an update on the reading

the winter break has seen considerable reading thus far, and i take a moment to jot down the high points of each of these, before i forget.

• the story of my experiments with truth: gandhi's autobiography took me a long time to get through, perhaps for the density of detail in its pages. i confess that some of the detail on the politics of the situation was lost on me, but i did enjoy reading about gandhiji's experiments with his diet and his views on religion and spirituality. his ambition to "reduce himself to zero" left a big imprint.
• the autobiography of a yogi: an astonishing and inspiring read, it reinforces belief in miracles and divinity on earth. could this be? - one wonders over and over again.
• what religion is: a collection of swami vivekananda's words on the philosophies of vedanta and the four yogas. every successive read leaves a deeper understanding, and a deeper resolve.
• tao te ching: this one was haaard. i cannot claim to understand very much of this ancient text (though i can only speak for the translation i read, truly). i am, however, glad to know a little more about taoism as a result (though a little knowledge...).
• words to live by: there are 366 pages to this book by eknath easwaran - one for each day of the year. for every day, he picks a teaching and expounds on it, his goal being to help the sadhaka of today progress along the spiritual path. and every day is beautiful, no surprises.
  
• meditation: i enjoyed easwaran's style very much and was motivated to purchase this book of his. it was a powerful read - not for the eightfold path of meditation in daily living so much as for the simple lessons put forth in ways one can relate to easily, especially in today's world.
• katha upanishad: a simple and endearing conversation between nachiketa and yama. the simplicity of truth is so powerful.
• shri sai baba's teachings and philosophy: an informative read on the precepts sai baba shared with his disciples. i especially liked reading about his efforts to bring together hindus and muslims.
• by the river piedra i sat down and wept: a paulo coelho novel recommended by a dear friend. i confess that the protagonist did leave me puzzled in parts, but i loved the concept of the Other that i shall share at a later point.
  

december

this was a month of unity

of seeing
beauty in the world,
the world in beauty

of realizing
that knowledge and ignorance are one -
that ignorance sacrifices itself for knowledge
as the candle for its flame

of loving
one and all,
and the one that is in all -
the all that is one

of living
in others -
who live in me,
thus growing together

of discovering
peace in togetherness
of the body, mind, and spirit,
and limitless joy thereof

of seeking
truth, and finding it
in everything

of believing
It is one.

the season of peace

merry christmas, all! it is the season of peace, they say, and i hope this day will bring you much. as i think about peace today, i am reminded of tnh's words - "there is no path to peace. the path is peace." often, we find ourselves thinking "if only this would work out in my life, i would be at peace" or "once this problem resolves itself, i will be at peace", but truly, problems come and go ceaselessly. and happiness, too, is oft fleeting. we need not wait for peace to come tomorrow; we can actively create this peace - in the present. and the more we focus on treading our paths through life in peace, the more permanent it will become. the key is to understand and accept that peace comes out of choice. it is not waiting for us on the horizon, it is already here. we only have to open our eyes to see it.

peace to you all, dear friends.

'pause and reflect'

gentle reader,

the last few months have seen intense reading and writing (both on the blog and within), and i thank you for accompanying me through this journey and indispensably helping me grow with your comments, thoughts, and prayers. it is now time to 'pause and reflect' (as my cherished bench near the campanile says to do :), and this means i must take your leave to write less and internalize more. a while ago, i had been less convinced, but i now pray to be continually tested, that i may strengthen the ability to practice as i (would like to) preach ;). my four-point mantra remains: openness, strength, acceptance, and surrender.

see you soon :).

p.s. wish me luck and pray for my success, yes?

seek, and ye shall find

i am convinced (as convinced could be) today that when we firmly and sincerely wish to align ourselves along the path of our spiritual growth, the lord gives us just the right kind of opportunities to further this growth. from my own experience, whenever i have felt the desire to be of service to someone, i have not needed to seek out opportunities; i have been given them miraculously. it is indeed humbling to know that i can never be alone in my sadhana, that the lord is with me always.

and with this firm conviction i shall go study for my information organization and retrieval final tomorrow. adios.

thoughts on strength

how do we define adversity? what makes a situation difficult for us? 'difficulty' is relative, after all, and how difficult a situation is depends on how able we are to deal with it. strength, then, is what it boils down to (as swami vivekananda also says). if we are strong enough, there is no adversity. if we are strong enough, we deal with every situation as it comes, and give to it what it demands of us. we no longer need excuses, nor take shortcuts. and we find it in ourselves to be who we wish to be. strength is all it takes.

but this is still abstract, thought-provoking at best. what does it mean for me, i wonder, to be strong? what does it mean for me to find a situation difficult? are we born with strength? does it come to us slowly? do we need to cultivate it, and how may we do so? over time, i have found that strength does grow as life goes on. consciously or otherwise, we must make the choice to be strong. to give a simple example - i remember times (um, 24 years of my life) that i was unable to run 0.4km at a stretch. there came a time when i was able to run 42. and it was not the body alone that grew in strength. in fact, not at all. it was the mind that did that running, the mind that pushed the legs one by one. that was difficult. and then there was strength.

vivekananda says to be brave and sincere. so does every wise, experienced person, in fact, i would imagine. what does that really mean? the way i see it, to be brave is to be strong in the mind, and to be sincere is to be strong in the heart. our heart must - in its wisdom and maturity - dictate to us who it wishes us to be, and our mind must do the needful - help us realize that dream. my heart, for instance, tells me to give of myself selflessly. in every situation, to every human being. it is the mind, then, that can drive me to be strong enough to realize that goal. it will not happen in a day, a year, or a lifetime even perhaps. but slowly, steadily, more strength will come. this strength will allow me to be the person i wish to be. i have only to believe that strength can and does grow, and merely out of choice. can there be anything more empowering than that?

and then, we are all weak in varying degrees. or rather, we are all strong in varying degrees :). and yet, few of us are strong as we would like to be. often, we face conflicts in relation with others, and we blame them for being weak. and in those times, we should wonder, are we not weak as well, though in different ways perhaps? how are we then to judge another for their weakness? is there a scale for judging weaknesses? and who are we to judge, if even there is? again, i am reminded of the left-hand/right-hand analogy.

it is important always to keep in mind that we, each of us, try to address every life situation in the best way that we can. i don't think we always do the best we can, for we may consider ourselves weak when really we could be strong if we chose to be. yet, i do believe that we try. and as long as i try and you try, we all try to do the best we can, how can any of us fault another for not actually 'doing' it? ability levels are never easy to determine. and at the end of the day, patience is required of all of us.

and so one must never tell another, "look how difficult my situation is. yours is so much better. get over it." because it is to each his own. perhaps we have different amounts of strength in a particular circumstance, and if my strength happens to be less, i will find that situation more challenging than you - regardless of how much harder you have it.

these are my thoughts on strength right now. haphazard, but i wanted to put them down. strength, to me, is everything. without strength, there is no love, only want. there is no calm, only chaos. no knowledge, only ignorance. no sense, only madness. my mind allows me to collect knowledge, cogitate, question, understand. strength alone allows personal and spiritual growth, allows change, acceptance and surrender. thus, i pray:

itni shakti hamein dena daata
man ka vishwaas kamzor ho na
hum chalein nek raste pe humse
bhool kar bhi koi bhool ho na

[oh lord, grant us the strength
that our faith may not weaken
that we walk on the path of goodness
that, even in forgetfulness, we make no mistakes]

heart vs. mind

the complete works of swami vivekananda are online, and i find great strength in reading them every morning, and whenever else i can steal some time from daily responsibilities. if you are so inclined, i encourage you to check them out here.

there is often a tension between the heart and the mind - when the heart wishes to believe and the mind argues that there is no basis. harder still is articulating one's beliefs and convictions before another, for sometimes, the heart has no words (and here, i am reminded of the essence of the little prince). i just ran into the lines below, and they offer a glimpse into swami vivekananda's perspective on this tension. reverence, love, and purity cleanse our hearts, dispel impurities, and make them strong enough that they may know the truth. this is the best i can do with my understanding today.

You remember in the Old Testament where Moses was told, "Take off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground." We must always approach the study of religion with that reverent attitude. He who comes with a pure heart and a reverent attitude, his heart will be opened; the doors will open for him, and he will see the truth.

If you come with intellect only, you can have a little intellectual gymnastics, intellectual theories, but not truth. Truth has such a face that any one who sees that face becomes convinced. The sun does not require any torch to show it; the sun is self-effulgent. If truth requires evidence, what will evidence that evidence? If something is necessary as witness for truth, where is the witness for that witness? We must approach religion with reverence and with love, and our heart will stand up and say, this is truth, and this is untruth.

on mindfulness and detachment

with every day, there is an attempt to tie in the varied lessons that i learn, for there must be a cohesive thread to all these lessons; they must all come together at some level. this is the month of unity after all, and the truth - it is one, yes?

today, as i thought about detachment, i realized how mistaken i had always been in my perception of it. there is nothing numbing about detachment, there is no 'reduced' happiness. it only brings greater fullness to every emotion of love and of giving. in fact, detached love is mindful love; detached giving is mindful giving, for it lies in the giving of oneself in entirety, and in the now. i cannot explain how joyful it made me to realize how the two connected - detachment and mindfulness. so joyful, aah :).

the train of thought began with the fulfillment and immense joy in the ability to love - every day, every moment - not anyone in particular, or anything in particular - but anyone and anything. with that came the realization that if we busied ourselves loving anew every moment, then when was there time to think what became of the love we felt yesterday? and when was there time to think if our love had borne fruit or not? detachment was a clever and automatic consequence then, was it not, of loving fully in every new moment? and isn't mindfulness a pre-requisite? indeed.

but that is only half the proof. that only shows that mindfulness leads to detachment. and vice versa? i believe so, because when i can be truly detached, i do not worry about the fruits of my action, i worry only about acting in the present. mindfulness results then, does it not? for in acting in the present (and not worrying about the past or the future), i am mindful. then qed.

alas, these thoughts do not come to me all the time, nor everywhere. but i am blessed to be around the boundless beauty of the berkeley campus. i am blessed, also, to be in the south hall with windows that offer generous views of the campanile, and doors that lead directly to the sight of it. whenever i have worked my mind too hard, i step out to recharge, and find in this creation a source of radiant energy. when i am there before it, and the moon shines brightly above, there is no other place i'd rather be. truly.

the day that was (2)

a long day, it was spent almost entirely on work. no, i do not complain, for i am grateful that i had the chance today to assign all my attention, my focus, on working diligently. the day was not just about the paper though, for as i realize, a day is really built of infinitely many experiences. the world of thought is infinite, and with every moment - however short or long - we find ourselves considering a myriad thoughts, words, and actions.

i learned today that slowing 'it' down - really, literally - can be most insightful. on my nefeli break today, i wanted to slow down my mind and decided, therefore, to slow down my actions. i took slow steps, spoke slowly, opened and closed the door slowly, covered my coffee with a lid slowly, all along finding limitless satisfaction in every task. as i slowed down these life experiences, i felt that i had much more success with immersing myself in my surroundings. i noticed more people, more flyers, more windows, more people, more trees, more people, more leaves, more people... :). the sun was behind the clouds today, but it was not unfortunate, it was charming. and best of all, as i walked back to south hall, i felt washed over with a feeling of 'this is my place in the universe, and there is no other place i'd rather be - in this time, this moment'. this thought is so often true, but how many times do we think it? how many times do we let it settle in us, as we go about our business?

as i walked back late in the night and the mild raindrops touched me ever so gently, all along the way, i realized that i was grateful to be alive - to be able to breathe in the cold, gentle air, to be able to look and smile at passers-by, to be able to give change to a homeless person who asked for some, to be able to just be.

the good thing

about semester systems, i just realized, is that there are only two finals weeks in a year, instead of three. yay :).

be the change...

i am always inspired by gandhiji's stories. here's one a shared with me this morning -

In the 1930s, a young boy had become obsessed with eating sugar. His mother was very upset about this, but no matter how much she scolded him and tried to break his habit, he continued to please his sweet tooth. Frustrated, she decided to take her son to see his idol - Mahatma Gandhi, with a hope that he would listen to him.

She walked miles under the scorching sun to Gandhi’s ashram. There, she shared with Gandhi her predicament. -
“Bapu, my son eats too much sugar. It is not good for his health. Would you please advise him to stop eating it?”

Gandhi listened to the woman carefully, thought for a while and replied,
“Please come back after two weeks. I will talk to your son.”

The woman looked perplexed and wondered why he had not asked the boy to stop eating sugar right away. She took the boy by the hand and went home.

Two weeks later they revisited Gandhi. Gandhi looked directly at the boy and said,
“Boy, you should stop eating sugar. It is not good for your health.”

The boy nodded and promised he would not continue this habit any longer. The boy’s mother was puzzled. She turned to Gandhi and asked,
“Bapu, Why didn’t you tell him that two weeks ago when I brought him here to see you?”

Gandhi smiled,
“Mother, two weeks ago I was eating a lot of sugar myself.”

the day that was

it is dead week, and that may also be the reason for a perfectly blissful campus feeling. serenity (i love the word) was in abundance, as i walked around plenty today. it was also the longest i have been in lab - got there before anyone came in, and left after everyone left. which brings me to a revelation i had today - it's not a lab! no wonder every time i said "i'm in lab", i'd get an emphatic "lab?" in response. talking to a friend today, i realized that "office" was a perfectly suited name. that is what i shall call it in future.

the day spent in office felt highly fruitful. also glad that i was able to help out a fellow phd-er in distress. realized that i would really like to be a counselor more than a phd student. came to terms with the prospect of hopefully doing counselor-like work as a researcher instead. more career changes are neither necessary nor welcome. thankfully, research can be turned into whatever one pleases. and thankfully my advisor isn't reading this :). for dinner, i hopped over to chipotle and grabbed a burrito. could not have done that at stanford - hopping was not an option, unless it was onto the marguerite, which i liked. ah well, win some lose some.

another realization - this is also my first winter in the western world when i have barely made use of heating at home. quite something. when i moved in, i remember being grateful that my landlord had decided to foot the utilities bill. now, i bet he is grateful :). but there is an odd charm in feeling the cold while it is cold, and letting it numb your skin, leave your extremities frozen. not that i don't use sweaters and comforters, but the air i breathe feels mild and fresh. ah, the lessons we learn so late in life :). thank you god, for wintertime.

fear vs. pleasure

in j. krishnamurti's words:

Fear is always in relation to something; it does not exist by itself. There is fear of what happened yesterday in relation to the possibility of its repetition tomorrow; there is always a fixed point from which relationship takes place. How does fear come into this? I had pain yesterday; there is the memory of it and I do not want it again tomorrow. Thinking about the pain of yesterday, thinking which involves the memory of yesterday’s pain, projects the fear of having pain again tomorrow. So it is thought that brings about fear. Thought breeds fear; thought also cultivates pleasure. To understand fear you must also understand pleasure – they are interrelated; without understanding one you cannot understand the other. This means that one cannot say ‘I must only have pleasure and no fear’; fear is the other side of the coin which is called pleasure.

Thinking with the images of yesterday’s pleasure, thought imagines that you may not have that pleasure tomorrow; so thought engenders fear. Thought tries to sustain pleasure and thereby nourishes fear.

Thought has separated itself as the analyzer and the thing to be analyzed; they are both parts of thought playing tricks upon itself. In doing all this it is refusing to examine the unconscious fears; it brings in time as a means of escaping fear and yet at the same time sustains fear.

love, a privilege

the following is excerpted from an email i wrote recently, in an effort to help a precious friend with a problem situation. i find these words apply just as well to me, and perhaps to many others as well, but how easy it is to forget the obvious! again, i record them with the hope that they will not vanish from my mind at a time that i may benefit most from them.

our pride, our egoic mind, all tend to cause too much strife in our lives. we don't realize it, but this mind seeks its individual identity, and in that we forget to focus on that which comes most naturally to us - which is to give, and to love. we do not need this ego, because truly - supreme happiness comes when we give of our love to other people - to our parents, our siblings, our friends, our significant others - everyone. the more we give of our love, the happier we feel, because it makes us complete within. indeed, i think that it is the natural tendency of every human being to give love. it is a privilege we mustn't deny our hearts.

yet, with giving of this love, our mind seeks another pleasure - which is to receive. because of its own greed, its own desires, it wants more and more love in return for the love it is willing to let the heart express. thence follow jealousy, fear, insecurity, anger, pride. there is no end to this, and it causes only misery. the more we love with expectation and want, the more we will find ourselves miserable in the longer run. because then we become blind to the growth of the one we love. we try to bind them, put them in a cage. we make them the subject of our love, yet imprison them. this is our mind acting again, because when our mind doesn't act with ego, then we realize that imprisonment is not right. it is not conducive to growth. it is not an expression of love, for love must also include freedom.

the challenge therefore, is not to not love, but to love with detachment. this means - love freely, but understand that you love for yourself, and not for the other. we love for our own sakes, because we feel complete. so we should not try to bind those we love with our expectations.

nefeli breaks

these days, taking a walk in the crisp/cold afternoon has become a regular pastime. i step out of lab, walk along memorial glade and up to north gate hall, cross over to north-side and get myself a mocha from nefeli cafe. i then walk back over to north gate, walk over to the side where there are benches and a steep downslope (so that the sun shines through without any obstructions, apart from the winter clouds), and perch myself on the most sunlight-laden bench. i stare at the ground and drink my coffee, letting my mind still itself. when the coffee is done, and the mind is emptied, i walk back along the curvaceous route to south hall again. the air is fresh and cold, i am grateful that it does not rain (though i bet it can't be good for the environment), and campus is ever-charming. the entire experience comes packaged with considerable calm and beauty. i might even miss it while i am gone. especially nefeli and its abundant character.

i found, as i walked back today, that the last few months have been increasingly successful in bringing my mind to a natural state of calmness in little time. i can't say it's been smooth sailing all the way, but persistent effort toward achieving this calmness has borne fruit. no doubt i find that unexpected blows do come, and there are definitely times when i think "gosh, couldn't things just make sense for a change?", yet shortly enough (and the more i work hard at it, the sooner this becomes), i find that i am back to calm acceptance. until the next shock-wave comes along :).

no doubt it is a never-ending endeavor. no doubt the shock-waves will keep coming. but this calmness and steady-state of mind is getting rather addictive. and it brings with it enormous strength within to allow me to be who i want myself to be. this, by far, is the biggest reward of all.

yes, bear with me, this is all a note to self :).

vipassana

a few days ago, i had posted about jazz at jupiter's, mentioning also the strange coincidence that a friend should resurface after ages and mention vipassana to me, directing me to his blog, just as i grappled with the challenges of meditation. at that point, i thought nothing of it, but commented on his post. a handful of emails followed, in which he directed me to their website at dhamma.org. the thought simmered on, as i contemplated doing this 10-day course in one of my trips to india next year. it still seemed far into the horizon though...

then a few days later, i.e. today, i awoke with the conviction that i would do this course while i was in delhi this january. it took a few hours to sink in... and i realized that i would need to bring it up with mom and dad as well. at first, that didn't go so well. understandably, for 10 days out of limited time at home is quite a bit. i also decided that if they didn't end up thinking this was a good idea, having let it sink in, i would accept that it was not meant to happen, and honor their desires with as much love. shortly enough, mom called back with approval, having done her web research. i am so blessed :). it is true, i think, that heavens make way for sincerity of purpose... it has been shown to me in numerous ways of late, i had better believe it.

if you'd like to know more about vipassana, wiki it. also, here is a video that speaks of its essence. i cannot wait. i agree this too is a craving of the mind :).

more on listening

in my previous post, i linked to a sermon on listening to god's will. since, i have read this a few times and extracted two valuable lessons, as i see them:

first, that it is important to listen with our minds and hearts both. the sermon puts it neatly:

Swedenborg frequently identifies why we must discern with our minds and hearts together. Love and truth are needed conjointly. Otherwise, if we neglect the quality of love or compassion, we can rationalize the truth of anything we want. The ecological state of our earth is an example of how our culture's over-reliance on rationality, which is a limited and distilled form of truth, helped to separate individuals from the consequences of their actions upon other living beings and systems. And in the reverse situations of love over truth, a relationship in which a woman chooses to be with a man because she loves him, even though she is aware of his verbal or physical abuse, may reveal the woman's neglect of her inner truth of wanting to be treated with respect and love. When held mutually, love and truth bring about an intuitive understanding that confirms the choices and actions we make in our lives.

does this not simplify everything considerably? in fact, even the spirit of detachment is so beautifully captured in these words - to love always, but to always embrace the truth along with - that must be our goal. but therein lies the task of understanding and discerning love and truth. this may only become possible if we each make an express effort to understand ourselves, and what constitutes love within. when is it that we feel love? that our hearts are filled with love? when are we confident that there is truth in our reason? difficult questions that may only be answered by increasing self-knowledge and self-awareness. a deep insight, nevertheless. and a clear, simple goal to aspire for endlessly.

second, i have often wondered what becomes of our prayers :). is god listening? what about questions that we ask with purity of heart and mind? as i had asked earlier - what constitutes email to god, and how do we ascertain his responses? and if prayer and meditation are the way, still - what determines when we will receive our answers. here is what the sermon says:

Some of us heard a clear idea of this in a sermon that was delivered in this church by the late Dr. Wilson Van Dusen, who was a psychologist, a Swedenborgian scholar, and a mystic. He shared that sometimes after asking a deep spiritual question of the Divine, he would not get an answer for several days or longer. He explained that during this time he knew he was being realigned internally by God; that he was not able to receive an answer given his understanding at the time. He had learned to trust this process--that he could wait patiently and sensitively, and the clarity of an answer would eventually come.

on bread :)

a dear friend shared with me a sermon yesterday that i found most enlightening. i include here a passage that especially resonates.

What is necessary is not great efforts of renunciation of the joys of the world, great accomplishments and good deeds or heroic meditation, as we often hear extolled. What is expected from us is weeding: a cleansing of our internal garden, an examination of our deeper impulses and motives, and making efforts to change, searching for the life that is indicated in the Sermon on the Mount--the real world of love that alone can bring fulfillment. This means rejecting and eliminating all that is opposed, hard, and cold; all that does not contain life from God.

the rest of it is here. and on the same site, i found this enlightening read on listening.

lying in bed

various trains of thought pass through the mind as one lies in bed, possibly to prolong the getting up/starting the day process :). here are some of them:

1. i marvel at those who find inspiration in life's littlest things and then store that inspiration within to motivate action. in particular, a friend told me last night about a paltry email that had inspired her years ago. what was not paltry was her retention of that seed of inspiration over the years, leading to action now (or in a few days). i am moved at her inner strength and positive spirit. (and i won't divulge more details because i know she's reading this too :).)
2. talking with n&c is always a pleasure, always enlightening. yesterday's conversation brought with it several insights, one of which presented a novel line of thought for me. n mentioned (and i paraphrase) how if we continue to act with deep resolve and purity of purpose, we find ourselves on firmer ground with our actions. that is, over time we find that developing a practice of deep, pure thought that effects a meaningful conduct makes us less indecisive in the long run, helping to attain greater clarity of thought in terms of overall action. this makes sense, and makes me aware of changes i had not attributed a causality to yet. enlightening perspective, n.
   

and now that i'm completely absorbed in this train of thought, i've forgotten the myriad other things i was going to post about. so much for numbering :). i thought i'd reach a 100 in no time :). time to start the day, then.

life's wonders never cease

every night, i find myself grateful for the lessons the day brought. and every night, i am more grateful. is this even sustainable?

this day brought with it several unplanned and entirely desirable surprises (remember what i said last night about unplanned-ness?). a dear friend brought me a miracle oil from a 2000 year old church, and i believe it has already begun to work its miracles on me. (may i add that i wept freely and joyfully at the thoughtfulness of this gesture!) i also received a beautiful zen mind calendar as a present from yet another precious friend. we're not at january yet, but i decided to be forward-looking and hung it up already :). the january quote was indeed precious, and spoke straight to the heart:

Instead of galloping about, we walk slowly, like a cow or an elephant. If you walk slowly, without any idea of gain, then you are already a good Zen student.

my official goal for january, i have decided, is to be a cow - walking slowly, chewing cud. wish me success?

and yet again, i am grateful for those who love and care and are always there. may the lord give me the chance to be of service to them as they have been of service to me. someday, i pray, this blessing i shall be worthy of.

evolution of thought

there was another thought process from yesterday that just hit me, bringing back useful perspective. the mind, the intellect are constantly evolving, constantly growing. how much or how little they evolve depends on how open they are, how coordinated they are with the sense perceptions of the world, but that's not my point here. i realize that we must consciously allow for this evolution constantly (in us and in others) in our interactions with other beings. sometimes i feel that while we evolve and realize that we evolve, we tend to think that all else is frozen in time. like we think of our elementary school friends as still tiny and in bangs and pigtails.

the analogy that struck home was how a child evolves physically in so little time. in a few months he begins to turn over, crawl, then speak, etc. if we don't allow for analogous evolution to occur in others (though in less apparent ways), might we not make the mistake of thinking that their 'child' is still in the fetus stage?

and on meditation

another pegasus acquisition was j. krishnamurti's meditations. here is an amazing excerpt, for the way in which it 'ties it all together'.

Meditation is hard work. It demands the highest form of discipline - not conformity, not imitation, not obedience - but a discipline which comes through constant awareness, not only of the things about you outwardly, but also inwardly. So meditation is not an activity of isolation but is action in everyday life which demands cooperation, sensitivity and intelligence. Without laying the foundation of a righteous life, meditation becomes an escape and therefore has no value whatsoever. A righteous life is not the following of social morality, but the freedom from envy, greed and the search for power - which all breed enmity. The freedom from these does not come through the activity of will but by being aware of them through self-knowing. Without knowing the activities of the self, meditation becomes sensuous excitement and therefore of very little significance.

gibran, again

at pegasus, i stumbled across this mind-numbing poem of gibran's. how does he do it?! and will i ever find the words to so express the song within? but perhaps i need not find. perhaps he has them all...

Have mercy on me, my Soul!
- Kahlil Gibran

Why are you weeping, my Soul?
Knowest thou my weakness?
Thy tears strike sharp and injure,
For I know not my wrong.
Until when shalt thou cry?
I have naught but human words to interpret your dreams,
Your desires, and your instructions.

Look upon me, my Soul;
I have consumed my full life heeding your teachings.
Think of how I suffer!
I have exhausted my life following you.

My heart was glorying upon the throne,
But is now yoked in slavery;
My patience was a companion,
But now contends against me;
My youth was my hope,
But now reprimands my neglect.

Why, my Soul, are you all-demanding?
I have denied myself pleasure
And deserted the joy of life
Following the course which you impelled me to pursue.
Be just to me,
Or call Death to unshackle me,
For justice is your glory.

Have mercy on me, my Soul.
You have laden me with Love until I cannot carry my burden.
You and Love are inseparable might;
Substance and I are inseparable weakness.
Will e'er the struggle cease between the strong and the weak?

Have mercy on me, my Soul.
You have shown me Fortune beyond my grasp.
You and Fortune abide on the mountain top;
Misery and I are abandoned together in the pit of the valley.
Will e'er the mountain and the valley unite?

Have mercy on me, my Soul.
You have shown me Beauty,
But then concealed her.
You and Beauty live in the light;
Ignorance and I are bound together in the dark.
Will e'er the light invade darkness?

Your delight comes with the Ending,
And you revel now in anticipation;
But this body suffers with the life
While in life.
This, my Soul, is perplexing.

You are hastening toward Eternity,
But this body goes slowly toward perishment.
You do not wait for him,
And he cannot go quickly.
This, my Soul, is sadness.

You ascend high, through heaven's attraction,
But this body falls by earth's gravity.
You do not console him,
And he does not appreciate you.
This, my Soul, is misery.

You are rich in wisdom,
But this body is poor in understanding.
You do not compromise,
And he does not obey.
This, my Soul, is extreme suffering.

In the silence of the night you visit The Beloved
And enjoy the sweetness of His presence.
This body ever remains,
The bitter victim of hope and separation.
This, my Soul, is agonizing torture.
Have mercy on me, my Soul!

jazz at jupiter's, and other things

this has been a glorious day, and blessed with varied failures and achievements. what boggles me is that if we are to be grateful for the failures, since they test our mettle, how is it that we must be grateful for the achievements as well? curious, yes? unless one just fundamentally believes that we must be grateful for everything :). i sometimes do.

events today were many - go to brewed in the morning - discuss project - drive back - lose some peace of mind - meditate for 30 minutes to gain it back - walk to school, focused on every step - discuss project - eat packaged japanese teriyaki noodles (to never do that again :)) - meditate by the campanile for a blissful hour - discuss project - discuss life - go to starbucks - bart to city - bathe in christmas delight at union square - bart back - discuss life - listen to live jazz at jupiter's - shop at pegasus books's holiday party - come back home.

but it was really much more than that. the magnifying glass i seem to carry permanently within made me realize numerous instances when i planned one way, yet life pushed me another. this happened through the day, as i continued to observe. i didn't wake up as planned, didn't drink tea as planned, didn't eat lunch/dinner as planned, didn't eat entree as planned, didn't buy as planned, didn't talk as planned etc... not to say i had planned my entire day out, but there were expectations as there are of any given day. and with all the plans that didn't go as planned :), i was left with much peacefulness at the end of the day. further reinforcing the fact that 1. there is not much point planning, and 2. even when things don't go as planned, they actually turn out better, in more ways than one.

i do wish to document every minute of this day, for it taught so much, but time is limited as is energy. i hope that the triggers in this post will serve to remind for years to come. three thoughts i'd like to end with:

in discussion with j, i realized an epiphany about patience: that we have as much patience with ourselves as we do with others, and vice versa. when we are patient with ourselves, and live our lives in calm and serenity, this calm seamlessly directs itself to the world. we become more loving, patient, kind, and forgiving toward the world. and when we are impatient with ourselves, this impatience reflects in our interactions with the world too. we get irritated spending time within ourselves, and we get just as irritated at life outside. we cannot spend one minute in silence and quiet, and so we treat our outer lives as well. it is quite stunning, the correlation. and just as soon as we make the transition towards inner calm and acceptance, the world becomes a beautiful, love-filled place. there is no doubt about this. indeed, i have experienced this change in totality. believe me :).

the second thought i'd like to touch on is the pride that comes with knowledge. yes, it comes often. especially to all those who specialize in a certain kind of knowledge and have some worldly claim to it (e.g. a nobel). but is it not true that each one of us, in leading a completely unique life, distinct from all others, has experienced the world in ways that another can't always know? i may have more bookish knowledge than a potter who never learned to read and write. and yet, there is the knowledge of pottery that i could not hope to learn in years. i am reminded of tnh's left-hand/right-hand analogy for non-discrimination. each one of us makes unique contributions to global knowledge. let's always remember that, and never be vain in our narrow scopes.

last, there was a strange coincidence that i experienced minutes ago. just as my mind grappled with the difficulties of focus and meditation for much of the day, i heard from a friend (who i hear from once in a year perhaps) who left me with a reading on vipassana (absolutely randomly) from his blog (that i never knew of). several of his thoughts resonated within, and i found renewed vigor in my quest for sthit pragya.

and a bonus thought to end this post with: the flow of knowledge from one source to another is incredible. ponder for a moment over the interactions you shared today - over any medium, and with 0 to an infinite number of people - and think of the flow of knowledge from one to another. think also of the myriad ways in which this flow gave form to your day. is it not awe-inspiring? indeed, it is yet another reinforcement of my belief that one must open oneself in completeness, to the air around us that can do magical things. one can never know what life will bring with every passing moment, each passing day. so allow for constant evolution. your mind has the capacity to evolve, so just let it free. let it fly where it will and explore unimagined possibilities, let it go to depths it's never been and discover hidden insights, just let it be... and discover the joy of truly being alive!

zazen

imagine yourself committed to sitting in a position, unmoving. in this time, the alarm may start to ring, someone may be at the door, the phone may ring, the heater may overheat, milk on the stove may be on boil, there may be an ambulance outdoors, your head may begin to itch, your nose to run. you get the picture. through it all, can you keep sitting and not succumb to these varied temptations?

the exercise of meditation is exactly analogous. these waves of disturbance, however, are all within the mind instead. the task is to 'keep sitting', to keep the mind calm and steady, regardless of these waves. some waves are larger than others, and cause a greater impulse to 'get up and act', i.e. to succumb to the thought process they beckon. yet, through it all, can we keep our mind finding its way back to that state of calm? as i reread the dhammapada verses on the mind (that i posted), i decided to practise 30 minutes of zazen, to see how challenging it was to just 'keep sitting'.

zazen is at the heart of zen buddhist practice, and involves meditation through sitting. one of its forms is called shikantaza, which does not use a specific object of meditation, but the power developed in concentration to remain completely aware of all phenomena that arise and pass in the present moment.

all this is naught but preparation and practice. to understand how one can be calm and resilient through the unsteadying forces in life. sometimes, we are not prepared to receive a phonecall or a visitor. just as we are not prepared, nor gladdened, to find ourselves in situations we had not expected nor planned for. but these can be used as training wheels to steady ourselves; for achieving the peace and calm we know we are capable of. believing is half the battle already.

redundant post

sometimes, in life, things do go wrong. depending on how attached we allow ourselves to become, we face more pain or less. indeed, as life goes, this is only inevitable. in 1st grade, i was attached to my mini-globe pencil sharpener. when it was stolen, i was heartbroken. thankfully, i am now over it. now that i have better perspective, i wish i could go back to my 1st grade self and say, "relax. it's only a sharpener. life will turn out just fine. and you'll be over the grief before you know it." since then, however, i have found plenty of other sharpeners to take its place - both literal and metaphorical. and so life goes.

is there a solution? of course. to be unattached. is it easy to do? of course not :). the last few months of reading (as you may tell) have grappled with this issue alone - to understand what detachment means, first. and now, i do understand its definition. but that only means i have 50 years more to go till i get there :).

in the meantime, i find it is easy enough to do this - be grateful. make a list of all the things you are happy for in your life, and you'll find that you can just keep going. here, like so. i am grateful for all of these things:

• i go to the best school in the world (unlike my less fortunate friends from stanford :p)
• i love where i live
• i have a good school life (and just had a great final project presentation)
• i have a great advisor
  
• i have people to sing with
• i also have myself to sing with, incidentally :)
• i have the ability to read and understand difficult texts :)
• i have tea!
  
• i get to walk (almost) to my heart's content every day
• and therefore, my back is in great shape (touch wood)
  
• it's rainy season and yet the days are bathed in sunshine
• i have an amazingly loving family - both immediate and extended - that i love very much
• my friends (even the ones from stanford) are pretty darn amazing
  
• i have a great camera, and it takes fantastic pictures
• i have a blog that never complains that it's had enough :)
• there is the sight of the campanile to behold everyday, in all its glory
• i have more money than i need to live a life of utmost luxury
• i have food in the fridge
• i can go on endlessly...
  

you get the picture. and you can do the same. we don't ever run out of things to be grateful for. indeed, each day presents us with infinite presents (pun intended). but here's the thing - when i have a backache, i feel terribly about my body, and miserable in general. i feel that life could be so much better and that it sucks to have a weak back. sometimes, when i have a stomachache, i simply cannot think. and in those times, i forget to be grateful that the rest of my body works seamlessly. there are so many more things that could go wrong. there are so many more things that could cease to work well. but we find it hard to be grateful, because one organ hurts. even when we know it will be good as new in but a few hours, very often.

this is the analogy that struck me in conversation today, and i felt sheepish and ashamed that i was so often so oblivious to the wonders of this body, to the wonders of this life. i know that i will still only occasionally realize what i have to be thankful for, but pray forgive me, lord, for the times that i don't. it is okay, sometimes, to have one part not work. we learn to be grateful for the infinitely many that do. and even that one part will soon find its way to catch up. indeed, such is life. and such is maya :).

this post is redundant, because these are truths we all know for the most part. we all have our pencil sharpeners to lose. in spite of this eventuality, i find that there is always hope, there is always beauty. there is joy in everything around us - in the stillness of the night, the newness of the moon, the smile of a stranger, a meal that dispels hunger, the sight of a loved one, making a 7-letter word in scrabble :), and so much more. until we can realize our personal ideals of detachment, gratitude is an immense training-wheel to embrace. and after as well.

abhi nahi aana...

our singing session introduced me to this most heavenly song. the more i listen to it, the more it permeates my being (yep, cheesy but true). i share it with you so this joy may multiply :):
abhi nahi aana by sona mohapatra. the youtube link is here.

i sang today.

i sang today, and my heart sang along with. it was blissful, really. how does singing bring so much joy to the heart, i wonder. every cell comes alive, or so it seems. every part of the being works in unison with every other to bring the best note out from within. and when there is harmony between the vocal chords and the guitar chords, it is heaven.

today was dhwani-berkeley's first real meeting. we were already down to five in number, and were only able to get a cramped little room half the size of my bathroom :), but once the guitar started to play, all was well with the world. as a said, each time the guitar would fall silent between songs, it felt as though we had ceased to breathe. music is so precious.

we had decided to each pick a song to perform for the group today, and i picked zara zara. it has been eons since i sang that song, once my most favorite, and i was pleased to plunge into its depths yet again. again struggled with the lows, again struggled with the highs :), but it was all good, for the song came from deep within... also heard what's in with the hindi pop world of today :) and now have a long song list to listen to as well.

singing felt like walking on a dew-laden lawn on a summer's morning. really, it was heaven.

forty verses

after reading the dhammapada, which was a fluid read and not difficult to comprehend/understand the underlying meanings of, i commenced upon ramana, shankara and the forty verses. having read all of its 151 pages, i cannot claim to have fathomed very much :(. i suppose it wasn't written for the likes of me, i am merely at the initial stages of my sadhana. what i did follow was the spirit of vichara or enquiry, that one must carry within at all times. i also wish that all religions would mean the same thing when they talked of the 'mind'. the translation one needs to do of these concepts across texts is non-trivial :).

perhaps this is one of those texts that needs to be read repeatedly at regular intervals? perhaps then more ignorance will be shed? today, i am humbled, even in my ability to read, reason, and reflect that i was priding over yesterday. sigh.

from the dhammapada

the dhammapada, for those of you who may not know, is to buddhism what the bhagavad gita is to hinduism. it consists of 423 verses that described the buddha's prescribed way to live, the life of meditation, and the practice of reason and intelligence. i hope i offend no one in saying that it speaks to me in verses what the gita spoke to me in shlokas, and what i understood from swami vivekananda's lectures on vedanta. i do like the understandability and the simplicity of the verses very much. i share with you here the verses under chapter 3: the mind.

1. As the bowman makes straight his arrows, so the wise man straightens his unsteady mind.
2. This mind is like a fish out of water which thrashes and throws itself about, when thoughts try to shake off their cravings.
3. Such a wandering mind is weak and unsteady, attracted here, there and everywhere. How good it is to control it and know the happiness of freedom.
4. And yet how unruly still, how subtle the delusion of the thoughts. To quiet them and master them is the true way to happiness.
5. Putting a bridle on the wandering mind, single-mindedly the seeker halts his thoughts. He ends their darting waywardness and finds peace.
6. A troubled mind, however, does not see the way. If a man is ignorant and filled with doubt, he can never find the true path.
7. But a concentrated mind, untroubled and calm, no longer struggling to judge between right and wrong but beyond judgements has no fear, for it understands.
8. He knows that the body is as fragile as a jar. By making the mind as firm as a fortress, wisdom and understanding will fight for him in every trial, guarding all that has been won.
9. For soon the body will be cast aside and what will be its consciousness then? It will lie on the ground like a useless log of wood, without knowledge or feeling.
10. Whatever an enemy may do, he cannot harm you as much as your own wrongly directed thoughts.
    
11. But once you understand, no one - neither your father nor mother - can do as much good to you as your own well-directed thoughts.
    

taking a step back

reading has become an addiction of late, and i take in as much as i can. consciously. through my senses. then process in as much time as i can wheedle out of my work schedule. then reflect and articulate either in stimulating conversations with friends and family, or on this blog. some portions are read and re-read, so they may be better digested. truly, there is much that needs to be understood, much that remains to be internalized, but as a dear friend said today - the brain is always ahead of the heart. and so it must be.

if there is anything i am grateful to my years of schooling for today, it is the ability to read, reason, and reflect. and with this ability, i embark upon my sadhana to understand the truth of this existence. big words. glib words? what do they mean? i can't say that i really know at this stage. there is a leap of faith involved - that people who were considered wise and spiritually accomplished in their lives (and after) must have known. far more than me, at any rate. and so i believe, that as i read, cogitate, understand, there is tremendous value to this understanding, even if not all apparent today. that however much of it i can learn to build into my life, i will be the better for it.

books hold considerable knowledge. indeed, we are fortunate to live in a world with so many books, so much knowledge at our fingertips. we have simply to think of a book, and we have it before us. the wonders of technology. but books are not all, by any means. can we attain enlightenment from reading 100, 1000 texts about enlightenment? no. but as vivekananda says, these books contain stimuli that can spark off spiritual growth within us. for knowledge to be imbibed, our souls must be open. and for our souls to be open, they must empty themselves out thoroughly. of all previous beliefs and prejudices. of all prior adherence. indeed, it is all attachment to knowledge that must be shunned. for only when one is unattached is one ready to receive.

i am grateful today for all these books that lie by my bedside, and others that have been duly returned after being borrowed and digested. i am grateful for the knowledge these have bestowed upon me, and the knowledge they continue to bestow with subsequent reads. i pray only that this soul within truly is open, sans prejudice, sans bias. so that ignorance within may transform itself to knowledge. so darkness may proceed to light. so truth may permeate.

so the heart may be emptied of all but love.

excerpts from vedanta (2)

here are the rest of the excerpts - from chapters 7 to 12. splitting a reallllly long post into two shorter posts, for what it's worth :).

Now and then comes a heavy blow to the soul. For a time he stops the eating and goes toward the unknown God, and a flood of light comes. He thinks that this world is a vain show. Yet again the senses drag him down, and he begins as before to eat the sweet and bitter fruits of the world. Again an exceptionally hard blow comes. His heart becomes open again to divine light. Thus gradually he approaches God, and as he gets nearer and nearer, he finds his old self melting away. When he has come near enough, he sees that he is no other than God, and he exclaims: "He whom I have described to you as the Life of this universe, as present in the atom and in suns and moons - He is the basis of our own life, the Soul of our soul. Nay, thou art That."

There can be no triangle without all its three angles, and there can be no true love without its three following characteristics: The first angle of our triangle of love is that love knows no bargaining. The second angle of the triangle of love is that love knows no fear. The third angle of the love-triangle is that love knows no rival, for in it is always embodied the lover's highest ideal.

The highest ideal of every man is called God. Ignorant or wise, saint or sinner, man or woman, educated or uneducated, cultivated or uncultivated - to every human being the highest ideal is God. The synthesis of all the highest ideals of beauty, of sublimity, and of power gives us the most complete conception of the loving and lovable God.

This is the gist of all worship: to be pure and to do good to others. He who sees Shiva in the poor, in the weak, and in the diseased, really worships Shiva. And if he sees Shiva only in the image, his worship is but preliminary. He who has served and helped one poor man seeing Shiva in him, without thinking of his caste or creed or race or anything, with him Shiva is more pleased than with the man who sees Him only in temples.

At the beginning it was love for the self, but the claims of the little love made love selfish. At the end came the full blaze of light, when that self had become the Infinite. That God, who at first was a Being somewhere, became resolved, as it were, into Infinite Love. Man himself was also transformed. He was approaching God. He was throwing off all vain desires, of which he was full before. With desires vanished selfishness, and at the apex he found that Love, Lover, and Beloved were One.

This is the first lesson to learn: Be determined not to curse anything outside, not to lay the blame upon anyone outside, but be a man, stand up, lay the blame on yourself. You will find that that is always true.

A child begins to play on the piano. At first she must pay attention to every key she is fingering, and as she goes on and on for months and years, the playing becomes almost involuntary, instinctive. What was first done with conscious will does not require later on an effort of the will. This is not yet a complete proof. One half remains, and that is the fact that almost all the actions which are now instinctive can be brought under the control of the will. Each muscle of the body can be brought under control. This is perfectly well known. So the proof is complete, by this double method, that what we now call instinct is the degeneration of voluntary actions. Therefore, if the analogy applies to the whole creation, if all nature is uniform, then what is instinct in lower animals, as well as in men, must be the degeneration of will.

All the strength and succor you want is within yourselves. Therefore make your own future. Let the dead past bury its dead. The infinite future is before you, and you must always remember that each word, thought, and deed lays up a store for you, and that as the bad thoughts and bad works are ready to spring upon you as tigers, so also there is the inspiring hope that the good thoughts and good deeds are ready with the power of a hundred thousand angels to defend you always and forever.

None can be Vedantists and at the same time admit of privilege to anyone, either mental, physical, or spiritual - absolutely no privilege for anyone. The same power is in every man, the one manifesting more, the other less. The same potentiality is in everyone. Where is the claim to privilege? All knowledge is in every soul, even in the most ignorant. He has not manifested it, but perhaps he has not had the opportunity - the environments were not, perhaps, suitable to him. When he gets the opportunity, he will manifest it. The idea that one man is born superior to another has no meaning in Vedanta.

In the old Upanishads we find sublime poetry. Their authors were poets. Plato says that inspiration comes to people through poetry, and it seems as if these ancient rishis, seers of truth, were raised above humanity to show these truths through poetry. They never preached or philosophized or wrote. Music came out of their hearts. In Buddha we had the great, universal heart and infinite patience, making religion practical and bringing it to everyone's door. In Shankaracharya we saw tremendous intellectual power, throwing the scorching light of reason upon everything. We want today that bright sun of intellectuality joined with the heart of Buddha, the wonderful, infinite heart of love and mercy. This union will give us the highest philosophy. Science and religion will meet and shake hands. Poetry and philosophy will become friends. This will be the religion of the future, and if we can work it out, we may be sure that it will be for all times and peoples.

Vedanta believes in only one sin, only one in the world, and it is this: The moment you think you are a sinner, or anybody else is a sinner, that is sin. From that follows every other mistake, or what is usually called sin. There have been many mistakes in our lives. But we are going on. Glory be unto us that we have made mistakes! Take a long look at your past life. If your present condition is good, it has been caused by all the past mistakes as well as successes. Glory be unto success! Glory be unto mistakes! Do not look back upon what has been done. Go ahead!

There is a Hindu legend that the Lord was once incarnated on earth as a pig. He had a pig mate and in course of time several little pigs were born to Him. He was very happy with His family, living in the mire, squealing with joy, forgetting His divine glory and lordship. The gods became exceedingly concerned and came to the earth to beg Him to give up the pig body and return to heaven. But the Lord would have none of that. He drove them away. He said He was very happy and did not want to be disturbed. Seeing no other course, the gods destroyed the pig body of the Lord. At once He regained His divine majesty and was astonished that He could have found any joy in being a pig.

People behave in the same way. Whenever they hear of the Impersonal God, they say, "What will become of my individuality? - my individuality will go!" The next time that thought comes, remember the pig, and then think what an infinite mine of happiness you have, each one of you. How pleased you are with your present condition. But when you realize what you truly are, you will be astonished that you were unwilling to give up your sense life. What is there in your personality? Is it any better than that pig life? And this you do not want to give up! Lord bless us all!

The pig body is hard to give up. We are sorry to lose the enjoyment of our one little pig body! Vedanta does not say, "Give it up." It says, "Transcend it." No need of asceticism - better would be the enjoyment of two bodies, better three, living in more bodies than one!

What is the God of Vedanta? He is principle, not person.

and really, i would have liked to record almost the entirety of the last chapter: the universality of vedanta. much to internalize, much to practice. the essence is this - the strength is within. it must all come from within. there is limitless light within. we know it is there, for we can sense it in fleeting moments when our heart is but pure and selfless. follow that light. that is all we need to do.

excerpts from vedanta (1)

just finished reading vedanta: the voice of freedom and found it deeply empowering. how apt that the virtue of this month is unity. i post some excerpts here (from chapters 1-6) to summarize some of the high points of the first half of this reading for me.

If the room is dark, do you go about beating your chest and crying, "It is dark, dark, dark!" No. The only way to get light is to strike a light, and then the darkness goes. The only way to realize the light above you is to strike the spiritual light within you, and the darkness of sin and impurity will flee away. Think of your higher self, not of your lower.

And here is the test of truth: Anything that makes you weak physically, intellectually, and spiritually, reject as poison. There is no life in it; it cannot be true. Truth is strengthening. Truth is purity; truth is all-knowledge. Truth must be strengthening, must be enlightening, must be invigorating... Strength, strength is what the Upanishads speak to me from every page. This is the one great thing to remember.

My salutation goes to the feet of the good, the saintly, and to the feet of the wicked and the devilish! They are all my teachers, my spiritual fathers, all are my saviors. I may curse one and yet benefit by his failings; I may bless another and benefit by his good deeds.

Tat Tvam Asi, "Thou Art That"
To every man this is taught: Thou art one with this Universal Being, and, as such, every soul that exists is your soul, and every body that exists is your body. And in hurting anyone, you hurt yourself. In loving anyone, you love yourself. As soon as a current of hatred is thrown outside, whomsoever else it hurts, it also hurts yourself. And if love comes out from you, it is bound to come back to you. For I am the universe. This universe is my body. I am the Infinite, only I am not conscious of it now. But I am struggling to get this consciousness of the Infinite, and perfection will be reached when full consciousness of this Infinite comes.

We have no theory of evil. We call it ignorance.

"Why weepest thou, my friend? There is no fear nor death for thee. Why weepest thou? There is no misery for thee, for thou art like the infinite blue sky, unchangeable in thy nature. Clouds of all colors come before it, play for a moment, and pass away. It is the same sky. Thou hast only to drive away the clouds."

We have to open the gates and clear the way. The water will rush in and fill in by its own nature, because it is there already.

Ask nothing; want nothing in return. Give what you have to give. It will come back to you - but do not think of that now. It will come back multiplied a thousandfold, but the attention must not be on that. Yet have the power to give. Give, and let it end there. Learn that the whole of life is giving, that nature will force you to give. So give willingly. Sooner or later you will have to give up. You come into life to accumulate. With clenched hands you want to take. But nature puts a hand on you throat and makes your hands open. Whether you will it or not, you have to give. The moment you say, "I will not," the blow comes; you are hurt.

Let stars come. What harm is there? If a star disturbs my life, it would not be worth a cent. You will find that astrology and all these mystical things are generally signs of a weak mind. Therefore, as soon as they become prominent in our minds, we should see a physician, take good food, and rest.

Stand upon the Self. Then only can we truly love the world. Take a very, very high stand. Knowing our universal nature, we must look with perfect calmness upon all the panorama of the world. It is but baby's play, and we know that, so cannot be disturbed by it. If the mind is pleased with praise it will be displeased with blame. All pleasures of the senses or even of the mind are evanescent, but within ourselves is the one true unrelated pleasure, dependent upon nothing. It is perfectly free. It is bliss. The more our bliss is within, the more spiritual we are. The pleasure of the Self is what the world calls religion.

Hold yourself as a witness and go on working. My Master used to say, "Look upon your children as a nurse does." The nurse will take your baby and fondle it and play with it and behave toward it as gently as if it were her own child. But as soon as you give her notice to quit, she is ready to start off, bag and baggage, from the house. Everything in the shape of attachment is forgotten. It will not give the ordinary nurse the least pang to leave your children and take up other children. Even so are you to be with all that you consider your own. You are like the nurse. If you believe in God, believe that all these things which you considered yours are really His.

The desire to do good is the highest motive power we have, if we know all the time that it is a privilege to help others. Do not stand on a high pedestal and take five cents in your hand and say, "Here, my poor man!" But be grateful that the poor man is there, so that by making a gift to him you are able to help yourself. It is not the receiver that is blessed, but it is the giver. Be thankful that you are allowed to exercise the power of your benevolence and mercy in this world, and thus become pure and perfect.

religion is realization

i am now ensconced in vedanta: voice of freedom. like all others in recent times, this book happened upon me (thank you a & b). on more than a few occasions has my heart felt like singing as it reads the words of swami vivekananda. i extract for you a passage that speaks, in part, to a conversation we had yesterday, as also to the religious turmoil that afflicts the society of today, while the memory of mumbai is still fresh.

Religion is a question of fact, not of talk. We have to analyze our own souls and find what is there. We have to understand it and realize what is understood. That is religion. No amount of talk will make religion. So the question of whether there is a God or not can never be proved by argument, for the arguments are as much on one side as on the other. But if there is a God, He is in our own hearts. Have you ever seen Him?

The sages of the world alone have the right to tell us that they have analyzed their minds and have found these facts, and if we do the same we shall also believe, and not before. That is all that there is in religion. But you must always remember this: that as a matter of fact, ninety-nine percent of those who attack religion have never analyzed their minds, have never struggled to get at the facts. So their arguments do not have any weight against religion any more than the words of a blind man who cries out, "You are all fools who believe in the sun," would affect us.

This is one great idea to learn and to hold on to, this idea of realization. This turmoil and fight and difference in religion will cease only when we understand that religion is not in books and temples. It is in actual perception. Only then who has actually perceived God and the soul has religion. There is no real difference between the highest ecclesiastical giant, who can talk by the volume, and the lowest, most ignorant materialist. We are all atheists - let us confess it. Mere intellectual assent does not make us religious.

Take a Christian or a Mohammedan or a follower of any other religion in the world. Any man who truly realized the truth of the Sermon on the Mount would be perfect and become a god immediately. Yet it is said that there are many millions of Christians in the world. What is meant is that mankind may at some time try to realize that Sermon. Not one in two million is a real Christian. So, in India there are said to be three hundred million Vedantists. But if there were one in a thousand who had actually realized religion, this world would soon be greatly changed. We are all atheists, and yet we try to fight the man who admits it. We are all in the dark. Religion is to us mere intellectual assent, mere talk, mere nothing.

We often consider a man religious who can talk well. But this is not religion. "Wonderful methods of joining words, rhetorical powers, and explaining the texts of the books in various ways - these are only for the enjoyment of the learned, and are not religion." Religion comes when that actual realization in our own souls begins. That will be the dawn of religion, and then alone we shall be moral. Now we are not much more moral than animals. We are only held down by the whips of society. If society said today, "I will not punish you if you steal," we would just make a rush for each other's property. It is the policeman who makes us moral. It is really social opinion that makes us moral, and really we are little better than animals. We understand how much this is so in the secret of our own hearts. So let us not be hypocrites. Let us confess that we are not religious and have no right to look down on others. We are all brothers, and we shall be truly moral when we have realized religion.

If you have seen a certain country and a man forces you to say that you have not seen it, still in your heart of hearts you know you have. So when you see religion and God in a more intense sense thn you see this external world, nothing will be able to shake your belief. Then you will have real faith. That is what is meant by the words in your Gospel, "If ye have faith as a grain of a mustard seed." Then you will know the Truth because you have become the Truth.

This is the watchword of Vedanta: Realize religion. No talking will do.

november

this was a month of love and thankfulness.

of reading and writing,
understanding and believing.
of increased knowledge,
and decreased ignorance.
of learning to let go,
but also to persist -
with strength, courage
and patience.
of duty as happiness,
and happiness as duty.
of peace
and devotion.
of looking within,
of looking beyond.
of speaking gently,
and listening deeply.
of learning to forgive
others and myself.

of smiling.
of shining.
of learning to live.

it was a month of giving love,
it was a month of giving thanks.

a bedtime prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

the power of self

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

on dharma

i had understood dharma to be that path of life necessary for one's spiritual advancement, which involves progress towards one's true self and the annihilation of individualistic pride. i now (very briefly) summarize the 'bottom-up' notion of dharma that the gita presents. i find it helps to think of dharma as the basic nature of an entity, its inherent path of duty. the dharma of a complex entity is then realized by the smooth intermingling of the dharma of each of its components. so:

the dharma of the mind is to think, to imagine, cogitate, accept, believe, value.

the dharma of the organs of perception is to imbibe the knowledge of sense objects.

the dharma of the intellect is to discern, comprehend, judge impartially, take decisions.

and the dharma of the jivatma then is to ensure that the mind, intellect and sense organs perform their dharma without hindrance and in perfect freedom so as to establish an equanimous intellect, enable the being to transcend individualistic confines, and allow the dharma of the individual to be realized, which is to be established in sat chit anand.

the gita

has been read in its entirety. it was a journey unlike any other, for i have learned much not just from the text on the pages, but also from the process of reading and digesting with persistence and in so many sittings. and yet, this is but the beginning of my sadhana. much remains to be understood, absorbed, assimilated and reflected in daily living. i will write more about my lessons from the gita in future, but today i leave you with the words of buddha:

I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill-health.
There is no way to escape having ill-health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love
are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground on which I stand.

a prayer for the day

In Sanskrit:

असतो मा सद्गमय |
तमसो मा ज्योतिर्गमय ||
मृत्योर् मा अमृतं गमय |
ॐ शांति शांति शांति ||

Transliteration:

Asato ma sadgamaya
Tamaso ma jyotirgamaya
Mrityorma amritamgamaya
Om shanti shanti shanti!

Translation:

Lead me from the Unreal to Real,
Lead me from Darkness to Light,
Lead me from Death to Immortality,
Oh Almighty! May there be Peace! Peace! Peace!

[Brihdaranyaka Upanisada 1:3:27]

medhavi

i will soon find myself at the culmination of my 1252 page journey through the gita. with today's reading, my mind dwells on the medhavi, as discussed in the translation of shloka 10 of the final chapter. the shloka literally translates as follows:

He who does not shun actions that are unpropitious and who is not excessively attached to actions that are propitious, that Medhavi, endowed with the qualities of sattva and devoid of doubt, is a renunciate.

the discussion of this shloka (in the translation i read) establishes the distinction between bhavana and medhavi, that i find particularly powerful. i document my understanding here:

bhavana is the faculty of argumentation that finds form in one's thoughts and imagination. with the aid of various illusory principles and convoluted thought processes, it finds a way to rationalize all conduct. by drawing the mind into a self-propelling descent, it attempts to prove adharma as dharma. indeed, it has limitless potential for deceit within and without.

now, if this same energy takes up the task of establishing the truth, and establishing itself in the truth, it becomes medhavi. medhavi possesses the same qualities as bhavana, except that it employs its methods to steep itself in the truth. while bhavana clouds the individual's understanding and perception, entering him/her into a web of lies, medhavi elucidates this very understanding of truth through sound reasoning and argumentation. with its diplomatic strength, it wins over the mind and infuses it with purity. with its humility, it is able to raise its voice against itself.

the non-dualistic relationship between bhavana and medhavi intrigues me in particular. one may not exist without the other, and that is key. there is not a multitude of energies that circulate within us; there is one energy - ever fluid, ever transforming. the sadhak has merely to understand this fluidity and how he/she may direct it to acquire greater knowledge.

a story

i'd like to share a story with you. make of it what you will.

several years ago, there was a guy i had bumped into at an asha meeting - a graduate student at berkeley, and more i shall not reveal. i was coordinating the berkeley chapter in those days, and found his emails to the list mostly uncalled for. shortly after, he spammed the asha list with an email that i then thought bizarre and unacceptable for tone and content (details omitted). most others thought so as well, accompanying me in expressing harsh, unforgiving criticism. the incident is long forgotten for most, i imagine. my mind has somehow dwelled on it in recent days. the incidents that stick out in our lives are often worth revisiting iteratively. with time and added wisdom, they offer a refreshing insight each time.

i don't know the details of what he did all these years and what he does now, but this unfortunate student was sent back to india shortly after he sent this mail i mention. there he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. the next few years, i recall hearing, were hard for him. about a year ago, he added me to his facebook list of friends. we haven't communicated directly, not that we'd ever shared a one-on-one interaction really, but today i had the chance to visit his personal blog (due - in fact - to the tragic turn of events in mumbai). and i was stunned.

not least because he openly acknowledged his battles with bipolar disorder. the insight and wisdom in his written thoughts was so immense. not only had he learned much from the lessons life had taught him, but here he was recording them, sharing them with the world so that others could learn from them as well. can a man's heart get any larger?

i am ashamed that i was ever so harshly critical of him. ashamed that i was too wary to add him as a facebook friend. ashamed that i was so quick to write off another human being, and one from whom i had so much to learn today. why does forgiveness come so hard to us sometimes? so the 'i' may find its fodder to declare itself superior? sigh.

and it was!

the virtues of this month are love and thankfulness. i am thankful today, for love.

i just got home from a heartwarming thanksgiving dinner with friends and family. indeed, i had not expected so lovely an evening (though i don't believe i expected anything in particular), and found considerable joy in seeing both new faces and old. there was excellent food (that i did expect), excellent singing, and an excellent game of taboo :). more than anything, i feel blessed to be surrounded by limitless love, from near and far. and so, today, i ask you god - grant me the strength to allow this same love to travel through me - uncorrupted - to all those around. may it remain so strong and so pure that it succeed in transforming the fiercest fear into lasting love.

this poem comes again to mind. thank you, cummings!

happy thanksgiving!

this is a day to give thanks, and amidst the terror and rage, let us not forget that good never ceases to exist. i thank the lord for this good that inspires greater good, dispels darkness and brings us to light. i'm reminded of a hymn i used to sing in younger days, when i was in kindergarten. the happy words (of cecil alexander) would fill my heart with joy then, just as they do today. i share them with you in the hope of multiplying that same joy:

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The good Lord made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colors,
He made their tiny wings.

The rich man in his castle,
The poor man at his gate,
He made them, high or lowly,
And ordered their estate.

The purple headed mountains,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning
That brightens up the sky.

The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.

The tall trees in the greenwood,
The meadows where we play,
The rushes by the water,
To gather every day.

He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well.

the problem of evil

after yesterday's attacks (that continue to cause suffering today), i re-read the problem of evil - chapter 3 of sadhana. there are several excerpts i'd like to record that help me conceive of this problem of evil, reinforcing at the same time the eventuality of goodness. i italicize the highlights of these excerpts (as i see them).

Is imperfection the final truth, is evil absolute and ultimate? The river has its boundaries, its banks, but is a river all banks? Or are the banks the final facts about the river? Do not these obstructions themselves give its water an onward motion? The towing rope binds a boat, but is the bondage its meaning? Does it not at the same time draw the boat forward?

The wonder is not that there should be obstacles and sufferings in this world, but that there should be law and order, beauty and joy, goodness and love. ... In fact, imperfection is not a negation of perfectness; finitude is not contradictory to infinity: they are but completeness manifested in parts, infinity revealed within bounds.

To go through the history of the development of science is to go through the maze of mistakes it made current at different times. Yet no one really believes that science is the one perfect mode of disseminating mistakes. The progressive ascertainment of truth is the important thing to remember in the history of science, not its innumerable mistakes. Error, by its nature, cannot be stationary...

... death is not the ultimate reality. It looks black, as the sky looks blue; but it does not blacken existence, just as the sky does not leave its stain upon the wings of the bird.

... our life is facing the infinite, and it is in movement. Its aspiration is therefore infinitely more than its achievement, and as it goes on it finds that no realisation of truth ever leaves it stranded on the desert of finality, but carries it to a region beyond. Evil cannot altogether arrest the course of life on the highway and rob it of its possessions. For the evil has to pass on, it has to grow into good; it cannot stand and give battle to the All.

As it is, man does not really believe in evil, just as he cannot believe that violin strings have been purposely made to create the exquisite torture of discordant notes, though by the aid of statistics it can be mathematically proved that the probability of discord is far greater than that of harmony, and for one who can play the violin there are thousands who cannot. The potentiality of perfection outweighs actual contradictions.

For we feel that good is the positive element in man's nature, and in every age and every clime what man values most is his ideals of goodness. We have known the good, we have loved it, and we have paid our highest reverence to men who have shown in their lives what goodness is.

For will is the supreme wish of the larger life, the life whose greater portion is out of our present reach, most of whose objects are not before our sight. Then comes the conflict of our lesser man with our greater man, of our wishes with our will, of the desire for things affecting our senses with the purpose that is within our heart. Then we begin to distinguish between what we immediately desire and what is good. For good is that which is desirable for our greater self.

This moral sense of man not only gives him the power to see that the self has a continuity in time, but it also enables him to see that he is not true when he is only restricted to his own self. He is more in truth than he is in fact. He truly belongs to individuals who are not included in his own individuality, and whom he is never even likely to know.

So in order to claim the aid of truth, selfishness has to be unselfish to some extent. A band of robbers must be moral in order to hold together as a band; they may rob the whole world but not each other. To make an immoral intention successful, some of its weapons must be moral.

And the teaching of Buddha is to cultivate this moral power to the highest extent, to know that our field of activities is not bound to the plane of our narrow self. This is the vision of the heavenly kingdom of Christ. When we attain to that universal life, which is the moral life, we become freed from the bonds of pleasure and pain, and the place vacated by our self becomes filled with an unspeakable joy which springs from measureless love. In this state the soul's activity is all the more heightened, only its motive power is not from desires, but in its own joy. This is the Karma Yoga of the Gita, the way to become one with the infinite activity by the exercise of the activity of disinterested goodness.

So, if it is a truth that the yearning of our nature is for reality, and that our personality cannot be happy with a fantastic universe of its own creation, then it is clearly best for it that our will can only deal with things by following their law, and cannot do with them just as it pleases. This unyielding sureness of reality sometimes crosses our will, and very often leads us to disaster, just as the firmness of the earth invariably hurts the falling child who is learning to walk. ... Things are what they are, and we have to know them if we would deal with them, and knowledge of them is possible because our wish is not their law. This knowledge is a joy to us, for the knowledge is one of the channels of our relation with the things outside us; it is making them our own, and thus widening the limit of our self.

At every step we have to take into account others than ourselves. For only in death are we alone. A poet is a true poet when he can make his personal idea joyful to all men, which he could not do if he had not a medium common to all his audience. This common language has its own law which the poet must discover and follow, by doing which he becomes true and attains poetical immortality.

We are on our way to overcome disease and death, to conquer pain and poverty; for through scientific knowledge we are ever on our way to realise the universal in its physical aspect. And as we make progress we find that pain, disease, and poverty of power are not absolute, but that it is only the want of adjustment of our individual self to our universal self which gives rise to them.

The most important lesson that man can learn from his life is not that there is pain in this world, but that it depends upon him to turn it into good account, that it is possible for him to transmute it into joy. ... Man's freedom is never in being saved troubles, but it is the freedom to take trouble for his own good, to make the trouble an element in his joy.

It is only when we invoke the aid of pain for our self-gratification that she becomes evil and takes her vengeance for the insult done to her by hurling us into misery. For she is the vestal virgin consecrated to the service of the immortal perfection, and when she takes her true place before the altar of the infinite she casts off her dark veil and bares her face to the beholder as a revelation of supreme joy.

a prayer for the suffering

if prayer does indeed transcend physical distance, i extend an earnest prayer for the injured and their loved ones who suffer on account of the terrorist attacks in mumbai today. but also, dear lord, please shine your light on those who undergo far greater suffering - those who initiate these attacks on the innocent. and for the rest of us who grieve on account of this suffering, pray keep the spirit of hope alive.