the week that was

monday brought the republic day celebrations, and with those - a deep sense of belonging to this land. the parade was something else (it has been long since i witnessed it last), and the winter sunshine certainly added to its charm. the awarding of the ashoka chakras (all posthumous) i found most memorable, as i filled with admiration thinking about the sacrifices made by the brave souls. a beautiful morning, in entirety. (theme: selfless sacrifice)

banswara brought with it so much in so little time. i am still overwhelmed as i try to unpack the experiences of that short trip. perhaps i will say more later. (theme: humility)

and now, i get ready to leave on a jet plane. this visit home was phenomenal in about 4,000 different ways. no doubt it pinches to leave, but to experience the beauty of living, one must embrace the struggle as well. i look forward to it. (theme: unconditional love)

giving

this was the month of giving

to him
to her
to it
to them
to you

of self.

to chennai with love

dear chennai,

you had me at hello. from the time that your name flashed upon my eyes until my flight took off two days later, you kept me charmed in entirety. here, i attempt to do justice to some of the wonderful moments we shared.

i had only a day (less than, in fact) to spend with you, and wondered if i could do justice. the morning began with a lovely view from the 6th floor windows of hotel savera on r.k. salai and the sound of the namaz being read in the distance. after a sumptuous breakfast downstairs with dad, i waited for s to come. she (and her infinite kindness) had offered to take me around for the day.

[a called me while i waited for s, and in my presumption that any call that came had to be from s (since she was the one i was waiting to hear from), i asked immediately if i should "come down" :). few people are more entertaining when surprised, and i still laugh at the way a repeated with surprise, "come down?".]

delayed in our departure from the hotel, the driver of our cab told us that our first stop - kapaleswarar temple in mylapore - would close at 11 (it was 10.40 already). hoping to catch a 10 minute darshan, we arrived there to discover that it would close instead at 1, unlike most days. today was apparently a most auspicious day - first, because it was a friday; second, because it was the first friday after pongal; and third, because it was the day of the pradosham puja. i cannot describe the aura of the temple and do it justice. that i spent nearly two hours within may speak for itself. s showed me around the temple beautifully well, while i listened intently, understood, and followed in her steps. i pray that the pradosham puja helped wash away some of my sins as well (as is its objective).

after offering our prayers to each of the deities, s and i visited the kapaleswarar tank facing the west gopuram and bought some puffed rice to feed the fishes. it was blissful to simply watch every grain of rice disappear within seconds, as the fishes kept their mouths hungrily open (almost) the entire time. we then went back into the temple, did namaskaram, and left the temple complex from the main gopuram in the east. this is when it struck me to take some pictures, and as soon as i had taken the camera out of the car, the temple gates were closed. no doubt our visit had been perfectly timed.

having bought some postcards and a picture of the deities, we left the temple grounds. while i lamented over not getting a picture of the beautiful tank, i found that our car was passing through the tank on our way out, and i was able to stop and get out again. as a bonus, s bought me a tender coconut as well. nectar, indeed.

i was supposed to have called a a while ago, but within the temple i could not, so i called now. she had stepped out though, and the meeting was not to be. incidentally, s complimented me here by asking if i had lived in chennai before, since my pronunciations were so good. i confessed i hadn't, but it felt good nonetheless :). and in a previous birth, perhaps.

from the temple then, we headed to the theosophical society across the adyar river. the campus was stunning - green, peaceful, and perfect. while at the entrance gate, i walked around taking some pictures, only to be attacked on the back of the head by a crow in flight. a first experience, and as i was told, it was to scare me away from the tree i was photographing, because that was where the crow had its nest. a gentle and touching encounter :). (it reminded me of ramana's verse on the hornet's nest.)

we went deeper into the campus and visited, first, the buddha temple. inscribed on the walls was "there is no religion greater than truth", and all the major religions of the world found representation here. the architecture was ancient but western, reminiscent of british india. we proceeded to see the famed banyan tree. indeed, what a tree. unfortunately, the core of the tree had found its demise 7 years ago, but the roots had extended a vast distance. it was a sight. the security guard there engaged s in a long conversation, as he told her (and she me) about the society, its visitors, the tree, the laws he tried to enforce, what we were missing out on, etc. after spending a long and peaceful moment in the quiet and serenity, the coolness and warmth, and nature and its bounty, we headed to the library (alas, it was closed), and then back out.

as we were near the olcott memorial high school, where my friend's mother is principal, we decided to stop by to say hello. this was certainly the longest hello in my experience. we could not escape a full-fledged and entirely perspective-granting tour of the school, its people, and its activities. more on this later, when i fulfill my promise of writing a site visit report on a surprise visit (for the school and me!). i'd like to add however that the glass of cow's milk we were served here was the sweetest-tasting glass of milk i've ever had (sans sugar, naturally).

time was short, or in the negative, rather, but we headed onward to the ashtalakshmi temple anyway (note that lunch bore no mention). i had thought i'd have to sacrifice this darshan, but luck favored me. the darshan was neither rushed nor less than perfect. surprisingly, i even remember the eight lakshmis (adi, vidya, vijaya, dhana, dhanya, dhairya, gaja, and santhana).

when we exited the temple, it really was time to go. i had been looking longingly at the beach for the while, and when the driver was not to be found, s let me run to touch the waters (of the great bay of bengal). i cannot describe the sheer joy this ignited within, but perhaps the photos that s was kind to take will do the honor. bliss defined itself in those cherished moments.

in all this time, lunch had been entirely forgotten. there wasn't even time to eat a decent meal at woodlands, as we had hoped. but once we were back at the conference venue, we were given some bread, jam, and papaya. perhaps nothing like woodlands, but a memorable lunch indeed :).

the ride to the airport through the traffic of chennai was a breeze. among all the metropolitan cities of india that i have visited, chennai, your traffic conditions are indeed superior. later, in the flight, when i looked for my cellphone to switch it off, i found there was no phone. somewhere along the day, it had been left behind. i pray that it fell in good hands and to good use.

thank you, dear city, for a lovely day. it was immersed in the four i's through and through. the lords have been kind, indeed, in plenty. i do hope to see you again. and soon.

(nb: pictures of you and me have been duly posted.)

scarcity is everywhere

while my chennai memoirs are still in the process of being written, i now have the republic day celebrations to record and remember. the event was beautiful and memorable, refreshing in entirety. but these must wait, for i leave for banswara early tomorrow morning. another memorable trip, no doubt, though (admittedly) it is yet to begin :).

pictures of chennai have been posted, and hundreds taken since :). given that the next week will see considerable travel, you will be patient, yes? :)

much love. please have yourself a great week!

to tirupati and back

here is a longer version of the previous post:

the night before leaving for tirupati (the same evening that i reached chennai), my mind was so active in its excitement for the upcoming trip that it took me a while to fall asleep. and in just a few hours, dad's alarm rang for me to awake (at 5). my train was at 6.30 (the saptagiri express).

initially, i was to travel alone (and happy to do so), but by a complete last-minute turn of events i'll soon describe, s - a family friend/close friend's sister who lives in chennai joined me as well. the chennai train station, even that early in the morning, offered a memorable olfactory experience :). i had looked forward to my window seat in the chair car, but of course, someone was seated there already, and it mattered none that i showed him my ticket with the seat number on it :). the understanding was immediate, and i found another seat.

the train ride was three hours long, and closer to tirupati, i was finally able to recover my seat when s took the adjacent one. years had passed since our last meeting, and so the conversation that ensued was entirely engaging. she told me then that although she'd always been spiritually inclined, she'd never been too keen on visiting temples. (this is a sentiment i identified with, and have only recently transformed. more in a later post.) a week ago, however, a close friend had described her high-impact tirupati experience to s, and s found she was keen to visit as well - a first.

although dad had intended to call and visit s's family during the time that i was in tirupati, he phoned them the night we landed instead - to determine the location of their residence. when dad explained that i was visiting as well and why, uncle immediately said that s would join me. this was at 8.30pm, and the ticket counter at the station was closed, only to open the following morning - just before the train's departure. dad and i didn't think it would/could possibly happen, but somehow, they managed to procure a ticket at 6.15, and while my compartment was booked, s also managed a spot by paying the difference. all in all, she was quite struck by the way things unfolded. as was i, when we shared details with each other.

after a memorable conversation on spirituality, meditation, advaita theories passed on to her at a very small age by her grandmother, we reached tirupati at 9.30. the two people (r and u) who received us (and took us around for the day), as i found later, spoke only telugu. i was immediately grateful to have s around :), telugu being her native language. the entire day, then, was spent in us communicating in translations back and forth. this exercise was an illuminating lesson in itself, enjoyable along with, and naturally led to greater knowledge.

we first stopped at valmiki kutiram - the guest house - for five minutes, then proceeded to the temple complex. since we were in the 'vip' line, our wait was considerably shorter. (indeed, it took me a few days to transform the feelings of guilt that ensued thus.) it was a thursday, and we were to attend the kalyanam darshan which was special in that one could see the eyes of sri venkateswara (sans the white of the naamam). standing in line was a powerful experience, as we all stood united by common purpose. there were devotees calling out 'govinda' all along the way, little boys especially. along the stone walls, devotees across the years had left their mark - coins twisted out of shape and inserted into the spaces between stones, holy beads left hanging. the heart was enveloped in shraddha - that within, and so apparent without. my mind chanted om sri venkateswaraya namah as i walked on.

i loved how our feet were cleansed before we entered the temple area - by walking over water that flowed across the stone floor. i do not know how widespread this practice is (i am told the golden temple has it too), but it was the first time it had struck me (though i have visited tirupati before). given the constant procession of devotees, it's a brilliant idea, yes?

as we got to the main (the gold) gopuram (anandanileyam), we formed a line to wait for the doors to be unlocked. in this time, a brawl broke out in the waiting area outside, and a multitude of thoughts went through me. i remember praying earnestly for calm to prevail, for the devotees to remember again why they were there, for positive energy to win over... but this was god's land after all, and humbly i realized that he would tend to it best.

the doors were finally unlocked, and as i entered, i remember how overwhelmed i was by it all - the beauty, the anticipation, the faith in abundance - and was brought, almost, to tears. s and i held hands to ensure we weren't pushed apart, and i do believe it strengthened both our prayers. there were female scouts whose task it was to simply push the crowd on - fascinating! the priests chanted "govinda, govinda, govinda" constantly, in an attempt to push us to move faster. this was all overwhelming, and gosh, did it happen fast! when we finally found ourselves before sri venkateswara, however, all was forgotten. no really, all was forgotten. for that much-longer-than-expected period, there was no one between me and him. in that long moment, i said all the prayers i had been running through my mind for days. in that moment i heard s tell me to toss in some coins, and i followed dutifully. the next second, someone said not to toss in any money (for the hundi was outside), and i stopped dutifully. we came out, and i wished there had been a way to walk backwards. the sight of sri venkateswara's eyes had indeed been special. but the image, i found, was hazy as soon as i lost sight of it. later, i was told that that is how it is. apparently, one can remember the height of the statue, the lamps burning on the sides, but not the idol. i wonder why this is, but it's true that there is much i remember, and not his face.

and in a flash, it was over.

we came out, and proceeded to receive the tirtham and blessings from the priests outside. the experience had been so surreal for both s and me, that we decided to take a few minutes to sit outside in silence. this time was spent in un-overwhelming and observing the devotees outside, realizing the immense diversity that was present - after all, tirupati sees the most number of visitors among all places of worship across the world.

we walked around, and observed the restoration work in progress to preserve the holy inscriptions on the walls of the temple. we then learned the story of sri vimana vekateswara swamy, represented on the gold gopuram. this representation had been for the untouchables who were previously un-allowed within, so that they could still worship sri venkateswara.

next, we saw the statue of yoga venkateswara swamy. as s translated, the deity is considered to bless devotees with the power of meditation. we dutifully spent several minutes in meditation before him. by this deity was the first pillar of the temple, and we went around this three times. just after, we were introduced to the 'writing' stone with water flowing over it. s translated that if we wrote our prayers on this stone (by hand), and wrote the names of those we prayed for, our prayers would be answered. so we wrote, perhaps for minutes and minutes. and i made sure i had written every name i could think of. (later, a mentioned that i shouldn't tell everyone that i prayed for everyone including my cook, but i think the important thing is that blessings from sri venkateswara are on their way, regardless of whether you are special enough to me or not :).)

the prasadam - pulihora (tamarind rice) - was delightful! after eating this, we were on our way out, walking again over the water whose flow had earlier cleansed our feet. in minutes we were out of the complex, and found ourselves amidst the shops selling tirupati souvenirs. i visited several of them, purchased a few souvenirs, and we headed out. as we debated upon where to eat, by the roadside or elsewhere, we found a wishing tree and sought our blessings. and just after, i remembered that a had recommended i eat at hotel mayura. asked if that was a possibility, and there we headed.

mayura has been renamed sandeep, but the menu still says "hotel mayura". honestly, the meal we had was one of the most memorable ever, indeed the most fulfilling that is in memory. there, we also spoke to various people who sat by us, and i was heartened again to witness the diversity of origin. in fact, the waiter was thrilled to find that s spoke telugu. in andhra pradesh, i suppose this excitement speaks of the last percentage of visitors from outside.

oh and before eating, u, who had accompanied us, also asked if we'd like to offer our hair. we decided we weren't brave enough to go bald this time, but then learned that we could make a small offering nonetheless, which we did. for this, we went to kalyana katta, where we each lost three locks - an unnoticeable loss, as it turned out. the experience was novel.

after spending a short while at valmiki kutiram after lunch, wherein we heard story after story of the wonders of tirupati from u (who was born and brought up there), and all three of us put our heads together to write the notes that led to this post, i was grateful to find a few moments to photograph the temple complex. the power of photography is reinforced when i look at these photos days after my visit - the images, the aura come back in an instant.

our train back to chennai was at 5.30 (the next time, we resolved, we'll stay overnight for the morning darshan as well), so we had little time left. setting out, we drove down the hill (taking in the wondrous sights of tirupati city below) and visited the padmavati temple. here, we were able to go all the way into the inner sanctum, and for a few minutes. the experience, once again, was something else. and again, no matter how hard i tried to record the sights within, there is little i can remember now. all i can remember is the feeling of an aura, no more.

we were running late, and rushed to the train station. these images are easier to recall. seats were easier to find this time, since the train was hardly as crowded. there are also some pictures of the station and the saptagiri express. the train left at 5.20 as scheduled, and we were on our way back to chennai. after two hours of stimulating conversing that left my head, neck, throat hurting :), s and i spent our last hour in the train contemplating our experiences in silence. at 8.30, we found ourselves at the chennai train station yet again. in 14 hours, life was much changed.

that was the tirupati darshan, but i find it necessary to add that these words do no justice to (easily) one of the most powerful, peaceful, and memorable days of my life. that they may assist in my reconstruction of the images within, i am hopeful. photographs have been duly posted, with captions to follow.

(nb: i shall update this post as other undocumented memories find their way in.)

govinda!

mesmerizing is what the tirupati darshan was. it is now past midnight, and the day - from start to finish - was unquestionably one of those i would not trade for a palace of jewels. the morning, the train ride on saptagiri express to tirupati, the drive up the hills, the unforgettable darshan, unmatched purity, the photographing, the people, the conversations, the love, power, and warmth, remembering the loved to include each in prayer (thus counting my blessings), being moved to tears, the peace and contentment that remain, the most fulfilling meal in memory, the offerings, the padmavati temple, train ride back, meeting old friends, and the walk on marina beach nearing midnight - every force aligned itself to make this one of the most powerful i have experienced. really, i do not exaggerate.

details will be provided in due time, should you like to read. right now, my fuel zone is blinking red. tomorrow, i shall work on chennai. as for you, please know that sri venkateswara is working on your prayers.

chennai calling

the day was a busy one, especially given the slooow pace of life these days (indeed, i have diligently followed my zen resolve for january - of walking slowly like a cow, chewing cud). first, there was the rude awakening at the dentist's. after the extraction that was entirely a walk in the park, the two very miniscule fillings today killed me :). (so much for separation of body from mind :o.)

then there was beautiful dilli haat with mom and sis. 'tis only in this trip home that i have discovered the true joy of 'window'-shopping at dilli haat, which lies in simply appreciating the artwork that is sold there. there is so much and varied art to be found here, i'd recommend it over an art gallery any day. the humility of the artists leaves me moved each time, without fail. after partaking also of the sunshine and cool winter breeze, i moved on...

...to have lunch with a 1.5 year old friend i was meeting for the first time :). when i saw him, i wasn't sure it was him - it was one of those first meetings. most enjoyable though, really. he's apparently pursuing a phd in the intersection of economics, technology, and hindustani classical music! there was so much to learn in that little lunch meeting. of course, lunch too was an exquisite meal of a 'cottage cheese and pickled mushroom panini' with a minty mint tea.

that was before the 2.5 hr flight to chennai, the southern capital of india. it was a surreal feeling to read the name of the city far in the distance as the plane prepared to land. [apparently, the flight had on it all the senior officers from the central vigilance commission (for the conference which brought me here as well). "so much for risk management practices", one of the other comissioners said :).] we were escorted from the airport to hotel savera, where i had a lovely multi-cuisine buffet dinner at the piano, consisting of mushroom chow-mein, veg. white gravy, veg. chili fry, kaikari pulao, beans poriyal, and sambar all in one meal, with papaya and pineapple chunks for dessert. (papaya has seen a remarkable escalation in value for me in this trip - i might go so far as to call it my favorite fruit.)

our room is on the 6th floor, and the view is amazing (although this is chennai and not new york, admittedly). overall, the temperate climate (that i have always loved) has already worked its charm (in addition to turning me into a golliwog), and i can barely wait to breathe in the indian ocean. coming from the cold delhi winter, i did look forward much to the warm chennai air, but i'd forgotten that india has a penchant for turning the ac on full blast wherever possible :). there has been no need to remove the sweater thus far!

traveling in india, especially to the ends of the country, has always brought tremendous fulfillment. as though the heart yearns to be able to say - to every grain of indian sand - "india, i am yours". cheesy, yes, but heart-felt. friday will bring forth a full-fledged chennai darshan.

but the train to tirupati is at 6.30am tomorrow, so i shall turn in now. you are invited to telepathize your prayers to me so i may turn them over to safe hands at the darshan.

parkalam!

the 20th

here i am, half a world away, and all one sees on the varied tv channels is washington dc right now :). a big day, a big moment - good for you, america! and god be with you, obama!

the orange dahlia

yesterday, we saw the first rains of 2009 in delhi. it rained through the night (the sound of the pouring rain as one drifts in and out of sleep is blissful indeed) and the morning found the garden bathed in freshness. without a thought, i pulled out my camera as soon as i awoke, and stepped out into the wet cold to capture the garden flowers in their pristine beauty. as i took pictures (duly posted) of the colorful potted dahlias, i wished that the pretty one in orange wasn't set against the red brick wall. the contrast was less than perfect and took away from the unparalleled charm of the orange. as i experimented with various shots, i found that the only solution would be to pull the pot out and place it against the white wall on the other side of things. this would take considerable physical effort, however, and i decided i would sacrifice the shot instead.

this afternoon, as i stepped out and marveled again at the flowering dahlias, my eyes immediately sought the single, beautiful, orange one. imagine my surprise to find that it was no longer set against the red wall, but had been dutifully moved to 'the other side of things' and stood against the white wall instead.

these things make one wonder, yes? (i wonder what my skeptic reader will say ;). i should clarify that i hadn't voiced my concern to a soul. also that none of the other pots had changed their positions. by process of elimination, we decided it was the gardener who did it. but why that pot, and why that move, only god knows :).

shraddha

this afternoon was spicmacay's spell-binding inaugural concert, and i'm blessed to have attended. the performances were by pt. birju maharaj and pts. rajan and sajan mishra. i wonder if there could exist a stronger proof for the divinity of man than the perfection these artistes have attained to in their art forms.

the concert was at lady shri ram college (lsr), and as was apparent in the cheering - the audience was overwhelmingly female. mom and i arrived there early to ensure seats, and were surprised to find the auditorium considerably filled several minutes before the concert was to begin. the addresses given by students and professors were both pleasant and rich, and then pt. birju maharaj's troupe was introduced.

the kathak performance was stunning from start to finish. there was perfection in every note that was sung, the footwork, the body movement, the facial expressions. most moving, in fact, were panditji's digressions on life in general. i was enraptured through the performance, wondering only what made this auditorium any less a place of worship than a temple when such perfection was to be witnessed live.

the vocal performances were as perfect. they first performed raga multani, followed by a short composition in multani and then a bhajan in raga gauri-manjari (composed originally by ustad ali akbar khan). (i am a transformed ardent lover of the komal rishabh.) the coordination between the brothers was phenomenal, and there could be no superior explanation than the existence of a divine connection that told each when/what to sing.

to say more about the concert would be a failed attempt to limit the boundless. i cannot possibly do justice; may it suffice to say that i was almost brought to tears as i witnessed the complete surrender of each of these performers toward the perfection of their art. thank you, spicmacay! may your cause prosper and outlive us all.

to the dentist!

some years ago, i was told that two of my wisdom teeth needed extraction. one india trip after another, i.e. one dentist visit to another, i was given the option to postpone the inevitable. the mere thought of extraction would make me shiver. this time though, it was time.

the first extraction was scheduled for 10 this morning. though i was dreading this appointment for days, i also used the chance to transform said dread (omitting details). when i awoke at 6.30 this morning, i was apprehending the experience already. meditated and showered early, after which dad said he would accompany for moral support :). i insisted it wasn't necessary, but when he said he could do with a check as well, i surrendered. ate a heavy breakfast (since i was plenty warned that eating would be a challenge after) and set out at 9.45.

the lobby saw more calmness within than prior dentist visits, surprisingly, as i read volume six. when the dentist finally called me in, my dad came along to say hi as well. was embarrassed ever so slightly. after all, at this age, i shouldn't need a parent escort to the dreaded chair :).

the conversation that ensued whence dad left the room was entirely pleasant. i listed out my (relevant) plans for the remaining portion of my visit, told her when i was likely to be around next, told her how my various teeth were doing, and how i'd like her to check on this tooth and that. entirely pleasant. she complimented me generously on my new short and curly look (stunned that she noted!), and asked how the phd was going. a first, but she asked about the book i'd brought in with me and i embarrassingly showed her the tattered library cover. she asked too if it was a textbook, though i'm not sure if that was before she saw the cover or after. (i suppose i could've answered in the affirmative, it certainly feels that way.)

i'll leave out the details regarding my root-canaled tooth (the same tooth that was painstakingly blogged about some months ago), but that process may finally be completed shortly. as for the extraction - it began with an almost painless set of pokes with the needle. i did ask if one injection was sufficient (it has not been in recent times), but was happy to defer to her expert judgment then on. after the area had numbed itself and she'd assured me there would be no torture (i promise i showed no sign of stress; i had already deified her in my faith), she asked me to open my mouth. what was mildly worrying was that her assistant was holding my head still, making me wonder how likely i was to throw it around in agony. but truly, the process was over even before it started. and before i knew it, she had placed a gentle wad of cotton in my mouth, and asked me to close. she showed me the tooth, which was way larger than expected. i was un-eager to take it home when she first offered, but it now sits safely in my pocket :).

and that was that. there was no need for a heavy breakfast, after all, because i was able to eat a fulfilling meal - no problem. i also got to eat a slab of vanilla ice cream (to allow the blood to clot), though i must admit i derived less pleasure from it than in days of yore when extractions were more common. now - there is barely-noticeable pain and overwhelming satisfaction :).

oh, also - i'd been under the impression that extractions required doses of antibiotics. have been cold/cough-ed out now for two weeks, and although the physician had suggested a dose of antibiotics a week ago, i resisted - anticipating a post-extraction prescription. perhaps all that bravery and resistance wasn't needed after all, but maybe i'm just a tad stronger as a result?

i have sung of dental woes so very many times that i felt a moral obligation to record this most-positive experience. if it makes just one of you the very least bit hopeful the next time you dread a visit to the dentist, my purpose will be more than served. i certainly cannot wait until my next piece of wisdom is extracted!

(ps: note double entendre in title of post.)

do i love cockroaches?

is a question a asked in a comment to my previous post. while i wouldn't say i'm especially desirous of their presence in my life, i've begun to reconsider my attitude towards non-human life, in general. buddha, it is said, was willing to sacrifice his life for animals, and that made me think about what makes us avoid animals and insects as we do? fear and desire for personal health and safety? perhaps that's where it begins, but it quickly translates by association, and we find ourselves conditioned into a web of dislikes/aversions, as in all other shades of life.

fear can be transformed. no questions there. patience is a necessity though. in recent months, i've started to look deeply at the conditioning i've undergone with regards to nature. not just animals, but also clouds/rain, sun/heat, insects such as flies, and indeed - cockroaches :). unlike the buddha, i cannot say i love all animal life. at least, not yet. if i found myself face to face with a lion, i am more likely than not to collapse with fear. but change can be slow and gentle, and this is where patience comes in. for now, i take pleasure in simply observing a fly walk over my hand without wishing it away, or in smilingly witnessing the roaches burst out of the medicine box at lightning speed, or in sharing the walkway with a dog right by me and not flinching within. for me, these little changes are very big, because of the big subtraction of fear and the big multiplication of love they have brought. and i may never reach a stage where i can fearlessly stand face to face with a lion - in this lifetime - but the potential to grow is still limitless. and chances of success, i am confident, will be many.

it grows on trees

just as we wish for bank accounts filled with money, i wish we wished for bank accounts filled with love. except that we wouldn't need banks and bank accounts anymore. if we ran out of space within, we could store our love wherever we wanted, let it overflow everywhere :) - in our garden, on the bus, in a smile on a friend's face, wherever. and we wouldn't need to worry about it not growing on trees, for love would - it does. the seed lies within us, after all. we need only water it - with our attention. and that isn't in finite supply, now is it?

the more i think about it, the more i'm of the view that all the troubles of the world can be solved by love. selfless love, to be clear. on a global scale, this would be hard to implement, but locally it's a lot easier. any feeling of unpleasantness can swiftly be replaced by one of love. if it is love that causes us pain (due to undue expectation, etc.), then more love is the answer :). the more selfless we can be in our love, the happier we will be. and no trouble in the world can hold a candle to the power of selfless love.

ramblings

today was swami vivekananda jayanti, but there was no mention of it in any newspaper but the hindi one, which had an article that spoke of the degeneration of indian culture today and little else. where's the nationalistic pride?

i have not seen slumdog millionaire, nor heard its songs. still, i was super-elated to hear that it won four golden globes. and to see anil kapoor at the award ceremony, which i watched only in parts - to see the awards s.m. won. nationalistic pride. here it is. (pray don't misread, i'm not very proud of this!)

my cough continues, and i do my best to oblige everyone who offers a miracle cure (one does not say no to love, no - not in india :). today, mom's friend suggested kasamrit (i can only spell it right in hindi, sorry) and we got a bottle. when mom opened the box the bottle was in, all of six cockroaches rushed out :). she called the chemist's shop, who blamed the manufacturers for the bugs. after much discussion (and amusing defenses on the shopkeeper's part), he agreed to send over a newer bottle. that he did, but who knows whether he didn't just remove the roaches first? :) regardless, it was an amusing incident. the bottle was sealed, so i'm sure the medicine is safe. mom's friend says indian infections should be dealt with the indian way. i suppose this is all part and parcel of it :).

the news on tv continues to be sensational. the golden globes, wipro under scrutiny now, and worst - pak raids at the loc. the newspapers never fail to disturb either. and the movies find it their responsibility to graphically convey the spirit of these news (yes, ghajini - i mean you). despondency prevails, yet what is one to do but pray - oh lord, thy will be done.

i'm almost done reading vol. 5 of the complete works of swami vivekananda. went to several book stores to look for these but could not find. they are out of print, i was told. the second library i visited had them, thankfully. in the last 11 years, they've been issued 8-9 times. should not sv be more popular here in india? although the works are online, reading off yellowed pages has a different appeal, 'tis true.

a had a brand new baby boy yesterday! unfortunately, i mustn't see him until my run of infections is completely over. i may have to wait a long time :(.

that was the news from this end of the world :). as for the weather, the cold has abated ever so slightly and the days are warm and sunny. hum hain rahi pyar ke, phir milenge, chalte chalte :).

2009

for years i have penned new verse to wish all loved ones a happy new year. not so this time. the new year came and went (though when the year is no longer officially 'new', i'm not so sure), and although i was keen to wish everyone i knew both near and far, i did a not-so-thorough job of it. 12 days late, i take this chance to send out new year wishes to the world, in earnest. no verse this time; no prose either. less is more, they say. and silence, after all, is everything.

an apology to hornets

sri ramana maharshi, the story goes, once climbed arunachala and stumbled into a hornets' nest, then being stung on the leg and thigh. he felt remorse for having disturbed the nest.

questioned thus - by muruganar (one of his foremost devotees):

Sighting an overgrown, green-leaved bush, and
When stepping on it and stung by hornets to have legs swollen,
Venkata, in truth, why was an accidental intrusion
Treated without mercy, just as a wanton transgression?

sri ramana maharshi responded:

When I was stung by hornets in revenge
Upon the leg until it was inflamed,
Although it was by chance I stepped upon
Their nest, constructed in a leafy bush;
What kind of mind is his if he does not
At least repent for doing such a wrong?

do read it over, and ponder for a while. i did, and felt its enormous impact.

more on giving

in time, i come to realize: we do no favors to anyone when we give. rather, we do no favors to anyone but ourselves. giving is a privilege, and that i am able to give - by any means, in any form, to any soul - i am blessed. i turn to gibran's treasure yet again:

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.

movie-watching

since (of late) my body has been enslaved by the micro-organisms playing truant within, i've been confined to movie-watching for entertainment (while i'm not reading). bollywood saw two big releases recently - rab ne bana di jodi (rnbdj) and ghajini. this week, i saw them both. ghajini was the first - and gosh, what a movie. while i liked memento much, ghajini didn't come close. so much gruesome violence, why was it necessary?! i did like asin (the actress), however. so talented and spontaneous.

rnbdj was more fun, minus srk's intermittent silliness. in fact, the message in the movie aligned itself directly with my reading of swami vivekananda from yesterday - that one truly loves when one is able to see the lord in the beloved. a cute message, yeah? i'm seeing the movie a second time now, as i write :).

the month of giving

january is the month of giving. i started this month, however, with not giving. we were in udaipur on the 1st, and after seeing the city palace, as we drove back, there was little time to see the jagdish temple as planned earlier. mom asked, however, if i was keen. i said yes, and so we stopped on the way so that i could alone rush in and rush out (the climb was steep and would have taken them some time, and we were trying not to miss our flight). i obliged, and ran up. as i removed my shoes, i found a 20-something year old looking after the shoe rack. i smiled at him, logged that i should save some change for him as i returned (although there was no purported charge for the safe-keeping), and rushed into the temple. of course, as i prayed, all was forgotten, and all the money i had was surrendered. when i went to retrieve my shoes, i saw him again, and realized i had completely forgotten to save anything for him :(. the temple was at such a height that it was not practical to go down and come back up to pay him. stuck, i was embarrassed to apologize (for it wasn't that i *had* to pay him, i just wanted to), but i was also embarrassed to not. finally, one side won over the other and i apologized to him saying i had given away all the money i was carrying. he responded with warmth saying it was no problem at all.

what could/should i have done different in the situation? ideally, i should have been more thoughtful, more mindful, less forgetful. but once the lapse had occurred, could i have acted differently? what are the lessons i could learn?

the incident left a mark on my mind, and i still wonder what it was about it. there was no guilt really, a happiness rather, that i had openly apologized for my thoughtlessness and that he had so graciously forgiven. that exchange had allowed for an ounce of love to be shared. and i realized, that these miniscule encounters with the strangers of the world can be dealt with two ways - one, we could think there is little need to consider our interaction with those we are unlikely to ever see again, and two, we could realize the interconnectedness of our existence (indeed the oneness) and that a little bit of love can go a long way. anyway, no points for guessing which group i belong to.

on un-planning

in another universe, perhaps, i might start the vipassana course today, but not in this one. while i'll leave out the details, vipassana will have to wait as far as this life is concerned :). and sometimes (always, rather), it feels good and meaningful to just keep oneself centered and at peace doing what one must do, unconcerned with but accepting of external forces.

the genesis of this thought process was recorded in this earlier post. and here it is laid to rest :).

intrigued

a few weeks ago, i had added an acquaintance x as a friend on facebook. x is a good friend of a good friend, so i supposed it made sense (especially since facebook asked me if i knew x). in a few weeks, one (me, especially) forgets, and i didn't think twice of the request... until today, at around 9.30pm - when i suddenly wondered if i had ever received confirmation of my friend request. that was it. the thought was a fleeting one - it came and went, and i went about my life getting ready to turn in. when at around 10 i checked my mail, i saw that x had accepted me as a friend half an hour ago. intriguing, yes? you know what i think of it, from the label i chose :).

udaipur

our trip to udaipur was beautiful and memorable. the rustic beauty of rajasthan is unparalleled, as one will find in any travel one undertakes toward the countryside. the honesty and humility of the people fill one's heart with happiness. i note here the high points of my trip.

day 1: the fog in delhi was thick and lovely, delaying our flight to udaipur by a few hours. when we finally arrived in udaipur, it was dark out. the airport at udaipur is newly built and looked very nice, and as we drove from the airport to the guest house, breathing the rajasthan air felt wonderful and soothing. our guest house was located just by the fatehsagar lake, and when we reached we were greeted with much sound and excitement in the form of a&a :). dinner was at jagmandir - an island in lake pichola that we took a boat ride to. the bill was steep for the ambience was stunning.

day 2: we went to ranakpur - a 3 hour drive - to see the jain temple there, easily one of the most beautiful and peaceful places on earth. the marble carvings are something else. we went on to see the kumbhalgarh fort. the wall around this fort is apparently the second-largest in the world, after the great wall of china(!). it was a hike up to the top and the views were spectacular. there was also a small but beautiful mata ka mandir on our way up (with a flame that had been burning 17 years). by the time we got back, it was dinner time. a long and tiring day, but most fulfilling. we saw camels, horses, and monkeys along our way through the aravallis. very rajasthan :).

day 3: we went to kailashpuri to see the eklingji temple, then headed to nagada to see the sahasrabahu temple (no longer a place of worship). the architecture was stunning in both places. lunch was at home after which n and i headed to udaipur 'downtown'. oh, the charm of a small town! since this was new year's eve, we had dinner at ambrai - a restaurant by lake pichola (it was outdoors and we did freeze, but it was well worth it). it was an evening to remember. and there was live classical music (the sarod, no less) to top it all.

day 4: n and co. left early in the morning, while we headed to the city palace. the palaces of rajasthan are an experience - for the architecture, the history, the culture. we returned to the guest house after making a short detour to see the jagdish temple. i spent a peaceful moment by the fatehsagar lake before we left for the airport, thinking about the beauty of rural rajasthan, and the apparent simplicity of life in the parts we saw of the countryside. that image of the lake i shall carry with me a long time.

this brief log doesn't do justice to the charm of the short, amazing trip, but it will have to do. pictures will be posted in due time, once i am done with the picking and choosing. adios, all. and yes, please do consider a trip to udaipur. you won't regret it!

old path white clouds

i finished reading tnh's old path white clouds yesterday, and what a read it was. tnh covers the buddha's life from beginning to end with great loving detail, and presents his lessons in inspiring and comprehensible form. although i did read it very slowly, and with much love and care, i cannot say more than a very small fraction has been retained. i do hope that the learning seeps into a place untouched by forgetfulness, magically somehow. the buddha's message of love and understanding, equality, and most importantly - non-self and impermanence have certainly touched a spot deep within. a book i recommend highly.

am back to reading swami vivekananda now. i don't believe a writer other than he and tnh has made so considerable an impact (on me, that is), really. words do no justice to the immense pleasure to be found in combining these two toward spiritual growth.