ultimately...

isn't everyone first a human being?

"determination." uff!

for all those of you looking for inspiration, here's some :).

just kidding. i chanced upon this photo unsuspectingly and laughed at how easy it is to glorify things sometimes. but then again, i guess, if everyone else thought of us as we think of ourselves, life would be very boring indeed. and very very unfair.

i'm happier this way. determination it is, nikhil!

:)


nb: including links in blog entries is an exciting phenomenon i only just learnt. give me a few more such posts and i'll be over it.

denial

this is not a monday. in fact, this is a wednesday. not only, it is a superior wednesday, with 4 days of holiday once friday arrives.

therefore, no monday blues. ha!

fall

here's fall on freefalling.

i find nothing more photographable than fall colors. i wasn't able to venture out far, but thought i'd at least capture a taste of fall this year. maybe i'll get another chance, but for today, i am suitably satisfied.

last year, when i was suddenly overcome by a sketching craze (it was over so soon it's not funny) , i decided i'd make a project on fall. just fall. a sketch, a portfolio of photos, and a poem. i'm yet to start on the first, and the last could hardly be much of an effort ;), but i'm glad my camera knows what fall looks like. if just a little teeny bit.

i want to be in maine next october when it's hit by fall. i want to see the orange in all its splendor. this is my dream every year that awaits fulfilment. i still remember when i first saw maple leaves, back on the 20th of october 1996, and what a magical experience that was. i don't think there's a side of nature that pleases me more.

anyway, so that's about me and fall.

hand in hand

i was bedridden all of last week for my back. yet it is a week i will revisit again and again in my thoughts. the pain, though intolerable then, could be lived through again if it meant reliving the love and care i have been subject to last week. i've never felt so well tended to, and i thought i always had friends i could boast to the skies of. i always thought i was capable of being a giving, caring friend, but am much humbled from what i have seen in these few days. i don't know if i could be so selfless, so large-hearted, and hold so little back. i do not wish for an opportunity to test myself, of course, but given that i've had the fortune to experience these things first-hand, i pray that i have the ability to give back (to these people and to others) when it's my turn.

happiness and pain go hand in hand, i guess. but i'm ok with that, for now.

more on caring

i've decided that there are different kinds of caring people. 3 is a good number to list. um, actually i'll granulate it further to 4 -

first, there are the people who don't care at all. there is little to be said about them. what can one say anyway?

second, the people who do believe it is better to care than to not, but cannot quite get themselves to. so they do a half-baked job of expressing concern, revealing their true tendencies from time to time. i appreciate the gesture though.

then there's the third kind - the "if you need anything, call me" kind. i like to have them around. if i need something, at least i have their word for it. so if i do call them when i need anything, they will (hopefully) not hate me for taking their time. but sometimes i'm not sure. the concern is often genuine, but it is always distant. i personally don't do so well with distant care-givers, some others might. i do however appreciate their presence in my life.

the kind that gladdens my heart through and through though, is the fourth kind. that i didn't know existed until not too long ago. these are the people who care more closely. they empathize, they just know what you need, when and where. they want to really be right there. to care unconditionally, want little in return. their satisfaction simply comes from knowing that they were able to help ease things for you in some small way, they do not crave appreciation and gratitude. pure, unadulterated, selfless giving is all they know. the way i see it - these are the people who run a thread in their head for you and serve it at frequent intervals. they never let you fall off their radar. i love this kind, my days are much brightened for it.

i am still alive

therefore i must be wonderwoman!

anti-depressants

i'm about to go on anti-depressants, don't worry.




just kiddddding! :))

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

i used to hear a lot of this while i was training for my marathon. i guess i need to convert lessons learnt in marathon training to lessons to be learnt in life. although ideally it should be the other way round, should it not?

on the same note, calvin's dad also comes to mind - what doesn't kill you builds character.

when someone asks me, next, what i've been up to, this will be my answer - working hard on becoming stronger and building character (and not dying in the process) :).

this tree

i do not have a window in my office, but my co-worker across the hallway does. when his door is open, i can look through his window out at this tree - that stands single and tall. it may sound cheesy, but every time i am tired at work, dejected from little failures, or low in general, i take a look out the window. and i am filled with varying emotions -

in the summer, the tree would be bathed in sunlight. telling me to keep on going, for there was that to look forward to - the sun, the cool breeze, the summer-ness that i love so dearly. and now in the winter, it tells me that i have company, in my hard and long hours at work. its plight is no better, after all, for it stands there alone, endlessly withstanding the cold, the wind.

maybe i will take a picture one day, with my 350d, for all of you to see for yourself. it is really a very special tree.

beauty and the beholder

i've been thinking more and more what an admirable skill it is to be able to appreciate the beauty in the world around us. in earlier days, when i was 'appreciated' for an act of kindness or friendship, i'd rejoice in the appreciation, 'modestly' refute, and think little else. now, for some reason, what strikes me much more is how some people can go so selflessly far in appreciating other things/people. it must take a special kind of heart to be able to give praise so generously, after all.

the moral? i will continue to do good so i can continue to be appreciated and thus find those special people hiding in the world around me. and good luck to you with the same.

what is it about the marathon

that made it so special?

i was just at the chicago marathon - a spectator to the 40,000 who were mad enough to run the 26.2 in almost-freezing weather. it was a special experience. perhaps most of all because it was a culmination of the hard work and pain that n & a had put in to get there. perhaps because i understood it and knew what they felt. perhaps simply because i cared...

it was lovely to see people finish - in agony, in ecstasy, in seeming indifference... it was even lovelier to see the crowds come and support these people through the race, most of all - to be reminded of how much it means to care and be cared for. yes, i think that, to me, was what made the marathon so special.

of course others are free to have other notions :).

happy diwali

i'd like to wish the world a happy diwali for the weekend. may the year ahead be more joyous and memorable than the last, yet not quite as much as the one to follow... so things are always getting better.

i will be in chicago this diwali. in the cold and the wind. watching people run, and thinking warm thoughts of you.

:)

symmetry

my favo(u)rite word today is "symmetry". all you people reading my blog, please post a comment on your favo(u)rite word today.

nb: if you are american, you may use the american spelling of the word, and if you are indian, you may use the indian spelling. all other nationalities - i welcome you to my blog, and you are welcome to use any spelling you prefer.

think warm thoughts: think sweaters

i think sweaters are marvellous presents to give. when people wear them, they think of you and feel warm at the same time. isn't that ingenious?

petty is the word

this morning, as i drove to work, i kept thinking of various situations that had caused me some trauma of late. not one thing in particular, but several random things. realized that most (if not all) fell neatly into the 'petty' category, more deserving of a silent burial than redundant revisiting.

there's always a bigger picture one can look at, no matter how bad things get. why then do we bother with the little things? quoting myself again...

http://koshered.blogspot.com/2006/06/here-today-gone-tomorrow.html

i guess i tend to think the same things from time to time :).

any ideas?

sometimes, and especially if you are the kind of person i am, you meet, observe or come across people who are very like you in very many ways. different ways, and many ways. but things don't really go any further (don't read too far into'further'). you know that if you were both 16 and had crossed paths with each other, you'd totally hit it off and become best friends. but now that you're older, more set in ways, in friends, and less inclined to take initiative to approach people and say "hey, will you be my friend?", you just smile from a distance and move on.

is there anything else you can do?

putting things in perspective

a friend in india was telling me about an encounter he just had with a person who works as a mechanic (i think). he makes Rs. 5,000 in a month, out of which he needs to send some home, and survive with the rest. this should help me put things in perspective he said (my friend, i.e.).

i do agree, that we spend a lot of time worrying about inane things when we should really be spending that time being grateful for all that we have. but is it possible to always think along those lines? and is it even a good thing? can we evaluate every situation in life by comparing it to less privileged lives? should we?

i know that it helps on a personal level, so that one doesn't think too much too long about times when one finds oneself in a difficult position. but somehow, comparing my life to someone's who is less privileged seems kinda wrong on some level, doesn't it?

on the weather

there was also the realization today that the bay area is fast turning into seattle. just thought i would make a note of that.

on bad habits

i realize (at this present moment) that the single bad habit i would absolutely like to do away with in my life (note: the one i'd like to do away with the most, i do not claim to have only one in general) is that of allowing food to go waste.

when i got back from the bead shop today, i was absolutely starving. hunger was driving me insane, and i had the most blinding of headaches. the first bite of food was utterly blissful (and god bless the soul who offered it to me), especially because i had the feeling that my teeth had forgotten how to chew. no kidding.

but i had only been foodless a few hours. and i did have a sumptuous meal to look forward to. (we know where this is going - ) what about those who are not so lucky?! to think that i can waste food with such ease when i choose to, while there are millions out there dying in worse ways than i was (dare i even mention their plight and my temporary condition in the same breath) daily.

it all seems very very wrong right now.

as i go to bed now, i shall pray for the strength to carry myself through this resolve. well, at the very least, do it some shred of justice.