pocket to fit into. i can also carry my wallet to school now, instead of carrying loose cash. my trouser pockets are empty, because my phone and keys have a new place to go in. this feels fantastic!

i also made it to my 9 am class on time (this is a first), for i rode my bike to school today. why today? well, my bike was in the repair shop for the longest time. it came out last week, but then i needed a backpack to bike comfortably (though perhaps that was little more than an excuse for postponement). last evening, i got my backpack in the mail. (courtesy beautiful sister.) interestingly, it took some work to remember how to lock and unlock the bike, how to brake, etc. but you know what they say about biking and swimming...

new backpack, (effectively) new bike - i'm a happy camper :).

swamped

gosh. why is the whole world emailing me?! i receive a mail a minute, and i think i'm actually expected to read all of these, but it's just not sustainable. i cannot. world, stop! well, don't stop emailing me, just stop having so much to mail about!

(grumble wumble)

update

it's been so long, and i have so many unfinished posts saved as drafts. life has been really busy, and so fast-paced, that it's rushing off before me, kicking dust in my eyes. like a bull of sorts. or horse perhaps.

anyway, i hope that all my (erstwhile?) readers are doing well. i am alive, but barely. this weekend was mostly spent grading homeworks, and i am still at it. i guess my own weekend homework will need to wait till after the weekend. week 4 sucked. let's hope 5 is somewhat better.

the rules?

what are the rules of etiquette, if any, to be followed when people go out for a dinner or a lunch with a mixed set of non-vegetarians and vegetarians? also, what when there is one vegetarian among many non-vegetarians? and what about the many-one, and the one-one situations? any thoughts? i am a vegetarian, but i was a non-vegetarian for more years than not. i realize it is easy to be biased, given my opinion on the matter in general, so i'd love to hear other thoughts. moreover, i am a perennial believer of the "to each his own" philosophy, but i'd like to know if you can extend it further.

priorities in life

i just took a "priorities in life" quiz on facebook that gives you 10 choices and asks you to rank them in order. i don't know what happens after you take the quiz, because it just gave me the following message -

Sorry, an error has occurred - information regarding the issue has been logged for review. Please retry this page tomorrow. Thanks!

i feel cheated. but never mind that. what i was intrigued by after i took the test was that i had put money last - right at the very end. convenient. i tend to freely mention that money matters little to me, that i'm not good with it, etc. suddenly, i feel ashamed to be that way. it's not that it doesn't matter. perhaps it's ok to not stress about it, because it's best to not stress about - or lose sleep over - anything, in general. but i do think it matters. for instance, it would matter very much if i weren't wealthy enough to fly to india to see my parents every year. it would matter very much if i couldn't get the best kind of health care for the people i love because i didn't have enough money. it would matter a significant amount if i didn't have enough to send my children (when i had some) to a good school.

i've decided i will be more cognizant of this in my 'money talk' from now on. and it will come 4th after love, family, and children. not 10th. definitely not 10th.

wednesday

and rainy. i really want to stay in bed and wake up to thursday.

:(

evolution

in my college days, undergrads weren't as worried about sustainability as they appear to be today. this is great. go world, go!

rachmaninoff

many years ago i saw the movie shine. though the movie didn't achieve a popularity high, i was really moved by it. it is about the pain that genius brings with it, sometimes.

a few years ago i had borrowed this cd from a friend. the cd played in my car for many drives to and from school, in my undergraduate days. every time i heard the rachmaninoff piece from the movie, i'd be filled with pain, for the pain the movie depicted. i still loved listening to it, because it was a beautiful kind of pain. more importantly, it wasn't mine.

i still marvel at the effect it has on me. more, it brings back a lot of memories that would otherwise remain hidden in the back of my mind. memories of random conversations with the friend that would otherwise be forgotten, or of drives back home that would otherwise hold no significance. i am always fascinated by such levels of association.

it's raining outside, and i am not in the highest of spirits. of course, soon it will be time to retire (though bedtime seems to get more and more delayed these days) and i will have a torturous wednesday to look forward to. perhaps a torturous and rainy wednesday. torture != fun.

back to associations. it is interesting to observe how songs heard in the past (and not always for the first time then) have so many associations to them. when i think "fast car", i think tracy chapman singing it at the grammy awards. i also think of a drive i went on with a friend some years ago. when i think "leaving on a jet plane" i am always reminded of a friend playing this on the guitar. this and "jamaica farewell". "romeo and juliet" reminds me of bonn zentrum - the town-center of bonn, where i first heard it on my (then) new sony walkman. "wonderwall" brings to mind a friend who sang it - very, very badly :). of course, i could keep going. (sentimentality, after all, is not something i ever run out of.) neil halstead, david gray, shawn colvin... all have strong associations.

this blog hasn't seen much focused writing in a while. well, so much of the day is spent focusing, really, that it's a treat to not have to focus while i ramble here.

ok. i'm done.

yesterday

in my understanding learning environments class, ray (one of the professors) mentioned the following quote -

you can't call yourself an adult if you haven't ever contemplated suicide.

intriguing, yes?

week 3 low

it's cloudy outside and cloudy inside. i feel disillusioned by the world in general and unable to keep my spirits on their usual high.

sigh.

i wanna go home!

brrrr...

it gets colder by the day. i just took a hot shower (before going to bed) in the hope that the cold that had found its way inside would make a forced exit. i'm out of the shower, and the cold is slowly, treacherously, finding its way back in again.

moral 1: no matter how long you stay in the hot shower, the cold is right outside.
moral 2: if nothing comes in the way of you and the shower, then stay in as long as you like. never mind the darn cold!

week 2

is officially over. friday afternoon, and i just walked home in the deceivingly chilly sunshine. now for project weekend: i have hundreds of pages to read, eaters to interview and observe, research areas to explore, a cs course to catch up on before i teach it, freshers welcome to sing for, a team to 'launch', a birthday party to attend, groceries to shop for, an aunt to visit, the gym to go to, and those are just the things that come to mind at first thought. for a second, i wanted the weekend to be over already, before i realized the horror that awaits right after.

my d.school project this week is on rapid eating and sustainability, and how the two can possibly be combined. the observation phase is this weekend, when we go out into the world and study individuals' consumption patterns, and get to know the user audience. the question i like to ask most is "what does sustainability mean to you?" because it gets me a fascinating response each time. sustainability, for me, is not my work schedule. that is not sustainable. i feel like i'm in one of those crowded trains with no breating space and no way to get out before i get to my original destination, in this case - end of quarter.

after all that complaining, i sheepishly admit that i did have time today to indulge in some photo-taking. mostly in interview pictures, but also of campus in general. as i wrote earlier, the campus is beautiful enough that there is much to photograph no matter which section of campus i'm in. photos on smugmug.

on to project weekend.

beauty, thy name is...

shaktimaan is back after fighting torturous forces intent on ruining the lives of poor, innocent souls. victory to the innocent, and all is well with the world!

campus is beautiful these days. especially so because the rains are going to start soon, and the world will turn wet and grey. i like it when it's warm and yellow. it's the best kind of world. there are leaves in the air - in various breath-taking shades of orange, yellow, and green. last week, there was a student activities fair in white plaza and the place was immersed in song and dance. the clock tower is actually audible on my side of campus now, and i see the gorgeous quad all day long. the only thing i could complain about, ever so slightly, is that it takes so long to get from one place to another. i am mostly on foot these days, and every walk - home to school, school to home (duh), class to class, to lunch, etc. - is so time-consuming, especially with stanford's distances. despite the forced lack of efficiency, i can't say i'm not enjoying it though. it is exciting indeed to look up into the blue sky and feel an overwhelming sense of peace and calm.

oh, and home is beautiful too. it was a pig sty for the last few days, but we took measures to clean it yesterday and it's all brand new again. going to bed is a beautiful experience, thanks to the rug and lamp that do wonders to the cosiness ratings. waking up, however, is super hard :(. i am yet to figure out a way to make myself jump out of bed, unless it's a monday or wednesday (when classes start at 9).

and then, there's the beautiful school of ed building. it's one of the oldest departments on campus, and one of the oldest buildings. naturally, i guess, since education must have existed before the school was born. the bathrooms are especially beautiful. they are just so beautifully lit. massive windows let in unobstructed light at all times of day (when the sun is around), and the tiles aren't boring and white but have a nice beige look about them. a most pleasant contrast to evans/soda/gates/packard/ms (all the department buildings from my previous life). perhaps that means something. perhaps one must like the bathrooms in one's department to know that one is in the right place. (no, i'm kidding.)

oh, and my class. i love my class. everyone is friendly and makes pleasant conversation. i've gotten to know them a lot better in the last few days, and the thing i never realized about small classes (because i was never in one) is that they give you a chance to know everyone personally and well. we know what everyone's interests and passions are, we know what classes would interest them and what wouldn't. we all suffer torture in the learning environments class, and that brings us closer too.

my d.school team is pretty cool too. it's a team of four, and we just got assigned to each other yesterday. i know i'm going to spend 12-14 hours with them every week this quarter, and it's a nice (and new) feeling to really be looking forward to it.

ok, i'm going to stop writing about my life now so i can go live it instead. thanks for reading. pardon the excess sugar and cheese. it's thursday's fault. the week is cruisin' going forward.

boring details

it's been a while, i know. my noble intentions of writing a post a day to keep track of my days and progress at stanford in the ldt program are now down the drain. that's sad. all it takes is a day to falsify all one's hopes. isn't that sad?

i had a crazy weekend. redesigned the ramen experience (bootcamp project, sounds pretentious doesn't it?), wrote my first econ paper in centuries, and read (and presented to the class) ed-psych of the hardest kind on the senses as perceptual systems. not fun, but illuminating. i felt reassured to find that even the professors thought gibson's theories were hard-core.

tuesday was the manipuri dance recital. although i've tried to keep myself away from spicmacay and sia commitments this quarter, i ended up dedicating ten hours straight to spicmacay on tuesday. all in the celebration that my three deadlines were over. as though they were finals instead. the recital itself was magnificent - i.e., the 30% i had the chance to see and understand. the rest of it was spent ushering and trying to understand but failing, all at the same time.

and then i had a trying wednesday yesterday. the classes were all interesting, for the most part, and i realized how they actually made it ok that the day was so packed. know what i mean? i love my classes, and feel like i am learning just those things i would have always loved to learn, but got pulled into other 'more important' stuff instead. that was my past life, and i have learned - i hope.

ok. i'm done with all the boring details of my last few days. over and out.

like a markov chain

my definition of true love is that it is memoryless, a function of the present regardless of the past. when you can be with someone at any given moment, and love them for who they are then and there, that love is true. and it isn't about how many years you've been together, or the beautiful romantic times you've shared. it's the here and now that decide the ever after...

'fast car' plays on the radio. it's one of those most-undoubtedly-right songs in my book.

classes decided

more or less.

mw 9-10.50 econ. development & education (ceras)
mw 1.15-3.05 understanding learning environments (cubberley)
tt 12.35-2.05 going green (mitchell)
mw 3.15-5.05 bootcamp (sweet)
thu 6-8 bootcamp lab (sweet)
w 6.20-7.50 ldt seminar (wallenberg)

hurrah for the three-day weekend!

some things

they never, ever, ever change.

truly.

yay!

i'm in the d.school bootcamp class. excited. going green is also exciting.

otherwise, the day was average. i expect the week(s) will slowly get better.

first day

of classes. a and i went through my list of classes yesterday to figure out my shopping list for the week. i had 7-8 classes to check out and decide on. but in that list i forgot to include the economic development and education class i was meaning to attend. this morning, after first miraculously waking up at 6.45 am, i went back to sleep and got out of bed at 8. ready at 8.30, i decided to check the schedule again, to see when that class was. turned out it was at 9. shucks. i rushed out of the house, but i didn't even know where the building was. walked fast as i could to the main quad. by 9.30 i was in class (thankfully the class was two hours long).

the class was good. i might get to visit my economics concepts again, but it's 5 units and a bit of a stretch. still, the class is excellent - i hear, so i think i'll settle for the 5 units.

went to meyers second floor (for the very first time ever, i might add) to see p. went online in the cluster and felt like an undergrad again. i'm saving my back these days by not carrying the laptop to school. probably a good idea as well. at 12.10, p and i headed to nexus for lunch. met the whole jing-bang there - of s, a, b, n, and v. the food was great - brown rice burger. yum. there was some idle talk of the "school of education look", sleeping in classes, etc. overall a pleasant first lunch. may i add that it could have been better.

the day went further downhill in my understanding learning environments class at 1.15. could barely hear a thing, and my mind tended to wander along all possible realms. i wondered how i could sit there for four hours every week, and do pages of reading every week. that the class is a requirement leaves me no choice, unfortunately. today's class was on behaviorism, and all i'll remember from it is the marijuana influence. the sight of the reader is hugely intimidating.

i was pleased to head over to sweet hall after. it's a great place (though i'd never have imagined i'd say that, three years ago). you can smell the freedom in the air - the freedom to think, breathe, feel. i loved it the moment i stepped onto the second floor. since only a third of the people who attended today can make it to the class, i'm a tad worried. i do hope i make it. class today was too inspiring. i'd be miserable to not get in :(.

first day of classes, and i had succeeded in locking myself out. p and a came to my rescue. the evening was pleasant and unstressful. and i'll look forward to tomorrow dearly.

and oh - i have three-day weekends every weekend. yippee!

religious leanings

should you desire the knowledge - i am an agnostic theist. i believe that the truth value of certain claims, in particular the existence of god, is unknown or inherently unknowable, but i choose to believe in god in spite of this.

more than anything - whether there exists a god or not - i believe that piety, a religious focus, meditation etc. are good for the soul. they help give one's energies a positive, healthful direction. discipline, humility, goodness, and peace of mind are desirable side benefits. spirituality, i believe, encourages good and builds character.

believing is also the first step towards achieving. if a religious outlook encourages one to believe, much good may come of it.

all in all, it is good to believe. it is even better to believe in goodness.

i miss home

i'm homesick. every now and then the feeling creeps in. i'm glad that i documented my trip so comprehensively, but i'm sad that a post title seen in passing can bring about such homesickness. that's all it takes - a wayward glance. but i have good, kind friends who make this place more home-like. and today i procured my box of memories that reminded me of pleasant occasions in my life away from home. god is kind. and the world is my home. my loved ones define the longitudes and latitudes.

cirrhosis of the liver

is not caused by occasional drinks, contrary to popular belief. it is brought about by the habit of drinking 3-4 drinks a day (for men, and 2-3 for women) for a period of a decade.

just thought i'd let you know.

the first rains

last night, there was lightning and drizzle. today, it's rained all morning. the first rains of the season. fall is here. and in fact, it's almost winter. gone are the days of sunshine and cheeriness. we are already into the days of gloom and despair.

ok no - i'm exaggerating. it's not that bad, and in fact - it really helps the cause. when it rains outside, one feels no hesitation in sitting at home and working. to a nice cup of tea prepared by a room-mate :). my most proficient costco space heater compensates for ev's evil spirit that keeps the heating off for another couple of months. the lack of lighting in the house is tolerable, because when it's cloudy outside, it can't possibly be sunny inside.

oh yay, fall is here! i can finally take my camera out to take some pictures of bowdoin. that camera-lover's rewarding exercise that i have not indulged in once but thought about each year. this will be my fifth fall in stanford territory. bowdoin better be photographed. i cannot be useless five years in a row. that would be setting a kind of record. i cannot. i must not.

sigh. soon enough, the streets will be a colorful mix of oranges and greens. and washed clean from the rain everyday. the leaves will be strewn across the roads and will be a pleasure to walk on. in fact, yesterday i found this gigantic leaf in the parking lot of sweet tomatoes. it's rust and green and beautiful.

all in all, it's good.
it's all good yo.

true to its name

just came back from the theater. saw a super bad movie, yes. well to be fair, it wasn't all bad - just much for my sensitivities. but i'm not judging the people i went to the movie with, so don't judge me! i was oh, so glad to be out of the theater. haven't been bored in a movie (in the theater) as far back as i can remember! so bored and repulsed that i couldn't even fall asleep this time.

ok i'm done. friends, please don't let me subject myself to this again. please!

what i want to know

is this:
if you have a friend with questionable morals and an unstable value system, what do you do?

a student again

the morning and afternoon were spent in much idleness, talking about the world in its entirety. over breakfast, lunch, and tea. all seem to have merged into one another in my memories of today.

this evening, i had my first real experience of being an ldt student when i attended the mixer in ceras. a learning experience. the kind school seems to be quite filled up to the brim with.

there was a sense of strong deja vu when i was able to embarrassingly disorient myself to an extent i had experienced on a single occasion, four years ago (i could explain so you could understand, but patience ain't my forte - and not at 1am). i also met j - a most interesting student also experienced in work on india (and interested in south asia). i was pleased to know that he was in the program, and told him as much. we talked at great length about his work and my work and the work of the others in ldt.

dinner was at the b's. and was it fun. played a fruitful game of grab with p, a, and a (fruitful 'cos i won of course :P). came back home and talked forever, but for the last time we decided. there is more to life than late nights, honestly.

oh, for the news

in india, i like mornings best. i love getting up early to go for our morning walk to lodi gardens, even if it means struggling to overcome the desire to continue sleeping - every morning, without fail. in the monsoons, the mornings are so beautiful. it is not yet humid, and the sun is not yet out. the sky, too, looks freshly awoken.

when we come back home, mom makes chai for all of us, which we drink as we read the newspapers. there is also the badaam soaked from the previous night, which i am always too lazy to peel. one of the parents does the needful :). but the best part of this exercise is really the news-reading. it is a pleasure to devour the news, paper after paper - be it entertainment news, the economic times, the editorials, or just the frontpage headlines (perhaps i should have put these in reverse order). the process of going from start to finish is uber-delightful.

i miss this time of day most. luckily, i now have the e-paper to help provide some semblance to mornings in india! it's great! i can turn it page by page, read the headlines one by one, and decide what articles to read more in detail. at the end of the exercise, i feel like i'm in touch with the world. quick and easy. satisfaction supreme.

nothing can bring me quite as close to home as i'd like, but the e-paper tries. that's what counts.

claim to fame

quote in d's paper:

when assembly ends, there is a short break before the kids assemble into their classes. this is when the camera comes out and chaos reigns. there are a million echoing sounds of "torsi aunty" as i click away (torsi means show in kannada). everyone wants to be in the photo, and the kids push and pull to be in the frame. [...] they're happy to pose, and happy to see their friends on the lcd after the picture is taken :). in fact, they are happy any which way, which is one of the things that makes them so special.

"uff...", do i hear?

many firsts

today was a day of many firsts. incidentally, is that not true for every day?! i'm afraid i must make a list to remember them all. so. today was the first time i -

1. woke up at 9.30 in my new house.
2. was hugged by my room-mate before i got out of bed.
3. had (thoughtfully made) microwaved tea in the morning.
4. went to douce france for lunch.
5. had a crepe this year.
   
6. met d.
7. proof-read a paper for chi.
8. proof-read a paper in word! (and may that be the last.)
9. was quoted (one full paragraph!) in a conference paper.
   
10. ate baba ghanoush at coupa.
11. heard p call d m (hyuk hyuk!).
    
12. cooked a 15-min preparation of aloo and dahi that tasted positively yum.
13. ate a meal at home with room-mate alone.
14. wore a sweater, this fall.
    
15. met s, after india.
16. went to starbucks, after india.
17. attended a dhwani meeting, after india.
18. distributed kurtas at dhwani!
19. received a $100 note.
20. used too many italics in my post.

i'll stop at 20. good night!

addendum

in scenario 1, the clones must of course be constructed to love the right people.

in scenario 2, we also need to construct a clone of b to love the original a.

okay, now we're good.

clone for love

i love the idea of cloning. it's a marvelous idea. it could do an immense service to the world of love.

scenario #1:

a loves b, b loves c, c loves a. as the world stands, this triangle would cause much pain and heartache. lives could be lost. enter clones, and all is at rest. a loves b, gets b's clone. b loves c, gets c's clone. c loves a, gets a's clone. all live happily ever after.

scenario #2:

a loves b, b loves a... um, for the most part. a is a horrendous cook (not disclosing genders here). b gets a clone of a - all of a with the culinary package. all live happily ever after.

qed. i'm all for it!

decisions, decisions

there is a long list of courses to go through, and for the first time, i cannot make up on my mind on what i want to study most. wait, allow me to elaborate on the 'first time-ness' of this experience.

in elementary, primary, middle, and (most of) high school - all i wanted to do was play. classes came second to everything at all times, much to the exasperation of my mother. the things we studied in school were almost a nuisance - stuff i had to quickly get out of the way to do the more deserving things in life. and no one ever asked me if there was a course i wanted to take.

in grades 11 & 12, i finally had a choice in the matter. extensive indian conditioning determined my course list though. nope, i didn't complain. i was enough of a nerd. as an undergrad in a school known for its wide array of majors (one could major in voodoo if one wanted), i had to stay focused to pursue my 3 majors (eventually settling for 2). the only kind of courses i took were the courses i had to take. in stanford, nothing changed. there was only one specialization for me. a smooth process of elimination decided the rest.

now is different. an ocean of knowledge out there waits for me to drink it all in. can you imagine the excitement? can you imagine the daunting task at hand? not that this brings me to better my habits. i procrastinate as usual, but importantly - with heightened enthusiasm.

chapter one

it took me a long time and most of the world to learn what i know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while i was chained to a wall and being tortured. i realised, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, i was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. it doesn't sound like much, i know. but in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. and the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.

this is shantaram's insightful and thought-provoking beginning. it is something of a comfort to realize that what is within, is in our control. what we make and break of it - our decision entirely.

i love this book, dearly and deeply. so much so that i read 10 pages and then read them again, and each read is a pleasure in itself. a literary masterpiece. yes, i can tell from the first 20 pages that i've read.

(an earlier reference)

light is everything

as a photographer, i love light. i love what light can do to things. everything on earth is beautiful in the right kind of light. it's all about the lighting. you get the picture (pun intended).

the sun is an object of obsession. in palo alto. in india. everywhere. i love the sun and the warmth (/heat) that it exudes. i feel for those who have not the pleasure of seeing it everyday. what would the world do without sunshine? clearly it would not quite be itself (pun intended)!

but ah, my lamp - it is beautiful. my precious paper lamp that leaks out light in a most gentle, passive fashion. it's more than just a lamp. it is a light-giver, a precious memory, a thing of beauty, a reliever of stress - all in one. feel free to smirk at this post, but i can feel a rise in the happiness levels of the room every minute that this lamp stays on.

sadly, it is time enough to turn it off.
good night now.

mission accomplished

the kitchen is organized.
the food was cooked.
the sink has been cleaned out.
the table shines.
life is beautiful.

deja vu

back at stanford. 'new' graduate student. re-settling into that same old routine. driving around ayrshire lane last night as i looked for a parking spot, i was reminded of many nights spent in the search of parking near home. also of hesitating to drive out because it meant coming back home and looking for parking again, then not being able to find any and walking a long way home. walking on the cool grass from the laundry room to my house reminded me of many evenings spent doing just that. a while ago when i was a resident at angell court. i am sure that next week will overwhelm me further, once classes begin.

my insides seem to be begging for more time to adjust to the changing environment. there is hardly time to catch up with the changes outside, when i still contend with the changes within. why do people ask me how my 'trip' was? it wasn't a trip, it was a journey. almost a process - of discovering - my surroundings and myself. i was gone for 3 months, but the sheer richness of my experiences leaves me convinced that time cannot be measured in hours and days alone. i must've been away for a year, maybe more. really.

when i am asked what i did in india, i have no answers. there is no short answer. the myriad experiences are too hard to list. i could go on a milestone basis - jet lag, idiscoveri, goa/bombay, wedding, bangalore, mysore, delhi again, lucknow, mission 2007, nucleus, mom's return, viral fever, fashion designing - and while some encompass too little and some all too much, i cannot possibly dive into any of these in a conversation that must end in, well, less than a day.

and back to stanford. today p and i went out to purchase my (most expensive) parking permit. came back so that p could take a nap before we leave again to do some extensive grocery shopping for the house. no, for home.

home. what a delightfully loaded word. in a mention, it puts one's heart and head at ease. in a mention, all is familiar, all serene. i love "home". i love home... 101.3 plays all over again, reminding me of days of yore - lying in bed with the radio on, and feeling a thrill run inside when the 'right' songs came on. what defines 'right'? who knows. one of life's mysteries.

today, we'd like to have the kitchen all set up and beautiful, so we can start cooking right away. enough of sandwiches and burgers, i need some good solid indian home-cooked food inside me.

i think i'm done rambling.