this morning

at 7am, while i'm still asleep, my cellphone rings. why would anyone in india - in their sane mind - call me so early?! i pick up, and hear a male voice at the other end. not familiar, not terribly unfamiliar either. just male, really. i decide the voice is probably as sleepy as i am, hence a tad unrecognizable. i feel somewhat agonized when i find myself unable to identify voices (especially when people like a call me and i, like a moron, ask "who is this?"). then it dawns on me: it's sb calling about the books that m wants picked up asap.

(for interested readers who don't know sb/m, don't worry. just understand that yesterday, my life depended on procuring those books so that they could be picked up by sb. evening came and went, but the books are yet to be picked up. no word from lko either. i figured i'd have to wait till today.)

(oh, what about the number that displayed - you might ask. well, duh. it was an unknown number, obviously. i've been forced to get accustomed to seeing unknown numbers on my cell-phone. they call me all the time, and they're usually not unknown people. also, sb runs a cell-phone business and owns a million numbers. there's not enough storage on my phone, quite simply.)

so. i realize it's sb calling and the mystery's over. the rest of the conversation progresses thus:

sb: hello?
me: haan... siddharth?

sb: hello?

me: haan siddharth, bolo. (speak.)

sb: aap so rahi thi? (were you sleeping?)

me: haan, lekin uthne hi vali thi. bolo. (yes, but i was about to wake up. what's up?)
me: books ke liye call kiya hai na? (you're calling for the books, right?)

sb: (mumble mumble)

sb: aap kahan hain? (where are you?)

me: main? ghar pe, aur kahan? (me? at home. where else would i be?)

me: aaj pick-up karva lena kitabon ko, theek hai? (you can have the books picked up today, okay?)

me: hello?
me: theek hai? (ok?)

(the line gets disconnected.)


he calls again, and the above conversation repeats itself. when it again disconnects, i realize sb is probably sleepy. i mean, it's 7am - way before he's normally awake. i conjecture that m must have woken up, read my email that reminded him of the books, and asked sb to call me about them right away, regardless of whether he was awake or asleep. since sb's still only half-up, he must not be able to follow conversation very well, i conclude. he'll probably call again later, when he's more awake.

to understand what's going on, dad walks into the room. i tell him it's sb, calling about the books. dad asks if the books will be picked up soon, and when (since he knows that yesterday, i talked about them as though my life depended on their being picked up, such was the apparent urgency.) i tell him that the line had disconnected, but sb knows now that the books were with me. that in any case, i'll call again to make sure. so i call again. a caller tune plays, and i smile in amusement over how sb keeps a different caller tune for each phone. he picks up the phone.

sb: hello?
me: haan, siddharth?
sb: sushmitaaa?
me: what?

a rude shock, and all falls in place. it's a bloody wrong number. no apologies, no explanations. i hit the red button right away, more with an attempt to undo the enormous gaffe that just took place. and to un-believe that i was responsible for the extreme stupidity. i feel cheated - by him, by the world, by myself. i bury my face into my pillow and force myself to sleep.

the phone rings again. i pick it up grudgingly, hear another "sushmitaaa?", and hit the red button. damnit sb, why wasn't it you?! i turn off the phone and tell myself nothing happened.

i go back to bed.

on a scale from 1 to 10

how honest are we? a recent reader's digest study says 6.7.

rd reporters deliberately mislaid 960 phones across 30 countries of the world, to see how many would be returned, and how the finders would behave. the results were interesting, and in some cases, quite unexpected. ljubljana, slovenia ranked first on the list, with only 1 of the 30 phones left unreturned. surprisingly (i thought) mumbai tied for 5th place with new york and manila. 24/30 phones were returned.

as one would expect, wealth did not guarantee honesty. while a rich woman in auckland grabbed the mobile and bolted, a cold-drinks vendor in mumbai made an attempt to return the lost phone. young people were just as dishonest as the old, and women were more likely to return the phones than men (though that's not surprising). all in all, it was a heartening study, and reinforced some bit of lost faith in the goodness of humankind. a 52 year-old hungarian said, "you find things and you lose things, but you never lose your honesty."

it sucks to lose one's wallet, keys etc. (i would know - i lose my keys at least once a day, on average) but it's heartening to know that there are people around the world who would not shy away from doing a good deed. a while ago, my room-mate's keys were lost. thankfully, they were on a princeton key-chain, and the person who found the keys mailed them to princeton's main office. princeton looked up the id on the key-chain and mailed it back to my room-mate (all the way across the continent to stanford). god bless them.

i'd like to appreciate the honesty in each one of you, across the world. and if you're not so honest, think about it this way - a simple act on your part could earn you someone's goodwill for a long, long time. isn't it worth the effort and the sacrifice (of something that was not yours to begin with)?

2. india

india stands second to uganda in the percentage of teachers that do not teach. a recent unesco report states that the indian education system is mired in corruption and that teachers are the biggest players in it. while the global average for teacher absenteeism is 20%, for india it is 25%. this results in the wastage of 22.5% of education funds in india, the study says. absence of a well-established criteria for recruitment, and the lack of a clear policy on promotion, remuneration and deployment, are listed as the primary reasons for absenteeism.

well. at least we're better than uganda.
thank god for small mercies.

the (un)lucky 13th

my student visa for the u.s. has been approved. this means i'm really going back, and can stop entertaining tempting thoughts of staying back and exploring the many things i could do in india. of course, i can still stay back, but it's rather unlikely given the present scenario.

the interview was at 9.30am. there was only a touch of nervousness because i wasn't carrying original transcripts and degrees (a stupid stupid move when i left the u.s.). this was multiplied manifold while i stood in line and saw two rejections precede me. the wait in line was so long, i thought i'd faint. not from any apparent apprehension, but sometimes, somewhere deep within, a signal fires, and i black out. it's been known to happen. anyway, when i considered the flip side, i.e. having to stay on in india, the thought was all too pleasant. i quickly reverted to smiling and observing my surroundings with a peaceful heart.

there was a board on the wall with photographs of 9 most-wanted fugitives and 26 most-wanted terrorists. interestingly, the terrorists were all muslim. i didn't know any of them, so i went on to observe the people in line, and what little i could discern of preceding interviews. the range of attires was considerable. the men were dressed in t-shirts and jeans, to formal shirts, to shirts and ties, to full-fledged suits. while some of the women were in indian attire, much make-up, and bejewelled head to toe, others were almost skimpily clad. oh well. i realized that pink is a favorite among the guys - there was one who wore a white shirt with pink pin stripes and a bright pink tie to match. very attention-grabbing.

the interview itself was too short for comfort. i had looked forward to being asked what i'd do with my degree, what my long-term goals were (others were being asked these questions, that's why), all in vain. the guy looked at my i-20, said "ooooh, stanford! i've seen a lot of bad universities today, this is a good one." followed by "ooooh, microsoft! that's also a good company." he asked if i'd want to work for microsoft again. i said "possibly", and he said that was it. what? all of 2 minutes? what a letdown :(.

anyway, i have a visa now. and a mission that is en route to fulfillment.

gandhi, my father

just saw the movie in a spiffy delhi theatre. it's nice, though i wasn't quite blown away. the film presents a poignant view of gandhi as a father (one would probably guess). what i'm most amazed by, is how a single human being could pull off a stunt that he did. if you think about it. and this is india we're talking about - the second-most populous nation in the world!

to live, to learn

i was reading a touching piece on sophomore's page. an excerpt (having given due credit):

When was the last time you treated yourself to the luxury of a lazy evening lolling on some grass? Doing absolutely nothing, soaking in a fast dimming curtain of sunlight, feeling each blade of green as it pokes you, hearing a squirrel behind you, stretching yourself in utter abandonment.

these moments, when one has the time to indulge oneself in the little but oh, so special pleasures of life, are indeed rare. wait. are they not more meaningful because they are so rare? and if we took the time to stop and smell the flowers, as they say, daily - would they not lose some of their charm? i do not know really, because these moments in my life are rare. and very, very special. so i play devil's advocate. if there were no excruciating deadlines to spend our time working for, if there weren't only rare occasions when we could take the time to laugh with friends, would we still be able to maximize on the time spent doing just that?

when mum & dad were in bombay, we had an apartment with a generous view of the sea. every evening the sun would set (as it tends to do, generally), and the view was breath-taking. on my first visit, i would gaze at the sun setting over the vast, placid sea, every evening. on subsequent visits, i was not so taken. the sunset was just as magnificent, but taken for granted. just like in bonn, the glorious view of the chapel and the orchards from my bedroom window was taken for granted. just like so many other things.

by no means do i disagree, that in this life so full of care, one must take the time to stand and stare (r.l. stevenson). i only fear the taking for granted. when one keeps away from that evil, there is so much so beautiful, in this world around us. i think that was part of the point anyway. to learn to not take for granted. i think. to truly revel in the mundane little pleasures that life is so richly endowed with. and to not treat them as so mundane.

thinking aloud.

too much to pen

not enough time. sigh. why does it all come down to time? who is time anyway?!

i need a machine that can record my thoughts. not just any thoughts, but the thoughts i wish to have recorded. it should do the filtering for me though. also, it should pen them - directly - onto my blog. mind to blog. directly. got it?

wait a second. it must also know me well enough to know my writing style, and be sure to conform. that should be easy. all it needs to do is read everything i've ever written (that is available) and do the learning.

that's all. any takers? i'm willing to pay a handsome fee.

the curse of the blueline

when i was but a child in school, my older sister would take public transport to her college in north delhi. the only local buses i have been in, to date, were with her. it would be a matter of much excitement to board the bus, be pushed from all sides, struggle to find a seat, and breathe in the odious fumes on the roads of delhi. purely because it was such a rare occurrence, i am sure. anyway, that was the time the redlines had started to function. what was originally a boon for transportation in delhi, quickly turned accident-prone and aggressive. the redlines were operated privately and there was minimal quality control. soon enough, the people of delhi revolted against them. to address the growing unrest these buses were quickly painted blue, commencing - thus - the blueline era.

the superstitious among us, who believe color makes all the difference, can think again. red or not, the bluelines continue to kill. if you're ever in delhi, be sure to keep away. you're probably ok taking these buses, but if you're off, you're likely to get run over. an article in the express newsline today listed the number of blueline fatalaties as 69 in '07. this year is no exception. the number was 100 last year, and higher still, the previous. and these are just the incidents that have been reported. not all errant drivers have been arrested/punished either. many of them were found absconding after the act. whether they were ever caught and put behind bars is anyone's guess.

this woeful association with the bluelines is not being shoved under the carpet, by any means. there are articles a-plenty on lives claimed, the many road accidents, the growing unrest in the minds of the delhi-ites, and action being taken against them by the commissioner of police and the delhi high court. in a recent fitness test drive, 3400 of 3838 bluelines secured red fitness stickers (the numbers vary according to which newspaper you read). it is not known, however, whether the ~400 (3000+ according to other figures) buses that failed the test are off the roads yet. the operators of these buses are also threatening to launch an agitation if their buses are not allowed to run.

the delhi high court asks why the blueline fleet should not be replaced by a "safer" transport system, given the persistent threat to life posed by them. from the test drive statistics above, it appears that the buses themselves are not the sole problem. this is a case of systemic failure. can discipline be enforced? perhaps, if the traffic police is willing. the newly appointed cp, delhi says the indisciplined buses will not be tolerated on delhi roads anymore. he says the delhi police are gearing up to prevent such accidents. he disallows overtaking by bus, and says the police is installing cctv's (closed circuit televisions) to monitor traffic better.

law enforcement is good and needed, but given the dismal traffic situation in delhi we would probably need a traffic policeman per vehicle to fill in for the missing conscience that the drivers leave at home. it is also up to each one of us to do our bit to save our skins. for starters, we can follow the age-old paradigm of looking left and right before we cross, not leave our lives at the mercy of the drivers. this applies not to pedestrians alone, but to all 2, 3 and 4-wheelers who are all too eager to climb one on top of another. that might help save a few lives, while we wait for the uniform to take charge.

cheeni kum

(no, this is not about the movie. but i'll get to that as well.)

indians, it appears to me, consume way too much sugar. for that matter, perhaps americans do as well. and this might be true of all citizens of the world on average. i find, more and more, that i fall a few standard deviations below. i can't handle chocolate, i'd much rather not be fed cake or ice-cream. and although there was a time i would call rasgullas my favorite food, i find i am happier without. what's going on? i told a's dad to see if he could come up with a prognosis. no luck there. i am therefore, condemned, to a life of cheeni kum.

not that i'm complaining. this, perhaps, is a blessing in disguise. and it helps me follow my resolve of cutting down on luxury foods (though i could have the directionality wrong!). and god, it keeps me away from carbonated drinks. i can barely handle a tsp. of sugar - however would i handle the 8 in one serving of coke.


now, the movie. i loved it. tabu is mesmerizing (adu used this word recently, for nothing less than a grey hair. therefore, i guess, it's playing on my mind). ab also did a brilliant job. the dialogues are awesome, and tabu's delivery is uber-natural. she pulls it off quite spectacularly. the little kid in the movie is also a charming little thing.

at the beginning of the movie, ab says (i'm translating), "cooking is an art. while paintings appeal to just the eyes. cooking appeals to the eyes, nose and tongue." interesting point. i was just thinking about it in the morning. it's exciting to start with mere vegetables and end up with something fancy and appealing to these senses. all in a matter of minutes. of course, the art gets destroyed within minutes as well. but at least it does its part in keeping us alive.

from now on - to be an artist is to be a good cook. got that?

millee, to me

i've written in the past about millee, and added links to shed light on what millee means. the millee experience for me, however, would've been severely lacking if not for the amazing people it brought my way. the less said, the better. we wouldn't want some people to get bloated heads, would we?!

so, here's an introduction. the team consists of matt - the project lead, siddharth b. - matt's logistics expert, anuj t. - a 4th year at daiict, anuj k., siddhartha l., akhilesh d.m. - all 3rd years at daiict, dave - phding at berkeley, jacek - at lse, and yours truly. oops, i forgot aish - our sole representative from the north-east, the flooded terrain of assam (iitg).

matt is a proud singaporean doing his phd in berkeley. he and i were undergrads at berkeley around the same time, but we never met. this is probably because either i was working hard and matt wasn't, or vice versa. you can choose.


siddharth is the guy with a million businesses running all at the same time. he's the guy to contact if you want an air ticket, a train ticket, a cell-phone, an internet connection, mangoes, just about anything.


anuj t. and i barely spent any time together. he left mysore when i got there, and went to lucknow after i'd left (purely coincidental, i am sure). he's second-in-command after matt. a responsible guy who loves chilly paneer.


then there's anuj k. his heart starts to race every time he sees the drm's office. affectionately called chiku, he brings joy to the hearts of many, with his adorable chiku-like smile.


siddhartha l. (they say) is not to be trusted. i think he's just fine. lazy, but fine. for the first two weeks that i knew him he would not say a word to me. now he tells me that was the assessment period. i must have passed.



akhilesh d.m. is also affectionately called akhil, though his name is really akhilesh das. if you think he's quiet and introverted, you have much to discover. he talks non-stop now, until he's hit on the head.


david and i have not met, but we've exchanged over a hundred emails. literally. he speaks hindi perfectly, and drives a bmw (i am told). he's also offered to pay me if i allow him to use his bmw to help me move into my new house in september. his wit is second only to mine.

as for jacek - at a loss for words.

and oh, aish. aish is like me. he loves to organize events and doesn't ever study. he also believes in standing up for what's right. we differ in that i do not believe used batteries should be thrown out the window of a stationary car (or a moving one, for that matter).


and you know me :).

oh look, a photo!

this is anusha, a fifth-grader in karekura. if i could sum up my summer in a thousand words, i'd use this picture to convey them. it symbolizes, for me, all that is pure - love, trust, freedom, openness, lack of inhibition, child-like innocence, a smile that endears. the world is beautiful when you see it through these eyes... there is more to love, more to cherish, and to give. ironic, that i had gone to see if i could make a change in the lives of the children, her included, but came back a changed person myself.

the elephant paradigm

india is not a tiger, and change will always be slower than in east asia. india is an elephant which has stirred from its slumber and has finally begun to move ahead with a degree of determination. however, unlike a sprinting tiger that runs out of steam, the elephant has stamina.

gurcharan das

h2o

i had meant to go swimming earlier this week, many times in fact. the first day, i got lazy - it'd been a while since i'd been (swimming, not lazy - i'm never lazy). the second day, i had important visa-related errands to run. the third, i was about to leave (with elaborate plans, mind you, of eating chinese at the gymkhana after my swim) when bua and co. came over and stayed until the pool closed. fourth time lucky however... today it finally happened.

and boy, was it wonderful. i did 400m in 23 minutes - my best swim ever. not only that, it felt absolutely heavenly to be in the water. the color, the temperature, the feel, and the sun set ting outside - all so beautiful. i could do this forever.

i should.

anyway, i couldn't help thinking how fortunate we are to have water in our lives. you know? in rain and snow, the sea, falls, lakes and rivers, fountains, even the bathtub, it associates itself with such charm, serenity, life, and elegance. fundamental to life, to living, is it not a blessing to behold?

in the words of antoine de st. exupery: "it has no taste, no colour, no smell, no definition in fact, yet it is life itself."

thank god, for small mercies!

yes, india has its share of problems. and we complain about them all the time. power cuts, road rage, not enough water, too much water, politicians, bureaucrats, long lines, filth, pollution, what have you... i was thinking today, thank god - what if we didn't have any of these problems? what if the roads were clean, we had good sewage systems, proper water management, kind and honest politicians, solid socio-economic infrastructure, and tractable traffic? well, with all its cultural heritage, historical beauty, warm and compassionate people, democratic rule... it would easily be the world's hottest country to live in. we already have a billion people living here, however would we keep the other 5 away?

our reality, hence, is a blessing in disguise. if you think about it.

goa, and why i take pictures

i was thinking about my trip to goa. while the memories are still fresh, they would soon have been erased from mind had i not the pictures for association. these may not cover every minute, every hour, but they do help to reconstruct times in the past.

the picture of s's ashtray, for instance, and of a standing at the villa entrance with a cup of tea, reminding me of the hours that followed our (t's and my) arrival in goa. since s and i had not been introduced yet, we were getting together for the very first time. in a&s's villa, we talked about cameras, tripods and such, and the benefits of having an slr. (gosh, how predictable!)

i ventured out to take some pictures of the palms, and the sea, until tea was ready. i also brought in the wet dirt from outside, that s politely got rid of. after talking for a while, we made a trip to the gym where i did yoga, and the others worked out (yeah, this is what we traveled all the way to goa for :). in those days, skipping yoga had seemed quite unacceptable!). later, while s&t played tt, a&i sat on the swing nearby and had a long, pleasant conversation. when s&t were done, i took pictures of our tired selves. these pictures trigger off memories of the entire evening, and of s's smiley-face t-shirt.

that night we celebrated t's birthday in the banquet hall. the cake was beautiful, the pictures will attest. a put her camera on a table far away so she could get a self-timed shot of us all. i remember her rushing back to our table to get there in time for the shot because i took a picture of it :).

that night we also played grab and teen patti. i find it hard on the conscience to play grab with new players. perhaps i should just stay out of the game... perhaps i should encourage team play... looking for ideas. t&i then retreated to our villa and chatted into the night.

the next morning, i woke up early to do yoga, while t ventured out to take some beautiful pictures. we also had an extended photo session at the water-front. a and i brought out our tripods as well (my camera, in fact, survived a major fall... the tripod was unstable and in the process of toppling over when i caught it. what a hero!). in fact, among the three of us, we had five cameras. this morning is captured in pictures. so are the waves, the sand, the thoughts.

after eating at the banquet hall, we lounged in the villa for a bit, before heading out into the lawns. after a photo session on the hammock (following d's phone-call from france, which i was most excited to receive), we sat around and played antakshari until it was dark. again, there are pictures of the evening, the sunset, and the lights coming on. this is when i experimented with my tripod to take longer exposures.

s, in his infinite wisdom, did a marvelous job of predicting the rain seconds before it started (thus saving my camera equipment from any damage, god bless him). we rushed into the villas, and played a game of dumb-charades before heading to dinner. t&i were on a team, and we lost miserably. that night, we ate at the chinese restaurant. i remember the potato-in-mustard-sauce preparation they had served. no, this is not in the pictures, but who could forget a dish so exotic :).

again, t&i chatted into the night. morning yoga followed, and the usual large breakfast. i spent some time lying on the grass, talking to n, while a&t did a photo-shoot for each other. i remember a huge pile of freshly mowed grass sat where i lay, thanks to the pictures a&t took of me. s joined us then, and we all played chess on the life-size chess board (the pieces were so heavy, i couldn't carry them. you have to see the pictures to believe it!). s&t (almost) won, with little intervention from t :). not to blame her, for she and i were both busy taking pictures at the time.

i said almost above, because it started raining before the game could end, so we rushed into the lobby. s&t played pool, a&i chatted about various things. i don't have pictures of this session because a was sick of camera presence. i decided i could do without it too, for a bit.

when the rain stopped, we went swimming. t, s and i were in the pool, playing water polo (or our variation anyway) while a took pictures and sipped on her martini :). after we had showered, we were all too tired to go to dinner and just ordered in. also downloaded and looked at the hundreds of pictures we had taken. t&i talked until 3am that night. it was our last night in the resort, we were to leave the next morning at 11.

the morning was beautiful, and we ate breakfast outdoors for a change. for reasons i cannot remember, the resort folks had been hosting all meals in the banquet hall until that morning. the weather was something else that morning... it was cool and breezy, with clouds on the horizon. an unforgettable morning, though not on camera.

as we waited for the car to come, i got to take some pictures of the lobby and outside. there was a pottery hut and a kids' corner we had not seen. i'm sure there was much of the resort left unseen. next time, perhaps. the drive back to the airport was rich and colorful. there were fields with farmers and livestock, lots of forestry, and multi-colored houses along the way.

my vacation in goa was spent in much introspection. setting the mood for the rest of my stay in india, perhaps. it also initiated a desire to see more, learn more of india in all its diversity, to see how the varied people of the country, my country, live. the problems of these people are so different from mine, from those of my parents. they eat differently, wear different clothes, speak a different language, and yet something binds me to them deep within. while the americans i live with, work/study with, share a present and some part of a future with, still feel like strangers to me. is it not strange, and in some way almost magical?


p.s. if you know me, you know where to find these pictures.

oh no!

one of my friends in the u.s. just asked me if i'd been blogging. well, it's true that i have been, but not nearly to the extent that i can say i've maintained a travelog. i was hit by a pang of regret, an "oh, no!" for more than half my time in india is over (much more, in terms of happening-ness anyway) and i have little to show for it here.

for what it's worth, i shall make an attempt in coming days to record as much as i can, so that when i'm asked next "did you keep a travel blog?", i will be able to proclaim proudly - "yes".



on afterthought - it just occurred - it's quite okay after all. i could simply say that i spent the major chunk of my vacation doing and then took the time to write it all down. (not that anyone is interrogating :). this is for my own personal satisfaction.)

justified text

what a moron! i only just realized that i can beautifully justify all my text. if only i had known, my posts would have looked so much prettier. sigh. please to forgive. i will be better in future. (and will also now go better my past.)

thoughts

yesterday, n asked, "so, what have you been thinking about these days?". although i knew i had been immersed in thought lately, over various issues, i was embarrassed to not be equipped with an answer at hand. it is futile to think about issues, i realize, unless one also takes the time to think what one has been thinking about, and to articulate these thoughts. blogging is an excellent medium in that it helps one achieve articulation. this is my attempt, for what it's worth.

this indian summer has given me food for thought in plenty. i pondered over the psychology of those indian drivers who spend 90% of their driving time on the horn, and then of those who drive the bluelines in delhi, and ruthlessly kill. this then led to thoughts about the fleetingness and unpredictability of life. while life ends all over the globe, its value in india is admittedly diminishing. plain economics of supply and demand, perhaps.

i'm reading "the elephant paradigm" by gurcharan das. it isn't light reading, and stores a wealth of knowledge and information. i read a few pages and put it away, continuing days later. the author presents several indian stereotypes, puts forth his theories and critiques. while the criticism is all constructive, who's really listening? not the people who have the power to make a change.

on the personal front, my experience at karekura, i believe, was life-changing. spending (only) 8 days in mysore helped to make the before and after all the more stark. while the first day saw much inhibition and awkwardness - i did not know what to say, how to behave with these kids who so freely showered affection, on the last day i was heart-broken to leave. the kids had found a place in my heart, just as i (hope i) had found a place in theirs. inhibitions had been broken, and communication was free - unconstrained even by the inability to speak a common language. human beings are born with a fundamental inclination to love and to trust. as we age, we acquire inhibitions, become more cynical, more inward. it is then the children who teach us (i speak, at least, for myself) that life is happier when free, when filled with love.

in studied interactions with people here, i found - it is oh, so easy to criticize. no matter what the situation, however harmless, there is an inclination to put things down, to compare to 'better' things. i do not despise criticism. i do believe though, that it is best done constructively, with a view to improve. most comparisons appear to be between apples and oranges, and there is an over-inclination to exaggerate the negative. documenting instances here would be a waste of time, i am sure we encounter enough in our daily living. my point is this: it is advisable to take negative opinions/reviews with a grain of salt. a review is much influenced by the eyes of the reviewer, just as beauty is said to lie in the eye of the beholder. learning to make unbiased judgments is a skill, and an important one.

i'm tired now. long posts are not my thing, but for posterity's sake i make compromises. more in a later post. time to get the day started. it's past noon already.

A Walk By Moonlight

Last night — it was a lovely night,
And I was very blest —
Shall it not be for Memory
A happy spot to rest?

Yes; there are in the backward past
Soft hours to which we turn —
Hours which, at distance, mildly shine,
Shine on, but never burn.

And some of these but yesternight
Across my path were thrown,
Which made my heart so very light,
I think it could have flown.

I had been out to see a friend
With whom I others saw:
Like minds to like minds ever tend —
An universal law.

And when we were returning home,
"Come who will walk with me,
A little way", I said, and lo!
I straight was joined by three:

Three whom I loved — two had high thoughts
And were, in age, my peers;
And one was young, but oh! endeared
As much as youth endears.

The moon stood silent in the sky,
And looked upon our earth:
The clouds divided, passing by,
In homage to her worth.

There was a dance among the leaves
Rejoicing at her power,
Who robes for them of silver weaves
Within one mystic hour.

There was a song among the winds,
Hymning her influence —
That low-breathed minstrelsy which binds
The soul to thought intense.

And there was something in the night
That with its magic wound us;
For we — oh! we not only saw,
But felt the moonlight around us.

How vague are all the mysteries
Which bind us to our earth;
How far they send into the heart
Their tones of holy mirth;

How lovely are the phantoms dim
Which bless that better sight,
That man enjoys when proud he stands
In his own spirit's light;

When, like a thing that is not ours.
This earthliness goes by,
And we behold the spiritualness
Of all that cannot die.

'Tis then we understand the voice
Which in the night-wind sings,
And feel the mystic melody
Played on the forest's strings.

The silken language of the stars
Becomes the tongue we speak,
And then we read the sympathy
That pales the young moon's cheek.

The inward eye is open then
To glories, which in dreams
Visit the sleeper's couch, in robes
Woven of the rainbow's beams.

I bless my nature that I am
Allied to all the bliss,
Which other worlds we're told afford,
But which I find in this.

My heart is bettered when I feel
That even this human heart
To all around is gently bound,
And forms of all a part;

That, cold and lifeless as they seem,
The flowers, the stars, the sky
Have more than common minds may deem
To stir our sympathy.

Oh! in such moments can I crush
The grass beneath my feet?
Ah no; the grass has then a voice,
Its heart — I hear it beat.

- Henry Louis Vivian Derozio

(Thank you Red, for introducing me to this masterpiece.)

as for my birthday

for those of you who remember, please try to forget. if you aren't able to, please somehow find it in you to refrain from wishing me. allow me to jump from the day-before to the day-after without a word or a sound, and i will treat you all to much happiness.

yours truly.

MILLEE says goodbye to Karekura

after spending an unforgettable summer at karekura, millee has now switched base to lucknow (uttar pradesh). it was heart-breaking to leave the 50 kids that (not just david) we all fell in love with, but with the objective being to do a comparative study in the north, it became necessary to pack our bags and go north :(.

not that saying goodbye is ever easy, but this time was especially hard. how do you explain to these kids that you've shared every day with (for all of 8 weeks) that you might never be back again? when they've spent nearly every summer morning looking forward to your arrival? truth be told, we had come to look forward to our days with them quite as much. after all, we too had our learning experiences to undergo.

david put it aptly - they loved us just because we were there. i still remember my first day with them - i was embarrassed to be given so much attention. ten of them were on me at a time, asking "what is your name?". on hearing mine they would promptly offer theirs (and i'd try hard to remember, to do justice to their enthusiasm). but these were all the words we could exchange in a common language. all other communication we shared was across the language barrier.

a memorable incident i shall always recount was when i was showing anusha the pictures i had taken on my camera one morning. she asked me to scroll through all the pictures, then go to the ones i had taken the day before. i had visited my (stanford) room-mate's grandparents, aunt, and cousin. anusha made me explain to her who was who, and registered all. i was touched beyond words at the way the conversation proceeded... not because she registered all (obviously), but because she really cared to understand who was who... in the bit of my life i exposed to her.

there are many little things that made these children unforgettable to us...

• their undying enthusiasm in greeting us and saying goodbye for one. gosh, it was a process to get in and get out of school. in the afternoons, an incessant wave of "bye"s would surround us, making the ensuing silence almost hard to handle.
• the hypnotic effect the camera had on them (esp. mine, truly :). they'd lose interest in all else and beg for photos. radha, in fact, cared little for anything around her if a camera was visible. also adorable was the pose anusha and co. would strike as soon as the camera was aimed at them. definitely mind-blowing :).
• sheer lack of inhibition when it came to pouncing upon us to tickle, shower us with hugs and kisses, and inevitably causing us to lose our balance. (i learnt to shed mine, day after day.)
  
• the tender smiling faces when they saw the "winner" screen on the phones. (and sometimes, even when they'd lost but thought they'd won... in floored e.g. :)
  
• the "fider"-"spider" incident between siddharaju and anusha that will be talked about to kingdom come.
  
• srividya showing attitude, according to aish. the little miss has the most beautiful, penetrating eyes i've seen on a child.
  

these are only among a few, and those that came to mind first. the entire experience is hard to sum up in words. i think i speak for us all in that the infectious smiles and laughter that these kids added to our lives for this brief period will be reminisced about for years to come.

david, in all his awesomeness, put together an awesome yearbook for the kids. hopefully they will remember each of us, and each other. we'll definitely remember them all. if you'd like to see the yearbook, david will be only too happy to oblige. if you'd like to see more photos, just send me a request and i'll send you the url.

as for the present - our move to lucknow has been an effort, but successful. there will be more on that in a later post.

and finally, mysore

i am going to minimize my effort and copy/paste entries from the millee blog. please excuse.

there hasn't been an update on the activities at the school for a while. seeing as i am the new (and thus, most wide-eyed-in-fascination) member of millee, i take it upon myself to do the needful...

our tata sumo (driven by the able purushottam bhaiya) picks up a sumoful of people each morning (a subset of all researchers and interpreters) and heads to the village that is karekura, a few kms off the outskirts of mysore. the ride is a tad bumpy once we get to the village, as expected, and we are treated to the sights of sugar-cane and rice fields, bullock carts, sheep and goats, and many, many palm trees as we trudge along, for roughly 10 km.

the kids await our arrival with much anticipation, ready to pounce upon us in full force as soon as we're out of the vehicle. there are incessant sounds of "hi, __ aunty", "hi, __ uncle", 'til it's time for them to line up for assembly. assemblies consist of the children standing height-wise in four very straight lines, while one of the teachers takes charge. in unison they recite a few prayers and sing the national anthem. a couple of kids sneakily look toward us on the side, chanting on all the same :).

when assembly ends, there is a short break before the kids assemble into their classes. this is when the camera comes out and chaos reigns. there are a million echoing sounds of "torsi aunty" as i click away (torsi means show in kannada. everyone wants to be in the photo, and the kids push and pull to be in the frame. little do they know that i almost never have a wide angle lens on, so there is just not a chance that more than two faces will fit. but they're happy to pose, and happy to see their friends on the lcd after the picture is taken :). in fact, they are happy any which way, which is one of the things that makes them so special.

when work actually begins, anuj (in matt's absence) decides which of the kids will do what (with the phones) and activity begins. watching the kids learn, or even not learn (as the case may be) is a fascinating experience. we stumble, often fail, and thus we carve our route towards success....

as for the logistics, we only work with some of the kids some of the time. since school continues to run 'normally' for them, we're really stealing their time away from classes. one wonders if one does them enough justice by taking away those hours of study from them. one tends to conclude in one's favour... the last week saw the kids pick up the clothing game, floored with action verbs, and the tree-tree (local) game.

'tis hard to document everything that happens in school, simply because every day is so different and new. you can imagine that not a boring moment is found within the walls of karekura. leaving is always sad, and quite a process. it takes only about 15 minutes for each of us to bid goodbye to each of them, with promises of seeing them the following morning. the sea of kids crowds around our vehicle till we are all in, and then sings farewell till the vehicle is out of sight. what does one do with all that attention, really?!

oh, and this post took so long (could not help the lack of internet supply these last few days) to finish that there's another update - david did a brilliant job with putting together the yearbook. it's finally done and looks inordinately spiffy. please contact him if you'd like to take a look.

over and out.

photos

are finally in the process of being up. i kinda wanted the world to know, but i'm not so sure who's reading this and when. in any case, i still need to add captions (and some crucial photos from karekura), so please check there again. there is enough meat for the present.

my camera, incidentally, survived a great fall. i was in delhi, between mysore and lucknow, and putting my camera bag inside my bedroom, not realizing the bag was unzipped (this has happened enough times before but without any damages suffered). the camera fell, most thankfully (you cannot imagine how), on the lens, which cracked brutally. the glass, miraculously, remained intact.

since, the frame of the lens has been repaired (for rs. 450), the camera was not injured at all, and my 12-hour headache that started at the time of the fall is also now gone. i was in an embarrassing state, really, when this happened. in fact, i was really losing it. until i realized that there was no option but to get a new camera... no matter the cost, i couldn't be without one. that eased things a bit...

phew

the net is back. and boy, was it an effort. i called and called. nothing happened. i called other numbers. got hung up on. finally, asked my dad to call, and things happened.

anyway, i am now online, and all else is unimportant.

mission 2007: day 3

day 2 was short, but day 3 was shorter still. going by the agenda, i decided to attend the afternoon and evening sessions. the afternoon session was to start at 2.45, and i got there at 3 - only to realize that they had changed the agenda for the day, and decided to compress the two sessions into one. argh! some of the panelists were from the govt. and shed little light on anything at all. the others spoke from the corporate sector - scojo and msri. i am not one to condemn the govt. for anything and everything, but the presentations from the private sector were distinctly superior. while the govt. officials talked from a high-level (high enough that you and me could have constructed the essays that they read), the corporate sector presenters were to-the-point, spoke about real world examples, and presented videos on their projects.

the govt. must be doing something in the ict sector! even if it weren't of scale (which i decidedly doubt), there are certainly projects these speakers could have picked up and discussed. oh, the sheer apathy!

mission 2007: day 2

the rainfall last night was heavy enough that the city was afloat this morning. traffic suffered, as a result. the driver who was to arrive at 9am to pick me up, made it 2 hours later. it took me another 1.5 hours to get to the campus. i was hoping to see some security, again, since sheila dikshit was to come. none. i was also hoping to see a lot of media, promised yesterday. none. the booths were even less populated than yesterday. i guess the rain scared the others off as well.

when i got there, i went to the qualcomm booth and looked for arif khan. found him, and we talked for a while. i demoed one of the games (the clothing game) to him. he also introduced me to parag, and - in a nutshell - said that we should try to meet up in the qualcomm office in the near future.

after that, i walked around to see the booths i had missed (and that were populated) and met rg from msri. we talked about digital green in some detail. then proceeded to have lunch (that was a process - people cut the line like nobody's business, and no number of dirty looks can sway them from their purpose). anuva was gone, and i didn't know anyone else there, so i went into the auditorium and waited for the next session to start.

there were 3 panelists in the session - 2 from the govt. and 1 from tcs - the vp of csr. i had already learned enough about the projects at tcs, and the govt. representatives spoke so genericly ("so far, the role of the govt. has always been seen as that of a regulator, or a facilitator. this is one sector where the govt. has gone much further." yeah, the talk proceeded at just that level and i walked out in the middle).

day 2 was much shorter, and day 3 is yet to start (it is 10.30 am friday). arif promised me that the scale of the conference was not going to shoot up, so i will attend today's panel discussion in the afternoon and come back home. 'tis hard to imagine that anyone will shed any light on any areas not already covered in the past couple of days, but let's give them a chance.

more later.

south-indian? really?

in my conversation with arif at the conference today (details to come soon), he asked me "you're from the south, right?". i jumped to defend my roots, telling him in more than a few words where i was from and the many places i had lived at. not that i have anything against being south-indian, not that i could afford to - with the 100 tam-bram friends that i have. but why, oh why, do i appear south-indian to people?

don't think i'm over-reacting, it's not just arif. it's pretty much everyone who meets me for the first time. south-indians included, mind you. it's been a while since someone met me and said "hi there, you look like you're from delhi". not that i want to hear that either actually, come to think of it.

i'd like to know, if you could please help... pray, what in my face looks south-indian, do you think?

drab?

sl wants me to add photos and jazz this page up a bit. i look at it and think it looks quite alright. i think i'm growing old, sigh.

but ok, photos. where? of what, or who?

if people have any suggestions, please to contribute.

the next time i organize a conference

• i will ensure that there are name tags for all participants,
  
• that there is a registration desk to house these tags,
• as well as other items, such as the agenda for the conference.
• i will not be found absconding on the day of the event,
• and will return calls of those who try to call me >10 times.
• i will also not artificially hype the event by advertising multiple honorary guests (e.g. president of india, c.m. of delhi) whose arrival is tbd.
  

• i will ensure that the technology pavilion does not leak water onto all the technological products on display (water and technology don't always get along),
• that tables/booths promised are tables/booths delivered,
• there is an audience for these booths outside of the booth-owners themselves,
• and that the distribution of space to participants is equal and just.

• i won't use projectors if i don't expect people to look at them.
• if i expect people to look at them, i won't infest the auditorium with enormous sun-like lamps pointing at a ceiling with a hundred lights of its own.
• i will encourage ppt presentations,
• and also make sure i look at them first, to see that the font size is large enough to be read by at least the first row.
  

• i will not allow floors to be slippery, rain or no rain,
• nor have more dirt out than in.
• i will ensure that there is good, clean drinking water on all days of the conference, not just the first!
• and take away plates of food from those who dare to cut lines.
• last, but not least, i will serve good quality tea during tea breaks,
• and not in cups being shared by flies.
  

man, what a mission!

day 0:

although the conference started today, i was at the venue yesterday morning - trying to get a table/booth/wall/anything to display the millee poster. the technology pavilion was quite small - housing not more than 20 booths in all. there was an entrance to a common area (where food was to be served, and there was some seating space) and beyond that was a fairly large auditorium, where the panel discussions were to take place. i was with anuva (one of my closest friends of 15 years), who was in charge of the tcs booth (very fancy, that). in contrast, the qualcomm booth was such an eyesore, gosh. it was huge - artifically raised on a platform that had grass artificially planted into it. there were artificial beams with several lights on it (you know - the kind that hide in the ceiling). why lights, when the event was to be held from 11 to 6 in the day, i do not know! then there were two plasma screens. of course, the light was strong enough that one could not see anything on the screens either. but who cares, i guess.

i waited for ms. gangavidya (the event organizer) to show up, so i could get a space. unfortunately, after keeping me waiting for an hour she did a no-show. first, told me to find another mr. senthil kumaran, then to find another soul. no one was wearing name tags, how was i to know? i went inside the convention center asking around for a senthil kumaran, and they told me to go to the av section. the av section of the convention center, that is, which - incidentally - happened to be quite a distance from the convention center. of course, i had to first go to the convention center from one entrance, do a full circle, exit from another door, go round the building, and come back to the place where i started. all in search of the darned elusive senthil kumaran. i was simultaneously calling qualcomm to know if i could be hosted by their booth - for they had this very convenient spot that read "education" and "wireless reach program". of course, not like calling qualcomm was an easy task. after many failed attempts at calling arif khan, whose contact number had been generously shared with me by anuva (thank you, anuva!), i asked the guy working at setting up the booth to get me in touch with the in-charge. i was put in touch with a shekhar kapur, who, apparently, doesn't even work for qualcomm! but how was i to know - i asked him if i could put up a poster, he said that was fine. i said it was a 20x30 rolled-up poster. he said they'd even mount it for me. what could be better, i had gotten my work done. yipppeeee! or so i thought...

i finally heard back from arif when i was way on my way to the airport (to meet anuj t.). he said shekhar kapur was only a contractor setting up the booth and had no authority to allow me to set up shop there. he wasn't rude or anything, but said it didn't make sense for them to host me at their booth. after some to-fro, he said he'd talk to linda - who was down in delhi from san diego.

very soon, linda called me and asked if millee was under john canny. i thought i was on the road to success, finally... yippeeee! or so i thought! she said that tcs were the grand prize winners at the competition, and that they were going to be there at the pavilion, and that it would be weird for us to be hosted there if tcs wasn't. um, ok. i tried a different card then - i told her i had run into tcs at the venue that day ("run into"... not really, since anuva and i went together) and that they were ok with us being at the qualcomm booth while they had a separate booth of their own. (it made sense, anyway, since tcs had the largest booth finally - with huge banners, and things, but anuva hadn't really said this to me - in those words. but what's the point of being friends for 15 years if you can't throw one's name around thus ;) anyway, i thought it was all sorted out then. later, however, arif called again to say he had made other arrangements. i was so tired by then i said ok and that i'd deal with it tomorrow (now today).

of course, more to mention - gangavidya said today there would be high security because the president of india was attending, and so i would not be allowed any brochures or cell phones. ahem. i had to beg for permission to carry a cell phone. and had to resort to printing visiting-card-like information cards because they were not going to allow anything else. of course, i have never printed visiting cards before, but am now an expert - so there, i learned something new.

that, i think, sums up the day. now to -

day 1:

i get there on my own today, losing my way along the way... the venue is an hour from home, and the road (for about a mile) to the ignou campus (the venue) is rocky as hell. there was lots of finding-the-right-person, calling-everyone-incessantly, etc. going on for a while. i spoke to 4 new people at the qualcomm booth, since none of arif/linda/shekhar-kapur were there. no one knew what to do with me or my poster. and they all had different suggestions. one wanted to put the poster center-stage, one wanted to put it at the very darkest corner of the stall where it had negative visibility (seriously!), one said i should go find gangavidya, one set about to find a table... anyway, in the end i had no table. because ms. gangavidya was eating price... tons of it. she didn't pick up my phone once, and i called eight times. she didn't answer the qualcomm guy's either. none of the security guards could find her. what kind of event coordinator disappears from the scene on the day of the event? gosh.

since i had little to do then but wait, and anuva had tons, i walked around talking to everyone in every booth individually. not all booths were fully present today, but i talked to some folks about their applications. it was an exercise in social skills. but thank goodness, i passed with flying colours (self-proclaimedly of course). i learned about some products made by tcs, hcl, tata tele-services, media labs asia, etc. and was quite glad to do so. then anuva grabbed me for a coffee and we headed to the pvr complex in saket. first, we ate more junk at mcd's (so much for my avoidance of mnc chains, etc.) and then drank coffee at barista. when we got back, we ran into parag and linda, and said hi. parag gave me his card and told me i must write to him, that he'd love to meet with us and discuss probable future courses. i said i'd get in touch with him (i still haven't, but give me a break - i will soon).

the first panel discussion had started by then, and we attended. anuva was soon bored though :) so she left early. i went out at the tea break, and found that the tea area was as crowded as the old-delhi railway station, and the tea was tea-bag tea. what the heck?! life is so unfair. i went around looking for arif, failed, then went back in to attend the second panel discussion.

by this time, most interestingly, it was pouring outside, and in the technology pavilion, not even the very funky glass ceiling was able to keep all of the rain out. there were 50 leaks in the ceiling, and every one had vacated their booths by 4, not to return for the day. ahem. what if it rains tomorrow? will cross that bridge once i get to it, i guess.

the second panel discussion was interesting, until it got interrupted to host mr. amar singh - the esteemed politician, dressed in his kurta-pyjama and sleeveless vest. (why do all netas dress like that? why? if i were male and a neta, i would wear a nice collar shirt and pants, and look around proudly!)

by then it was already 6 though, so i waited for a couple more presentations and decided to call it a day. i had been perhaps the only individual representative, and a day of un-success and alone-ness-in-motive was quite enough to take. i left at 6.30 and heaved a sigh of relief.

the day was not as unproductive as it deceptively appears. i did get to talk to a lot of people and did distribute some cards. and qualcomm expressed interest, didn't it? anyway, tomorrow (apparently) sheila dikshit is expected, and the media will arrive. which means, the booths will be full as well... or so we hope. more than anything, i am pleased to have attended the panel discussions. they were awesome - informative and educational. but the rural technology initiatives discussed will need to be penned later (since this has already become the longest post of all time).


(i fell asleep on the laptop as i typed the above, so it is already day 2, and it is raining outside. we shall see if anything materializes. but tell me, how can one not have arrangements to deal with rainfall at an event of such scale? beats me...)

aromatic pleasure

there is space to breathe
to learn
to grow
'tis all in the act
of letting go
of the self
of love
inhibitions unspoken
there is more to speak
when the ice
is broken
and when the door
is ajar
and the winds
are free
there is more to behold
more beauty
to see

"less is more"

i know what the phrase means to convey, and i kinda like the sound of it too, but don't you think it serves really to confuse? what does "less is more" mean? the logician in me concludes that "less = more" in which case "less than = more than" and so on, so forth.

that doesn't work. and i'd really rather that people didn't use these sort of things in speech/writing.

on the other hand, there's the aesthetician (if there's such a word, which there isn't since it just got a red squiggly under it but you know what i mean) in me that simply loves it, and uses it every chance it gets. and you can take it one further and establish transitivity with a "and more is less" addition.

crazy english-speakers. i bet it was the americans who coined it. has got to be.

i am back again :)

from lucknow. oh, so happy to be home, but oh, so sad to leave millee.

i was going to write something, and now i've completely forgotten what it was. so i'll just stop now and write again tomorrow maybe.

nighty night.

from lucknow

it's 3.43am, and maybe i should sleep. it's raining outside and there is finally internet in the house, so i resist for a little while longer.

as for the last few days, they've been ultra-amazing - getting to know good people, and having a marvelous time. the learning never ends. the work (and it truly runs round the clock) is undoubtedly fun and interesting, and there is always something interesting to do - always. (these days i've been very busy coming up with a million nicknames for my team-members.)

unfortunately, i don't know where to start to really give any details. am headed back to delhi (for the next 1.5 months) in a couple of days, and maybe then life will return to its normal net-fed state. and then when i'm back in the bay, things will really return to 'normalcy'. interestingly, there is a strictly inverse relationship between comfortable living and living reality...

just thought i'd say hi and wish you well.
i hope life's been treating you good.

overwhelmed

a couple days after leaving mysore, i just received a phone call from the kids. due to some unusual circumstances i had been unable to say bye to them, and they called to ask me how i was. there is little else that can be communicated on the phone, between people who do not speak a common language, barring a few sentences. (i will stop here on language, or i might never end. the last few days have seen a lot of thinking on that front - the benefits, the pitfalls of language, and i need more time for articulate expression.)

i am back to being overwhelmed. the little settling down i had done yesterday after getting here has now been undone. starting now, all over again.

meet the parents

yesterday, i was in bangalore, spending the night at p's place, getting to know her family, and therefore her, a little better. i was especially moved by the look and feel of their house. it was not just that it was beautiful, tastefully decorated, and pleasing to the eye. there was more to it - it was filled with light and warmth, but cool and airy at the same time. it was so cosy that i couldn't make up my mind where to sit, most of the time. but more than anything, it was perfectly representative of the people who lived there - friendly, cheerful, and endearing. the kind of house i would call a home the moment i stepped in. you know what i mean?

hmmm...

the previous post belongs to a different age, a different person - or so it seems. for continuity's sake - yes, the wedding happened, and it was much fun. you can tell from the photos on smugmug, can't you?

i am back from mysore. actually, i am back from bangalore, mysore, and perhaps most importantly - karekura. the trip involved a diverse set of experiences, all of which i cannot document now, not when i am still reeling. i will soon post more, perhaps on the more befitting blog, that has been starved of posts for a while. well it doesn't matter, either way. i will also post pictures, all in due time (though it will be a task to ascertain which pictures will make the mark - of the 1000s i have clicked).

meanwhile, please visit the millee blog. what is millee? find out for yourself.

bursting...

with excitement.

today is the wedding. yippee yayy!

please read

the following blog:
The Quest for Certitude

there's a lot this blog and i have in common, and definitely worth a read (if not several).

in the news

there was mention of a couple who had fallen in love but were unable to marry because they belonged to the same gotra. so they eloped, only to be put to death soon after by their relatives. in fact, they were fed pesticides, tied up, and thrown into the canal.

the news was not shocking, no, because one is no longer surprised to hear of tales that belong best to times long gone. still immensely tragic, is it not?


i have to admit i was not aware of what gotra meant, before i read this article, let alone know my own gotra. every day one learns something new. i am now on a mission to discover all my brothers and sisters across the world.

um... yeah...

a poem

i am not in the habit of posting poetry here. but there are feelings conveyed in this poem oh-so-beautifully. the imagery is exquisite, the pain is real. a delightful read in a sad sort of way.

To His Lost Lover
-Simon Armitage

Now they are no longer
any trouble to each other

he can turn things over, get down to that list
of things that never happened, all of the lost

unfinishable business.
For instance ... for instance,

how he never clipped and kept her hair, or drew a hairbrush
through that style of hers, and never knew how not to blush

at the fall of her name in close company.
How they never slept like buried cutlery -

two spoons or forks cupped perfectly together,
or made the most of heavy weather -

walked out into hard rain under sheet lightning,
or did the gears while the other was driving.

How he never raised his fingertips
to stop the segments of her lips

from breaking the news,
or tasted the fruit,

or picked for himself the pear of her heart,
or lifted her hand to where his own heart

was a small, dark, terrified bird
in her grip. Where it hurt.

Or said the right thing,
or put it in writing.

And never fled the black mile back to his house
before midnight, or coaxed another button of her blouse,

then another,
or knew her

favourite colour,
her taste, her flavour,

and never ran a bath or held a towel for her,
or soft-soaped her, or whipped her hair

into an ice-cream cornet or a beehive
of lather, or acted out of turn, or misbehaved

when he might have, or worked a comb
where no comb had been, or walked back home

through a black mile hugging a punctured heart,
where it hurt, where it hurt, or helped her hand

to his butterfly heart
in its two blue halves.

And never almost cried,
and never once described

an attack of the heart,
or under a silk shirt

nursed in his hand her breast,
her left, like a tear of flesh

wept by the heart,
where it hurts,

or brushed with his thumb the nut of her nipple,
or drank intoxicating liquors from her navel.

Or christened the Pole Star in her name,
or shielded the mask of her face like a flame,

a pilot light,
or stayed the night,

or steered her back to that house of his,
or said 'Don't ask me to say how it is

I like you.
I just might do.'

How he never figured out a fireproof plan,
or unravelled her hand, as if her hand

were a solid ball
of silver foil

and discovered a lifeline hiding inside it,
and measured the trace of his own alongside it.

But said some things and never meant them -
sweet nothings anybody could have mentioned.

And left unsaid some things he should have spoken,
about the heart, where it hurt exactly, and how often.

rumi

Come to the orchard in Spring.
There is light and wine, and sweethearts
in the pomegranate flowers.

If you do not come, these do not matter.
If you do come, these do not matter.

how darling!

in transit

i feel like i'm in transit right now. the next few days will be somewhat happening - what with g's wedding and a's visit, mom and dad leaving, getting ready for my trip to bangalore/mysore. life feels fairly stressful. and i only just recovered from my bby/goa tiredness.

stressful doesn't do a good job of representation though. more like - i actually need to do a few things in my day, rather than just lie around and work out/do yoga :). i guess the best thing to do is to look forward to all the new experiences life has in store for me in the coming weeks.

yippee yay!

(incidentally, this is one expression from my goa trip i will not forget. it sounds perfectly darling when it comes from a.)

i am back

but completely tired out from the travel. someday, i will be blogging again. for now - sweet dreams :).

cannot wait

leave for goa in a few days. a&s have already bought some boardgames to bring along so we can play at the resort. she said she'd go back to the store tomorrow. i said she should give me a call when she's there so i can tell her what's good and what's not. i feel useful :).

khan market happened for the first time today. it was great. busy and crowded. a million shops but not one that sells you what you want to buy. the usual :).

momentous occasion

and... this is huge... yesterday, i changed the time on my computer to ist.

on tiredness

agreed that yoga, massage, swimming, walking - all in the last 24 hours must have contributed to tiring me out yesterday evening, but i was fine when i left work. then followed an hour's drive back home. even if the roads were not terribly bumpy (except in places), and even if the ac was on (though it was devastatingly hot outside), i slowly died in that hour.

came back, plopped down on the bed for the 20 mins i had before more yoga. thankfully, there was time for a mango milkshake (with real alfonso mangoes - i have renewed love for alfonsos now, especially in milkshakes). but i still couldn't do all the yoga i intended, cos i was hurting already from afore-listed exercises. my yoga instructor left when i assured him i could do the pranayaam on my own, and i instantly went and plopped on the bed again - with some ice this time.

in minutes i was asleep - and this was at 6.30pm. was woken up to eat dinner. ate some fantastic eggplant, aloo beans and rajma (ooooh it was delicious) and instantly returned to the bed. got off it this morning at 7.

that's 12 hours of sleep. i never sleep 12 hours. 9, maybe 10, not 12. all from that one drive home? isn't that nuts?


p.s. i also awoke at 3am from a most interesting dream. decided to somehow type out bits and pieces so i would not forget it. the process of opening one's eyes to look at the glare of the laptop is something else, in the middle of one's sleep that is, and when it is pitch dark otherwise.

peace begets more peace

there is a person with the same name as me who works for a bank in singapore. often, i get mail that was intended for her. this time, the mail seemed to be of some importance (well, not really - it was about party plans for a weekend :) so i thought i should write back to the sender saying i wasn't the intended party.

here's what i wrote (to sender and to the namesake, at her work email):

Wrong address. Sorry! :)

X – I think I might end up getting a lot of mail intended for you. I do try to tell people that I'm not the person they're looking for. Maybe there are other Xs as well whose mail I might be getting.

Best,

and here's the response i received from aforementioned sender:

You're very kind..I never write such polite emails when people email me by mistake - not that I'm rude, but not this polite! This is gonna change my life..Apologies for emailing you ..

thanks

it may not really change his life, but that he so embraced my politeness is definitely going to encourage me to be polite the next time and the next... the world needs more of these people, for sure!

touched.

omni grab

tragically, i haven't played grab ever since i left. i have found some pleasant alternatives though. now, i am forever looking at words around me to see how they could be rearranged with a letter or two. and there is never a shortage of words around me, of course.

yesterday, for instance, i came up with these -
table - ballet
salt - slate, tales, tails, etc.
seacod - coasted
medicos - comedies
maggi - gaming - imaging
...
(there were more, but i'm forgetting now)

isn't it a good thing that the world is filled with words? earlier i was only obsessive about numbers - taking any two and thinking up all sorts of relations between them e.g. edit distance between my license plate and theirs etc. and, of course, the world is filled with numbers as well. now i am kept occupied on all long drives - to gurgaon, noida, etc. if nothing else, there's the sudoku. in fact, there are plenty sudokus because there are plenty newspapers.

on the topic of newspapers, i just love indian newspapers. they talk about everything - from india news to celeb news to fitness regimes to interior decoration to how to prepare for a speech... etc. and more importantly, i can understand and relate to it all. (not the celeb news - that's most fun for not being able to relate to :).

these days there's tons of excitement over "kaun banega rashtrapati?". sonia ji is, as usual, playing her games, and the rest of the country is, as usual, allowing her to. anyway, spice adds to variety in life :).

my first day at work

today was my first working day at idiscoveri. a week ago i had visited their office to understand what they do and what my responsibilities would entail. a day before that i had talked to shweta (a founder) about what i could potentially work on at the organization.

although i had started work - designing language curriculum for grade 4 students - last week already, today was my first day as an employee (of sorts). in a matter of minutes i had a desk, a chair, an internet connection, and a friendly neighbor. another few minutes and i had a notebook and a pen (a reynolds ball-point, mind you... not just any old pen). the atmosphere there is perfect. people are friendly, smiling. they are chics all over the windows to make the sunlight a lot milder and a lot more beautiful. there is water, tea, coffee whenever you want it. a cafeteria that rocks - the food is no richer than food made at home, and everyone washes their own dishes. water was bisleri and chilled, so i had no qualms drinking it. there is a library downstairs that has the most amazing children's fiction. it's a good thing i'm such a fan. i have borrowed a book for my own reading this weekend - ruskin bond's "treasury of stories for children".

at 3 there was a farewell (cake and all) for someone who was moving and therefore quitting. that was nice. i didn't get introduced to everyone today, but that's alright. as long as they are all smiling faces, i don't care much for their names.

the downside is that the office is a good distance from home - it takes me 50 minutes when traffic is good. possibly double that when traffic is bad. but i won't be doing the commute for another 10 days or so, so not a big deal. i'm almost sad about that now...

as for the work - there is something oddly fulfilling about creating curriculum that is to be used in schools to teach 9-year olds. it is by no means a daunting task, nor challenging, to create something. but it does mean a fair amount of work to create something that would work - from the perspective of the teacher as well as that of the students. it is also very meditative in some respects to be working on english. i get to read the poem/short-story/book etc. and really think about it, about the reading process, the comprehension process, how the work can be extended by the students, etc. yes, it is a very fulfilling experience.

and this when just two days ago i was whining about how much work there was to do, and how i was just completely unable to get myself tuned to it. now, i'm very tuned. i also love my supervisor, my workplace, and the food :). as well as the abundant presence of people everywhere that gives me so many many opportunities to interact with humans - the chowkidaar, the receptionist, the librarian, the cooks, the chai-wala, the tech assistant, and all the people who work there.

i'm done.

fitness freak

i am assuming the role for the time being :). numbers might help convince. yesterday, i did 3 hours of yoga in the day (morning and evening) and started my swimming for the summer with a 0.5 hour swim. i also got a massage that lasted 1.5 hours and did its share of burning calories passively ;). my chinese dinner didn't help though, with the abundance of oil, but at least it was filled with tons of vegetables.

the swimming pool at the gymkhana is so very spiffy. they have proper changing rooms, and proper showers (like real bathroom-like showers) and a common area inside with chairs, etc. to sit in, dry your hair, etc. etc. i was most impressed. looking forward to a summer of swimming there already.


i wish the chinese restaurants there (in the u.s. that is) would learn to make fried chili potatoes. they so rock.

"there's such a lot of world to see"

it's hard to believe i've been in india only 8-9 days. perhaps i am over-accustomed to doing 3-4 week stints, such that i now feel most of my vacation is over already. on the contrary, there is so much time, still, to do so many new things, learn so much more. cheesy as it may sound, i am loving the process of self-discovery... meeting new people, to learn new things, asking the right questions, exploring the diversity around me. i have to say i have met a more diverse set of people in the last 10 days than i have in years at stanford. even if all of these people (but one) are indian. a quick recap:

• ma - romanian movie maker, with an agenda to visit every country in the world.
  
• saa - founder of idiscoveri. we spoke on the phone about the work they've been doing over the last 10-11 years.
• nj - senior associate at idiscoveri i must report to once i'm done with my work.
  
• st - associate at idiscoveri whose work i'm taking over. she starts her m.a. in education at harvard this fall.
• iz - i have yet to figure out what he does. a lot of things, i am told. i am most grateful to him for introducing me to:
• urfd - the highlight of my stay thus far. a mindblowing artist, no doubt, but a truly inspiring person. he has the most endearing eyes....
  
• ns - we talked on the phone, again. he looks after cyber-security at nasscomm.
  
• p - my yoga instructor, who has had a major impact on my life over the past week.
  
• dg - chief at nic. a very kind old man who talked to me about nic's efforts across india, and put me in touch with:
• nc - who looks after the cic project in the north-east that i'll be studying.
• aa - a first-year at stanford in the fall i got to know out of trying to help with visa issues.
  

every day is an experience and brings forth something new. i'd love for the rest of my ~80 days here to follow a similar trend.

hurrah for the monsoons!

yesterday we had our first showers, and the world has acquired a greener hue... all is green and beautiful (see smugmug for more). it was even almost cold this morning, when it rained cats and dogs. the sound of the rainfall is sheer music, and when the leaves resonate due to the ferocity of the wind, one is transported to another world. no honestly....

i would have spouted more poeticness (much scope for more poetry, in any case :) but i just got called to the dinner table.

oh, and i saw aitraaz today, which was more than mildly entertaining. i thought the movie was quite fine, but it could just be me.

update

a quick update for posterity:

my routine, these days, involves much yoga, walking, exercises, swimming (soon to take effect), and possibly biking (in the gym). other than that, i am trying to fit in some time to do some work as well! i sleep in two installments - from 12am to 5am and 2pm to 5. i eat good, wholesome, healthy food - no fried samosas, thank you - and even ordered steamed vegetables at an indo-chinese restaurant yesterday! i also have a tanpura plugged in permanently (though occasionally replaced by "good night" to get rid of mosquitoes) and turned on often.

it's 2.15 now, i shall get to business.

happy birthday

stefanie maria graf. i was a fan, and always will be. there is none in the game of tennis as graceful as you, nor will there ever be.

delhi

is hot and humid. the temperature in the daytime stays in the 40s (easy 100s), as a result of which i am mostly indoors - so much so that i have not experienced the peak of the heat since arrival. the minimum temperature is still in the 30s (early 90s), so we go for our morning walks at 5.30am (getting up at 5am would have seemed a certain impossibility in my other life...) when the heat is least unbearable.

there are other pluses one owes to the heat, however. the water, for instance, is always at showerable (or bathe-able) temperature, and it is certainly most satisfying to be able to avoid expending energy to heat water. in fact, it is the funnest part of my day. i get to eat my two favourite fruits - mangoes and lychees (yum!). and i don't need to walk around in a comforter. life, as i see it, rocks!

the city awaits pre-monsoon showers with much desperation though. naturally. t is comfortably ensconced in a houseboat in the most pleasant valleys of kashmir for this week, and i'm so j. she will be back, and man, won't it be a shock - muahahahahaa :).

well, delhi is little more than heat, for me at present, and as for the heat - that was all i had to report. i'll keep you updated on the showers. until then, over and out.


p.s. i heard the bay area is super hot these days as well. imagine that temperature in the night, and worse!

update

sigh...

i'm home. and for once, not subconsciously running a countdown, and that's the best part :).

la was wonderful, with the kids. took lots of pictures (lots and lots), more when i realized it was getting me out of doing house-work, muahahahahaa :).

the journey from la to delhi was amazingly smooth. i had an entertaining, enlightening conversation with the person sitting next to me - a 40-something romanian, living in la. i told him how i really wanted to see romania, after the advertisements i saw in the national geographic traveler. he's a die-hard traveler and has seen 61 countries. it was lovely talking to him about his experiences. frankfurt was awesome as well, just for the german i got to hear in plenty.

i got home, unpacked, had tea, talked to my parents, did back exercises, and then from 11-7 just slept :). i have set up my marvelous little netgear router so that i can blog in bed :).

delhi is suffering from a heat wave these days. it was apparently 45 degrees today, not that i experienced any of it. i was just indoors all day, and the fan was enough for me. right now life couldn't be more perfect, especially with the radio playing off the tv - all these wonderful old songs.

that will be all for now. i hope you're all having a wonderful time...

interpreter of maladies

am done reading the set of short stories. some of them were mildly touching, some of them were blah. i felt like they all sort of had the right build-up, but seemed to simply fall off the edge without a good enough climax.

anyway, this book was a birthday present to me 6.5 years ago. i am pleased to say it has finally been read, that's all.

eureka

a while ago, when trb and i talked about the namesake, she told me about her favorite part of the book that had been omitted in the movie. she told me it was at the time when ashoke had come to the u.s. married, with wife in tow, and how he did not fully value her presence until he went with her to his previous landlady's house and she looked ashima up and down and called her a real lady... that from that day on, he had started to love and respect her.

as i was reading the book, i was looking forward to reading about this episode. but it never came, and i was soon done reading the book. how mysterious, i thought... perhaps i had simply skipped that part unknowingly somehow.

the mystery was solved shortly after, as i embarked upon the interpreter of maladies. i thought it would be an easier read now, since i was already very well acquainted with her style of writing. by some luck, i started from the last story, because the last time i had started from the beginning, and not gotten very far. it is this last story that had caused trb's memory lapse, this is where the above episode was from.

i love it when mysteries get solved almost as soon as they are created. so it is with keys, at least mine. soon as i happen to declare that my keys are mysteriously lost, i find them staring back at me. somehow. and it always seems like such a miracle :).