On Sievings

Dear Sievings,

I've loved having you around, and you've been a friend indeed. However, I've been feeling a tension of sorts lately, a need to branch out. Where to, I do not know. Why, too, I do not know. I do want you to be around still, as a sweet remembrance. You have taught me much that I thank you for. I now feel an itch to don a new hat, though. One of these days, it will be time.

But I could never forget you. The seeds that you have planted will continue to grow and bear fruit. There can be no doubt about that.

Love,

8&20

like food like us

i find the exercise of reading the blogs of others entirely fascinating. fascinating, because there is always something to identify with, connect with. and this is merely an affirmation of the many things we share in common even with strangers we have not met. we are all fundamentally the same, are we not? it is like the food that is all the same, though the preparations vary from person to person, generating a unique flavor each time.

ok, i'm going to switch to being fascinated about ngo's in india and information sharing among them, now. shh! don't disturb.

food for thought

as i fasted today, i feasted on this thought: will the frequency with which i write begin to wane, and when? i feel that i am headed to a place where the karma of writing will soon (and somehow) be resolved. there will be no more (new) thoughts to articulate and contribute, indeed no more to resolve. words will come from outside, and find their way through. nothing, i pray, will be generated from within.

on worry-free expression

i made a decision last wednesday when i spent some time thinking about singing, and how i was always too conscious, too uncomfortable, too afraid to sing before people. i know i'm not an excellent singer, but it's not about that - it's not about how well or not well i sing. it's about attaching myself to the fruit of my action, or not. it's about recognizing the root cause of fear and uprooting it, or not. it's really about recognizing that what's critical is to sing one's best and from one's heart. that as much as possible, may the best note and the best inspiration win. there the story ends.

my decision therefore was to never again fuss about singing, but to try to oblige to the best of my ability, no matter who asked. surprising indeed that as soon as i made this decision, i was tested four times in four days!

it is indeed liberating to not have to worry about 'what people think'. not to say that it isn't important for us to keep in mind what they will think, but that it is beyond our circle of influence to control what they will think. the best we can do is to be sensitive and thoughtful, act according to our dharma, and pray that it will not offend, without attaching worry to the same. remember hafiz's poem on purity?

and the same applies to my other art pursuits - photography and writing. i find that i no longer worry about how people react to my photos, to my posts. there is no great desire to impress, therefore there is no great fear of not impressing. there is, however, a great comfort that comes from honest expression, and a great desire to do justice within. but the latter falls in my circle of influence, and all is well with the world.

the moral, i think, is to scrutinize with a microscope the fears that lurk inside and to transform them by first identifying their root cause.

why do i blog?

i expect i've answered this question on occasions past, but times change and we do too. i attempt to answer it again, so i may offer a more up-to-date response (indeed, for you and myself). here's what i had to say when my dear friend d, a veritable believer of the socratic method as i know him (have you also noticed the prevalence of 'veritable' in my writing of late?), asked me why i blogged:

1. the written medium works best for me. it allows me to cogitate better. in that time and space that words find their way out of my head, through my fingertips, and onto the keyboard, crystallization happens.
2. my blog transitioned from a monolog into a dialog somewhere along the way. the most meaningful moments for me and my blog have been in the comments section, and i'm so very grateful for these exchanges. they speed up my growth by a factor of 7.
3. every thought that inspires me finds its way here. that's not quite true, or humanly possible for sure, but most do. for me then, this blog serves as a handy reference to be accessed, whereby i can read and cogitate over these thoughts iteratively. indeed, i have read some posts about 72 times over to have them settle down in the deepest parts of me.
4. across time, this blog serves as a tool to track personal growth as well. if i read over some of my posts from years ago, i find a different person altogether. even in posts from the past 6 months, the evolution has been immense (as i see it).

these were the reasons i'd offered d extemporaneously. later that day, after i'd had more time to think, i realized there were more. these i offered a and they were far more critical.

1. i wish to hone my writing so that it is no longer a conscious exercise. my goal is to reach a stage where the words will pass through - from the inner self to my fingertips without needing a filter at all. i want writing to be so spontaneous that i will no longer have need to ask, ever, "is it true/kind/necessary?" so that it is always true and kind (and mostly necessary).
2. related to the point above, though subtly different (and perhaps further penetrating) - i wish to lead a life that has no qualms with being opened to the world. this is really a need to be honest, so honest that there is never a fear of too much (or overly open) expression. to be clear, this need not require my life to be an open book, but should it be an open book, may it not highlight anything i am embarrassed to highlight. no anger, no greed, no jealousy, only love.
   
3. and here i save the best for last: i have lived through the extreme joys of finding that a reading sets off a spark of a thought process within that unveils a precious understanding. these sparks are those that veritably lead to growth. these sparks, i would argue in fact, are perhaps the only facilitators for growth. and so i wish to share - share as many sources of sparks with you, gentle reader, so that you too may serendipitously experience that joy of understanding. if there is one thought i could offer to you, that would bring joy, love, clarity, or understanding to your life, then believe me, the hundreds of hours i've spent on this blog will have been indubitably worth it.