p.s.

i shall also compose a list of resolutions very soon. i propose that each one of you do the same, then we can compare notes ;).

at least this sets a reasonable deadline for me, phew.

as 2007 creeps in

i wish it wouldn't, but since it absolutely must, here's a message for all of you.

thank you, macro!

walking along this courtyard in aiims i saw a flower hanging from a tree, ever so delicately. my mind immediately rushed to find a camera, i had none :(. but i noted this - i would not have seen the flower, in its delicate beauty, had i not experimented with my new macro lens. so then a camera (or lens), indeed, brought me to better appreciate the beauty of nature. isn't that thought worth a million?

ultimately...

isn't everyone first a human being?

"determination." uff!

for all those of you looking for inspiration, here's some :).

just kidding. i chanced upon this photo unsuspectingly and laughed at how easy it is to glorify things sometimes. but then again, i guess, if everyone else thought of us as we think of ourselves, life would be very boring indeed. and very very unfair.

i'm happier this way. determination it is, nikhil!

:)


nb: including links in blog entries is an exciting phenomenon i only just learnt. give me a few more such posts and i'll be over it.

denial

this is not a monday. in fact, this is a wednesday. not only, it is a superior wednesday, with 4 days of holiday once friday arrives.

therefore, no monday blues. ha!

fall

here's fall on freefalling.

i find nothing more photographable than fall colors. i wasn't able to venture out far, but thought i'd at least capture a taste of fall this year. maybe i'll get another chance, but for today, i am suitably satisfied.

last year, when i was suddenly overcome by a sketching craze (it was over so soon it's not funny) , i decided i'd make a project on fall. just fall. a sketch, a portfolio of photos, and a poem. i'm yet to start on the first, and the last could hardly be much of an effort ;), but i'm glad my camera knows what fall looks like. if just a little teeny bit.

i want to be in maine next october when it's hit by fall. i want to see the orange in all its splendor. this is my dream every year that awaits fulfilment. i still remember when i first saw maple leaves, back on the 20th of october 1996, and what a magical experience that was. i don't think there's a side of nature that pleases me more.

anyway, so that's about me and fall.

hand in hand

i was bedridden all of last week for my back. yet it is a week i will revisit again and again in my thoughts. the pain, though intolerable then, could be lived through again if it meant reliving the love and care i have been subject to last week. i've never felt so well tended to, and i thought i always had friends i could boast to the skies of. i always thought i was capable of being a giving, caring friend, but am much humbled from what i have seen in these few days. i don't know if i could be so selfless, so large-hearted, and hold so little back. i do not wish for an opportunity to test myself, of course, but given that i've had the fortune to experience these things first-hand, i pray that i have the ability to give back (to these people and to others) when it's my turn.

happiness and pain go hand in hand, i guess. but i'm ok with that, for now.

more on caring

i've decided that there are different kinds of caring people. 3 is a good number to list. um, actually i'll granulate it further to 4 -

first, there are the people who don't care at all. there is little to be said about them. what can one say anyway?

second, the people who do believe it is better to care than to not, but cannot quite get themselves to. so they do a half-baked job of expressing concern, revealing their true tendencies from time to time. i appreciate the gesture though.

then there's the third kind - the "if you need anything, call me" kind. i like to have them around. if i need something, at least i have their word for it. so if i do call them when i need anything, they will (hopefully) not hate me for taking their time. but sometimes i'm not sure. the concern is often genuine, but it is always distant. i personally don't do so well with distant care-givers, some others might. i do however appreciate their presence in my life.

the kind that gladdens my heart through and through though, is the fourth kind. that i didn't know existed until not too long ago. these are the people who care more closely. they empathize, they just know what you need, when and where. they want to really be right there. to care unconditionally, want little in return. their satisfaction simply comes from knowing that they were able to help ease things for you in some small way, they do not crave appreciation and gratitude. pure, unadulterated, selfless giving is all they know. the way i see it - these are the people who run a thread in their head for you and serve it at frequent intervals. they never let you fall off their radar. i love this kind, my days are much brightened for it.

i am still alive

therefore i must be wonderwoman!

anti-depressants

i'm about to go on anti-depressants, don't worry.




just kiddddding! :))

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

i used to hear a lot of this while i was training for my marathon. i guess i need to convert lessons learnt in marathon training to lessons to be learnt in life. although ideally it should be the other way round, should it not?

on the same note, calvin's dad also comes to mind - what doesn't kill you builds character.

when someone asks me, next, what i've been up to, this will be my answer - working hard on becoming stronger and building character (and not dying in the process) :).

this tree

i do not have a window in my office, but my co-worker across the hallway does. when his door is open, i can look through his window out at this tree - that stands single and tall. it may sound cheesy, but every time i am tired at work, dejected from little failures, or low in general, i take a look out the window. and i am filled with varying emotions -

in the summer, the tree would be bathed in sunlight. telling me to keep on going, for there was that to look forward to - the sun, the cool breeze, the summer-ness that i love so dearly. and now in the winter, it tells me that i have company, in my hard and long hours at work. its plight is no better, after all, for it stands there alone, endlessly withstanding the cold, the wind.

maybe i will take a picture one day, with my 350d, for all of you to see for yourself. it is really a very special tree.

beauty and the beholder

i've been thinking more and more what an admirable skill it is to be able to appreciate the beauty in the world around us. in earlier days, when i was 'appreciated' for an act of kindness or friendship, i'd rejoice in the appreciation, 'modestly' refute, and think little else. now, for some reason, what strikes me much more is how some people can go so selflessly far in appreciating other things/people. it must take a special kind of heart to be able to give praise so generously, after all.

the moral? i will continue to do good so i can continue to be appreciated and thus find those special people hiding in the world around me. and good luck to you with the same.

what is it about the marathon

that made it so special?

i was just at the chicago marathon - a spectator to the 40,000 who were mad enough to run the 26.2 in almost-freezing weather. it was a special experience. perhaps most of all because it was a culmination of the hard work and pain that n & a had put in to get there. perhaps because i understood it and knew what they felt. perhaps simply because i cared...

it was lovely to see people finish - in agony, in ecstasy, in seeming indifference... it was even lovelier to see the crowds come and support these people through the race, most of all - to be reminded of how much it means to care and be cared for. yes, i think that, to me, was what made the marathon so special.

of course others are free to have other notions :).

happy diwali

i'd like to wish the world a happy diwali for the weekend. may the year ahead be more joyous and memorable than the last, yet not quite as much as the one to follow... so things are always getting better.

i will be in chicago this diwali. in the cold and the wind. watching people run, and thinking warm thoughts of you.

:)

symmetry

my favo(u)rite word today is "symmetry". all you people reading my blog, please post a comment on your favo(u)rite word today.

nb: if you are american, you may use the american spelling of the word, and if you are indian, you may use the indian spelling. all other nationalities - i welcome you to my blog, and you are welcome to use any spelling you prefer.

think warm thoughts: think sweaters

i think sweaters are marvellous presents to give. when people wear them, they think of you and feel warm at the same time. isn't that ingenious?

petty is the word

this morning, as i drove to work, i kept thinking of various situations that had caused me some trauma of late. not one thing in particular, but several random things. realized that most (if not all) fell neatly into the 'petty' category, more deserving of a silent burial than redundant revisiting.

there's always a bigger picture one can look at, no matter how bad things get. why then do we bother with the little things? quoting myself again...

http://koshered.blogspot.com/2006/06/here-today-gone-tomorrow.html

i guess i tend to think the same things from time to time :).

any ideas?

sometimes, and especially if you are the kind of person i am, you meet, observe or come across people who are very like you in very many ways. different ways, and many ways. but things don't really go any further (don't read too far into'further'). you know that if you were both 16 and had crossed paths with each other, you'd totally hit it off and become best friends. but now that you're older, more set in ways, in friends, and less inclined to take initiative to approach people and say "hey, will you be my friend?", you just smile from a distance and move on.

is there anything else you can do?

putting things in perspective

a friend in india was telling me about an encounter he just had with a person who works as a mechanic (i think). he makes Rs. 5,000 in a month, out of which he needs to send some home, and survive with the rest. this should help me put things in perspective he said (my friend, i.e.).

i do agree, that we spend a lot of time worrying about inane things when we should really be spending that time being grateful for all that we have. but is it possible to always think along those lines? and is it even a good thing? can we evaluate every situation in life by comparing it to less privileged lives? should we?

i know that it helps on a personal level, so that one doesn't think too much too long about times when one finds oneself in a difficult position. but somehow, comparing my life to someone's who is less privileged seems kinda wrong on some level, doesn't it?

on the weather

there was also the realization today that the bay area is fast turning into seattle. just thought i would make a note of that.

on bad habits

i realize (at this present moment) that the single bad habit i would absolutely like to do away with in my life (note: the one i'd like to do away with the most, i do not claim to have only one in general) is that of allowing food to go waste.

when i got back from the bead shop today, i was absolutely starving. hunger was driving me insane, and i had the most blinding of headaches. the first bite of food was utterly blissful (and god bless the soul who offered it to me), especially because i had the feeling that my teeth had forgotten how to chew. no kidding.

but i had only been foodless a few hours. and i did have a sumptuous meal to look forward to. (we know where this is going - ) what about those who are not so lucky?! to think that i can waste food with such ease when i choose to, while there are millions out there dying in worse ways than i was (dare i even mention their plight and my temporary condition in the same breath) daily.

it all seems very very wrong right now.

as i go to bed now, i shall pray for the strength to carry myself through this resolve. well, at the very least, do it some shred of justice.

@ the bead shop

i was at the bead shop today, from 6.30pm to 9.55pm, taking a class on 'floating spaces'. it was an interesting way to spend some money, but thanks to a/s/d/a/n i learnt how to make floating necklaces today :). thank you, dear friends!

if i feel up to it, i shall also (b)log the steps on making such necklaces and add a photo of the one i made.

adios!

saying good-bye to summer days (sob).

i can't believe summer is gone already. there are leaves on the ground, in plenty, and a chill in the air that's here to stay. i don't know when summer began anymore, it seems to have come and gone in no time...

what i really want to understand is why winter-time has such unwelcome feelings associated with it. why must winter days begin in utter depression? why must cold be so unliveable?

it would be a marathon effort to condition my mind to believe that winter days have as much to offer as any other. maybe that's what i should make my project from now on. for the next six months...

people, places

i just discovered my favourite movie scene, or set of scenes rather. was watching before sunrise, and at the end of the movie, before ethan hawke leaves vienna, he takes a bus through the city. one can see all the places that were shot at the previous evening, when he and julie delpy walked around vienna - the circus, the bridge, the alleys with the cobble stones, the park...

i have sometimes revisited places that meant a lot for the memories that i had of them. most of these places seem to be in bonn, germany. like the zentrum, kennedybrucke, most of all the rhine. if i went back, to the naked eye they would seem like just a market-place, just a bridge, just another river. but there are so many many images that i can imagine would flash past my eyes...

felt like writing a poem on the subject, then discovered i'd already written one, or almost. quoting.

people sometimes forget
but not the river
it remembers

like the trees
and the earth
beneath the grass
and fallen leaves

when we go back
they will know us
as we will know them

with sweet nostalgia
that comes
from treading back
to forgotten times
never truly forgotten

miles - and years -
separate us, perhaps
still every meeting
begins with an embrace
and ends with a tear

so is it with people
is it not?

for future nostalgia

what is it about the songs one listens to while driving in the night-time? i don't know, but they definitely have an effect on me. some of my lasting memories seem to be of songs listened to in the car...

anyway, today's song was 'fast car'. by tracy chapman. logging it lest i forget.

that song does magic, don't you think?

think before you say sorry

the title makes this post sound preachy, but it's not. well, not so intended anyway. yesterday just after cooking dinner for a friend, i apologized for there (possibly) being too much salt. he immediately looked up the poem below and made me read it. i'd like to think it has changed my life. maybe by putting it on this blog i can make myself read and learn from it more often, so here -

JUST KEEP QUIET AND NOBODY WILL NOTICE - Ogden Nash

There is one thing that ought to be taught in all the colleges,
Which is that people ought to be taught not to go around always making apologies.
I don't mean the kind of apologies people make when they run over you or borrow five dollars or step on your feet,
Because I think that is sort of sweet;
No, I object to one kind of apology alone,
Which is when people spend their time and yours apologizing for everything they own.
You go to their house for a meal,
And they apologize because the anchovies aren't caviar or the partridge is veal;
They apologize privately for the crudeness of the other guests,
And they apologize publicly for their wife's housekeeping or their husband's jests;
If they give you a book by Dickens they apologize because it isn't by Scott,
And if they take you to the teahter, the apologize for the acting and the dialogue and the plot;
They contain more milk of human kindness than the most capacious diary can,
But if you are from out of town they apologize for everything local and if you are a foreigner they apologize for everything American.
I dread these apologizers even as I am depicting them,
I shudder as I think of the hours that must be spend in contradicting them,
Because you are very rude if you let them emerge from an argument victorious,
And when they say something of theirs is awful, it is your duty to convince them politely that it is magnificent and glorious,
And what particularly bores me with them,
Is that half the time you have to politely contradict them when you rudely agree with them,
So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf,
Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves.

a deeper connection

i don't know how true it is, and scientific it is clearly not... but yesterday i was talking to a dear friend in india who i hadn't spoken to in a while. and he mentioned how he was suddenly reminded of me while he was busy at work, for no reason in particular, and that he had later seen a missed call from me at around the same time.

i love these coincidences, they're of the most special kind - when i'm thinking of someone and missing them and then, out of nowhere, get a call or an email from them.

of course there are many such occasions when i have thought of people and not heard from them, and then, not thought of people and heard from them. the former is simply normal, and the latter a pleasant surprise. but it is these special times that i crave the most. for they renew my belief that we are capable of developing connections at that deep a level. you know what i mean?

addendum to 'also'

and just in case you were thinking this blog is all about daily activities and the mundanities of life - - you don't know how wrong you are! there is a moral to every post. sometimes you might have to look a little deeper, that's all.

:)

canon e350d

i now have a new camera. it's a digital slr. one of those things i'd never dreamed i'd possess. i have to admit that i'm happy today for earning lots of money, for without it i'd never even have considered buying this camera. nor for that matter would i have bought a guitar i didn't know how to play. or books that i haven't and perhaps just won't read, like the one i bought yesterday - "iwoz" (autographed by the author himself).

i feel so guilty admitting this, but yes, it is good to earn money. because i guess there are some things that money alone can buy. and that sucks. life shouldn't be like that. after all, there is a god isn't there? if god thinks i deserve a canon e350d digital slr, he should simply drop it in my lap and not wait for me to have enough money in my bank account. no, really!

saturdays

there's no day like saturday. no, not even friday. and not sunday. there's nothing that compares to the feeling of having yet another day to the weekend, and to the feeling that a new weekend just started. saturday mornings are the best.

today was not a saturday, it was a monday. i've decided that from now on, i must find five to-dos to complete every day. it will make my day feel worthwhile. today i did the following - mail letter 1 to dmv, letter 2 to palo alto court, letter 3 to air india office and then called michael fredericson for a new referral, and called wells fargo to check on cheque.

there, so today was a productive day. and the plan is to make each day a productive day. but for saturdays. saturdays will be zero to-do days. saturdays will be saturdays. uff!

looking back

to yesterday. to see if i was a different person then...

nah :)

also

don't get me wrong, me (since i'm writing to myself). this blog isn't for nostalgia to find an opening and come gushing forth. it would just be nice to remember tomorrow who i was today, ad infinitum.

nostalgia is also allowed though, once in a while.

a fresh new beginning

tired of writing in verse alone. after all, people do use prose to communicate sometimes. and thoughts just as deep in fact, if depth is what i'm afraid to lose. as if all my poems ooze depth anyway.

so this. so i can remember. stuff. like memento - is how i like to think about it. if you're anyone but me reading this post, know that it was written not for you, but for me. but you may read it, if you would so like.

in school, i would love the feel of a fresh new notebook. newly covered. ready to be filled in. the first page was always empty though. for saraswati i think. any writing on the first page will always seem wrong.

i feel the joy one feels on newly found freedom. it's nice to know that i can come back anytime and it will still be there. ha.