the power of writing

i am grateful, also, for the exercise of writing and of publishing. if not for it, wise words of great beings would have been lost to us forever. and the thought is moving - that one contemplative soul wrote down his thoughts on paper about a hundred years ago, and today i read his words and find them a source of an incredible strength and sense of purpose.

proof enough?

"to gain by giving away"

Thus in order to be fully conscious of the reality of all, one has to be free himself from the bonds of personal desires. This discipline we have to go through to prepare ourselves for our social duties - for sharing the burdens of our fellow-beings. Every endeavour to attain a larger life requires of man "to gain by giving away, and not to be greedy." And thus to expand gradually the consciousness of one's unity with all is the striving of humanity.

- Tagore, in Sadhana

there was a time

when, if i looked at the table of contents and found the following -

I. THE RELATION OF THE INDIVIDUAL TO THE UNIVERSE II. SOUL CONSCIOUSNESS III. THE PROBLEM OF EVIL IV. THE PROBLEM OF SELF V. REALISATION IN LOVE VI. REALISATION IN ACTION VII. THE REALISATION OF BEAUTY VIII. THE REALISATION OF THE INFINITE

i'd have wanted to shut the book and never read it again. it would have seemed way out of my league, beyond my understanding, and certainly outside of my interest.

but things are different now. the book is sadhana, by rabindranath tagore, and it has opened my eyes to a world i didn't know existed. no, let me put it differently - to a universe i knew about in some vagueness, but the pieces had never fit as beautifully, as cohesively. i read it a week ago and loved it. today, i read it again. and each time i read a segment of it, it introduces me to a whole new meaning i had failed to grasp previously.

i am grateful for/to this book.

e.g.

the iced coffee at brewed tastes pretty bad :), but i'd never have known till i tried it.

also, if i try it enough times, i bet i'll start to love it.

walled in

another thought came to mind, as i drove today. i feel that we often construct mental walls around us, sometimes with justification, sometimes without, but always unhealthily. these walls are made up of fears and dislikes, insecurities, etc. for each dislike we engender, we build in our mind a new wall. for everything we choose to look down upon, to disapprove of, we build a new wall. slowly, steadily, we find ourselves walled in. we leave ourselves very little space to move, and in that little space, we suffocate ourselves, until 1. we take the time to introspect, dig deeper, to slowly deconstruct these walls, or 2. outside forces break them down. the latter is more unfortunate, more painful, but if we chose to, we'd see it as a blessing. the hard work is done for us, in a big way. all we need to do is learn to breathe again, in the open space, without those walls.

it's worthwhile to remember though, that not all the walls may have fallen. and once we learn to cope with those that have, perhaps we could take the cue and try to break the other walls down on our own?

it's not easy

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." - Charles DuBois

this quote was just posted as a comment by a gentle reader :). it summarizes beautifully my thought process as i drove today to san jose and back, then walked up to south hall; my daily dose of thinking was quintupled, and to good purpose. the same thought plagued me over and over - when it is clear what the right thing to do is (and sometimes it isn't, but when it is), what keeps us from doing it? the answer, as c and i agreed: it's not always easy. but there are so many occasions when we find ourselves doing the harder thing, no? i mean, we train for marathons. they're not easy, but we run them - because we realize we're doing ourselves a favor. it may not be easy to keep ourselves from eating that extra brownie, but we do it - because we know that restraint is good for us. and sometimes, even going to class is not easy, but we do it for the gain of knowledge. we even go through years of being in a difficult job, because (for some reason or other) we decide it is teaching us something. so - different tasks vary in difficulty rating - but we are the better for doing them, and so we must. yep, it's really as simple as that.

the unbearable lightness of being

today, it was time to get a hair-cut. in recent days, my hair had grown so long and hard to manage, this was the only way out. i'd thought i'd go last saturday, then sunday, and finally settled on wednesday since it's my freeest day. after finishing class, i walked to panache. alas, it wasn't there. the place i'd get my hair cut eons ago no longer existed. i was heart-broken, but realized that some things do change, and there's naught one can do about it... i walked, then, back home, and stopped by studio 19 on the way. this was not a very fancy place, certainly the hair-cut came a lot cheaper. but i'm a student now, and cheap hair-cuts are good :). the lady was kind, and cut my hair like i wanted it, in spite of her own affinity for my hair (and therefore, for keeping it long). as soon as i left the salon, i could feel the lightness of being. as though a weight had been lifted off my head (and indeed it had, quite literally). i no longer need the assistance of hairclips and rubber-bands. i feel free as a bird. yep.

midterm time!

in 5 days, i will be taking my first midterm (rather, my first exam) in a long, long time. a lot rests on this exam, because - as it happens - i am only taking the class until the middle of the term. but the feeling of "having to study" for a midterm is so alien to me now. i mean, going through lecture notes 1 through 14, one by one. is that not a strange exercise? all so that i can answer the questions on this exam well. strange feeling, know what i mean? i'd like to ask god to help me do well, but i suppose it's up to me to prepare for this test first.

to be honest, though, i'd much rather be given these tests than some others!

open/close dilemma

sometimes, in life, things are easier when we close our minds to certain options, and work within those artificial constraints. it gives our life better direction when we do so, and sometimes makes certain adjustment processes easier. but, and here's the problem - that kind of closed-ness is an obstacle for the course of spiritual development. in general, any time we close ourselves to possibilities, i think that we limit a dimension of personal growth.

so, despite the hardness of it, we should continually check ourselves when we find that we're closing ourselves to options, or closing options to ourselves. the world can only be assimilated when we become one with it - with all of it. and so it is incumbent upon us to keep our minds open - at all times, all places. it can only do us good, in the long run.

on horoscopes and astrology

for as long as i can remember, i've been skeptical about astrology and horoscopes. yet, sometimes, they seem to know things one wonders about. the way i make sense of this now is this - astrology can merely detect the forces of energy (positive and negative) acting on our lives. it does not decide our future, but may indicate times of difficulty and the nature of hurdles. and then it is up to each of us - do we act with strength and pursuit and defeat these forces? or do we succumb to these forces and let them consume us? it is a choice each one of us has. and the strength to pull ourselves forth alongwith the choice is with us too. the question then becomes - which direction is our spiritual journey meant to proceed in? the answer lies within, if we only pursue it with strength of purpose.

learning to see...

I am learning to see. I don't know why it is, but everything penetrates more deeply into me and does not stop at the place where until now it always used to finish. I have an inner self of which I was ignorant. Everything goes thither now, what happens there I do not know.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

yesterday

as i was talking to a friend, he mentioned another friend p who would pray fervently that god send his way circumstances that would test him. the rest of the conversation was entirely memorable, but i'll let that remain private. for now, i dwell on this prayer.

i am fascinated because i could never dream to pray thus. in my heart of hearts, i do not wish to be tested. while that may directly translate to my not wanting to grow, i'd rather humor myself by believing that there are other ways in which i may grow. and yet, i acknowledge that no one can truly grow from others' tests as they grow from their own. but what remarkable strength it takes for one to be so, does it not? why are most of us so far from strength of that kind? what makes us so resistant to recognizing our own avenues for growth?

and if i may,

i feel i should add these in, specifically, since my thoughts find expression in these great words (again, of thich nhat hanh):

Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every one of these precepts perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words can replace practice, only practice can make the words.

"The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon."

and another thing...

...that came up in conversation was the question of setting ideals for oneself. the question was - what is the point of setting ideals if a year later you are likely to change them? well, the goal of detachment, or rather - non-attachment, comes with an essential corollary - one must not be attached to thoughts or views either. no matter how wise we may be at present, we will never be infinitely so. and no matter how much we know, if we keep our minds open, we will find that there is more to know every passing second. indeed, this is true - because we have lived one second longer and experienced something that we now know we have experienced. the more we experience that single second, i.e. by really immersing ourselves in it, the more we know; the more we grow. the more we grow, the more we evolve, and the more we change....

so yes, we must constantly make an effort to expand our knowledge of ourselves, others, and the world. we must incessantly aim for greater wisdom. and with that knowledge and wisdom, if we introspect deeply enough, we will find our views evolving, perhaps even changing polarities, some of the time, if not all of the time. the ideal of detachment certainly includes this very essential aspect.

one of thich nhat hanh's 14 precepts:

Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout our entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.

the other 13 are here.

on passion

in conversation with a friend today, i was asked if my goal of detachment involved a desire to not feel passion. but passion was not something i had pondered over enough yet, so i hesitated to use the word and make any unintrospected claims. in a subsequent effort to make sense of it, i see it merely as a surge of energy toward a particular purpose. that purpose could be a cause, could be work, could be a person, could be a dream... just as we must (well, i feel that i must, at least) aim to channel our various energies in constructive and meaningful ways, so is it with passion. we may be passionate about a cause that is destructive... if so, may we acquire the strength to veer ourselves from it and channel that energy elsewhere and more positively. on the other hand, if we do ascertain a cause that we could constructively aim to work towards, then may we be so strong as to channel our energies such that we feel passionately towards this cause.

passion, like all other 'good' and 'evil', is good and desirable when it is for a constructive, positive cause. undesirable, otherwise.

lying in bed...

...the world feels so different. this morning, when i woke up after only a few hours of sleep, i thought of all kinds of ways to make up for this lost sleep during the day. could i come back after my field visit and take a nap before the workshop? after the workshop? should i change the rest of my plans for the day? etc. i could only barely lift myself off the bed.

half an hour later, the world looks drastically different. it's a beautiful refreshing morning, am longing to leave the house, and look forward to learning a lot today, for this day has several new experiences in store for me.

it's all about the lens one uses, right? the in-bed lens and the half-hour-waking-point lens. and that makes all the difference (ref: stopping by woods...).

more about giving

luckily this is post-midnight :).

i have a question on the subject of giving... and hopefully someone can help me here. giving of oneself, while it may be good for us, may not be good for another - correct? therefore, even if i give of myself selflessly and detachedly, what if that giving is not constructive for the receiver? what if the receiver is at greater comfort not receiving? then is the giver "wrong" or the receiver "wrong"? and yes, there is no right nor wrong really, hence the quotes :).

e.g. 1: when student x shows his answers to student y in an exam, x "gives" to y. is this the best action for x? clearly not. how does this contradict this theory of giving?

e.g. 2: when person x gives alms to beggar y, does x do the right thing? why or why not?

e.g. 3: when person x chooses to give of himself to person y in love but y wishes not to receive. how does this contradict/align with the theory?

further, if doing one's duty involves not being concerned with the result of our actions, then how does one even begin to factor the receiver into the situation?

i will go to bed now, with the hope that the answers shall come to me in the morning :).
good night, world!

in truth...

it is only in giving that we receive.

and let that be the final post for the day :).

like a mother tends to a child

i was reading the teachings of thich nhat hanh, and the section on "caring for our pain" made an impact on me in particular. as you will hopefully see, these thoughts apply to varied states of mind, varied negative energies. here, i share it with you:

So every time you have an energy that needs to be transformed, like jealousy or fear, do something to care for this energy, for this negative energy, if you do not want this energy to destroy you. Touch the seed of mindfulness, and then all of its energy will be able to establish itself in your "living room", like a mother tenderly embracing your pain. ...

When the mother hears her baby crying, she puts down whatever she has in her hands, she goes into its room, and takes the baby in her arms. The moment the baby is lifted into the mother's arms, the energy of wisdom already begins to penetrate into the baby's body. The mother does not know yet what is the matter with the baby, but the fact that she has it in her arms already gives her child some relief. The baby stops crying. Then the mother continues to offer it the energy of tenderness, and during this time the mother practices deep looking [explained earlier in the book: looking with care, attention, mindfulness]. A mother is a very talented person. She only needs two or three minutes to figure out what is the matter with her baby. Maybe its diapers are a little bit too tight; maybe the baby has a touch of fever; maybe it needs a bottle? Then when the understanding comes, the mother can transform the situation immediately.

It is the same thing with meditation. When you have pain within you, the first thing to do is to bring the energy of mindfulness to embrace the pain. "I know that you are there, little anger, my old friend. Breathe - I am taking care of you now."

even the mother that he speaks of - although she may be talented - has only learned through training. would she have known these things before she was a mother? so perhaps this is a habit that - with some effort - we could inculcate in our daily lives? what is important is to be mindful and caring towards ourselves (and this ties in with the patience-towards-the-self that i discussed earlier today).

think, for instance, of checking mail. when a mail comes in, unless i am absolutely occupied, i know i will check to see whose mail it is and what it says. if it requires an urgent response, i will also respond right away. if that mindfulness, the desire and ability to attend to a cause is present, is there any reason that we should not be able to lovingly deal with our inner weaknesses? they are our weaknesses after all - and have likely been as long a part of us as we have the memory to know. perhaps if we do inculcate the habit of lovingly tending to them, our energies will be focused positively and 'good' will win over 'evil'? it's something to think about, and not that difficult, nor abstract, to practise. no?

walking to school

when i first moved to berkeley - no - when i moved to berkeley for the second time recently, i was mildly afraid of walking to and from school. after all, the resort-like atmosphere of stanford had gotten me accustomed to a leisurely walk across beautifully manicured lawns and streets. not to put down stanford's beauty, because i still love it as much :), but walking to school these days has a different kind of richness to it. meditative, but in a different fashion.

there are all kinds of people one sees on the street. last friday, i saw a man walking in front of me pretending to shoot a basketball through the hoop. there was no hoop, there was no ball, but as he walked, he repeated this gesture several times. what was the psychology that led him to do so? who was the person, what was his past like? i wondered, but i had no answers - naturally.

today as i walked past lower sproul, i saw a homeless guy lying asleep on a bench. he had a backpack with him, and a book with "lenin" written on it was lying half-open over the backpack. i wondered how that person came to be where he was. how does intellectual curiosity not die when a person has no home to live in the comfort of? is that not inspiring?

every day, there are new people to see, to walk across. life is renewing itself every day, ever offering potential for self-exploration and further thought.

for being able to walk these streets to and from school every day, i am grateful :).

on loving

as i was just discussing with n, i believe sincerely that we mustn't love 'people', we must love the goodness in them. if we love goodness, we will love all people - because everyone has a shade of goodness to them, and everyone has potential for considerable good. indeed, there are no bad people, though some of us may need to work harder on getting our goodness to reflect outward. if we love this goodness, not only do we keep our spirit aligned with good, but we can better follow our dharma, in that we are better equipped to embrace the good and shun the evil (nb: my opinion of good and evil is in line with the post of a few days ago).

dof

it excites me no end to invent analogies that attempt to synchronize photography with life :).

in essence, we are all born with a very shallow depth of field. everything beyond what is immediately before us is blurry, unfocused. with a fixed focal length, there is little we can do except walk ahead. and when we do walk ahead, there is a little more that we can see. and only then do we realize that what we could make little out of just a step ago, we see with much more clarity now. and oh, it is beautiful!

the photo that currently serves as the header for my blog catalyzed this thinking process. on the extreme right, you can see the leaves that are oh, so sharply in focus. as you go leftward in the photo, you see less and less focus. indeed it would have taken me only a few steps to see them in focus. and yes, i know i would have been enraptured by their beauty.

now how to extend this analogy further, i'm uncertain :). should i stick with the fixed focus, or could it be made variable? well, first, we could go about understanding that our depth of field is indeed shallow to begin with. can we train ourselves to take those steps from where we are, so that we can learn to see beyond the immediate? can we try to change our fixed focal length? i don't know. perhaps. i'd like us to start with the confidence, however, that there is beauty beyond what we see in our immediate distance. all it takes a few steps. and those are only a matter of time.

the truth that binds us all

(although i'm trying to keep from blogging today) the thought just occurred to me that we, as humans, have little trouble connecting with other humans. imagine the extreme scenario where we're stuck on an island with one other person - would we not soon become best friends? would we not find a connection between us? and really, it is only a matter of space and time....

what i mean is - if we imagine that in some space or time (especially the future that we know nothing of) we can imagine ourselves in connection with another human - any other human, no less, does that not speak great volumes of the deep connection that we all share with each other? does this realization, this potential truth, not then naturally aid us in building more compassion, more empathy towards each other? and in fact, with one and all?

for those of us who need it, i think this might give the additional incentive to be kind and just to one and all. to treat with love everyone who we know and do not know. it could only do us good.

no?

on patience

as i lay in bed awake, early this morning, i had this post completely written out in my head. now i try to recreate it to the extent possible.

if virtues could somehow be ranked in an order of preference, i think patience would come somewhere close to the top, if not the very top. in fact, coming closer to becoming patient helps us acquire several other virtues that we may otherwise have trouble incorporating in our lives. so how do we go about becoming more patient?

well, we could start with our own lives. the more patient we are with ourselves, the more we allow ourselves to grow - in myriad ways. our conscience becomes clearer, we become less agitated, less desperate to make a difference. we understand our shortcomings better and learn to work with them. we do not strive for impossible changes in short periods of time, because when we are patient, we do not rush time. thus, we become more honest with ourselves, more understanding and loving, and forgiving with ourselves. this is not, of course, to say that we are excessively lenient with our faults. rather, we try to work at them as a parent must work with a child. with patience.

once we are patient with ourselves, i feel that patience will automatically extend to being patient with other people. but if not, it can be a focused effort in itself. just as we have our shortcomings, others have theirs too. not to say that we are not all always trying to become better people. but this process takes time. we must give others this time. no matter how much we may want our child to talk to us on day one of being born, it doesn't because it cannot. somehow that inability is easier for us to understand than the inabilities of other adults. somehow we are more forgiving of it, fundamentally, but that's not ideal. instead of keeping expectations from other people to behave in a particular manner, and feeling impatient when they don't, we should allow them their time to do, to grow, to know. it is always preferable to give them the benefit of doubt than to not. doesn't everything have a reason? well, they probably do too. if we are more patient with others, we embody kindness, forgiveness and understanding. they too become more inclined to being more honest and sincere. it is an upwards spiral, no doubt.

finally, it is perhaps most important to exercise patience with life - that which is outside the control of people. first, we must understand that there are things beyond our control. that these take their own time. if we are more patient with these outside forces, we come to accept that (as an earlier post says from the bible) there is a time for everything. when we understand that these forces are outside of our control, we can more easily surrender ourselves to their power. and only then can we align ourselves with them and understand what action we must take in their wake. when it rains, for instance, we may not like the rain one bit - but what would we gain at all from being impatient with it? it is best to not try to fight it, for that would be in vain. we can - instead - carry an umbrella with us and deal with rain the best we can, but only if we align ourselves and not fight it. so it is with many situations in life, small and big. that these forces exist and act upon us helps to preserve our humility (which is uber-important). that we allow ourselves to accept these forces and align ourselves with them equips us with greater resilience.

not only is patience the preferred mode of action, it is almost essential to build it into ourselves if we wish to go through lives in a joyful, peaceful fashion. the good thing is - we can take it one step at a time. further, we'll have enough instances to practise on, on any given day :).

photo capture

have i ever told you that i absolutely, absolutely love to take pictures? the exercise transports me from the finitude of reality to the infinity of beauty. and if in every few hundred pictures, there is one that i will look at again and again and feel that sigh, they will all have been worth the while. truly, how beautiful this world is... it's the most beautiful world in the universe!

(until i get to see another world, of course.)

sadhana

my task today was to read sadhana, by tagore... and i am overwhelmed. the writing is exquisite and its expression so beautiful. the text is online, if any of you are interested in reading it. the previous post has select quotes which are representative of only a few of the meaningful thoughts this work contains.

from tagore

The man whose acquaintance with the world does not lead him deeper than science leads him, will never understand what it is that the man with the spiritual vision finds in these natural phenomena. The water does not merely cleanse his limbs, but it purifies his heart; for it touches his soul. The earth does not merely hold his body, but it gladdens his mind; for its contact is more than a physical contact--it is a living presence. When a man does not realise his kinship with the world, he lives in a prison-house whose walls are alien to him. When he meets the eternal spirit in all objects, then is he emancipated, for then he discovers the fullest significance of the world into which he is born; then he finds himself in perfect truth, and his harmony with the all is established.

It very often happens that our love for our children, our friends, or other loved ones, debars us from the further realisation of our soul. It enlarges our scope of consciousness, no doubt, yet it sets a limit to its freest expansion. Nevertheless, it is the first step, and all the wonder lies in this first step itself. It shows to us the true nature of our soul. From it we know, for certain, that our highest joy is in the losing of our egoistic self and in the uniting with others. This love gives us a new power and insight and beauty of mind to the extent of the limits we set around it, but ceases to do so if those limits lose their elasticity, and militate against the spirit of love altogether; then our friendships become exclusive, our families selfish and inhospitable, our nations insular and aggressively inimical to other races. It is like putting a burning light within a sealed enclosure, which shines brightly till the poisonous gases accumulate and smother the flame. Nevertheless it has proved its truth before it dies, and made known the joy of freedom from the grip of darkness, blind and empty and cold.

When we watch a child trying to walk, we see its countless failures; its successes are but few. If we had to limit our observation within a narrow space of time, the sight would be cruel. But we find that in spite of its repeated failures there is an impetus of joy in the child which sustains it in its seemingly impossible task. We see it does not think of its falls so much as of its power to keep its balance though for only a moment.

Whenever the part, spurning the whole, tries to run a separate course of its own, the great pull of the all gives it a violent wrench, stops it suddenly, and brings it to the dust. Whenever the individual tries to dam the ever-flowing current of the world-force and imprison it within the area of his particular use, it brings on disaster. However powerful a king may be, he cannot raise his standard or rebellion against the infinite source of strength, which is unity, and yet remain powerful.

So it cannot be said that we can find Brahma as we find other objects; there is no question of searching from him in one thing in preference to another, in one place instead of somewhere else. We do not have to run to the grocer's shop for our morning light; we open our eyes and there it is; so we need only give ourselves up to find that Brahma is everywhere.

the need to zoom out

what we really need in our lives is a super wide-angle zoom lens - one that works not across space but across time. when we get overly absorbed in the details of a moment, we often tend to lose perspective. we think too much about the moment, too little about the relative insignificance of it. while i could very easily make this post a lot more complex (as i try to shut out the noise), let me leave it at this - the convenience of being able to regain temporal perspective with a swift movement of the lens would do us all much good. since there isn't one on the market though, we should really try to build one for ourselves.

numbing the senses?

i'm having a difficult time trying to arrive at a fully cohesive understanding of detachment; what it really means in varied spheres of our daily life and how it may best be practised. while the overreaching objective does make sense to me, learning how to gradually proceed toward that ideal is a different beast altogether.

today, as i read chapter 2 of the bhagavad gita (on sankhya yoga), i wondered whether numbing or dulling one's senses to our environment was indeed a step toward attaining this goal. it struck me as a step that must come much later in the process of spiritual growth. that is, if today i were to numb my senses to all the forces that act around me, i may not be the happier for it. not even eventually.

as i understand it, it is important to be fully aware of the forces that act around us and on us. once we gain an awareness of these forces, we must then attempt to understand the impact of these forces within us. and only then, when we gain an awareness and understanding of the varied reactions within us, can we attempt to grow from this understanding, can we analyze who we are, where we are headed, and where we need to go.

feelings of anger, of love and hate, envy and jealousy, sadness and dejection - are bound to plague us. perhaps we were even born that way - with every individual being at a different point on the spectrum (but all pretty close). we mustn't condemn ourselves for feeling these emotions but acknowledge that they do not aid us in our path to progress, try to understand them and where they stem from. the cause necessarily lies within us, not on the outside. and that is the important point - that we can address the cause, understand it, fight it, and defeat it. it is merely a responsibility we owe ourselves, and this life that has been gifted to us.

this is one isolated thread of my understanding.

chipotle chicken

is vegetarian, they say.

now i'm not one to go about a be-vegetarian propaganda, but if there is benefit to the animals we (some of us) eat being vegetarian, then why not to us?

birthday #4

october 14th is my niece's birthday, and i cannot but be reminded of the day that she was born, four years ago. i remember driving to the hospital after she was born, where i bought her brother a t-shirt that said "i'm a big brother" :). i remember her tiny little mouth that would open so wide when she yawned. may these images never grow dim....

in a few months she had blossomed into the most adorable little baby, and it seems to me that she still gets cuter every day. because she was the littlest one, i always felt protective towards her. now that she's bigger, she's gotten pretty tough. she can hold her own in company, and is happy to be by herself as well. indeed, it is a pleasure to simply be around her. my senses are engaged in observing her alone. interaction, of course, is just as pleasing :).

my mom celebrated her birthday at home, in india, today. i do not mind missing her birthday in the slightest if she was able to spend it with nani, with streamers and presents and icing on the cake :). my own conversation with her was short and broken, but there is a warm and fuzzy feeling inside that her birthday was suitably spent. have to think of a good birthday present for her for when i go in december.

happy birthday, little princess. may this year bring you *all* that your heart desires. (i can say that, since i'm not her mom :).

a sustainable existence

when i moved to berkeley, i was struck by the sheer number of things that i owned. thinking some more about it, i realize that although a lot of these things have sentimental attachment for me - it is an attachment all the same. i'd feel guilty getting rid of things that i've been given in the past. why? because a lot of these objects speak to me of the love/consideration/generosity that various people in my life have expressed. that i value. but what would i lose if i gave away the object. only the object, right? does not that love, that consideration, that generosity remain intact in that space and time? does not my value of that love, consideration, and generosity remain intact just as well?

i have decided to practise the following for now: for every object that i purchase, i must get rid of one. this will not be a huge achievement, given the number of things i already do own, but i think it would be a step in the direction of leading a more sustainable existence. perhaps also a much-desired move towards detachment from physical possessions, even if these possessions are valuable to me only for the memories they bring (and not their use, really).

i'm in class now, and there's more along the lines of this topic that i've been pondering over. specifically - detachment. but that's a heavy subject, and it will take me some more time to articulate on.

on good and evil

I was struck when I first read this passage:

In creation there is no evil, all is good. Certain qualities and natures innate in some men and apparently blameworthy are not so in reality. For example, from the beginning of his life you can see in a nursing child the signs of greed, of anger, and of temper. Then, it may be said, good and evil are innate in the reality of man, and this is contrary to the pure goodness of nature and creation. The answer to this is that greed, which is to ask for something more, is a praiseworthy quality provided that it is used suitably. So, if a man is greedy to acquire science and knowledge, or to become compassionate, generous, and just, it is most praiseworthy. If he exercises his anger and wrath against the bloodthirsty tyrants who are like ferocious beasts, it is very praiseworthy; but if he does not use these qualities in a right way, they are blameworthy.... It is the same with all the natural qualities of man, which constitute the capital of life; if they be used and displayed in an unlawful way, they become blameworthy. Therefore, it is clear that creation is purely good.

- Abdul Baha

truth

should prosperity befall thee, rejoice not, and should abasement come upon thee, grieve not, for both shall pass away and be no more.

- baha'u'llah

inside/outside

there is a self that exists for the world and a self that exists for oneself (and perhaps those who are very, very close). what is on the outside and easily visible to the world, most of us pay much attention to. we try to get into good schools and good jobs and develop good resumes. undoubtedly it takes much work on our parts to get there, and we mustn't begrudge ourselves this effort. absolutely not. however, just as we focus on the outside, so must we focus inward. there is much that goes on inside of us; there are many forces at play. there are virtues; there are vices; good feelings and bad; positive energies and negative. indeed there is much to understand, to get to know, to work on.

certainly, we could go on through our lives without giving this inner self a thought and not feel the rub of it. but if at all we are so aware that we can sense the goings on inside, it is incumbent upon us to make sense of the madness - is it not? just as there is a steady state to water that it ever attempts to return to, so is there a steady state of our mind that we must enable/empower it to achieve. and as there are molecules in the water, so are there different trains of thought in our mind that head in different directions. slowly, but steadily, we should address each one of these trains and bring it under our control and to steady state. perhaps we could kill several birds with one stone, though sometimes each bird may take several stones. regardless, it is critical that this process never stop. we may liken each of these little tasks to a homework assignment, and we can define our own internal abstractions of degrees and such. however we do it, we should understand that it is a project we must succeed on. after all, this is a degree we must obtain. and summa cum laude.

the ideal for growth of the self, then, should be that our inside and outside grow in unison. that, indeed, they become part of the same, not parts of a dichotomy.

losing perspective

why is it so hard for us to retain perspective, to calibrate our lives in accordance with the world around us and not just relative to our own lives across time? as i walked home from school today, i saw a man furiously moving forward on his wheelchair and wondered - what if i were him? then i saw a homeless man limping along with a walking stick and wondered the same thing. there is a hospital across the street from me, and i couldn't help but feel fortunate that i was not a patient there. my mind wandered then to incidents in my own life. i once had a car accident that gave me a back/neck problem i still suffer from. occasionally. big deal. it could have been so much worse. so then why is it such a big deal? every now and then when i suffer from a cold and cough, why does it feel like such a big deal? why can i not retain this awareness of the world around me? that there are so many worse off. that i am far more fortunate than i realize, and far more fortunate than i have respect for being.

this relates, again, to attachment, expectations, taking things for granted, lack of humility, not enough gratitude, etc. - all the things i've been giving considerable thought these days. the ideal of feeling and showing gratitude for everything i have, i fear, would be very difficult to attain. somehow i need to tie this in with my heuristics on achieving permanence and the idea that everything is a gift. (see below for both posts.) maybe those will bring me closer to the ideal, one hopes.

the old persian saying comes to mind:
i wept because i had no shoes, until i saw a man who had no feet.

must we need to see someone else's sadness to inspire our own happiness? the thought makes my stomach turn. we must constantly strive to retain an awareness of the reality of this world, and an awareness of how far up along the curve we (many of us) are. i believe that it would make us fundamentally happier beings. that i am able to sit in the comfort, peace and quiet of my home and type these lines on my laptop; that i have the intellectual capacity and skill to even articulate what i think into words; that i can - in the first place - think these thoughts - these are all very serious reasons to be grateful beyond words. and really, the list does go on.

on friends

as i read more, think more, and question more - every now and then i stumble across words of wisdom that spark off another train of thought. (at this point, it is also seeming very unsustainable because my mind is bursting with a gazillion trains of thought that i am on a mission to unify/to focus.) but coming back to friendship, the wealth of the company of like-minded individuals who provide intellectual and spiritual stimulation must simply not be understated. i have found that the power of the mind is greatly enhanced by the focus that friends do contribute towards attaining.

i am grateful.

meant to be?

amazing holocaust love story lives on

...and the men and women merely players

in conversation with n today, he mentioned an analogy that his friend had discussed with him on the political condition of today. i'd like to document this analogy for the clarity that it brought, and so that i may continue to ponder over it:

imagine that every person in the world is the member of an immense orchestra. we each have our own instruments and our own specialties, but none of us are very good musicians (though we are getting better). also, the musical score we have with us currently is not the best... and, in fact, some people have lost some of their sheets of music. and so, we are on different pages of the piece we're trying to play.

also, when we play, in addition to not being as good, we don't even have that good an ear to tell when we are off. and finally, the conductor, our leader, is a conductor not for the love of music, but because he likes being a leader.

what we really need to do is all play the right score - play together, and become better musicians, and have a conductor who conducts for the love of music, and then we would all really achieve the full potential of our capacity with each of our instruments, instead of creating a cacophony. also, if we helped each other out with learning music, and finding the right pages of the musical score, things would go much faster.

those are the politicians of today. we want leaders who wish to serve humanity, not leaders who want to have power.

that was the analogy, and i'd like to think about how it applies to us as individuals. how can i, as an individual, learn to make better music? by learning to listen better? learning from those around me who have more of a direction? not playing at all? but the goal is to make music, not to be silent.

(and how does this analogy come together with or diverge from shakespeare's analogy that the post title refers to?)

of energy innate

perhaps - it is a conjecture - each of us is born with a fixed amount of energy within. innate human energy, just like hydro-electric energy, may then be channeled in various ways, and the manner in which it is channeled determines eventual efficacy. just as a big part of learning how to swim well is to make efficient use of our energy to propel ourselves forward, so is it with life. we must use the energy we are given - channel it in ways that will be constructive to us - in order to achieve our goals better. the more energy we are blessed with, the more incumbent upon us it is to work hard in order to prevent unintended misuse. if hitler's energies could have been put to good use, would not the world today have been a very different place? when we expend our energy on aimless diversions, we have less to expend on the things that really matter. outwardly, this may affect our work, our pursuit of various interests, our relationships with our peers, etc. inwardly, we lose out on honing our energies towards becoming a better human being - and who knows what we could achieve if we only tried....

vaishnava jan to...

i have sung this song many a time, but only now - i am embarrassed to admit - can i claim to understand what the song preaches. whether i can make it my own talisman is another question altogether, but it certainly serves to inspire. i share it with you here:

in gujarati:

Vaishnav jan to tene kahiye je
PeeD paraayi jaaNe re
Par-dukhkhe upkaar kare toye
Man abhimaan na aaNe re
Vaishnav...

SakaL lok maan sahune vande
Nindaa na kare keni re
Vaach kaachh man nishchaL raakhe
Dhan-dhan janani teni re
Vaishnav...
Sam-drishti ne trishna tyaagi
Par-stree jene maat re
Jivha thaki asatya na bole
Par-dhan nav jhaalee haath re
Vaishnav...

Moh-maaya vyaape nahi jene
DriDh vairaagya jena man maan re
Ram naam shoon taaLi laagi
SakaL tirath tena tan maan re
Vaishnav...

VaN-lobhi ne kapaT-rahit chhe
Kaam-krodh nivaarya re
BhaNe Narsaiyyo tenun darshan karta
KuL ekoter taarya re
Vaishnav...

in english:

One who is a Vaishnav
Knows the pain of others
Does good to others, especially to those in misery
Does not let pride into his mind

A Vaishnav tolerates and praises the the entire world
Does not say bad things about anyone
Keeps his/her words, actions and thoughts pure
O Vaishnav, your mother is blessed

A Vaishnav sees everything equally, rejects greed
Considers someone else's wife/daughter his mother
The tongue may get tired but will never speak lies
Does not even touch someone else's property

A Vaishnav does not succumb to worldly attachments
Who has devoted himself to staunch detachment from worldly pleasures
Who has been addicted to the elixir that lies in the name of Ram
For whom all the religious sites exist in the mind

Who has no greed and deceit
Who has renounced lust and anger
The poet Narsi would like to see such a person
By whose virtue the entire family attains salvation

when things are 'meant to be'

in times of uncertainty, i have oft found myself to voice the phrase "if it is meant to be...". what really does it mean? is it something quite as abstract as magic or is there more to it? i propose, hereby, a definition: when the varied forces involved in the "meant to be" situation act independently and with their intended purpose on earth, they follow their own path. when these paths intersect, the combination is "meant to be".

this sounds a little too abstract (read poorly phrased) to me, so i shall attempt to expound: there was a time when berkeley and i had been put into that box of "if it is meant to be...". but was it solely about ordinances? i think not. in this case, my path met with berkeley's (or so i believe) because there was an intersection between my chosen path and berkeley's chosen path - independently of each other's, but in harmony. perhaps this is an oversimplification of the situation, but it makes a little more sense to me. it also involves a certain channeling of a certain energy in a certain direction. ultimately, all that is in our control is that we continue to move forward, channeling our energies with a loyalty to our purpose, to our existence on this earth. this path of our movement must be defined by ourselves alone, based on our inner compass, our morals, beliefs and ideals. once we are on this path and in touch with ourselves, i believe we can be fairly confident that what is meant to be, for us, will indeed be.

to napa and back

the day was full of warm sunshine, pleasurable driving, and not enough pictures :). i was up at napa and petaluma visiting c and her family. it was a day well spent, and i am touched to have been able to share this day with her in the first place.

as i mentioned in my previous post, i thought long and hard about striving to achieve permanence. at the end of the day, i lean toward believing that there is no single way to ascertain that we achieve this permanence; at best there are heuristics that we can use. with time and vigilance, we will hopefully be able to decide for ourselves what works and what does not. a mantra, after a day of thinking, seems hard to come up with. for now, i will humbly accept that it may not even exist. (other ideas are welcome.)

humility remains at the core of my thoughts. to be in touch with oneself, one's spiritual goals and aspirations, it is critical to ever be humble - to never lose sight of the big picture. only if we realize the largeness of life outside and beyond, can we then realize how small we really are and how much we have to learn. only when we become aware of how much ground we still need to cover, can we appreciate that we are not quite 'all that'.

how do we ensure that this humility stays with us and does not disappear when times are 'good'? i believe that for a lot of us, religion plays that role. when we believe in god, we believe in a great supernatural force that is much larger than us all. in believing that each of us is god's child, we can bring ourselves to reinforce an acceptance of how small we really are. for many of us, nature also has that effect. a tryst with nature that involves any of the ocean, the california redwoods, the himalayas, etc. leaves us reasonably convinced of the ephemeral nature of our lives, and that we are but a mere speck on the face of this earth. different beliefs that work for different people. do they work without fail?

i also considered developing a mapping between our inner vices and this humility. could we not, with some training, develop an inner response system that detects the presence of a vice - be it greed, jealousy, laziness - whatever you consider a vice - and sends an alert to the brain that processes the issue and accepts fault, along with activating a realization of humility. it seems like a rather uncomplex system, given the significant importance of the desired effect. perhaps the best thing to do is to try each one of these out, and truly assess the effect each has. this will require considerable awareness and much unending introspection... but i'm beginning to get the hang of it now.

the question for today

as my mind stumbled upon this thought last evening, i resolved to allocate my free time today to thinking about it. perhaps some of you would have wisdom to share to accelerate this thought process, and so - again - i put myself 'out there':

often, life sends us lessons - challenges that we overcome (often for lack of choice more than anything else) and learn from. there is much to be learned when we are crushed, when we are forced to embrace our humility and realize who we are within. the question is - when realization does dawn, and we understand the places we lack and the (many) things we must change in ourselves - how do we ensure that the process of growth never stops? how do we keep ourselves moving forward on the path of self-realization? in the shorter run, it is easier to translate this thought into action. when we are humbled, and made cognizant of the faults that lie within us, we strive to make a change. but to not have to repeat this learning process, to not allow a retreat into our ignorance of self, we must also strive to make this change permanent. is there a mantra for this? what's your mantra?

i will think about this on my drive to and from napa :).

renewed faith

that after the darkness, must come the sun....

there is no doubt in my mind that god - that life - is ever kind. everything has a purpose, a reason. i pray that we all learn to break down our walls of ego and self-importance, and understand this simple truth. there is a value to every encounter; much to learn, but we must first be willing. there is much knowledge to be gained, but we must first open the doors for it to enter. just as there is so much beauty to behold around us, but we must first open our eyes....

turn! turn! turn!

From the Bible, Ecclesiastes III (King James Version):

3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

on meditation

a discussion on meditation had ensued in the comments to an earlier post, meditation being "god's email response" :). as i indulged in a discussion on the "technicalities" of meditation - i.e. the what, when, how of it, i began to realize more and more that there were no real technicalities. meditation is about being at peace at oneself, a state of calm that - ideally (and that's the magic word) - we carry with us no matter where we are. perhaps in a secluded spot in the quiet of home, but perhaps in a car, perhaps in a cafe, perhaps even among a crowd of people.

a put it aptly when she talked about the use of training wheels in learning to ride a bicycle. slowly we wean ourselves off of these dependencies, so that we may bike without the wheels, walk without support, cook without recipes :). and so it must be with meditation. we start with taking the aid of the quiet and non-intervention at home, but we must strive to proceed beyond that point - to achieve that peace outside of home, on crowded streets if you will, in the car while driving, in the train, everywhere.

good luck with that, 8&20.

global warming

the problem of global warming is an interesting one. at least from what i understand, it appears to be the single problem that citizens of the world are willing to solve as one. the earth may indeed be in grave danger, but in that this problem helps to bring people together in spite of their differences - i think it does considerable good. in some form or another, we all have an ideal to achieve - to use less energy, consume less, reduce our carbon footprint. scientific reasoning tells us it's the way to go, otherwise we (or our children, or our children's children) will all be doomed.

but there are no scientific facts that tell us to become better people, and how (or are there?). nothing that tells us that kindness, honesty, or love are virtues to uphold. there are no facts that say - if we each do not love x amount each day, the earth will be in danger of destruction. are there no ways for us to quantify these things? if only so that each of us may have an ideal to strive for? to show x amount of love, y amount of kindness, z amount of forgiveness in this world? until science becomes so advanced, we must strive to answer these questions at a personal level, for ourselves. like other things we own, this life too is a gift. how may we best preserve it, and with what ideals, is really the gazillion-dollar question.

children of heaven

i saw children of heaven today - a remarkably touching movie about a brother, a sister, and a relationship filled with love and sacrifice. i would not have stumbled across this movie on my own, and am grateful to n that he introduced us to it. there were many aspects that made the movie beautiful, but what moved me most was the power of love the movie seeks to portray. the thought that love can have so strong an influence so as to help us achieve feats we may otherwise shy away from, in the fear that we may not be deserving enough, never ceases to amaze me. 'tis a lesson that we must never underestimate that power, for it may lead us to achieve great things. we should pray, then, that our love be so pure as to direct us onto the path of becoming better, stronger, and wiser human beings.

on blogging, again

every now and then, i am touched and amazed by the insights people bring to me based on my blog posts. a reminder that unless one is willing to put oneself 'out there', one could easily miss out on the beautiful thoughts that people could brighten one's life with. is this along the lines of "giving of oneself"? i think so. giving of material possessions is easy to do, easy to live with, and easy to get over. when one shares oneself with the world, with mankind, one opens a channel of communication that goes both ways. and who is to limit the lessons we can learn, then?! and perhaps, there is a chance, that what we share with the world could help them learn some of their lessons better? presumptuous, but there is a chance. we must not squander it.

blogging is essential :). hence, proved.

and on giving

while i'm on gibran still, i feel tempted to post excerpts of his other words as well. here is what he says about giving. so beautifully put:

Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;

And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving

And is there aught you would withhold?

All you have shall some day be given;

Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."

The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.

And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?

And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?

See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.

For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.

Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;

For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father.

the prophet

am reading "the prophet" right now, and some of the words of gibran go straight to the heart (pardon the effect). here is (a bit of) his bit on self-knowledge which i found especially moving -

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

a gift

i'm coming to realize that everything we have in life is something that is given to us. it is a gift. be it a person we love, a thing we love, or even an object of utility value. nothing was ours to begin with, so whatever is with us today - is a gift to be preserved and nurtured. we are the current caretakers of all that is ours today, before we hand it over to the next intended caretaker. i do not know what the right or wrong thing to do is, in each case, but in my limited wisdom - i feel that we have a responsibility toward each gift that we have in our possession today. it will not be ours forever... tomorrow we may hand it over to another, or it may be taken from us. so while we do have it, we should tend to it with great care and preservation. we mustn't abuse, nor throw away. we must value it for what it is worth, not take it for granted. a pillow, for instance, may only be an object, but it grants me much comfort when i need it - in the night. i feel i have a responsibility to treat that pillow with the respect it duly deserves. do i make sense? and so, i think, it is with all life's things. today, as they say, is a present - to make the most of or to throw away.

and then again, the goal is not to be attached in our preservation. for every object, every person in our life has a purpose. when that purpose is fulfilled, we must graciously withdraw from ownership. so that another may prosper. how to determine that the purpose is fulfilled... is another story altogether.

The Little Prince

has been reread. I loved the same parts of the book that I had loved all the previous times that I read it. It touches one deep within, I feel. I am touched as ever by the uniqueness of the flower in the little prince's life, and the story of the fox and his taming - and the color of the wheat fields golden like the little prince's hair. But must one allow oneself to be sad at the going away of a loved one thus? Perhaps it is okay...

The secret that the fox shares with the prince still gives me something to think about - it is only with the heart that one can see; what is essential is invisible to the eye. How true.

IX

...
The little prince also uprooted, a little sadly, the last baobab shoots. He believed he would never be coming back. But all these familiar tasks seemed very sweet to him on this last morning. And when he watered the flower one last time, and put her under glass, he felt like crying.
"Good-bye," he said to the flower.
But she did not answer him.
"Good-bye," he repeated.
The flower coughed. But not because she had a cold.
"I've been silly," she told him at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy."
He was quite surprised that there were no reproaches. He stood there, quite bewildered, holding the glass bell in midair. He failed to understand this calm sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower told him. "It was my fault you never knew. It doesn't matter. But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy ... Put that glass thing down. I don't want it anymore."
"But the wind ..."
"My cold isn't that bad ... The night air will do me good. I'm a flower."
"But the animals ..."
"I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies. Apparently they're very beautiful. Otherwise who will visit me? You'll be far away. As for the big animals, I'm not afraid of them. I have my own claws." And she naively showed her four thorns. Then she added, "Don't hang around like this; it's irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go."
For she didn't want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower ....

books

i made, today, a much needed visit to borders. purchased "zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" and my own copy of "the little prince". the little prince is a book that has touched my heart for many years. almost every year of high school i found that reading it revealed new insights into human nature that i had not recognized before. i read it again now, in an effort to reconnect with that self of yore, as also to ascertain lessons that i may have failed to learn in the many years that the book was put aside.

a time to remember

a and i just had a long, stretched-out conversation about ideals and purposes and comparisons and not. i cannot sum into one post the import of it all, but i do want to mark this conversation so as not to forget it. while it simply opened a pandora's box of questions and offered very few answers, i find i have fodder for thought for whenever i am bored (and perhaps for napa this weekend!). a beautiful feeling :).

the conversation started with a "what does love mean to you?". i urge you all to share with me your answers.

too bad...

god doesn't have email :(. there are things i'd like to have said....

the progression of time

i cannot believe it's october already. where did all the other months go? what about july? i hardly ever experienced july. even august is a blip. and september flew by all too quickly. this feels rather unfair! i also do not appreciate the fact that every year must come to an end. i do not want this one to. and in general, i don't think years need an end in the first place. can we not just have months go on, like user ids or social security numbers? i wouldn't mind, at all, if months went into hundreds and thousands. like this one, for instance, could simply be month 24,379. and that would be great.

and then, we could become even more advanced, and not end months either (though that appears to me to be less complicated/tedious/painful). we could just have minute 231,543,367. and then the next, and the next. what do people think?

of prayers

why doth thou tempt me thus with thy writings?

i grew up in a convent school where these prayers were oft recited. st. francis of assisi was the saint our school owed its existence to. i am surprised that i needed to be reminded of these words, and touched that i was. is it not funny and strange and absolutely fascinating - all at the same time - how we seek recognition and appreciation of our state of mind in the words of philosophers of the world and find with them deep satisfaction?

6th year in a row

today was freshers welcome. much as i had planned not to attend, i somehow ended up in it. it's one of those things you wonder about, when you think of how things turn out - how some things so unexpectedly happen because they are destined to. it's just the way life is.

i also sang today after what felt like a too-long hiatus. and one of my favorite songs too - tumse hi pyaar. how it really went, i cannot tell - am waiting to see the recording. but it felt assuredly wonderful. made me wonder how i could have kept myself away from singing for so long.

felt a deep, fulfilling feeling to reconnect with familiar faces. even people i had barely known, barely met, were a pleasure to see. even people i may not always have been terribly fond of ;). needless to say - that is not true anymore. i think that there is no shortage of beautiful people in this world. i am convinced that, with beauty, it really is as simple as - "seek, and ye shall find."

a problem

there is a problem though. i wish i could pick my fonts when i blogged. georgia and trebuchet are not bad, but certainly not my favorites (by any means). with my newly developed (though now old) font ocd, i fear my standards for fonts may have risen. but what does that mean? will i never be able to blog in peace again? isn't that a scary thought?!

on writing

there is no way, i feel, to get back into writing without really getting back into writing. know what i mean? one must just do it. write a few words, align justified, and publish post. there. that's all there is to it.

back to school!

i can't believe i'm already looking through the course schedule for berkeley. in fact, i can't believe i'm doing it this late. i bet every one else has it all figured out already. classes start at 9am tomorrow. this is all a little intimidating.

gosh.

two more weeks!

for the ldt expo - the big day. and have i ever been this under-prepared?!

the pressure is building.

oh dear.

oh dear dear...

oh, the irony!

it seems to me that when life gives us moments, feelings, inspirations that most demand documentation, there is just not enough time to do it. because writing is different from feeling, and it pulls one away from that moment, that feeling, if even a short distance. and when one is out, one is out. time is lost, more live-able time - time that could bring one more such moments and inspiration.

how does one decide - to write or not to write, and when?!

graduation '08

graduation day is like a birthday, except you don't have as many graduations as birthdays, and you get to share yours with thousands of others around you. that - i think - makes it that much more special :). there's no day that brings the stanford campus more to life than graduation day - not the first day of the school year, and not when stanford's just beaten cal in the big game. this year's graduation day was no different (and i feel most fortunate to have experienced the thrill of being a graduate in the stanford football stadium all of two times :). last time i had not guessed i'd ever be back. this time i know i shall not be - well, at least not for another degree. that, in some sense, makes things a little more final this time...

oprah was the speaker, and generous enough to give each graduate two good books. (that is about 8,000 books in all!) she spoke of 3 things, as graduation speakers normally do - of feeling, failing, and finding happiness. inspiring and positive - as a graduation speech should be.

i felt fortunate to have been able to sneak into the stadium (with legitimate reason, of course). there is no crowd as festive as a crowd of graduates, and they were all right there. there are more pictures up on smugmug of course, but this one was my favorite -

so i guess one can get into the stadium even if one is not a graduate :).

anyway, graduation was fun, photo-taking was fun, getting hooded in the school of ed ceremony was fun, and celebrating with people i love was fun. although i'll have more to say, and more to sigh about, when my degree is actually done (at the end of this summer), i must say that i have learned a lot more in these 9 months than in any other 9 months of my life, thus far...

and stanford, i'm convinced, is really something else!

great expectations

did i have... of being able to really get to know the city of bangalore, to meet friends that i had missed for a while, to enjoy the spirit of being in india, to lose myself in my camera. well, that's not how it is. that's not how it is at all. i am imprisoned in the hostel of infosys, feeling my spirits droop little by little, as i find that i am far from achieving any of the things i had hoped to in this week.

do i sound like i'm complaining? no, no, not really. i almost fell sick but didn't. the food here rocks. the project's going well as one might expect, the weather is perfection itself...

and all is right with the world.
really, it is!

10!

it's ten years since we graduated. the summer of '98 brought with it so much change - graduation, moving on, to a different land, different unknowns... and yet there are things that are still the same. as i look back upon those last few days after the ib - senior dinner, graduation, the prom, seeing the world... i am filled with nothing but fondness. towards some of my most precious memories ever. if i go on at this point, i know i will do them no justice...

nevertheless, i shall add that it felt rather fitting to be traveling via frankfurt the other day. it put me in that special place - surrounded by all things german, love universal, and fragments of myself buried in this now-alien land.

someone somewhere knows just what it is i mean.

accustomed earth

india is beautiful. one whiff of the monsoon air and one is instantly transported to a land so far away and so close, all at the same time, if you know what i mean.

...

unaccustomed earth

i still remember receiving the interpreter of maladies for my 20th birthday. i had started reading the first short story on one of my bart rides to berkeley. soon enough found it depressing, and put it aside. i revisited the book last year, and liked it more. also read "the namesake", and that wasn't bad either. with this latest release however, i finally find myself accustomed to jhumpa lahiri's style of writing, and like it very much.

i like the way she builds her characters. i like that none of them are perfect, and in fact, that they are all very flawed. i like that there are no happy endings, but fleeting happiness that is enough. for so life is. although the lives of characters sometimes appear incomplete, the stories are not. they set themselves out to convey an idea, an experience, a thought or feeling, and do just that.

i have a whole slew of books waiting to be read, but the withdrawal symptoms from completing this one are holding me back.

all in due time.

nostalgia hit

...once again, as i saw the photograph of a friend i have not seen, nor heard from, in three years. what a feeling, what a blast from the past. my sense of equilibrium continues to be momentarily disturbed.

true that life is short. a span of 4 years spent knowing a person in fair proximity is still enough, wouldn't you say? if you're lucky, that's a good 20th of your life. if you live to 40, that's a tenth. a good tenth. then i think it will do. it will have to do.

as shakespeare mentioned in julius caesar... perhaps when we meet, we shall smile. if not, then the parting was well made. or as b would say - our world lines coincided and went their own way. my life was changed for the better, and i shall be ever grateful.

yes...

for the record - i absolutely detest the profession of dentistry.

absolutely.

"this is going to hurt just a little bit"

"One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopan
Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental."

for as long as i can remember, a constant prayer in my mind has been that no turn of events take me to the dentist's chair. the lines above struck a chord, even when i first read them in 8th grade. and ever since, i have prayed daily for healthy teeth (yes, i exaggerate for effect). not too long ago, i had a dream that my teeth were all beginning to shake in my mouth, and that if i opened my mouth - they would all fall out. they're all still inside - but one of them came close to being taken out today (and may still be close, though i hope not).

i can't figure out if there is any country in the world that has competent dentists, because no matter where i go and who i see, p dentist in q country will always be shooting down the work of m dentist in n country or else x dentist in y country. when i was in germany, people said german dentists were hungry for insurance money and were ready to fill every tooth they could get their hands on (and perhaps that is where i got most of my fillings). then at berkeley, i didn't have dental insurance, so i went to india for my treatment. occasional fillings were okay, but i was unfortunate enough to have my teeth attacked by a famous but completely horrific orthodontist in bombay (dr. ashok dhoble, should you chance to know anyone who might be considering being treated by him). he kept my teeth wired for a couple years, after which they promptly came back to their old position (or pretty close, at any rate). german dentists treat you when unnecessary, indian orthodontists rip you off. so far so good.

when my parents moved to delhi, we started frequenting dr. kohli's clinic. he is (ahem) the president's dentist. (i'm not sure if pratibha patil sees him, but former presidents do have their photos gracing the reception). i went to dr. vishal gupta, who redid a filling. came back to the u.s. and saw sudeep ghosh who thought the filling was done quite poorly. this dr. vishal gupta was apparently a gold medalist (i'm not sure where, but somewhere - and that should be worth something). so dr. ghosh redid the filling. thankfully, it still stands. then i came back to school and lost the privilege of the best dental health plan in the country. went to india again and decided to get a dental check-up done. turned out i needed a root canal. bravely, i withstood almost 3 hours of gaping open-mouthedly at my seemingly kind-hearted dentist and thought i was done. well, for the time being. 5 months later, the tooth is paining incessantly, with no clear treatment in light.

i wish dentures were like real teeth, and just automatically clean. i could do without dental treatment altogether then. na rahega baans, na bajegi bansuri style (i.e. nor will there exist bamboo - i think - and nor will there be a flute).

but seriously. i wish it really only hurt just a little bit :(.

what?!

i can't believe it. brainstorming india is finally over. there's more to say, but not now, not in this state of tiredness. tomorrow then. tomorrow is another day.

...

end-of-quarter madness!

i am amazed and surprised that every end-of-quarter is just the same. 18 units or 8, finals or no finals, papers or no papers, it is always the same. i'm embarrassed at the levels of stress i am still susceptible to. one wonders... after all these years at school?!

t vs. ed

It was a recent realization that in the American dictionary, "spoilt" and "learnt" do not exist. Isn't that bizarre?!

on spoilt surprises

a just graduated. well not just, because it's more than a month since she defended. m and i had decided (and convinced others) to get her a canon s5 is, since that was the camera she was set on getting, and now that she had so much time on her hands, she could dedicate it all to her new hobby.

well, the camera is so awesome - apparently - that it's on back order everywhere. but they don't really tell you that. i tried to get it from broadway photo at first, since they had a good price on it. even paid extra for shipping, after which they told me they'd ship it out in a few weeks since the camera was on back order. what a disappointment! and that too after the whole conversation was over and i had stated exactly what i wanted in the order!

so anyway, then i called 76th street (what's with all these camera stores named after new york streets?). there too, the same story. the third place i called promised to deliver it right away, but it's been more than a month now - no sign of camera! sooner or later i figured it would have gotten here, but now no more ...

for of course, in this time, a's been doing her own scouting. she decided this morning that she was going to go out and buy a camera today (at the cambridge mall). sigh. b wrote to m and me saying "what to do?" and m started calling me frantically (if you know m, you know it would take a lot for her to get frantic :). i was rudely awakened by incessant vibrations emanating from my phone, when i'd been so hopeful all this while that this could be a morning to wake up at 9am. further - since m and i are supposed to start gymming together this week, i thought she was calling to get me to go to the gym with her. i wanted to pick up the phone and tell her i was sleeping, but sleepiness got the better of me and i ignored a few calls. then guilt got the better of me and i called her back. it was a relief to find i didn't have to excuse myself from a gym expedition. the decision was made to destroy the surprise. it's what one gets for being impatient!

and now a must wait. endlessly. muahahahahahahaa. it's what one gets... for being impatient!

An Odissi Odyssey

Yesterday, I was at the Asian Arts Museum on my first formal photography assignment... mmm, yeah I guess you could call it that. A friend of a friend was performing, wanted some pictures, friend was not available, therefore they called me. And I'm so grateful that they did. Classical dancers are so very graceful, and make such delightful subjects.

I am glad to have "broken in", and am already ready for my next assignment. The post-process, however, of going through hundreds of pictures to find the ones worth anything, is terribly painful and entirely avoidable. Yet, there's no real way to do this without one's own effort, is there? Just as one must take the photos, one must do the editing - get rid of crap, keep the good stuff, make necessary edits, none where none are required, etc. etc. My mind was focused on this process for 24 hours. At the end of it though, I have to say, it was still worth it.

G'night!

Upper Case

I think I might just go back to using upper case in my sentences. The realization finally dawned that it allows greater power to express. And depending on the font, it can actually look almost acceptable. Change is good, at any rate.

the first choice regal exercise book

when mom came from india this time, she brought one of my music notebooks with her (this one dates back to '94). it is now in tatters, almost, but without loss of information. looking through it, i realized i had learned quite a bit that i will never recall. raga bhimpalasi, jaunpuri, asavari, bhairavi, vrindavani sarang, and so on... the list is a lot longer than i could have remembered. what a pity.

what a pity... why is it that things change so in value, as we trudge along?! it is always a pity, i find. when the world of opportunities is open to us, we prefer to be closed within ourselves, comfortably ensconced in our smug little frog-in-well attitudes. when we find that the time will never return, we hold our heads in sadness. perhaps another way of looking at things though is this - i am not unhappy with the life i had lived. when i wasn't paying better attention to noting down the music i was learning, i was probably making time to do something i am not sorry for having done. so in the end, perhaps, it all worked itself out.

but i can still complain about it :P

tired

is it time for a change? should i switch over to wordpress? typepad? another blogging world altogether?

when one journal fills up, one can start another. there are no expectations of conforming to the norm that was. one can be a whole new person with a whole new journal. the endlessness of a blog then is so darn confining. i want a new blog so i can be someone else now.

clearly i seem to be facing an identity crisis of some sort. is it senioritis? these days, everything that bothers seems like a symptom of senioritis. even though i'm not a senior. and when i was one, i didn't know what senioritis was so i could brag about it.

right place. wrong time.

the audience, at large?

am thinking about privacy issues. if i ask myself "who do i blog for?", i find that the most accurate answer is "myself". it's true that, in the end, the purpose of this blog is for me to be in touch with my thought processes, my journey as an individual in this ever-changing world (cliche!). but somewhere in the middle, this blog also ends up sharing this very journey with others. who should these "others" be? close friends, certainly. strangers? perhaps. mere acquaintances? i do not know. is there even an answer? and what is the question, exactly?

i started with keeping this blog anonymous, and it continues to be, but perhaps only out of inertia. people around me who read this blog will ascertain who i am, for sure. at some point, the blog also had access by invitation only. but i changed that after it began to interfere with rss feeds for the invitees :). now i wonder if i should make it more transparent. am i embarrassed to be associated with these writings? i don't think so. or at least, i hope not :). there isn't anything all that incriminating either, though had i still been working and my co-workers had realized how eager i was to get out, that may not have been so great. quantities of cheese are also fairly under control here. perhaps, then, it is ok?

ldt has taught me to think about the target audience - for every project - even while i sleep.

d for dilemma

it will soon be 3 years that i have been part of dhwani. and while it has certainly been a joyride thus far, i find it has me constantly struggling to firm my stance on the ideal state of affairs - for us as a group. whether to meet twice a week or just once, whether to give everyone a chance to sing or to completely disallow a compromise on quality, to perform or not to perform, and so on. it is constantly a challenge to be fair and unjudgmental, to be unbiased - on all counts, to be unemotionally dedicated. a character-building experience, no doubt, as i struggle to find harmony among my thoughts.

thank god for the smallness ...

yesterday, as i navigated to m's facebook profile to send her a message, i found that she and nk were friends (on m's mini-feed). while i wasn't sure if this was the same nk who had been my best friend back in third grade, i needed to find out. sent first m and then n a message, and heard back from n today. indeed it is the very same nk! in a's words, what a blast from the past!

n and i lived a walk away from each other, and were in the same class (and section) at school. more than anything, i remember her bangs oh, so clearly! she had one of those hair-dos that would remind you of the heroines from the 70s :). we used to visit each other occasionally, and i remember that her baby sister was one of the first little infants i had seen so closely. she also had the most beautiful name - naintara. i also remember that once when naintara was playing with us and i was trying to help her stand on her feet, n said to me - "no, don't do that. if you try to make her stand on her feet before she's ready, her feet will curl up and she'll never be able to walk." those words rang in my head for years after, even as i watched my own niece and nephew grow :).

after third grade, we (my family and i) moved to jaipur. n wasn't a great writer back then :), and we barely kept in touch. i do remember that i happened to be in delhi for her birthday (somehow) and attended her birthday party (i even recall what i wore!). but that was the last time we met. i remember receiving a letter from her saying they were to move to hyderabad and that she would send me her address once she reached. but by the time she was in hyderabad, i was back in delhi and then we had no means of getting back in touch.

that unfortunate turn of events affected me for a while - as i recall. that we had no means of getting in touch with other, if we wanted, was the first time i sensed the loss of a person from my life. i was 10, and the "oh, man!"-ness of it really bothered me. and now that i'm older and wiser, these things bother me just the same. but perhaps there will always be a facebook to come to the rescue ...